camille (la dame aux camilias)(卡米勒)-第25节
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the duke。 I expected to see you every moment； for there was a stall at my
side which remained empty the whole evening； and I was sure you had
taken it。〃
〃But why should I go where Marguerite goes？〃
〃Because you are her lover； surely！〃
〃Who told you that？〃
〃Prudence； whom I met yesterday。 I give you my congratulations； my
dear fellow； she is a charming mistress； and it isn't everybody who has the
chance。 Stick to her； she will do you credit。〃
These simple reflections of Gaston showed me how absurd had been
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my susceptibilities。 If I had only met him the night before and he had
spoken to me like that； I should certainly not have written the foolish letter
which I had written。
I was on the point of calling on Prudence； and of sending her to tell
Marguerite that I wanted to speak to her； but I feared that she would
revenge herself on me by saying that she could not see me； and I returned
home； after passing through the Rue d'Antin。 Again I asked my porter if
there was a letter for me。 Nothing！ She is waiting to see if I shall take
some fresh step； and if I retract my letter of to…day； I said to myself as I
went to bed； but； seeing that I do not write； she will write to me to…
morrow。
That night； more than ever； I reproached myself for what I had done。 I
was alone； unable to sleep； devoured by restlessness and jealousy； when by
simply letting things take their natural course I should have been with
Marguerite； hearing the delicious words which I had heard only twice； and
which made my ears burn in my solitude。
The most frightful part of the situation was that my judgment was
against me； as a matter of fact； everything went to prove that Marguerite
loved me。 First； her proposal to spend the summer with me in the country；
then the certainty that there was no reason why she should be my mistress；
since my income was insufficient for her needs and even for her caprices。
There could not then have been on her part anything but the hope of
finding in me a sincere affection； able to give her rest from the mercenary
loves in whose midst she lived； and on the very second day I had
destroyed this hope； and paid by impertinent irony for the love which I had
accepted during two nights。 What I had done was therefore not merely
ridiculous； it was indelicate。 I had not even paid the woman； that I might
have some right to find fault with her； withdrawing after two days； was I
not like a parasite of love； afraid of having to pay the bill of the banquet？
What！ I had only known Marguerite for thirty…six hours； I had been her
lover for only twenty…four； and instead of being too happy that she should
grant me all that she did； I wanted to have her all to myself； and to make
her sever at one stroke all her past relations which were the revenue of her
future。 What had I to reproach in her？ Nothing。 She had written to say she
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was unwell； when she might have said to me quite crudely； with the
hideous frankness of certain women； that she had to see a lover； and；
instead of believing her letter； instead of going to any street in Paris except
the Rue d'Antin； instead of spending the evening with my friends； and
presenting myself next day at the appointed hour； I was acting the Othello；
spying upon her； and thinking to punish her by seeing her no more。 But； on
the contrary； she ought to be enchanted at this separation。 She ought to
find me supremely foolish； and her silence was not even that of rancour； it
was contempt。
I might have made Marguerite a present which would leave no doubt
as to my generosity and permit me to feel properly quits of her； as of a
kept woman； but I should have felt that I was offending by the least
appearance of trafficking； if not the love which she had for me； at all
events the love which I had for her； and since this love was so pure that it
could admit no division； it could not pay by a present； however generous；
the happiness that it had received； however short that happiness had been。
That is what I said to myself all night long； and what I was every
moment prepared to go and say to Marguerite。 When the day dawned I
was still sleepless。 I was in a fever。 I could think of nothing but
Marguerite。
As you can imagine； it was time to take a decided step； and finish
either with the woman or with one's scruples； if； that is； she would still be
willing to see me。 But you know well； one is always slow in taking a
decided step； so； unable to remain within doors and not daring to call on
Marguerite； I made one attempt in her direction； an attempt that I could
always look upon as a mere chance if it succeeded。
It was nine o'clock； and I went at once to call upon Prudence； who
asked to what she owed this early visit。 I dared not tell her frankly what
brought me。 I replied that I had gone out early in order to reserve a place
in the diligence for C。； where my father lived。
〃You are fortunate；〃 she said； 〃in being able to get away from Paris in
this fine weather。〃
I looked at Prudence； asking myself whether she was laughing at me；
but her face was quite serious。
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〃Shall you go and say good…bye to Marguerite？〃 she continued； as
seriously as before。
〃No。〃
〃You are quite right。〃
〃You think so？〃
〃Naturally。 Since you have broken with her； why should you see her
again？〃
〃You know it is broken off？〃
〃She showed me your letter。〃
〃What did she say about it？〃
〃She said： 'My dear Prudence； your protege is not polite； one thinks
such letters； one does not write them。〃'
〃In what tone did she say that？〃
〃Laughingly； and she added： 〃He has had supper with me twice； and
hasn't even called。〃'
That； then； was the effect produced by my letter and my jealousy。 I
was cruelly humiliated in the vanity of my affection。
〃What did she do last night？〃
〃She went to the opera。〃
〃I know。 And afterward？〃
〃She had supper at home。〃
〃Alone？〃
〃With the Comte de G。； I believe。〃
So my breaking with her had not changed one of her habits。 It is for
such reasons as this that certain people say to you： Don't have anything
more to do with the woman； she cares nothing about you。
〃Well； I am very glad to find that Marguerite does not put herself out
for me；〃 I said with a forced smile。
〃She has very good reason not to。 You have done what you were
bound to do。 You have been more reasonable than she； for she was really
in love with you； she did nothing but talk of you。 I don't know what she
would not have been capable of doing。〃
〃Why hasn't she answered me； if she was in love with me？〃
〃Because she realizes she was mistaken in letting herself love you。
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Women sometimes allow you to be unfaithful to their love； they never
allow you to wound their self…esteem； and one always wounds the self…
esteem of a woman when； two days after one has become her lover； one
leaves her； no matter for what reason。 I know Marguerite； she would die
sooner than reply。〃
〃What can I do； then？〃
〃Nothing。 She will forget you； you will forget her； and neither will
have any reproach to make against the other。〃
〃But if I write and ask her forgiveness？〃
〃Don't do that； for she would forgive you。〃
I could have flung my arms round Prudence's neck。
A quarter of an hour later I was once more in my own quarters； and I
wrote to Marguerite：
〃Some one； who repents of a letter that he wrote yesterday and w
