the little white bird-第13节

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would　she　have　fled　away；　but　that　her　fear　was　less　than　her

gladness。　　She　came　to　me　slowly；　no　incomprehensible　thing　to　me

now；　but　transparent　as　a　pool；　and　so　restful　to　look　upon　that

she　was　a　bath　to　the　eyes；　like　banks　of　moss。



Because　I　knew　the　maid；　she　was　mine。　　Every　maid；　I　say；　is　for

him　who　can　know　her。　　The　others　had　but　followed　the　glamour　in

which　she　walked；　but　I　had　pierced　it　and　found　the　woman。　　I

could　anticipate　her　every　thought　and　gesture；　I　could　have

flashed　and　rippled　and　mocked　for　her；　and　melted　for　her　and

been　dear　disdain　for　her。　　She　would　forget　this　and　be　suddenly

conscious　of　it　as　she　began　to　speak；　when　she　gave　me　a　look

with　a　shy　smile　in　it　which　meant　that　she　knew　I　was　already

waiting　at　the　end　of　what　she　had　to　say。　　I　call　this　the　blush

of　the　eye。　　She　had　a　look　and　a　voice　that　were　for　me　alone；

her　very　finger…tips　were　charged　with　caresses　for　me。　　And　I

loved　even　her　naughtinesses；　as　when　she　stamped　her　foot　at　me；

which　she　could　not　do　without　also　gnashing　her　teeth；　like　a

child　trying　to　look　fearsome。　　How　pretty　was　that　gnashing　of

her　teeth！　　All　her　tormentings　of　me　turned　suddenly　into

sweetnesses；　and　who　could　torment　like　this　exquisite　fury；

wondering　in　sudden　flame　why　she　could　give　herself　to　anyone；

while　I　wondered　only　why　she　could　give　herself　to　me。　　It　may

be　that　I　wondered　over…much。　　Perhaps　that　was　why　I　lost　her。



It　was　in　the　full　of　the　moon　that　she　was　most　restive；　but　I

brought　her　back；　and　at　first　she　could　have　bit　my　hand；　but

then　she　came　willingly。　　Never；　I　thought；　shall　she　be　wholly

tamed；　but　he　who　knows　her　will　always　be　able　to　bring　her

back。



I　am　not　that　man；　for　mystery　of　mysteries；　I　lost　her。　　I　know

not　how　it　was；　though　in　the　twilight　of　my　life　that　then　began

I　groped　for　reasons　until　I　wearied　of　myself；　all　I　know　is

that　she　had　ceased　to　love　me；　I　had　won　her　love；　but　I　could

not　keep　it。　　The　discovery　came　to　me　slowly；　as　if　I　were　a

most　dull…witted　man；　at　first　I　knew　only　that　I　no　longer

understood　her　as　of　old。　　I　found　myself　wondering　what　she　had

meant　by　this　and　that；　I　did　not　see　that　when　she　began　to

puzzle　me　she　was　already　lost　to　me。　　It　was　as　if；　unknowing；　I

had　strayed　outside　the　magic　circle。



When　I　did　understand　I　tried　to　cheat　myself　into　the　belief

that　there　was　no　change；　and　the　dear　heart　bleeding　for　me

assisted　in　that　poor　pretence。　　She　sought　to　glide　to　me　with

swimming　eyes　as　before；　but　it　showed　only　that　this　caressing

movement　was　still　within　her　compass；　but　never　again　for　me。　

With　the　hands　she　had　pressed　to　her　breast　she　touched　mine；

but　no　longer　could　they　convey　the　message。　　The　current　was

broken；　and　soon　we　had　to　desist　miserably　from　our　pretences。　

She　could　tell　no　more　than　I　why　she　had　ceased　to　love　me；　she

was　scarcely　less　anxious　than　I　that　I　should　make　her　love　me

again；　and；　as　I　have　said；　she　waited　with　a　wonderful　tolerance

while　I　strove　futilely　to　discover　in　what　I　was　lacking　and　to

remedy　it。　　And　when；　at　last；　she　had　to　leave　me；　it　was　with

compassionate　cries　and　little　backward　flights。



The　failure　was　mine　alone；　but　I　think　I　should　not　have　been　so

altered　by　it　had　I　known　what　was　the　defect　in　me　through　which

I　let　her　love　escape。　　This　puzzle　has　done　me　more　harm　than

the　loss　of　her。　　Nevertheless；　you　must　know　（if　I　am　to　speak

honestly　to　you）　that　I　do　not　repent　me　those　dallyings　in

enchanted　fields。　　It　may　not　have　been　so　always；　for　I　remember

a　black　night　when　a　poor　lieutenant　lay　down　in　an　oarless　boat

and　let　it　drift　toward　the　weir。　　But　his　distant　moans　do　not

greatly　pain　me　now；　rather　am　I　elated　to　find　（as　the　waters

bring　him　nearer）　that　this　boy　is　I；　for　it　is　something　to　know

that；　once　upon　a　time；　a　woman　could　draw　blood　from　me　as　from

another。



I　saw　her　again；　years　afterward；　when　she　was　a　married　woman

playing　with　her　children。　　She　stamped　her　foot　at　a　naughty

one；　and　I　saw　the　gleam　of　her　teeth　as　she　gnashed　them　in　the

dear　pretty　way　I　can't　forget；　and　then　a　boy　and　girl；　fighting

for　her　shoulders；　brought　the　whole　group　joyously　to　the

ground。　She　picked　herself　up　in　the　old　leisurely　manner；　lazily

active；　and　looked　around　her　benignantly；　like　a　cow：　our　dear

wild　one　safely　tethered　at　last　with　a　rope　of　children。　　I

meant　to　make　her　my　devoirs；　but；　as　I　stepped　forward；　the　old

wound　broke　out　afresh；　and　I　had　to　turn　away。　　They　were　but　a

few　poor　drops；　which　fell　because　I　found　that　she　was　even　a

little　sweeter　than　I　had　thought。





X



Sporting　Reflections



I　have　now　told　you　（I　presume）　how　I　became　whimsical；　and　I

fear　it　would　please　Mary　not　at　all。　　But　speaking　of　her；　and；

as　the　cat's　light　keeps　me　in　a　ruminating　mood；　suppose；

instead　of　returning　Mary　to　her　lover　by　means　of　the　letter；　I

had　presented　a　certain　clubman　to　her　consideration？　　Certainly

no　such　whimsical　idea　crossed　my　mind　when　I　dropped　the　letter；

but　between　you　and　me　and　my　night…socks；　which　have　all　this

time　been　airing　by　the　fire　because　I　am　subject　to　cold　feet；　I

have　sometimes　toyed　with　it　since。



Why　did　I　not　think　of　this　in　time？　　Was　it　because　I　must　ever

remain　true　to　the　unattainable　she？



I　am　reminded　of　a　passage　in　the　life　of　a　sweet　lady；　a　friend

of　mine；　whose　daughter　was　on　the　eve　of　marriage；　when　suddenly

her　lover　died。　　It　then　became　pitiful　to　watch　that　trembling

old　face　trying　to　point　the　way　of　courage　to　the　young　one。　　In

time；　however；　there　came　another　youth；　as　true；　I　dare　say；　as

the　first；　but　not　so　well　known　to　me；　and　I　shrugged　my

shoulders　cynically　to　see　my　old　friend　once　more　a　matchmaker。

She　took　him　to　her　heart　and　boasted　of　him；　like　one　made　young

herself　by　the　great　event；　she　joyously　dressed　her　pale

daughter　in　her　bridal　gown；　and；　with　smiles　upon　her　face；　she

cast　rice　after　the　departing　carriage。　　But　soon　after　it　had

gone；　I　chanced　upon　her　in　her　room；　and　she　was　on　her　knees　in

tears　before　the　spirit　of　the　dead　lover。　　〃Forgive　me；〃　she

besought　him；　〃for　I　am　old；　and　life　is　gray　to　friendless

girls。〃　　The　pardon　she　wanted　was　for　pretending　to　her　daughter

that　women　should　act　thus。



I　am　sure　she　felt　herself　soiled。



But　men　are　of　a　coarser　clay。　　At　least　I　am；　and　nearly　twenty

years　had　elapsed；　and　here　was　I　burdened　under　a　load　of

affection；　like　a　sack　of　returned　love…letters；　with　no　lap　into

which　to　dump　them。



〃They　were　all　written　to　another　woman；　ma'am；　and　yet　I　am　in

hopes　that　you　will　find　something　in　them　about　yourself。〃　　It

would　have　sounded　oddly　to　Mary；　but　life　is　gray　to　friendless

girls；　and　something　might　have　come　of　it。



On　the　other　hand；　it　would　have　brought　her　for　ever　out　of　the

wood　of　the　little　hut；　and　I　had　but　to　drop　the　letter　to　send

them　both　back　there。　　The　easiness　of　it　tempted　me。



Besides；　she　would　tire　of　me　when　I　was　really　known　to　her。

They　all　do；　you　see。



And；　after　all；　why　should　he　lose　his　laugh　because　I　had　lost

my　smile？



And　then；　again；　the　whole　thing　was　merely　a　whimsical　idea。



I　dropped　the　letter；　and　shouldered　my　burden。





XI



The　Runaway　Perambulator



I　sometimes　met　David　in　public　places　such　as　the　Kensington

Gardens；　where　he　lorded　it　surrounded　by　his　suite　and　wearing

the　blank　face　and　glass　eyes　of　all　carriage…people。　　On　these

occasions　I　always　stalked　by；　meditating　on　higher　things；

though　Mary　seemed　to　think　me　very　hardhearted；　and　Irene；　who

had　become　his　nurse　（I　forget　how；　but　fear　I　had　something　to

do　with　it）；　ran　after　me　with　messages；　as；　would　I　not　call　and

see　him　in　his　home　at　twelve　o'clock；　at　which　moment；　it

seemed；　he　was　at　his　best。



No；　I　would　not。



〃He　says　tick…tack　to　the　clock；〃　Irene　said；　trying　to　snare　me。



〃Pooh！〃　said　I。



〃Other　little　'uns　jest　says　'tick…tick；'〃　she　told　me；　with　a

flush　of　pride。



〃I　prefer　'tick…tick；'〃　I　said；　whereat　she　departed　in　dudgeon。



Had　they　had　the　sense　to　wheel　him　behind　a　tree　and　leave　him；

I　would　have　looked；　but　as　they　lacked　it；　I　decided　to　wait

until　he　could　walk；　when　it　would　be　more　easy　to　waylay　him。

However；　he　was　a　cautious　little　gorbal　who；　after　many　threats

to　rise；　always　seemed　to　come　to　the　conclusion　that　he　might　do

worse　than　remain　where　he　was；　and　when　he　had　completed　his

first　year　I　lost　patience　with　him。



〃When　I　was　his　age；〃　I　said　to　Irene；　〃I　was　running　about。〃　　I

consulted　them　casually　about　this　matter　at　the　club；　and　they

had　all　been　running　about　at　a　year　old。



I　made　this　nurse　the　following　offer：　If　she　would　bring　the

dilatory　boy　to　my　rooms　and　leave　him　ther