the autobiography of a quack-第6节

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In　some　cases　I　am　told　the　percentage　is　supposed　to　be　a　donation　on　the　part　of　the　　apothecary；　but　I　rather　fancy　the　patient　pays　for　it　in　the　end。　It　is　one　of　the　absurd　vagaries　of　the　profession　to　discountenance　the　practice　I　have　described；　but　I　wish；　for　my　part；　I　had　never　done　anything　more　foolish　or　more　dangerous。　Of　course　it　inclines　a　doctor　to　change　his　medicines　a　good　deal；　and　to　order　them　in　large　quantities；　which　is　occasionally　annoying　to　the　poor；　yet；　as　I　have　always　observed；　there　is　no　poverty　as　painful　as　your　own；　so　that　I　prefer　to　distribute　pecuniary　suffering　among　many　rather　than　to　concentrate　it　on　myself。　That's　a　rather　neat　phrase。

About　six　months　after　the　date　of　this　annoying　adventure；　an　incident　occurred　which　altered　somewhat；　and　for　a　time　improved；　my　professional　position。　During　my　morning　office…hour　an　old　woman　came　in；　and　putting　down　a　large　basket；　wiped　her　face　with　a　yellow…cotton　handkerchief；　and　afterwards　with　the　corner　of　her　apron。　Then　she　looked　around　uneasily；　got　up；　settled　her　basket　on　her　arm　with　a　jerk　which　may　have　decided　the　future　of　an　egg　or　two；　and　remarked　briskly：　‘‘Don't　see　no　little　bottles　about；　got　the　wrong　stall；　I　guess。　You　ain't　no　homeopath　doctor；　are　you？''

With　great　presence　of　mind；　I　replied：　‘‘Well；　ma'am；　that　depends　upon　what　you　want。　Some　of　my　patients　like　one；　and　some　like　the　other。''　I　was　about　to　add；　‘‘You　pay　your　money　and　you　take　your　choice；''　but　thought　better　of　it；　and　held　my　peace；　refraining　from　classical　quotation。

‘‘Being　as　that's　the　case；''　said　the　old　lady；　‘‘I'll　just　tell　you　my　symptoms。　You　said　you　give　either　kind　of　medicine；　didn't　you？''

‘‘Just　so；''　replied　I。

‘‘Clams　or　oysters；　whichever　opens　most　lively；　as　my　old　Joe　saystends　the　oyster…　stand　at　stall　No。　9。　Happen　to　know　Joe？''

No；　I　did　not　know　Joe；　but　what　were　the　symptoms？

They　proved　to　be　numerous；　and　included　a　stunning　in　the　head　and　a　misery　in　the　side；　with　bokin　after　victuals。

I　proceeded；　of　course；　to　apply　a　stethoscope　over　her　ample　bosom；　though　what　I　heard　on　this　and　similar　occasions　I　should　find　it　rather　difficult　to　state。　I　remember　well　my　astonishment　in　one　instance　where；　having　unconsciously　applied　my　instrument　over　a　clamorous　silver　watch　in　the　watch…　fob　of　a　sea…captain；　I　concluded　for　a　moment　that　he　was　suffering　from　a　rather

remarkable　displacement　of　the　heart。　As　to　my　old　lady；　whose　name　was　Checkers；　and　who　kept　an　apple…stand　near　by；　I　told　her　that　I　was　out　of　pills　just　then；　but　would　have　plenty　next　day。　Accordingly；　I　proceeded　to　invest　a　small　amount　at　a　place　called　a　homeopathic　pharmacy；　which　I　remember　amused　me　immensely。

A　stout　little　German；　with　great　silver　spectacles；　sat　behind　a　counter　containing　numerous　jars　of　white　powders　labeled　concisely　‘‘Lac。；''　‘‘Led。；''　‘‘Onis。；''　‘‘Op。；''　‘‘Puls。；''　etc。；　while　behind　him　were　shelves　filled　with　bottles　of　what　looked　like　minute　white　shot。

‘‘I　want　some　homeopathic　medicine；''　said　I。

‘‘Vat　kindt？''　said　my　friend。　‘‘Vat　you　vants　to　cure！''

I　explained　at　random　that　I　wished　to　treat　diseases　in　general。

‘‘Vell；　ve　gifs　you　a　case；　mit　a　pook；''　and　thereon　produced　a　large　box　containing　bottles　of　small　pills　and　powders；　labeled　variously　with　the　names　of　the　diseases；　so　that　all　you　required　was　to　use　the　headache　or　colic　bottle　in　order　to　meet　the　needs　of　those　particular　maladies。

I　was　struck　at　first　with　the　exquisite　simplicity　of　this　arrangement；　but　before　purchasing；　I　happened　luckily　to　turn　over　the　leaves　of　a　book；　in　two　volumes；　which　lay　on　the　counter；　it　was　called　‘‘Jahr's　Manual。''　Opening　at　page　310；　vol。　i；　I　lit　upon　‘‘Lachesis；''　which　proved　to　my　amazement　to　be　snake…venom。　This　Mr。　Jahr　stated　to　be　indicated　for　use　in　upward　of　a　hundred　symptoms。　At　once　it　occurred　to　me　that　‘‘Lach。''　was　the　medicine　for　my　money；　and　that　it　was　quite　needless　to　waste　cash　on　the　box。　I　therefore　bought　a　small　jar　of　‘‘Lach。''　and　a　lot　of　little　pills；　and　started　for　home。

My　old　woman　proved　a　fast　friend；　and　as　she　sent　me　numerous　patients；　I　by　and　by　altered　my　sign　to　‘‘Homeopathic　Physician　and　Surgeon；''　whatever　that　may　mean；　and　was　regarded　by　my　medical　brothers　as　a　lost　sheep；　and　by　the　little…pill　doctors　as　one　who　had　seen　the　error　of　his　ways。

In　point　of　fact；　my　new　practice　had　decided　advantages。　All　pills　looked　and　tasted　alike；　and　the　same　might　be　said　of　the　powders；　so　that　I　was　never　troubled　by　those　absurd　investigations　into　the　nature　of　remedies　which　some　patients　are　prone　to　　make。　Of　course　I　desired　to　get　business；　and　it　was　therefore　obviously　unwise　to　give　little　pills　of　‘‘Lac。；''　or　‘‘Puls。；''　or　‘‘Sep。；''　when　a　man　needed　a　dose　of　oil；　or　a　white…　faced　girl　iron；　or　the　like。　I　soon　made　the　useful　discovery　that　it　was　only　necessary　to　prescribe　cod…liver　oil；　for　instance；　as　a　diet；　in　order　to　make　use　of　it　where　required。　When　a　man　got　impatient　over　an　ancient　ague；　I　usually　found；　too；　that　I　could　persuade　him　to　let　me　try　a　good　dose　of　quinine；　while；　on　the　other　hand；　there　was　a　distinct　pecuniary　advantage　in　those　cases　of　the　shakes　which　could　be　made　to　believe　that　it　‘‘was　best　not　to　interfere　with　nature。''　I　ought　to　add　that　this　kind　of　faith　is　uncommon　among　folks　who　carry　hods　or　build　walls。

For　women　who　are　hysterical；　and　go　heart　and　soul　into　the　business　of　being　sick；　I　have　found　the　little　pills　a　most　charming　resort；　because　you　cannot　carry　the　refinement　of　symptoms　beyond　what　my　friend　Jahr　has　done　in　the　way　of　fitting　medicines　to　them；　so　that　if　I　had　taken　seriously　to　practising　this　double　form　of　therapeutics；　it　had；　as　I　saw；　certain　conveniences。

Another　year　went　by；　and　I　was　beginning　to　prosper　in　my　new　mode　of　life。　My　medicines　（being　chiefly　milk…sugar；　with　variations　as　to　the　labels）　cost　next　to　nothing；　and　as　I　charged　pretty　well　for　both　these　and　my　advice；　I　was　now　able　to　start　a　gig。

I　solemnly　believe　that　I　should　have　continued　to　succeed　in　the　practice　of　my　profession　if　it　had　not　happened　that　fate　was　once　more　unkind　to　me；　by　throwing　in　my　path　one　of　my　old　acquaintances。　I　had　a　consultation　one　day　with　the　famous　homeopath　Dr。　Zwanzig。　As　we　walked　away　we　were　busily　discussing　the　case　of　a　poor　consumptive　fellow　who　previously　had　lost　a　leg。　In　consequence　of　this　defect；　Dr。　Zwanzig　considered　that　the　ten…thousandth　of　a　grain　of　aurum　would　be　an　overdose；　and　that　it　must　be　fractioned　so　as　to　allow　for　the　departed　leg；　otherwise　the　rest　of　the　man　would　be　getting　a　leg…dose　too　much。　I　was　particularly　struck　with　this　view　of　the　case；　but　I　was　still　more；　and　less　pleasingly；　impressed　at　the　sight　of　my　former　patient　Stagers；　who　nodded　to　me　familiarly　from　the　opposite　pavement。

I　was　not　at　all　surprised　when；　that　evening　quite　late；　I　found　this　worthy　waiting　in　　my　office。　I　looked　around　uneasily；　which　was　clearly　understood　by　my　friend；　who　retorted：　‘‘Ain't　took　nothin'　of　yours；　doc。　You　don't　seem　right　awful　glad　to　see　me。　You　needn't　be　afraidI've　only　fetched　you　a　job；　and　a　right　good　one；　too。''

I　replied　that　I　had　my　regular　business；　that　I　preferred　he　should　get　some　one　else；　and　pretty　generally　made　Mr。　Stagers　aware　that　I　had　had　enough　of　him。　I　did　not　ask　him　to　sit　down；　and；　just　as　I　supposed　him　about　to　leave；　he　seated　himself　with　a　grin；　remarking；　‘‘No　use；　doc；　got　to　go　into　it　this　one　time。''

At　this　I；　naturally　enough；　grew　angry　and　used　several　rather　violent　phrases。

‘‘No　use；　doc；''　said　Stagers。

Then　I　softened　down；　and　laughed　a　little；　and　treated　the　thing　as　a　joke；　whatever　it　was；　for　I　dreaded　to　hear。

But　Stagers　was　fate。　Stagers　was　inevitable。　‘‘Won't　do；　docnot　even　money　wouldn't　get　you　off。''

‘‘No？''　said　I；　interrogatively；　and　as　coolly　as　I　could；　contriving　at　the　same　time　to　move　toward　the　window。　It　was　summer；　the　sashes　were　up；　the　shutters　half　drawn　in；　and　a　policeman　whom　I　knew　was　lounging　　opposite；　as　I　had　noticed　when　I　entered。　I　would　give　Stagers　a　scare；　charge　him　with　theftanything　but　get　mixed　up　with　his　kind　again。　It　was　the　folly　of　a　moment　and　I　should　have　paid　dear　for　it。

He　must　have　understood　me；　the　scoundrel；　for　in　an　instant　I　felt　a　cold　ring　of　steel　against　my　ear；　and　a　tiger　clutch　on　my　cravat。　‘‘Sit　down；''　he　said。　‘‘What　a　fool　you　are！　Guess　you　forgot　that　there　coroner's　business　and　the　rest。''　Needless　to　say　that　I　obeyed。　‘‘Best　not　try　that　again；''　continued　my　guest。　‘‘Wait　a　moment''；　and　rising；　he　closed　the　window。

There　was　no　resource　left　but　to　listen；　and　what　followed　I　shall　condense　rather　than　relate　it　in　the　language　employed　by　Mr。　Stagers。

It　appeared　that　my　other　acquaintance　Mr。　File　had　been　guilty　of　a　cold…blooded　and　long…premeditated　murder；　for　which　he　had　been　tried　and　convicted。　He　now　lay　in　jail　awaiting　his　execution；　which　was　to　take　place　at　Carsonville；　Ohio。　It　seemed　that　with　Stagers　and　others　he　had　formed　a　ban