camille (la dame aux camilias)(卡米勒)-第24节
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When I reached home I began to cry like a child。 There is no man to
whom a woman has not been unfaithful； once at least； and who will not
know what I suffered。
I said to myself； under the weight of these feverish resolutions which
one always feels as if one had the force to carry out； that I must break with
my amour at once； and I waited impatiently for daylight in order to set out
forthwith to rejoin my father and my sister； of whose love at least I was
certain； and certain that that love would never be betrayed。
However； I did not wish to go away without letting Marguerite know
why I went。 Only a man who really cares no more for his mistress leaves
her without writing to her。 I made and remade twenty letters in my head。 I
had had to do with a woman like all other women of the kind。 I had been
poetizing too much。 She had treated me like a school…boy； she had used in
deceiving me a trick which was insultingly simple。 My self…esteem got the
upper hand。 I must leave this woman without giving her the satisfaction of
knowing that she had made me suffer； and this is what I wrote to her in my
most elegant handwriting and with tears of rage and sorrow in my eyes：
〃MY DEAR MARGUERITE： I hope that your indisposition yesterday
was not serious。 I came； at eleven at night； to ask after you； and was told
that you had not come in。 M。 de G。 was more fortunate； for he presented
himself shortly afterward； and at four in the morning he had not left。
〃Forgive me for the few tedious hours that I have given you； and be
assured that I shall never forget the happy moments which I owe to you。
〃I should have called to…day to ask after you； but I intend going back
to my father's。
〃Good…bye； my dear Marguerite。 I am not rich enough to love you as I
would nor poor enough to love you as you would。 Let us then forget； you a
name which must be indifferent enough to you； I a happiness which has
become impossible。
〃I send back your key； which I have never used； and which might be
useful to you； if you are often ill as you were yesterday。〃
As you will see； I was unable to end my letter without a touch of
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impertinent irony； which proved how much in love I still was。
I read and reread this letter ten times over； then the thought of the pain
it would give to Marguerite calmed me a little。 I tried to persuade myself
of the feelings which it professed； and when my servant came to my room
at eight o'clock； I gave it to him and told him to take it at once。
〃Shall I wait for an answer？〃 asked Joseph （my servant； like all
servants； was called Joseph）。
〃If they ask whether there is a reply； you will say that you don't know；
and wait。〃
I buoyed myself up with the hope that she would reply。 Poor； feeble
creatures that we are！ All the time that my servant was away I was in a
state of extreme agitation。 At one moment I would recall how Marguerite
had given herself to me； and ask myself by what right I wrote her an
impertinent letter； when she could reply that it was not M。 de G。 who
supplanted me； but I who had supplanted M。 de G。： a mode of reasoning
which permits many women to have many lovers。 At another moment I
would recall her promises； and endeavour to convince myself that my
letter was only too gentle； and that there were not expressions forcible
enough to punish a woman who laughed at a love like mine。 Then I said to
myself that I should have done better not to have written to her； but to
have gone to see her； and that then I should have had the pleasure of
seeing the tears that she would shed。 Finally； I asked myself what she
would reply to me； already prepared to believe whatever excuse she made。
Joseph returned。
〃Well？〃 I said to him。
〃Sir；〃 said he； 〃madame was not up； and still asleep； but as soon as she
rings the letter will be taken to her； and if there is any reply it will be sent。〃
She was asleep！
Twenty times I was on the point of sending to get the letter back； but
every time I said to myself： 〃Perhaps she will have got it already； and it
would look as if I have repented of sending it。〃
As the hour at which it seemed likely that she would reply came nearer；
I regretted more and more that I had written。 The clock struck； ten； eleven；
twelve。 At twelve I was on the point of keeping the appointment as if
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nothing had happened。 In the end I could see no way out of the circle of
fire which closed upon me。
Then I began to believe； with the superstition which people have when
they are waiting； that if I went out for a little while； I should find an
answer when I got back。 I went out under the pretext of going to lunch。
Instead of lunching at the Cafe Foy； at the corner of the Boulevard； as I
usually did； I preferred to go to the Palais Royal and so pass through the
Rue d'Antin。 Every time that I saw a woman at a distance； I fancied it was
Nanine bringing me an answer。 I passed through the Rue d'Antin without
even coming across a commissionaire。 I went to Very's in the Palais Royal。
The waiter gave me something to eat； or rather served up to me whatever
he liked； for I ate nothing。 In spite of myself； my eyes were constantly
fixed on the clock。 I returned home； certain that I should find a letter from
Marguerite。
The porter had received nothing； but I still hoped in my servant。 He
had seen no one since I went out。
If Marguerite had been going to answer me she would have answered
long before。
Then I began to regret the terms of my letter； I should have said
absolutely nothing； and that would undoubtedly have aroused her
suspicions； for； finding that I did not keep my appointment； she would
have inquired the reason of my absence； and only then I should have given
it to her。 Thus； she would have had to exculpate herself； and what I wanted
was for her to exculpate herself。 I already realized that I should have
believed whatever reasons she had given me； and anything was better than
not to see her again。
At last I began to believe that she would come to see me herself； but
hour followed hour； and she did not come。
Decidedly Marguerite was not like other women； for there are few who
would have received such a letter as I had just written without answering it
at all。
At five； I hastened to the Champs…Elysees。 〃If I meet her；〃 I thought； 〃I
will put on an indifferent air； and she will be convinced that I no longer
think about her。〃
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As I turned the corner of the Rue Royale； I saw her pass in her carriage。
The meeting was so sudden that I turned pale。 I do not know if she saw my
emotion； as for me； I was so agitated that I saw nothing but the carriage。
I did not go any farther in the direction of the Champs…Elysees。 I
looked at the advertisements of the theatres； for I had still a chance of
seeing her。 There was a first night at the Palais Royal。 Marguerite was sure
to be there。 I was at the theatre by seven。 The boxes filled one after
another； but Marguerite was not there。 I left the Palais Royal and went to
all the theatres where she was most often to be seen： to the Vaudeville； the
Varietes； the Opera Comique。 She was nowhere。
Either my letter had troubled her too much for her to care to go to the
theatre； or she feared to come across me； and so wished to avoid an
explanation。 So my vanity was whispering to me on the boulevards； when
I met Gaston； who asked me where I had been。
〃At the Palais Royal。〃
〃And I at the Opera；〃 said he； 〃I expected to see you there。〃
〃Why？〃
〃Because Marguerite was there。〃
〃Ah； she was there？〃
〃Yes。
〃Alone？〃
〃No； with another woman。〃
〃That all？〃
〃The Comte de G。 came to her box for an instant； but she went off with
the duke。 I expected to see you every moment； for there was a stall at my
side which remained empty the
