camille (la dame aux camilias)(卡米勒)-第18节
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on which he had asked for the promise。
Though； indeed； I made this reflection； the first impression produced
on me by my future mistress was so strong that it still persisted。 I refused
obstinately to see in her a woman like other women； and； with the vanity
so common to all men； I was ready to believe that she could not but share
the attraction which drew me to her。
Yet； I had before me plenty of instances to the contrary； and I had often
heard that the affection of Marguerite was a thing to be had more or less
dear； according to the season。
But； on the other hand； how was I to reconcile this reputation with her
constant refusal of the young count whom we had found at her house？ You
may say that he was unattractive to her； and that； as she was splendidly
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kept by the duke； she would be more likely to choose a man who was
attractive to her； if she were to take another lover。 If so； why did she not
choose Gaston； who was rich； witty； and charming； and why did she care
for me； whom she had thought so ridiculous the first time she had seen
me？
It is true that there are events of a moment which tell more than the
courtship of a year。 Of those who were at the supper； I was the only one
who had been concerned at her leaving the table。 I had followed her； I had
been so affected as to be unable to hide it from her； I had wept as I kissed
her hand。 This circumstance； added to my daily visits during the two
months of her illness； might have shown her that I was somewhat different
from the other men she knew； and perhaps she had said to herself that for a
love which could thus manifest itself she might well do what she had done
so often that it had no more consequence for her。
All these suppositions； as you may see； were improbable enough； but
whatever might have been the reason of her consent； one thing was certain；
she had consented。
Now； I was in love with Marguerite。 I had nothing more to ask of her。
Nevertheless； though she was only a kept woman； I had so anticipated for
myself； perhaps to poetize it a little； a hopeless love； that the nearer the
moment approached when I should have nothing more to hope； the more I
doubted。 I did not close my eyes all night。
I scarcely knew myself。 I was half demented。 Now； I seemed to myself
not handsome or rich or elegant enough to possess such a woman； now I
was filled with vanity at the thought of it； then I began to fear lest
Marguerite had no more than a few days' caprice for me； and I said to
myself that since we should soon have to part； it would be better not to
keep her appointment； but to write and tell her my fears and leave her。
From that I went on to unlimited hope； unbounded confidence。 I dreamed
incredible dreams of the future； I said to myself that she should owe to me
her moral and physical recovery； that I should spend my whole life with
her； and that her love should make me happier than all the maidenly loves
in the world。
But I can not repeat to you the thousand thoughts that rose from my
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heart to my head； and that only faded away with the sleep that came to me
at daybreak。
When I awoke it was two o'clock。 The weather was superb。 I don't
think life ever seemed to me so beautiful and so full of possibilities。 The
memories of the night before came to me without shadow or hindrance；
escorted gaily by the hopes of the night to come。 From time to time my
heart leaped with love and joy in my breast。 A sweet fever thrilled me。 I
thought no more of the reasons which had filled my mind before I slept。 I
saw only the result； I thought only of the hour when I was to see
Marguerite again。
It was impossible to stay indoors。 My room seemed too small to
contain my happiness。 I needed the whole of nature to unbosom myself。
I went out。 Passing by the Rue d'Antin； I saw Marguerite's coupe'
waiting for her at the door。 I went toward the Champs…Elysees。 I loved all
the people whom I met。 Love gives one a kind of goodness。
After I had been walking for an hour from the Marly horses to the
Rond…Point； I saw Marguerite's carriage in the distance； I divined rather
than recognised it。 As it was turning the corner of the Champs…Elysees it
stopped； and a tall young man left a group of people with whom he was
talking and came up to her。 They talked for a few moments； the young
man returned to his friends； the horses set out again； and as I came near
the group I recognised the one who had spoken to Marguerite as the
Comte de G。； whose portrait I had seen and whom Prudence had indicated
to me as the man to whom Marguerite owed her position。 It was to him
that she had closed her doors the night before； I imagined that she had
stopped her carriage in order to explain to him why she had done so； and I
hoped that at the same time she had found some new pretext for not
receiving him on the following night。
How I spent the rest of the day I do not know； I walked； smoked；
talked； but what I said； whom I met； I had utterly forgotten by ten o'clock
in the evening。
All I remember is that when I returned home； I spent three hours over
my toilet； and I looked at my watch and my clock a hundred times； which
unfortunately both pointed to the same hour。
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When it struck half past ten； I said to myself that it was time to go。
I lived at that time in the Rue de Provence； I followed the Rue du
Mont…Blanc； crossed the Boulevard； went up the Rue Louis…le…Grand； the
Rue de Port…Mahon； and the Rue d'Antin。 I looked up at Marguerite's
windows。 There was a light。 I rang。 I asked the porter if Mlle。 Gautier was
at home。 He replied that she never came in before eleven or a quarter past
eleven。 I looked at my watch。 I intended to come quite slowly； and I had
come in five minutes from the Rue de Provence to the Rue d'Antin。
I walked to and fro in the street； there are no shops； and at that hour it
is quite deserted。 In half an hour's time
Marguerite arrived。 She looked around her as she got down from her
coupe'； as if she were looking for some one。 The carriage drove off； the
stables were not at the house。 Just as Marguerite was going to ring； I went
up to her and said； 〃Good…evening。〃
〃Ah； it is you；〃 she said； in a tone that by no means reassured me as to
her pleasure in seeing me。
〃Did you not promise me that I might come and see you to…day？〃
〃Quite right。 I had forgotten。〃
This word upset all the reflections I had had during the day。
Nevertheless； I was beginning to get used to her ways； and I did not leave
her； as I should certainly have done once。 We entered。 Nanine had already
opened the door。
〃Has Prudence come？〃 said Marguerite。
〃No； madame。〃
〃Say that she is to be admitted as soon as she comes。 But first put out
the lamp in the drawing…room； and if any one comes； say that I have not
come back and shall not be coming back。〃
She was like a woman who is preoccupied with something； and
perhaps annoyed by an unwelcome guest。 I did not know what to do or say。
Marguerite went toward her bedroom； I remained where I was。
〃Come；〃 she said。
She took off her hat and her velvet cloak and threw them on the bed；
then let herself drop into a great armchair beside the fire； which she kept
till the very beginning of summer； and said to me as she fingered her
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watch…chain：
〃Well； what news have you got for me？〃
〃None； except that I ought not to have come to…night。〃
〃Why？〃
〃Because you seem vexed； and no doubt I am boring you。〃
〃You are not boring me； only I am not well； I have been suffering all
day。 I could not sleep； and I have a frightful headache。〃
〃Shall I go away and let you go to bed？〃
〃Oh；
