clocks(时钟)-第1节
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Clocks
Clocks
by Jerome K。 Jerome
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Clocks
There are two kinds of clocks。 There is the clock that is always
wrong； and that knows it is wrong； and glories in it； and there is the clock
that is always rightexcept when you rely upon it； and then it is more
wrong than you would think a clock _could_ be in a civilized country。
I remember a clock of this latter type； that we had in the house when I
was a boy； routing us all up at three o'clock one winter's morning。 We had
finished breakfast at ten minutes to four； and I got to school a little after
five； and sat down on the step outside and cried； because I thought the
world had come to an end； everything was so death…like！
The man who can live in the same house with one of these clocks； and
not endanger his chance of heaven about once a month by standing up and
telling it what he thinks of it； is either a dangerous rival to that old
established firm； Job； or else he does not know enough bad language to
make it worth his while to start saying anything at all。
The great dream of its life is to lure you on into trying to catch a train
by it。 For weeks and weeks it will keep the most perfect time。 If there
were any difference in time between that clock and the sun； you would be
convinced it was the sun； not the clock； that wanted seeing to。 You feel
that if that clock happened to get a quarter of a second fast； or the eighth
of an instant slow； it would break its heart and die。
It is in this spirit of child…like faith in its integrity that； one morning；
you gather your family around you in the passage； kiss your children； and
afterward wipe your jammy mouth； poke your finger in the baby's eye；
promise not to forget to order the coals； wave at last fond adieu with the
umbrella； and depart for the railway…station。
I never have been quite able to decide； myself； which is the more
irritating to run two miles at the top of your speed； and then to find； when
you reach the station； that you are three…quarters of an hour too early； or to
stroll along leisurely the whole way； and dawdle about outside the
booking…office； talking to some local idiot； and then to swagger carelessly
on to the platform； just in time to see the train go out！
As for the other class of clocksthe common or always…wrong clocks…
…they are harmless enough。 You wind them up at the proper intervals；
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Clocks
and once or twice a week you put them right and 〃regulate〃 them； as you
call it （and you might just as well try to 〃regulate〃 a London tom…cat）。
But you do all this； not from any selfish motives； but from a sense of duty
to the clock itself。 You want to feel that； whatever may happen； you have
done the right thing by it； and that no blame can attach to you。
So far as looking to it for any return is concerned； that you never
dream of doing； and consequently you are not disappointed。 You ask
what the time is； and the girl replies：
〃Well； the clock in the dining…room says a quarter past two。〃
But you are not deceived by this。 You know that； as a matter of fact；
it must be somewhere between nine and ten in the evening； and；
remembering that you noticed； as a curious circumstance； that the clock
was only forty minutes past four； hours ago； you mildly admire its energies
and resources； and wonder how it does it。
I myself possess a clock that for complicated unconventionality and
light…hearted independence； could； I should think； give points to anything
yet discovered in the chronometrical line。 As a mere time…piece； it leaves
much to be desired； but； considered as a self…acting conundrum； it is full of
interest and variety。
I heard of a man once who had a clock that he used to say was of no
good to any one except himself； because he was the only man who
understood it。 He said it was an excellent clock； and one that you could
thoroughly depend upon； but you wanted to know itto have studied its
system。 An outsider might be easily misled by it。
〃For instance；〃 he would say； 〃when it strikes fifteen； and the hands
point to twenty minutes past eleven； I know it is a quarter to eight。〃
His acquaintanceship with that clock must certainly have given him an
advantage over the cursory observer！
But the great charm about my clock is its reliable uncertainty。 It
works on no method whatever； it is a pure emotionalist。 One day it will
be quite frolicsome； and gain three hours in the course of the morning； and
think nothing of it； and the next day it will wish it were dead； and be
hardly able to drag itself along； and lose two hours out of every four； and
stop altogether in the afternoon； too miserable to do anything； and then；
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Clocks
getting cheerful once more toward evening； will start off again of its own
accord。
I do not care to talk much about this clock； because when I tell the
simple truth concerning it； people think I am exaggerating。
It is very discouraging to find； when you are straining every nerve to
tell the truth； that people do not believe you； and fancy that you are
exaggerating。 It makes you feel inclined to go and exaggerate on
purpose； just to show them the difference。 I know I often feel tempted to
do so myselfit is my early training that saves me。
We should always be very careful never to give way to exaggeration； it
is a habit that grows upon one。
And it is such a vulgar habit； too。 In the old times； when poets and
dry…goods salesmen were the only people who exaggerated； there was
something clever and _distingue_ about a reputation for 〃a tendency to
over； rather than to under…estimate the mere bald facts。〃 But everybody
exaggerates nowadays。 The art of exaggeration is no longer regarded as
an 〃extra〃 in the modern bill of education； it is an essential requirement；
held to be most needful for the battle of life。
The whole world exaggerates。 It exaggerates everything； from the
yearly number of bicycles sold to the yearly number of heathens
convertedinto the hope of salvation and more whiskey。 Exaggeration is
the basis of our trade； the fallow…field of our art and literature； the
groundwork of our social life； the foundation of our political existence。
As schoolboys； we exaggerate our fights and our marks and our fathers'
debts。 As men； we exaggerate our wares； we exaggerate our feelings； we
exaggerate our incomesexcept to the tax…collector； and to him we
exaggerate our 〃outgoings〃； we exaggerate our virtues； we even
exaggerate our vices； and； being in reality the mildest of men； pretend we
are dare…devil scamps。
We have sunk so low now that we try to _act_ our exaggerations； and
to live up to our lies。 We call it 〃keeping up appearances；〃 and no more
bitter phrase could； perhaps； have been invented to describe our childish
folly。
If we possess a hundred pounds a year； do we not call it two？ Our
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larder may be low and our grates be chill； but we are happy if the 〃world〃
（six acquaintances and a prying neighbor） gives us credit for one hundred
and fifty。 And； when we have five hundred； we talk of a thousand； and
the all…important and beloved 〃world〃 （sixteen friends now； and two of
them carriage…folks！） agree that we really must be spending seven hundred；
or at all events； running into debt up to that figure； but the butcher and
baker； who have gone into the matter with the ho
