the complete plays-第15节
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Our fairy forms all in a row； strung up upon the Castle gibbet！
＇Exeunt Chorus。 Manent LUDWIG； LISA；
ERNEST； JULIA； and NOTARY。
JULIA。 Well； a nice mess you've got us into！ There's an
end of our precious plot！ All uppopfizzlebangdone for！
LUD。 Yes； butha！ ha！fancy my choosing the Grand Duke's
private detective； of all men； to make a confidant of！ When you
come to think of it； it's really devilish funny！
ERN。 （angrily）。 When you come to think of it； it's
extremely injudicious to admit into a conspiracy every
pudding…headed baboon who presents himself！
LUD。 YesI should never do that。 If I were chairman of
this gang； I should hesitate to enrol any baboon who couldn't
produce satisfactory credentials from his last Zoological
Gardens。
LISA。 Ludwig is far from being a baboon。 Poor boy； he
could not help giving us awayit's his trusting naturehe was
deceived。
JULIA （furiously）。 His trusting nature！ （To LUDWIG。） Oh；
I should like to talk to you in my own language for five
minutesonly five minutes！ I know some good； strong； energetic
English remarks that would shrivel your trusting nature into
raisinsonly you wouldn't understand them！
LUD。 Here we perceive one of the disadvantages of a
neglected education！
ERN。 （to JULIA）。 And I suppose you'll never be my Grand
Duchess now！
JULIA。 Grand Duchess？ My good friend； if you don't
produce
the piece how can I play the part？
ERN。 True。 （To LUDWIG。） You see what you've done。
LUD。 But； my dear sir； you don't seem to understand that
the man ate three sausage…rolls。 Keep that fact steadily before
you。 Three large sausage…rolls。
JULIA。 Bah！Lots of people eat sausage…rolls who are not
conspirators。
LUD。 Then they shouldn't。 It's bad form。 It's not the
game。 When one of the Human Family proposes to eat a
sausage…roll； it is his duty to ask himself； 〃Am I a
conspirator？〃 And if； on examination； he finds that he is not a
conspirator； he is bound in honour to select some other form of
refreshment。
LISA。 Of course he is。 One should always play the game。
（To NOTARY； who has been smiling placidly through this。） What
are you grinning at； you greedy old man？
NOT。 Nothingdon't mind me。 It is always amusing to the
legal mind to see a parcel of laymen bothering themselves about a
matter which to a trained lawyer presents no difficulty whatever。
ALL。 No difficulty！
NOT。 None whatever！ The way out of it is quite simple。
ALL。 Simple？
NOT。 Certainly！ Now attend。 In the first place； you two
men fight a Statutory Duel。
ERN。 A Statutory Duel？
JULIA。 A Stat…tat…tatutory Duel！ Ach！ what a crack…jaw
language this German is！
LUD。 Never heard of such a thing。
NOT。 It is true that the practice has fallen into abeyance
through disuse。 But all the laws of Pfennig Halbpfennig run for
a hundred years； when they die a natural death； unless； in the
meantime； they have been revived for another century。 The Act
that institutes the Statutory Duel was passed a hundred years
ago； and as it has never been revived； it expires to…morrow。 So
you're just in time。
JULIA。 But what is the use of talking to us about
Statutory
Duels when we none of us know what a Statutory Duel is？
NOT。 Don't you？ Then I'll explain。
SONGNOTARY。
About a century since；
The code of the duello
To sudden death
For want of breath
Sent many a strapping fellow。
The then presiding Prince
（Who useless bloodshed hated）；
He passed an Act；
Short and compact；
Which may be briefly stated。
Unlike the complicated laws
A Parliamentary draftsman draws；
It may be briefly stated。
ALL。 We know that complicated laws；
Such as a legal draftsman draws；
Cannot be briefly stated。
NOT。 By this ingenious law；
If any two shall quarrel；
They may not fight
With falchions bright
（Which seemed to him immoral）；
But each a card shall draw；
And he who draws the lowest
Shall （so 'twas said）
Be thenceforth dead
In fact； a legal 〃ghoest〃
（When exigence of rhyme compels；
Orthography forgoes her spells；
And 〃ghost〃 is written 〃ghoest〃）。
ALL （aside） With what an emphasis he dwells
Upon 〃orthography〃 and 〃spells〃！
That kind of fun's the lowest。
NOT。 When off the loser's popped
（By pleasing legal fiction）；
And friend and foe
Have wept their woe
In counterfeit affliction；
The winner must adopt
The loser's poor relations
Discharge his debts；
Pay all his bets；
And take his obligations。
In short； to briefly sum the case；
The winner takes the loser's place；
With all its obligations。
ALL。 How neatly lawyers state a case！
The winner takes the loser's place；
With all its obligations！
LUD。 I see。 The man who draws the lowest card
NOT。 Dies； ipso facto； a social death。 He loses all his
civil rightshis identity disappearsthe Revising Barrister
expunges his name from the list of voters； and the winner takes
his place； whatever it may be； discharges all his functions； and
adopts all his responsibilities。
ERN。 This is all very well； as far as it goes； but it only
protects one of us。 What's to become of the survivor？
LUD。 Yes； that's an interesting point； because I might be
the survivor。
NOT。 The survivor goes at once to the Grand Duke； and； in
a
burst of remorse； denounces the dead man as the moving spirit of
the plot。 He is accepted as King's evidence； and； as a matter of
course； receives a free pardon。 To…morrow； when the law expires；
the dead man will； ipso facto； come to life againthe Revising
Barrister will restore his name to the list of voters； and he
will resume all his obligations as though nothing unusual had
happened。
JULIA。 When he will be at once arrested； tried； and
executed on the evidence of the informer！ Candidly； my friend； I
don't think much of your plot！
NOT。 Dear； dear； dear； the ignorance of the laity！ My
good
young lady； it is a beautiful maxim of our glorious Constitution
that a man can only die once。 Death expunges crime； and when he
comes to life again； it will be with a clean slate。
ERN。 It's really very ingenious。
LUD。 （to NOTARY）。 My dear sir； we owe you our lives！
LISA （aside to LUDWIG）。 May I kiss him？
LUD。 Certainly not： you're a big girl now。 （To ERNEST。）
Well； miscreant； are you prepared to meet me on the field of
honour？
ERN。 At once。 By Jove； what a couple of fire…eaters we
are！
LISA。 Ludwig doesn't know what fear is。
LUD。 Oh； I don't mind this sort of duel！
ERN。 It's not like a duel with swords。 I hate a duel with
swords。 It's not the blade I mindit's the blood。
LUD。 And I hate a duel with pistols。 It's not the ball I
mindit's the bang。
NOT。 Altogether it is a great improvement on the old
method
of giving satisfaction。
QUINTET。
LUDWIG； LISA； NOTARY； ERNEST； JULIA。
Strange the views some people hold！
Two young fellows quarrel
Then they fight； for both are bold
Rage of both is uncontrolled
Both are stretched out； stark and cold！
Prithee； where's the moral？
Ding dong！ Ding dong！
There's an end to further action；
And this barbarous transaction
Is described as 〃satisfaction〃！
Ha！ ha！ ha！ ha！ satisfaction！
Ding dong！ Ding dong！
Each is laid in churchyard mould
Strange the views some people hold！
Better than the method old；
Which was coarse and cruel；
Is the plan that we've extolled。
Sing thy virtues manifold
（Better than refined gold）；
Statutory Duel！
Sing song！ Sing song！
Sword or pistol neither uses
Playing card he lightly chooses；
And the loser simply loses！
Ha！ ha！ ha！ ha！ simply loses。
