thais-第32节

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occurred　to　him。　Twenty　years　had　he　contemplated　a　mummy's　head；　and
yet　the　idea　that　death　would　close　the　eyes　of　Thais　astonished　him
hopelessly。

〃Thais　is　dying！〃　An　incomprehensible　saying！　〃Thais　is　dying！〃　In
those　three　words　what　a　new　and　terrible　sense！　〃Thais　is　dying！〃
Then　why　the　sun；　the　flowers；　the　brooks；　and　all　creation？　〃Thais　is
dying！〃　What　good　was　all　the　universe？　Suddenly　he　sprang　forward。
〃To　see　her　again；　to　see　her　once　more！〃　He　began　to　run。　He　knew　not
where　he　was；　or　whither　he　went；　but　instinct　conducted　him　with
unerring　certainty；　he　went　straight　to　the　Nile。　A　swarm　of　sails
covered　the　upper　waters　of　the　river。　He　sprang　on　board　a　barque
manned　by　Nubians；　and　lying　in　the　forepart　of　the　boat；　his　eyes
devouring　space；　he　cried；　in　grief　and　rage

〃Fool；　fool；　that　I　was；　not　to　have　possessed　Thais　whilst　there　was
yet　time！　Fool　to　have　believed　that　there　was　anything　else　in　the
world　but　her！　Oh；　madness！　I　dreamed　of　God；　of　the　salvation　of　my
soul；　of　life　eternalas　if　all　that　counted　for　anything　when　I　had
seen　Thais！　Why　did　I　not　feel　that　blessed　eternity　was　in　a　single
kiss　of　that　woman；　and　that　without　her　life　was　senseless；　and　no
more　than　an　evil　dream？　Oh；　stupid　fool！　thou　hast　seen　her；　and　thou
hast　desired　the　good　things　of　the　other　world！　Oh；　coward！　thou　hast
seen　her；　and　thou　hast　feared　God！　God！　heaven！　what　are　they？　And
what　have　they　to　offer　thee　which　are　worth　the　least　tittle　of　that
which　she　would　have　given　thee？　Oh；　miserable；　senseless　fool；　who
sought　divine　goodness　elsewhere　than　on　the　lips　of　Thais！　What　hand
was　upon　thy　eyes？　Cursed　be　he　who　blinded　thee　then！　Thou　couldst
have　bought；　at　the　price　of　thy　damnation；　one　moment　of　her　love；
and　thou　hast　not　done　it！　She　opened　to　thee　her　armsflesh　mingled
with　the　perfume　of　flowersand　thou　wast　not　engulfed　in　the
unspeakable　enchantments　of　her　unveiled　breast。　Thou　hast　listened　to
the　jealous　voice　which　said　to　thee；　'Refrain！'　Dupe；　dupe；　miserable
dupe！　Oh；　regrets！　Oh；　remorse！　Oh；　despair！　Not　to　have　the　joy　to
carry　to　hell　the　memory　of　that　never…to…be…forgotten　hour；　and　to
cry　to　God；　'Burn　my　flesh；　dry　up　all　the　blood　in　my　veins；　break
all　my　bones；　thou　canst　not　take　from　me　the　remembrance　which
sweetens　and　refreshes　me　for　ever　and　ever！'　。　。　。　Thais　is　dying！
Preposterous　God；　if　thou　knewest　how　I　laugh　at　Thy　hell！　Thais　is
dying；　and　she　will　never　be　minenever！　never！〃

And　as　the　boat　came　down　the　river　with　the　current；　he　remained
whole　days　lying　on　his　face；　and　repeating

〃Never！　never！　never！〃

Then；　at　the　idea　that　she　had　given　herself　to　others；　and　not　to
him；　that　she　had　poured　forth　an　ocean　of　love；　and　he　had　not　wetted
his　lips　therein；　he　stood　up；　savagely　wild；　and　howled　with　grief。
He　tore　his　breast　with　his　nails；　and　bit　the　flesh　of　his　arms。　He
thought

〃If　I　could　but　kill　all　those　she　has　loved！〃

The　idea　of　these　murders　filled　him　with　delicious　fury。　He　dreamed
of　killing　Nicias　slowly　and　leisurely；　looking　him　full　in　the　eyes
whilst　he　murdered　him。　Then　suddenly　his　fury　melted　away。　He　wept；
he　sobbed。　He　became　feeble　and　meek。　An　unknown　tenderness　softened
his　soul。　He　longed　to　throw　his　arms　round　the　neck　of　the　companion
of　his　childhood　and　say　to　him；　〃Nicias；　I　love　thee；　because　thou
hast　loved　her。　Talk　to　me　about　her。　Tell　me　what　she　said　to　thee。〃
And　still；　without　ceasing；　the　iron　of　that　phrase　entered　into　his
soul〃Thais　is　dying！〃

〃Light　of　day；　silvery　shadows　of　night　stars；　heavens；　trees　with
trembling　crests；　savage　beasts；　domestic　animals；　all　the　anxious
souls　of　men；　do　you　not　hear？　'Thais　is　dying！'　Disappear；　ye　lights；
breezes；　and　perfumes！　Hide　yourselves；　ye　shapes　and　thoughts　of　the
universe！　'Thais　is　dying！'　She　was　the　beauty　of　the　world；　and　all
that　drew　near　to　her　grew　fairer　in　the　reflection　of　her　grace。　The
old　man　and　the　sages　who　sat　near　her；　at　the　banquet　at　Alexandria；
how　pleasant　they　were；　and　how　fascinating　was　their　conversation！　A
host　of　brilliant　thoughts　sprang　to　their　lips；　and　all　their　ideas
were　steeped　in　pleasure。　And　it　was　because　the　breath　of　Thais　was
on　them　that　all　they　said　was　love；　beauty；　truth。　A　delightful
impiety　lent　its　grace　to　their　discourse。　They　thoroughly　expressed
all　human　splendour。　Alas！　all　that　is　but　a　dream。　Thais　is　dying！
Oh；　how　easy　it　will　be　to　me　to　die　of　her　death！　But　canst　thou　only
die；　withered　embryo；　fetus　steeped　in　gall　and　scalding　tears？
Miserable　abortion；　dost　thou　think　thou　canst　taste　death；　thou　who
hast　never　known　life？　If　only　God　exists；　that　he　may　damn　me。　I　hope
for　itI　wish　it。　God；　I　hate　Theedost　Thou　hear？　Overwhelm　me　with
Thy　damnation。　To　compel　Thee　to；　I　spit　in　Thy　face。　I　must　find　an
eternal　hell；　to　exhaust　the　eternity　of　rage　which　consumes　me。〃

*****

The　next　day；　at　dawn；　Albina　received　the　Abbot　of　Antinoe　at　the
nunnery。

〃Thou　art　welcome　to　our　tabernacles　of　peace；　venerable　father；　for
no　doubt；　thou　comest　to　bless　the　saint　thou　hast　given　us。　Thou
knowest　that　God；　in　his　mercy；　has　called　her　to　Him；　how　couldst
thou　fail　to　know　tidings　that　the　angels　have　carried　from　desert　to
desert？　It　is　true　that　Thais　is　about　to　meet　her　blessed　death。　Her
labours　are　accomplished；　and　I　ought　to　inform　thee；　in　a　few　words；
as　to　her　conduct　whilst　she　was　still　amongst　us。　After　thy
departure；　when　she　was　confined　in　a　cell　sealed　with　thy　seal；　I
sent　her；　with　her　food；　a　flute；　similar　to　those　which　girls　of　her
profession　play　at　banquets。　I　did　that　to　prevent　her　from　falling
into　a　melancholy　mood；　and　that　she　should　not　show　less　skill　and
talent　before　God　than　she　had　shown　before　men。　In　this　I　showed
prudence　and　foresight；　for　all　day　long　Thais　praised　the　Lord　upon
the　flute；　and　the　virgins；　who　were　attracted　by　the　sound　of　this
invisible　flute；　said；　'We　hear　the　nightingale　of　the　heavenly
groves；　the　dying　swan　of　Jesus　crucified。'　Thus　did　Thais　perform　her
penance；　when；　after　sixty　days；　the　door　which　thou　hadst　sealed
opened　of　itself；　and　the　clay　seal　was　broken　without　being　touched
by　any　human　hand。　By　that　sign　I　knew　that　the　trial　thou　hadst
imposed　upon　her　was　at　an　end；　and　that　God　had　pardoned　the　sins　of
the　flute…player。　From　that　time　she　has　shared　the　ordinary　life　of
my　nuns；　working　and　praying　with　them。　She　was　an　example　to　them　by
the　modesty　of　her　acts　and　words；　and　seemed　like　a　statue　of　purity
amongst　them。　Sometimes　she　was　sad；　but　those　clouds　soon　passed。
When　I　saw　that　she　was　really　drawn　towards　God　by　faith；　hope；　and
love；　I　did　not　hesitate　to　employ　her　talent；　and　even　her　beauty；
for　the　improvement　of　her　sisters。　I　asked　her　to　represent　before　us
the　actions　of　the　famous　women　and　wise　virgins　of　the　Scriptures。
She　acted　Esther；　Deborah；　Judith；　Mary；　the　sister　of　Lazarus；　and
Mary；　the　mother　of　Jesus。　I　know；　venerable　father；　that　thy　austere
mind　is　alarmed　at　the　idea　of　these　performances。　But　thou　thyself
wouldest　have　been　touched　if　thou　hadst　seen　her　in　these　pious
scenes；　shedding　real　tears；　and　raising　to　heaven　arms　graceful　as
palm　leaves。　I　have　long　governed　a　community　of　women；　and　I　make　it
a　rule　never　to　oppose　their　nature。　All　seeds　give　not　the　same
flowers。　Not　all　souls　are　sanctified　in　the　same　way。　It　must　also
not　be　forgotten　that　Thais　gave　herself　to　God　whilst　she　was　still
beautiful；　and　such　a　sacrifice　is；　if　not　unexampled；　at　least　very
rare。　This　beautyher　natural　vesturehas　not　left　her　during　the
three　months'　fever　of　which　she　is　dying。　As；　during　her　illness；　she
has　incessantly　asked　to　see　the　sky；　I　have　her　carried　every　morning
into　the　courtyard；　near　the　well；　under　the　old　fig　tree；　in　the
shade　of　which　the　abbesses　of　this　convent　are　accustomed　to　hold
their　meetings。　Thou　wilt　find　her　there；　venerable　father；　but
hasten；　for　God　calls　her；　and　this　night　a　shroud　will　cover　that
face　which　God　made　both　to　shame　and　to　edify　this　world。〃

Paphnutius　followed　her　into　a　courtyard　flooded　with　the　morning
light。　On　the　edge　of　the　brick　roofs；　the　pigeons　formed　a　string　of
pearls。　On　a　bed；　in　the　shade　of　the　fig　tree；　Thais　lay　quite　white；
her　arms　crossed。　By　her　side　stood　veiled　women；　reciting　the　prayers
for　the　dying。

/〃Have　mercy；　upon　me；　O　God；　according　to　Thy　loving　kindness：
according　unto　the　multitude　of　Thy　tender　mercies　blot　out　my
transgressions。〃/

He　called　her

〃Thais！〃

She　raised　her　eyelids；　and　turned　the　whites　of　her　eyes　in　the
direction　of　the　voice。

Albina　made　a　sign　to　the　veiled　women　to　retire　a　few　paces。

〃Thais！〃　repeated　the　monk。

She　raised　her　head；　a　light　breath　came　from　her　pale　lips。

〃Is　it　thou；　my　father？　。　。　。　Dost　thou　remember　the　water　of　the
spring；　and　the　dates　that　we　picked？　。　。　。　That　day；　my　father；　love
was　born　in　my　heartthe　love　of　life　eternal。〃

She　was　silent；　and　her　head　fell　back。

Death　was　upon　her；　and　the　sweat　of　the　last　agony　bedewed　her
forehead。　A　pigeon　broke　the　still