bickerstaff-partridge papers(比克一帕特拉奇文件)-第5节
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for justice against a Frenchman； a Papist； an illiterate pretender to science；
that would blast my reputation； most inhumanly bury me alive； and
defraud my native country of those services； that； in my double capacity； I
daily offer to the publick。
What great provocations I have receiv'd； let the impartial reader judge；
and how unwillingly； even in my own defence； I now enter the lists against
falsehood； ignorance and envy： But I am exasperated； at length； to drag
out this cacus from the den of obscurity where he lurks； detect him by the
light of those stars he has so impudently traduced； and shew there's not a
monster in the skies so pernicious and malevolent to mankind； as an
ignorant pretender to physick and astrology。 I shall not directly fall on the
many gross errors； nor expose the notorious absurdities of this prostituted
libeller； till I have let the learned world fairly into the controversy
depending； and then leave the unprejudiced to judge of the merits and
justice of the cause。
It was towards the conclusion of the year 1707； when an impudent
pamphlet crept into the world； intituled； 'Predictions； etc。' by Isaac
Bickerstaff； Esq； Amongst the many arrogant assertions laid down by
that lying spirit of divination； he was pleas'd to pitch on the Cardinal de
Noailles and myself； among many other eminent and illustrious persons；
that were to die within the compass of the ensuing year； and peremptorily
fixes the month； day； and hour of our deaths： This； I think； is sporting with
great men； and publick spirits； to the scandal of religion； and reproach of
power； and if sovereign princes and astrologers must make diversion for
the vulgar why then farewel； say I； to all governments； ecclesiastical
and civil。 But； I thank my better stars； I am alive to confront this false and
audacious predictor； and to make him rue the hour he ever affronted a man
of science and resentment。 The Cardinal may take what measures he
pleases with him； as his excellency is a foreigner； and a papist； he has no
reason to rely on me for his justification； I shall only assure the world he is
alive but as he was bred to letters； and is master of a pen； let him use it
in his own defence。 In the mean time I shall present the publick with a
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faithful narrative of the ungenerous treatment and hard usage I have
received from the virulent papers and malicious practices of this pretended
astrologer。
A true and impartial account of the proceedings of Isaac Bickerstaff；
Esq； against me
The 28th of March； Anno Dom。 1708； being the night this sham…
prophet had so impudently fix'd for my last； which made little impression
on myself； but I cannot answer for my whole family； for my wife； with a
concern more than usual； prevailed on me to take somewhat to sweat for a
cold； and； between the hours of eight and nine； to go to bed： The maid； as
she was warming my bed； with a curiosity natural to young wenches； runs
to the window； and asks of one passing the street； who the bell toll'd for？
Dr。 Partridge； says he； that famous almanack…maker； who died suddenly
this evening： The poor girl provoked； told him he ly'd like a rascal； the
other very sedately reply'd； the sexton had so informed him； and if false；
he was to blame for imposing upon a stranger。 She asked a second； and a
third； as they passed； and every one was in the same tone。 Now I don't say
these are accomplices to a certain astrological 'squire； and that one
Bickerstaff might be sauntring thereabouts； because I will assert nothing
here but what I dare attest； and plain matter of fact。 My wife at this fell
into a violent disorder； and I must own I was a little discomposed at the
oddness of the accident。 In the mean time one knocks at my door； Betty
runs down； and opening； finds a sober grave person； who modestly
enquires if this was Dr。 Partridge's？ She taking him for some cautious city…
patient； that came at that time for privacy； shews him into the dining room。
As soon as I could compose myself； I went to him； and was surprized to
find my gentleman mounted on a table with a two…foot rule in his hand；
measuring my walls； and taking the dimensions of the room。 Pray sir； says
I； not to interrupt you； have you any business with me？ Only； sir； replies
he； order the girl to bring me a better light； for this is but a very dim one。
Sir； says I； my name is Partridge： Oh！ the Doctor's brother； belike； cries he；
the stair…case； I believe； and these two apartments hung in close mourning；
will be sufficient； and only a strip of bays round the other rooms。 The
Doctor must needs die rich； he had great dealings in his way for many
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years； if he had no family coat； you had as good use the escutcheons of the
company； they are as showish； and will look as magnificent as if he was
descended from the blood royal。 With that I assumed a great air of
authority； and demanded who employ'd him； or how he came there？ Why；
I was sent； sir； by the Company of Undertakers； says he； and they were
employed by the honest gentleman； who is executor to the good Doctor
departed； and our rascally porter； I believe； is fallen fast asleep with the
black cloth and sconces； or he had been here； and we might have been
tacking up by this time。 Sir； says I； pray be advis'd by a friend； and make
the best of your speed out of my doors； for I hear my wife's voice； （which
by the by； is pretty distinguishable） and in that corner of the room stands a
good cudgel； which somebody has felt e're now； if that light in her hands；
and she know the business you come about； without consulting the stars； I
can assure you it will be employed very much to the detriment of your
person。 Sir； cries he； bowing with great civility； I perceive extreme grief
for the loss of the Doctor disorders you a little at present； but early in the
morning I'll wait on you with all necessary materials。 Now I mention no
Mr。 Bickerstaff； nor do I say； that a certain star…gazing 'squire has been
playing my executor before his time； but I leave the world to judge； and if
he puts things and things fairly together； it won't be much wide of the
mark。
Well； once more I got my doors clos'd； and prepar'd for bed； in hopes
of a little repose after so many ruffling adventures； just as I was putting
out my light in order to it； another bounces as hard as he can knock； I open
the window； and ask who's there； and what he wants？ I am Ned the sexton；
replies he； and come to know whether the Doctor left any orders for a
funeral sermon； and where he is to be laid； and whether his grave is to be
plain or bricked？ Why； sirrah； says I； you know me well enough； you
know I am not dead； and how dare you affront me in this manner？ Alack…
a…day； replies the fellow； why 'tis in print； and the whole town knows you
are dead； why； there's Mr。 White the joiner is but fitting screws to your
coffin； he'll be here with it in an instant： he was afraid you would have
wanted it before this time。 Sirrah； Sirrah； says I； you shall know tomorrow
to your cost； that I am alive； and alive like to be。 Why； 'tis strange； sir； says
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he； you should make such a secret of your death to us that are your
neighbours； it looks as if you had a design to defraud the church of its
dues； and let me tell you； for one that has lived so long by the heavens；
that's unhandsomely done。 Hist； Hist； says another rogue that stood by him；
away Doctor； in your flannel gear as fast as you can； for here's a whole
pack of dismals coming to you with their black equipage； and how
indecent will it look for you to stand fright'ning folks at your window；
when you should have been in your coffin this three hours？ In short
