the complete plays-第13节
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two of its members。 I present myself in due course； and I find；
not only that the ceremony has taken placewhich is not of the
least consequence but the wedding breakfast is half
eatenwhich is a consideration of the most serious importance。
（LUDWIG and LISA come down。）
LUD。 But the ceremony has not taken place。 We can't get a
parson！
NOT。 Can't get a parson！ Why； how's that？ They're three
a
penny！
LUD。 Oh； it's the old storythe Grand Duke！
ALL。 Ugh！
LUD。 It seems that the little imp has selected this； our
wedding day； for a convocation of all the clergy in the town to
settle the details of his approaching marriage with the
enormously wealthy Baroness von Krakenfeldt； and there won't be a
parson to be had for love or money until six o'clock this
evening！
LISA。 And as we produce our magnificent classical revival
of Troilus and Cressida to…night at seven； we have no alternative
but to eat our wedding breakfast before we've earned it。 So sit
down； and make the best of it。
GRET。 Oh； I should like to pull his Grand Ducal ears for
him； that I should！ He's the meanest； the cruellest； the most
spiteful little ape in Christendom！
OLGA。 Well； we shall soon be freed from his tyranny。
To…morrow the Despot is to be dethroned！
LUD。 Hush； rash girl！ You know not what you say。
OLGA。 Don't be absurd！ We're all in itwe're all tiled；
here。
LUD。 That has nothing to do with it。 Know ye not that in
alluding to our conspiracy without having first given and
received the secret sign； you are violating a fundamental
principle of our Association？
SONGLUDWIG。
By the mystic regulation
Of our dark Association；
Ere you open conversation
With another kindred soul；
You must eat a sausage…roll！ （Producing one。）
ALL。 You must eat a sausage…roll！
LUD。 If； in turn； he eats another；
That's a sign that he's a brother
Each may fully trust the other。
It is quaint and it is droll；
But it's bilious on the whole。
ALL。 Very bilious on the whole。
LUD。 It's a greasy kind of pasty；
Which； perhaps； a judgement hasty
Might consider rather tasty：
Once （to speak without disguise）
It found favour in our eyes。
ALL。 It found favour in our eyes。
LUD。 But when you've been six months feeding
（As we have） on this exceeding
Bilious food； it's no ill…breeding
If at these repulsive pies
Our offended gorges rise！
ALL。 Our offended gorges rise！
MARTHA。 Oh； bother the secret sign！ I've eaten it until
I'm quite uncomfortable！ I've given it six times already
to…dayand （whimpering） I can't eat any breakfast！
BERTHA。 And it's so unwholesome。 Why； we should all be as
yellow as frogs if it wasn't for the make…up！
LUD。 All this is rank treason to the cause。 I suffer as
much as any of you。 I loathe the repulsive thingI can't
contemplate it without a shudderbut I'm a conscientious
conspirator； and if you won't give the sign I will。 （Eats
sausage…roll with an effort。）
LISA。 Poor martyr！ He's always at it； and it's a wonder
where he puts it！
NOT。 Well now； about Troilus and Cressida。 What do you
play？
LUD。 （struggling with his feelings）。 If you'll be so
obliging as to wait until I've got rid of this feeling of warm
oil at the bottom of my throat； I'll tell you all about it。
（LISA gives him some brandy。） Thank you； my love； it's gone。
Well； the piece will be produced upon a scale of unexampled
magnificence。 It is confidently predicted that my appearance as
King Agamemnon； in a Louis Quatorze wig； will mark an epoch in
the theatrical annals of Pfennig Halbpfennig。 I endeavoured to
persuade Ernest Dummkopf； our manager； to lend us the classical
dresses for our marriage。 Think of the effect of a real Athenian
wedding procession cavorting through the streets of Speisesaal！
Torches burningcymbals bangingflutes tootlingcitharae
twangingand a throng of fifty lovely Spartan virgins capering
before us； all down the High Street； singing 〃Eloia！ Eloia！
Opoponax； Eloia！〃 It would have been tremendous！
NOT。 And he declined？
LUD。 He did； on the prosaic ground that it might rain； and
the ancient Greeks didn't carry umbrellas！ If； as is confidently
expected； Ernest Dummkopf is elected to succeed the dethroned
one； mark any words； he will make a mess of it。
＇Exit LUDWIG with LISA。
OLGA。 He's sure to be elected。 His entire company has
promised to plump for him on the understanding that all the
places about the Court are filled by members of his troupe；
according to professional precedence。
ERNEST enters in great excitement。
BERTHA （looking off）。 Here comes Ernest Dummkopf。 Now we
shall know all about it！
ALL。 Wellwhat's the news？ How is the election going？
ERN。 Oh； it's a certaintya practical certainty！ Two of
the candidates have been arrested for debt； and the third is a
baby in armsso； if you keep your promises； and vote solid； I'm
cocksure of election！
OLGA。 Trust to us。 But you remember the conditions？
ERN。 Yesall of you shall be provided for； for life。
Every man shall be ennobledevery lady shall have unlimited
credit at the Court Milliner's； and all salaries shall be paid
weekly in advance！
GRET。 Oh； it's quite clear he knows how to rule a Grand
Duchy！
ERN。 Rule a Grand Duchy？ Why； my good girl； for ten years
past I've ruled a theatrical company！ A man who can do that can
rule anything！
SONGERNEST。
Were I a king in very truth；
And had a sona guileless youth
In probable succession；
To teach him patience； teach him tact；
How promptly in a fix to act；
He should adopt； in point of fact；
A manager's profession。
To that condition he should stoop
（Despite a too fond mother）；
With eight or ten 〃stars〃 in his troupe；
All jealous of each other！
Oh； the man who can rule a theatrical crew；
Each member a genius （and some of them two）；
And manage to humour them； little and great；
Can govern this tuppenny State！
ALL。 Oh； the man； etc。
Both A and B rehearsal slight
They say they'll be 〃all right at night〃
（They've both to go to school yet）；
C in each act must change her dress；
D will attempt to 〃square the press〃；
E won't play Romeo unless
His grandmother plays Juliet；
F claims all hoydens as her rights
（She's played them thirty seasons）；
And G must show herself in tights
For two convincing reasons
Two very well…shaped reasons！
Oh； the man who can drive a theatrical team；
With wheelers and leaders in order supreme；
Can govern and rule； with a wave of his fin；
All Europewith Ireland thrown in！
ALL。 Oh； the man； etc。
＇Exeunt all but ERNEST。
ERN。 Elected by my fellow…conspirators to be Grand Duke of
Pfennig Halbpfennig as soon as the contemptible little occupant
of the historical throne is deposedhere is promotion indeed！
Why； instead of playing Troilus of Troy for a month； I shall play
Grand Duke of Pfennig Halbpfennig for a lifetime！ Yet； am I
happy？ Nofar from happy！ The lovely English comdiennethe
beautiful Julia； whose dramatic ability is so overwhelming that
our audiences forgive even her strong English accentthat rare
and radiant being treats my respectful advances with disdain
unutterable！ And yet； who knows？ She is haughty and ambitious；
and it may be that the splendid change in my fortunes may work a
corresponding change in her feelings towards me！
Enter JULIA JELLICOE。
JULIA。 Herr Dummkopf； a word with you； if you please。
ERN。 Beautiful English maiden
JULIA。 No compliments； I beg。 I desire to speak with you
on a
purely professional matter； so we will； if you please； dispense
with
allusions to my personal appearance； which can only tend to widen
the
breach which already exists between us。
ERN。 （aside）。 My only hope shattered！ The haughty
Londoner
still despises me！ （Aloud。） It shall be as you will。
JULI
