camille (la dame aux camilias)(卡米勒)-第44节
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does not entitle you。 Who knows what he would do then！ He has gambled；
I know； without telling you of it； I know also； but； in a moment of
madness； he might have lost part of what I have saved； during many years；
for my daughter's portion； for him； and for the repose of my old age。 What
might have happened may yet happen。
〃Are you sure； besides； that the life which you are giving up for him
will never again come to attract you？ Are you sure； you who have loved
him； that you will never love another？ Would you not…suffer on seeing the
hindrances set by your love to your lover's life； hindrances for which you
would be powerless to console him； if； with age； thoughts of ambition
should succeed to dreams of love？ Think over all that； madame。 You love
Armand； prove it to him by the sole means which remains to you of yet
proving it to him； by sacrificing your love to his future。 No misfortune has
yet arrived； but one will arrive； and perhaps a greater one than those which
I foresee。 Armand might become jealous of a man who has loved you； he
might provoke him； fight； be killed。 Think； then； what you would suffer in
the presence of a father who should call on you to render an account for
the life of his son！
〃Finally； my dear child； let me tell you all； for I have not yet told you
all； let me tell you what has brought me to Paris。 I have a daughter； as I
have told you； young； beautiful； pure as an angel。 She loves； and she； too；
has made this love the dream of her life。 I wrote all that to Armand； but；
absorbed in you； he made no reply。 Well； my daughter is about to marry。
She is to marry the man whom she loves； she enters an honourable family；
which requires that mine has to be no less honourable。 The family of the
man who is to become my son…in…law has learned what manner of life
Armand is leading in Paris； and has declared to me that the marriage must
be broken off if Armand continues this life。 The future of a child who has
done nothing against you； and who has the right of looking forward to a
happy future； is in your hands。 Have you the right； have you the strength；
to shatter it？ In the name of your love and of your repentance； Marguerite；
grant me the happiness of my child。〃
I wept silently； my friend； at all these reflections which I had so often
made； and which； in the mouth of your father； took a yet more serious
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reality。 I said to myself all that your father dared not say to me； though it
had come to his lips twenty times： that I was； after all； only a kept woman；
and that whatever excuse I gave for our liaison； it would always look like
calculation on my part； that my past life left me no right to dream of such
a future； and that I was accepting responsibilities for which my habits and
reputation were far from giving any guarantee。 In short； I loved you；
Armand。
The paternal way in which M。 Duval had spoken to me； the pure
memories that he awakened in me； the respect of this old man； which I
would gain； yours； which I was sure of gaining later on： all that called up
in my heart thoughts which raised me in my own eyes with a sort of holy
pride； unknown till then。 When I thought that one day this old man； who
was now imploring me for the future of his son； would bid his daughter
mingle my name with her prayers； as the name of a mysterious friend； I
seemed to become transformed； and I felt a pride in myself。
The exaltation of the moment perhaps exaggerated the truth of these
impressions； but that was what I felt； friend； and these new feelings
silenced the memory of the happy days I had spent with you。
〃Tell me； sir；〃 I said to your father； wiping away my tears； 〃do you
believe that I love your son？〃
〃Yes；〃 said M。 Duval。
〃With a disinterested love？〃
〃Yes。
〃Do you believe that I had made this love the hope； the dream； the
forgivenessof my life？〃
〃Implicitly。〃
〃Well； sir； embrace me once； as you would embrace your daughter； and
I swear to you that that kiss； the only chaste kiss I have ever had； will
make me strong against my love； and that within a week your son will be
once more at your side； perhaps unhappy for a time； but cured forever。〃
〃You are a noble child；〃 replied your father； kissing me on the
forehead； 〃and you are making an attempt for which God will reward you；
but I greatly fear that you will have no influence upon my son。〃
〃Oh； be at rest； sir； he will hate me。〃
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I had to set up between us； as much for me as for you； an
insurmountable barrier。
I wrote to Prudence to say that I accepted the proposition of the Comte
de N。； and that she was to tell him that I would sup with her and him。 I
sealed the letter； and； without telling him what it contained； asked your
father to have it forwarded to its address on reaching Paris。
He inquired of me what it contained。
〃Your son's welfare；〃 I answered。
Your father embraced me once more。 I felt two grateful tears on my
forehead； like the baptism of my past faults； and at the moment when I
consented to give myself up to another man I glowed with pride at the
thought of what I was redeeming by this new fault。
It was quite natural； Armand。 You told me that your father was the
most honest man in the world。
M。 Duval returned to his carriage； and set out for Paris。
I was only a woman； and when I saw you again I could not help
weeping； but I did not give way。
Did I do right？ That is what I ask myself to…day； as I lie ill in my bed；
that I shall never leave； perhaps； until I am dead。
You are witness of what I felt as the hour of our separation approached；
your father was no longer there to support me； and there was a moment
when I was on the point of confessing everything to you； so terrified was I
at the idea that you were going to bate and despise me。
One thing which you will not believe； perhaps； Armand； is that I
prayed God to give me strength； and what proves that he accepted my
sacrifice is that he gave me the strength for which I prayed。
At supper I still had need of aid； for I could not think of what I was
going to do； so much did I fear that my courage would fail me。 Who
would ever have said that I； Marguerite Gautier； would have suffered so at
the mere thought of a new lover？ I drank for forgetfulness； and when I
woke next day I was beside the count。
That is the whole truth； friend。 judge me and pardon me； as I have
pardoned you for all the wrong that you have done me since that day。
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CHAPTER 26
What followed that fatal night you know as well as I； but what you can
not know； what you can not suspect； is what I have suffered since our
separation。
I heard that your father had taken you away with him； but I felt sure
that you could not live away from me for long； and when I met you in the
Champs…Elysees； I was a little upset； but by no means surprised。
Then began that series of days； each of them brought me a fresh insult
from you。 I received them all with a kind of joy； for； besides proving to me
that you still loved me； it seemed to me as if the more you persecuted me
the more I should be raised in your eyes when you came to know the truth。
Do not wonder at my joy in martyrdom； Armand； your love for me had
opened my heart to noble enthusiasm。
Still； I was not so strong as that quite at once。
Between the time of the sacrifice made for you and the time of your
return a long while elapsed； during which I was obliged to have recourse
to physical means in order not to go mad； and in order to be blinded and
deafened in the whirl of life into which I flung myself。 Prudence has told
you （has she not？） how I went to all the fetes and balls and orgies。 I had a
sort of hope that I should kill myself by all these
