hemingway, ernest - islands in the stream-第20节
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But he woke again when the moonlight came on his face and he started to think about Roger and the women he had been in trouble with。 He and Roger had both behaved stupidly and badly with women。 He did not want to think of his own stupidities so he would think of Rogerˇs。
I wonˇt pity him； he thought； so it is not disloyal。 I have been in enough trouble myself so that it is not disloyal to think about Rogerˇs trouble。 My own is different because I only really loved one woman and then lost her。 I know well enough why。 But I am through with thinking about that and it would probably be well not to think about Roger either。 But tonight； because of the moonlight which； as always； would not let him sleep； he thought about him and his serious and comic troubles。
He thought about the last girl Roger had been in love with in Paris when they had both lived there and how very handsome and how very false he thought she was when Roger had brought her to the studio。 For Roger there was nothing false about her。 She was another of his illusions and all his great talent for being faithful was at her service until they were both free to marry。 Then； in a month； everything that had always been clear about her to everyone who knew her well was suddenly clear to Roger。 It must have been a difficult day when it first happened but the process of seeing her clearly had been going on for some time when Roger had come up to the studio。 He had looked at the canvases for a while and spoken critically and very intelligently about them。 Then he said； ¨I told that Ayers I wouldnˇt marry her。〃
¨Good；〃 Thomas Hudson had said。 ¨Was it a surprise？〃
¨Not too much。 Thereˇd been some talk about it。 Sheˇs a phony。〃
¨No；〃 Thomas Hudson had said。 ¨How？〃
¨Right through。 Any way you slice her。〃
¨I thought you liked her。〃
¨No。 I tried to like her。 But I couldnˇt make it except at the start。 I was in love with her。〃
¨Whatˇs in love？〃
¨You ought to know。〃
¨Yes；〃 Thomas Hudson had said。 ¨I ought to know。〃
¨Didnˇt you like her？〃
¨No。 I couldnˇt stand her。〃
¨She was your girl。 And you didnˇt ask me。〃
¨I told her。 But now I have to make it stick。〃
¨You better pull out。〃
¨No；〃 he said。 ¨Let her pull out。〃
¨I only thought it might be simpler。〃
¨This is my town as much as it is hers。〃
¨I know；〃 Thomas Hudson had said。
¨You fought that one out； too； didnˇt you？〃 Roger had asked。
¨Yes。 You canˇt win on any of them。 But you can fight them out。 Why donˇt you just move your quartier？〃
¨Iˇm all right where I am；〃 Roger had said。
¨I remember the formula。 Je me trouve tr？s bien ici et je vous prie de me laisser tranquille。〃
¨It starts with je refuse de recevoir ma femme；〃 Roger had said。 ¨And you say it to a huissier。 But this isnˇt a divorce。 Itˇs just breaking up。〃
¨But isnˇt it going to be hard on you seeing her？〃
¨No。 Itˇs going to cure me。 That and hearing her talk。〃
¨What about her？〃
¨She can figure that out for herself。 Sheˇs figured plenty out in the last four years。〃
¨Five；〃 Thomas Hudson had said。
¨I donˇt think she was doing so much figuring the first year。〃
¨Youˇd better clear out；〃 Thomas Hudson had said。 ¨If you donˇt think she was figuring the first year youˇd better go a long way away。〃
¨She writes very powerful letters。 Going away would be worse。 No。 Iˇm going to stay here and go on the town。 Iˇm going to cure it for keeps。〃
After he and this girl split up in Paris； Roger was on the town； really on the town。 He joked about it and made fun of himself； but he was very angry inside for having made such a profound fool of himself and he took his talent for being faithful to people； which was the best one he had； next to the ones for painting and writing and his various good human and animal traits； and beat and belabored that talent miserably。 He was no good to anyone when he was on the town； especially to himself； and he knew it and hated it and he took pleasure in pulling down the pillars of the temple。 It was a very good and strongly built temple and when it is constructed inside yourself it is not so easy to pull down。 But he did as good a job as he could。
He had three girls in a row； no one of whom Thomas Hudson could be more than civil to and the only excuse for the last two might have been that they reminded him of the first one。 This first one came right after the one he had just broken up with and she was sort of a world low for Roger although she went on to have a very successful career both in and out of bed and got herself a good piece of one of the third or fourth biggest fortunes in America and then married into another。 She was named Thanis and Thomas Hudson remembered how Roger could never hear it without wincing and he wouldnˇt say it； no one ever heard him say the name。 He used to call her Bitchy the Great。 She was dark with a lovely skin and she looked like a very young； well…groomed； fastidiously vicious member of the Cenci family。 She had the morals of a vacuum cleaner and the soul of a pari…mutuel machine； a good figure； and that lovely vicious face； and she only stayed with Roger long enough to get ready for her first good step upwards in life。
She was the first girl that had ever left him and that impressed Roger so that he had two more that looked almost enough like her to be members of the same family。 He left both of them； though； really left them； and Thomas Hudson thought that made him feel better； though not a hell of a lot better。
There are probably politer ways and more endearing ways of leaving a girl than simply； with no unpleasantness and never having been in any row； excusing yourself to go to the menˇs room at 21 and never coming back。 But； as Roger said； he did settle the check downstairs and he loved to think of his last glimpse of her； sitting alone at the corner table in that d？cor that suited her so and that she loved so well。
He planned to leave the other one at the Stork； which was the place she really loved； but he was afraid Mr。 Billingsley might not like it and he needed to borrow some money from Mr。 Billingsley。
¨So where did you leave her？〃 Thomas Hudson had asked him。
¨At El Morocco。 So I could always remember her sitting there among those zebras。 She loved El Morocco too；〃 he said。 ¨But I think it was the Cub Room that was graven on her heart。〃
After that he got mixed up with one of the most deceptive women Thomas Hudson had ever known。 She was a complete change from his last three Cenci or Park Avenue Borgia types in looks。 She looked really healthy and had tawny hair and long； good legs； a very good figure； and an intelligent； lively face。 Though it was not beautiful it was much better…looking than most faces。 And she had beautiful eyes。 She was intelligent and very kindly and charming when you first knew her and she was a complete rummy。 She was not a lush and her alcoholism had not showed yet。 But she was just at it all of the time。 Usually you can tell someone who is really drinking by their eyes and it always showed in Rogerˇs immediately。 But this girl； Kathleen； had really beautiful tawny eyes that went with her hair and the little pleasant freckles of health and good nature around her nose and her cheeks； and you never saw anything in them of what was going on。 She looked like a girl who was sailing regularly or living some sort of very healthy outdoor life and she looked like a girl who was very happy。 Instead she was just a girl who was drinking。 She was on a very strange voyage to somewhere and for a while she took Roger with her。
But he came up to the studio Thomas Hudson had rented in New York one morning with the back of his left hand covered with cigarette burns。 It looked as though someone had been putting butts out by rubbing them against a tabletop； only the tabletop was the back of his hand。
¨Thatˇs what she wanted to do last night；〃 he said。 ¨Have you got any iodine？ I didnˇt like to take those things into a drugstore。〃
¨Whoˇs she？〃
¨Kathleen。 The fresh outdoor type。〃
¨You had to participate。〃
¨It seemed to amuse her and weˇre supposed to amuse them。〃
¨Youˇre burned pretty badly。〃
¨Not really。 But Iˇm going to get out of this town for a while。〃
¨Youˇll be taking yourself along wherever you go。〃
¨Yes。 But I wonˇt be taking a lot of other people I know with me。〃
¨Where are you going to go？〃
¨Out West for a while。〃
¨Geography isnˇt any cure for whatˇs the matter with you。〃
¨No。 But a healthy life and plenty of work wonˇt hurt。 Not drinking may not cure me。 But drinking sure as hell isnˇt helping any now。〃
¨Well； get the hell out then。 Do you want to go to the ranch？〃
¨Do you still own it？〃
¨Part of it。〃
¨Is it all right if I go out there？〃
¨Sure；〃 Thomas Hudson had told him。 ¨But itˇs rugged from now on until spring and spring isnˇt easy。〃
¨I want it to be rugged；〃 Roger had said。 ¨Iˇm going to start new again。〃
¨How many times is it now youˇve started new？〃
¨Too many；〃 Roger had said。 ¨And you donˇt have to rub it in。〃
So now he was going to start new a
