camille (la dame aux camilias)(卡米勒)-第20节
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words； my eyes fixed ardently upon her。
〃Good；〃 said she； 〃put it all on the little table； and draw it up to the bed；
we will help ourselves。 This is the third night you have sat up； and you
must be in want of sleep。 Go to bed。 I don't want anything more。〃
〃Shall I lock the door？〃
〃I should think so！ And above all； tell them not to admit anybody
before midday。〃
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CAMILLE （LA DAME AUX CAMILIAS）
CHAPTER 12
At five o'clock in the morning； as the light began to appear through the
curtains； Marguerite said to me： 〃Forgive me if I send you away； but I
must。 The duke comes every morning； they will tell him； when he comes；
that I am asleep； and perhaps he will wait until I wake。〃
I took Marguerite's head in my hands； her loosened hair streamed
about her； I gave her a last kiss； saying： 〃When shall I see you again？〃
〃Listen；〃 she said； 〃take the little gilt key on the mantelpiece； open that
door； bring me back the key and go。 In the course of the day you shall
have a letter； and my orders； for you know you are to obey blindly。〃
〃Yes； but if I should already ask for something？〃
〃What？〃
〃Let me have that key。〃
〃What you ask is a thing I have never done for any one。〃
〃Well； do it for me； for I swear to you that I don't love you as the
others have loved you。〃
〃Well； keep it； but it only depends on me to make it useless to you；
after all。〃
〃How？〃
〃There are bolts on the door。〃
〃Wretch！〃
〃I will have them taken off。〃
〃You love； then； a little？〃
〃I don't know how it is； but it seems to me as if I do！ Now； go； I can't
keep my eyes open。〃
I held her in my arms for a few seconds and then went。
The streets were empty； the great city was still asleep； a sweet
freshness circulated in the streets that a few hours later would be filled
with the noise of men。 It seemed to me as if this sleeping city belonged to
me； I searched my memory for the names of those whose happiness I had
once envied； and I could not recall one without finding myself the happier。
To be loved by a pure young girl； to be the first to reveal to her the
strange mystery of love； is indeed a great happiness； but it is the simplest
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thing in the world。 To take captive a heart which has had no experience of
attack； is to enter an unfortified and ungarrisoned city。 Education； family
feeling； the sense of duty； the family； are strong sentinels； but there are no
sentinels so vigilant as not to be deceived by a girl of sixteen to whom
nature； by the voice of the man she loves； gives the first counsels of love；
all the more ardent because they seem so pure。
The more a girl believes in goodness； the more easily will she give
way； if not to her lover； at least to love； for being without mistrust she is
without force； and to win her love is a triumph that can be gained by any
young man of five…and…twenty。 See how young girls are watched and
guarded！ The walls of convents are not high enough； mothers have no
locks strong enough； religion has no duties constant enough； to shut these
charming birds in their cages； cages not even strewn with flowers。 Then
how surely must they desire the world which is hidden from them； how
surely must they find it tempting； how surely must they listen to the first
voice which comes to tell its secrets through their bars； and bless the hand
which is the first to raise a corner of the mysterious veil！
But to be really loved by a courtesan： that is a victory of infinitely
greater difficulty。 With them the body has worn out the soul； the senses
have burned up the heart； dissipation has blunted the feelings。 They have
long known the words that we say to them； the means we use； they have
sold the love that they inspire。 They love by profession； and not by instinct。
They are guarded better by their calculations than a virgin by her mother
and her convent； and they have invented the word caprice for that
unbartered love which they allow themselves from time to time； for a rest；
for an excuse； for a consolation； like usurers； who cheat a thousand； and
think they have bought their own redemption by once lending a sovereign
to a poor devil who is dying of hunger without asking for interest or a
receipt。
Then； when God allows love to a courtesan； that love； which at first
seems like a pardon； becomes for her almost without penitence。 When a
creature who has all her past to reproach herself with is taken all at once
by a profound； sincere； irresistible love； of which she had never felt herself
capable； when she has confessed her love； how absolutely the man whom
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she loves dominates her！ How strong he feels with his cruel right to say：
You do no more for love than you have done for money。 They know not
what proof to give。 A child； says the fable； having often amused himself by
crying 〃Help！ a wolf！〃 in order to disturb the labourers in the field； was
one day devoured by a Wolf； because those whom he had so often
deceived no longer believed in his cries for help。 It is the same with these
unhappy women when they love seriously。 They have lied so often that no
one will believe them； and in the midst of their remorse they are devoured
by their love。
Hence those great devotions； those austere retreats from the world； of
which some of them have given an example。
But when the man who inspires this redeeming love is great enough in
soul to receive it without remembering the past； when he gives himself up
to it； when； in short； he loves as he is loved； this man drains at one draught
all earthly emotions； and after such a love his heart will be closed to every
other。
I did not make these reflections on the morning when I returned home。
They could but have been the presentiment of what was to happen to me；
and； despite my love for Marguerite； I did not foresee such consequences。
I make these reflections to…day。 Now that all is irrevocably ended； they a
rise naturally out of what has taken place。
But to return to the first day of my liaison。 When I reached home I was
in a state of mad gaiety。 As I thought of how the barriers which my
imagination had placed between Marguerite and myself had disappeared；
of how she was now mine； of the place I now had in her thoughts； of the
key to her room which I had in my pocket； and of my right to use this key；
I was satisfied with life； proud of myself； and I loved God because he had
let such things be。
One day a young man is passing in the street； he brushes against a
woman； looks at her； turns； goes on his way。 He does not know the woman；
and she has pleasures； griefs； loves； in which he has no part。 He does not
exist for her； and perhaps； if he spoke to her； she would only laugh at him；
as Marguerite had laughed at me。 Weeks； months； years pass； and all at
once； when they have each followed their fate along a different path； the
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logic of chance brings them face to face。 The woman becomes the man's
mistress and loves him。 How？ why？ Their two existences are henceforth
one； they have scarcely begun to know one another when it seems as if
they had known one another always； and all that had gone before is wiped
out from the memory of the two lovers。 It is curious； one must admit。
As for me； I no longer remembered how I had lived before that night。
My whole being was exalted into joy at the memory of the words we had
exchanged during that first night。 Either Marguerite was very clever in
deception； or she had conceived for me one of those sudden passions
which are revealed in the first kiss； and which die； often enough； as
suddenly as they were born。
The more I reflected the more I said to myself that Marguerite had no
reason for feign
