a mortal antipathy-第40节

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should　have　grown　to　mature　manhood。



How　shall　I　describe　the　conflicts　of　those　dreamy；　bewildering；

dreadful　years？　　Visions　of　loveliness　haunted　me　sleeping　and

waking。　　Sometimes　a　graceful　girlish　figure　would　so　draw　my　eyes

towards　it　that　I　lost　sight　of　all　else；　and　was　ready　to　forget　all

my　fears　and　find　myself　at　her　side；　like　other　youths　by　the　side

of　young　maidens；happy　in　their　cheerful　companionship；　while　I；

I；　under　the　curse　of　one　blighting　moment；　looked　on；　hopeless。

Sometimes　the　glimpse　of　a　fair　face　or　the　tone　of　a　sweet　voice

stirred　within　me　all　the　instincts　that　make　the　morning　of　life

beautiful　to　adolescence。　　I　reasoned　with　myself：



Why　should　I　not　have　outgrown　that　idle　apprehension　which　had　been

the　nightmare　of　my　earlier　years？　　Why　should　not　the　rising　tide　of

life　have　drowned　out　the　feeble　growths　that　infested　the　shallows

of　childhood？　　How　many　children　there　are　who　tremble　at　being　left

alone　in　the　dark；　but　who；　a　few　years　later；　will　smile　at　their

foolish　terrors　and　brave　all　the　ghosts　of　a　haunted　chamber！　　Why

should　I　any　longer　be　the　slave　of　a　foolish　fancy　that　has　grown

into　a　half　insane　habit　of　mind？　　I　was　familiarly　acquainted　with

all　the　stories　of　the　strange　antipathies　and　invincible　repugnances

to　which　others；　some　of　them　famous　men；　had　been　subject。　　I　said

to　myself；　Why　should　not　I　overcome　this　dread　of　woman　as　Peter　the

Great　fought　down　his　dread　of　wheels　rolling　over　a　bridge？　　Was　I；

alone　of　all　mankind；　to　be　doomed　to　perpetual　exclusion　from　the

society　which；　as　it　seemed　to　me；　was　all　that　rendered　existence

worth　the　trouble　and　fatigue　of　slavery　to　the　vulgar　need　of

supplying　the　waste　of　the　system　and　working　at　the　task　of

respiration　like　the　daughters　of　Danaus；toiling　day　and　night　as

the　worn…out　sailor　labors　at　the　pump　of　his　sinking　vessel？



Why　did　I　not　brave　the　risk　of　meeting　squarely；　and　without　regard

to　any　possible　danger；　some　one　of　those　fair　maidens　whose　far…off

smile；　whose　graceful　movements；　at　once　attracted　and　agitated　me？

I　can　only　answer　this　question　to　the　satisfaction　of　any　really

inquiring　reader　by　giving　him　the　true　interpretation　of　the

singular　phenomenon　of　which　I　was　the　subject。　　For　this　I　shall

have　to　refer　to　a　paper　of　which　I　have　made　a　copy；　and　which　will

be　found　included　with　this　manuscript。　　It　is　enough　to　say　here；

without　entering　into　the　explanation　of　the　fact；　which　will　be

found　simple　enough　as　seen　by　the　light　of　modern　physiological

science；　that　the　〃nervous　disturbance〃　which　the　presence　of　a　woman

in　the　flower　of　her　age　produced　in　my　system　was　a　sense　of

impending　death；　sudden；　overwhelming；　unconquerable；　appalling。　　It

was　a　reversed　action　of　the　nervous　centres；the　opposite　of　that

which　flushes　the　young　lover's　cheek　and　hurries　his　bounding　pulses

as　he　comes　into　the　presence　of　the　object　of　his　passion。　　No　one

who　has　ever　felt　the　sensation　can　have　failed　to　recognize　it　as　an

imperative　summons；　which　commands　instant　and　terrified　submission。



It　was　at　this　period　of　my　life　that　my　father　determined　to　try　the

effect　of　travel　and　residence　in　different　localities　upon　my　bodily

and　mental　condition。　　I　say　bodily　as　well　as　mental；　for　I　was　too

slender　for　my　height　and　subject　to　some　nervous　symptoms　which　were

a　cause　of　anxiety。　　That　the　mind　was　largely　concerned　in　these

there　was　no　doubt；　but　the　mutual　interactions　of　mind　and　body　are

often　too　complex　to　admit　of　satisfactory　analysis。　　Each　is　in　part

cause　and　each　also　in　part　effect。



We　passed　some　years　in　Italy；　chiefly　in　Rome；　where　I　was　placed　in

a　school　conducted　by　priests；　and　where　of　course　I　met　only　those

of　my　own　sex。　　There　I　had　the　opportunity　of　seeing　the　influences

under　which　certain　young　Catholics；　destined　for　the　priesthood；　are

led　to　separate　themselves　from　all　communion　with　the　sex　associated

in　their　minds　with　the　most　subtle　dangers　to　which　the　human　soul

can　be　exposed。　　I　became　in　some　degree　reconciled　to　the　thought　of

exclusion　from　the　society　of　women　by　seeing　around　me　so　many　who

were　self…devoted　to　celibacy。　　The　thought　sometimes　occurred　to　me

whether　I　should　not　find　the　best　and　the　only　natural　solution　of

the　problem　of　existence；　as　submitted　to　myself；　in　taking　upon　me

the　vows　which　settle　the　whole　question　and　raise　an　impassable

barrier　between　the　devotee　and　the　object　of　his　dangerous

attraction。



How　often　I　talked　this　whole　matter　over　with　the　young　priest　who

was　at　once　my　special　instructor　and　my　favorite　companion！　　But

accustomed　as　I　had　become　to　the　forms　of　the　Roman　Church；　and

impressed　as　I　was　with　the　purity　and　excellence　of　many　of　its

young　members　with　whom　I　was　acquainted；　my　early　training　rendered

it　impossible　for　me　to　accept　the　credentials　which　it　offered　me　as

authoritative。　　My　friend　and　instructor　had　to　set　me　down　as　a　case

of　〃invincible　ignorance。〃　　This　was　the　loop…hole　through　which　he

crept　out　of　the　prison…house　of　his　creed；　and　was　enabled　to　look

upon　me　without　the　feeling　of　absolute　despair　with　which　his

sterner　brethren　would；　I　fear；　have　regarded　me。



I　have　said　that　accident　exposed　me　at　times　to　the　influence　which

I　had　such　reasons　for　dreading。　　Here　is　one　example　of　such　an

occurrence；　which　I　relate　as　simply　as　possible；　vividly　as　it　is

impressed　upon　my　memory。　　A　young　friend　whose　acquaintance　I　had

made　in　Rome　asked　me　one　day　to　come　to　his　rooms　and　look　at　a

cabinet　of　gems　and　medals　which　he　had　collected。　　I　had　been　but　a

short　time　in　his　library　when　a　vague　sense　of　uneasiness　came　over

me。　　My　heart　became　restless；I　could　feel　it　stirring　irregularly；

as　if　it　were　some　frightened　creature　caged　in　my　breast。　　There　was

nothing　that　I　could　see　to　account　for　it。　　A　door　was　partly　open；

but　not　so　that　I　could　see　into　the　next　room。　　The　feeling　grew

upon　me　of　some　influence　which　was　paralyzing　my　circulation。　　I

begged　my　friend　to　open　a　window。　　As　be　did　so；　the　door　swung　in

the　draught；　and　I　saw　a　blooming　young　woman；it　was　my　friend's

sister；　who　had　been　sitting　with　a　book　in　her　hand；　and　who　rose　at

the　opening　of　the　door。　　Something　had　warned　me　of　the　presence　of

a　woman；　that　occult　and　potent　aura　of　individuality；　call　it

personal　magnetism；　spiritual　effluence；　or　reduce　it　to　a　simpler

expression　if　you　will；　whatever　it　was；　it　had　warned　me　of　the

nearness　of　the　dread　attraction　which　allured　at　a　distance　and

revealed　itself　with　all　the　terrors　of　the　Lorelei　if　approached　too

recklessly。　　A　sign　from　her　brother　caused　her　to　withdraw　at　once；

but　not　before　I　had　felt　the　impression　which　betrayed　itself　in　my

change　of　color；　anxiety　about　the　region　of　the　heart；　and　sudden

failure　as　if　about　to　fall　in　a　deadly　fainting…fit。



Does　all　this　seem　strange　and　incredible　to　the　reader　of　my

manuscript？　　Nothing　in　the　history　of　life　is　so　strange　or

exceptional　as　it　seems　to　those　who　have　not　made　a　long　study　of

its　mysteries。　　I　have　never　known　just　such　a　case　as　my　own；　and

yet　there　must　have　been　such；　and　if　the　whole　history　of　mankind

were　unfolded　I　cannot　doubt　that　there　have　been　many　like　it。　　Let

my　reader　suspend　his　judgment　until　he　has　read　the　paper　I　have

referred　to；　which　was　drawn　up　by　a　Committee　of　the　Royal　Academy

of　the　Biological　Sciences。　　In　this　paper　the　mechanism　of　the

series　of　nervous　derangements　to　which　I　have　been　subject　since　the

fatal　shock　experienced　in　my　infancy　is　explained　in　language　not

hard　to　understand。　　It　will　be　seen　that　such　a　change　of　polarity

in　the　nervous　centres　is　only　a　permanent　form　and　an　extreme　degree

of　an　emotional　disturbance；　which　as　a　temporary　and　comparatively

unimportant　personal　accident　is　far　from　being　uncommon；is　so

frequent；　in　fact；　that　every　one　must　have　known　instances　of　it；

and　not　a　few　must　have　had　more　or　less　serious　experiences　of　it　in

their　own　private　history。



It　must　not　be　supposed　that　my　imagination　dealt　with　me　as　I　am　now

dealing　with　the　reader。　　I　was　full　of　strange　fancies　and　wild

superstitions。　　One　of　my　Catholic　friends　gave　me　a　silver　medal

which　had　been　blessed　by　the　Pope；　and　which　I　was　to　wear　next　my

body。　　I　was　told　that　this　would　turn　black　after　a　time；　in　virtue

of　a　power　which　it　possessed　of　drawing　out　original　sin；　or　certain

portions　of　it；　together　with　the　evil　and　morbid　tendencies　which

had　been　engrafted　on　the　corrupt　nature。　　I　wore　the　medal

faithfully；　as　directed；　and　watched　it　carefully。　　It　became

tarnished　and　after　a　time　darkened；　but　it　wrought　no　change　in　my

unnatural　condition。



There　was　an　old　gypsy　who　had　the　reputation　of　knowing　more　of

futurity　than　she　had　any　right　to　know。　　The　s