camille (la dame aux camilias)(卡米勒)-第26节
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wrote to Marguerite：
〃Some one； who repents of a letter that he wrote yesterday and who
will leave Paris to…morrow if you do not forgive him； wishes to know at
what hour he might lay his repentance at your feet。
〃When can he find you alone？ for； you know； confessions must be
made without witnesses。〃
I folded this kind of madrigal in prose； and sent it by Joseph； who
handed it to Marguerite herself； she replied that she would send the answer
later。
I only went out to have a hasty dinner； and at eleven in the evening no
reply had come。 I made up my mind to endure it no longer； and to set out
next day。 In consequence of this resolution； and convinced that I should
not sleep if I went to bed； I began to pack up my things。
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CHAPTER 15
It was hardly an hour after Joseph and I had begun preparing for my
departure； when there was a violent ring at the door。
〃Shall I go to the door？〃 said Joseph。
〃Go；〃 I said； asking myself who it could be at such an hour； and not
daring to believe that it was Marguerite。
〃Sir；〃 said Joseph coming back to me； 〃it is two ladies。〃
〃It is we； Armand；〃 cried a voice that I recognised as that of Prudence。
I came out of my room。 Prudence was standing looking around the
place； Marguerite； seated on the sofa； was meditating。 I went to her； knelt
down； took her two hands； and； deeply moved； said to her； 〃Pardon。〃
She kissed me on the forehead； and said：
〃This is the third time that I have forgiven you。〃
〃I should have gone away to…morrow。〃
〃How can my visit change your plans？ I have not come to hinder you
from leaving Paris。 I have come because I had no time to answer you
during the day； and I did not wish to let you think that I was angry with
you。 Prudence didn't want me to come； she said that I might be in the
way。〃
〃You in the way； Marguerite！ But how？〃
〃Well； you might have had a woman here；〃 said Prudence； 〃and it
would hardly have been amusing for her to see two more arrive。〃
During this remark Marguerite looked at me attentively。
〃My dear Prudence；〃 I answered； 〃you do not know what you are
saying。〃
〃What a nice place you've got！〃 Prudence went on。 〃May we see the
bedroom？〃
〃Yes。〃
Prudence went into the bedroom； not so much to see it as to make up
for the foolish thing which she had just said； and to leave Marguerite and
me alone。
〃Why did you bring Prudence？〃 I asked her。
〃Because she was at the theatre with me； and because when I leave
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here I want to have some one to see me home。〃
〃Could not I do？〃
〃Yes； but； besides not wishing to put you out； I was sure that if you
came as far as my door you would want to come up； and as I could not let
you； I did not wish to let you go away blaming me for saying 'No。'〃
〃And why could you not let me come up？〃
〃Because I am watched； and the least suspicion might do me the
greatest harm。〃
〃Is that really the only reason？〃
〃If there were any other； I would tell you； for we are not to have any
secrets from one another now。〃
〃Come； Marguerite； I am not going to take a roundabout way of saying
what I really want to say。 Honestly； do you care for me a little？〃
〃A great deal。〃
〃Then why did you deceive me？〃
〃My friend； if I were the Duchess So and So； if I had two hundred
thousand francs a year； and if I were your mistress and had another lover；
you would have the right to ask me； but I am Mlle。 Marguerite Gautier； I
am forty thousand francs in debt； I have not a penny of my own； and I
spend a hundred thousand francs a year。 Your question becomes
unnecessary and my answer useless。〃
〃You are right；〃 I said； letting my head sink on her knees； 〃but I love
you madly。〃
〃Well； my friend； you must either love me a little less or understand
me a little better。 Your letter gave me a great deal of pain。 If I had been
free； first of all I would not have seen the count the day before yesterday；
or； if I had； I should have come and asked your forgiveness as you ask me
now； and in future I should have had no other lover but you。 I fancied for a
moment that I might give myself that happiness for six months； you would
not have it； you insisted on knowing the means。 Well； good heavens； the
means were easy enough to guess！ In employing them I was making a
greater sacrifice for you than you imagine。 I might have said to you； 'I
want twenty thousand francs'； you were in love with me and you would
have found them； at the risk of reproaching me for it later on。 I preferred
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to owe you nothing； you did not understand the scruple； for such it was。
Those of us who are like me； when we have any heart at all； we give a
meaning and a development to words and things unknown to other women；
I repeat； then； that on the part of Marguerite Gautier the means which she
used to pay her debts without asking you for the money necessary for it；
was a scruple by which you ought to profit； without saying anything。 If
you had only met me to…day； you would be too delighted with what I
promised you； and you would not question me as to what I did the day
before yesterday。 We are sometimes obliged to buy the satisfaction of our
souls at the expense of our bodies； and we suffer still more； when；
afterward； that satisfaction is denied us。〃
I listened； and I gazed at Marguerite with admiration。 When I thought
that this marvellous creature； whose feet I had once longed to kiss； was
willing to let me take my place in her thoughts； my part in her life； and
that I was not yet content with what she gave me； I asked if man's desire
has indeed limits when； satisfied as promptly as mine had been； it reached
after something further。
〃Truly；〃 she continued； 〃we poor creatures of chance have fantastic
desires and inconceivable loves。 We give ourselves now for one thing；
now for another。 There are men who ruin themselves without obtaining the
least thing from us； there are others who obtain us for a bouquet of flowers。
Our hearts have their caprices； it is their one distraction and their one
excuse。 I gave myself to you sooner than I ever did to any man； I swear to
you； and do you know why？ Because when you saw me spitting blood you
took my hand； because you wept； because you are the only human being
who has ever pitied me。 I am going to say a mad thing to you： I once had a
little dog who looked at me with a sad look when I coughed； that is the
only creature I ever loved。 When he died I cried more than when my
mother died。 It is true that for twelve years of her life she used to beat me。
Well； I loved you all at once； as much as my dog。 If men knew what they
can have for a tear； they would be better loved and we should be less
ruinous to them。
〃Your letter undeceived me； it showed me that you lacked the
intelligence of the heart； it did you more harm with me than anything you
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could possibly have done。 It was jealousy certainly； but ironical and
impertinent jealousy。 I was already feeling sad when I received your letter。
I was looking forward to seeing you at twelve； to having lunch with you；
and wiping out； by seeing you； a thought which was with me incessantly；
and which； before I knew you； I had no difficulty in tolerating。
〃Then；〃 continued Marguerite； 〃you were the only person before
whom it seemed to me； from the first； that I could think and speak freely。
All those who come about women like me have an interest in calculating
their slightest words； in thinking of the consequences of their most
insignificant
