the autobiography of a quack-第12节
按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
infallible receipt；''etc。 I did not find； however； that these little enterprises prospered well in New England； and I had recalled very forcibly a story which my father was fond of relating to me in my boyhood。 It was about how certain very knowing flies went to get molasses； and how it ended by the molasses getting them。 This； indeed； was precisely what happened to me in all my efforts to better myself in the Northern States； until at length my misfortunes climaxed in total and unexpected ruin。
Having been very economical； I had now about twenty…seven hundred dollars。 It was none too much。 At this time I made the acquaintance of a sea…captain from Maine。 He told me that he and two others had chartered a smart little steamer to run to Jamaica with a variety cargo。 In fact； he meant to run into Wilmington or Charleston； and he was to carry quinine； chloroform； and other medical requirements for the Confederates。 He needed twenty…five hundred dollars more； and a doctor to buy the kind of things which army surgeons require。 Of course I was prudent and he careful； but at last； on his proving to me that there was no risk； I agreed to expend his money； his friends'； and my own up to twenty…five hundred dollars。 I saw the other men； one of them a rebel captain。 I was well pleased with the venture； and resolved for obvious reasons to go with them on the steamer。 It was a promising investment； and I am free to reflect that in this； as in some other things； I have been free from vulgar prejudices。 I bought all that we needed； and was well satisfied when it was cleverly stowed away in the hold。
We were to sail on a certain Thursday morning in September； 1863。 I sent my trunk to the vessel； and went down the evening before we were to start to go on board； but found that the little steamer had been hauled out from the pier。 The captain； who met me at this time； endeavored to get a boat to ferry us to the ship； but a gale was blowing； and he advised me to wait until morning。 My associates were already on board。 Early next day I dressed and went to the captain's room； which proved to be empty。 I was instantly filled with doubt； and ran frantically to the Long Wharf； where； to my horror； I could see no signs of the vessel or captain。 Neither have I ever set eyes on them from that time to this。 I thought of lodging information with the police as to the unpatriotic design of the rascal who swindled me； but on the whole concluded that it was best to hold my tongue。
It was； as I perceived； such utterly spilt milk as to be little worth lamenting； and I therefore set to work； with my accustomed energy； to utilize on my own behalf the resources of my medical education； which so often before had saved me from want。 The war； then raging at its height； appeared to offer numerous opportunities to men of talent。 The path which I chose was apparently a humble one； but it enabled me to make very practical use of my professional knowledge； and afforded for a time rapid and secure returns； without any other investment than a little knowledge cautiously employed。 In the first place； I deposited my small remnant of property in a safe bank。 Then I went to Providence； where； as I had heard； patriotic persons were giving very large bounties in order； I suppose； to insure the government the services of better men than themselves。 On my arrival I lost no time in offering myself as a substitute； and was readily accepted； and very soon mustered into the Twentieth Rhode Island。 Three months were passed in camp； during which period I received bounty to the extent of six hundred and fifty dollars； with which I tranquilly deserted about two hours before the regiment left for the field。 With the product of my industry I returned to Boston； and deposited all but enough to carry me to New York； where within a month I enlisted twice； earning on each occasion four hundred dollars。
After this I thought it wise to try the same game in some of the smaller towns near to Philadelphia。 I approached my birthplace with a good deal of doubt； but I selected a regiment in camp at Norristown； which is eighteen miles away。 Here I got nearly seven hundred dollars by entering the service as a substitute for an editor； whose pen； I presume； was mightier than his sword。 I was； however； disagreeably surprised by being hastily forwarded to the front under a foxy young lieutenant； who brutally shot down a poor devil in the streets of Baltimore for attempting to desert。 At this point I began to make use of my medical skill； for I did not in the least degree fancy being shot； either because of deserting or of not deserting。 It happened； therefore； that a day or two later； while in Washington； I was seized in the street with a fit； which perfectly imposed upon the officer in charge； and caused him to leave me at the Douglas Hospital。 Here I found it necessary to perform fits about twice a week； and as there were several real epileptics in the ward； I had a capital chance of studying their symptoms； which； finally； I learned to imitate with the utmost cleverness。
I soon got to know three or four men who； like myself； were personally averse to bullets； and who were simulating other forms of disease with more or less success。 One of them suffered with rheumatism of the back； and walked about like an old man； another； who had been to the front； was palsied in the right arm。 A third kept open an ulcer on the leg； rubbing in a little antimonial ointment； which I bought at fifty cents； and sold him at five dollars a box。
A change in the hospital staff brought all of us to grief。 The new surgeon was a quiet； gentlemanly person； with pleasant blue eyes and clearly cut features； and a way of looking at you without saying much。 I felt so safe myself that I watched his procedures with just that kind of enjoyment which one clever man takes in seeing another at work。
The first inspection settled two of us。
‘‘Another back case；'' said the assistant surgeon to his senior。
‘‘Back hurt you？'' says the latter； mildly。
‘‘Yes； sir； run over by a howitzer； ain't never been able to stand straight since。''
‘‘A howitzer！'' says the surgeon。 ‘‘Lean forward； my man； so as to touch the floor so。 That will do。'' Then turning to his aid； he said； ‘‘Prepare this man's discharge papers。''
‘‘His discharge； sir？''
‘‘Yes； I said that。 Who's next？''
‘‘Thank you； sir；'' groaned the man with the back。 ‘‘How soon； sir； do you think it will be？''
‘‘Ah； not less than a month；'' replied the surgeon； and passed on。
Now； as it was unpleasant to be bent like the letter C； and as the patient presumed that his discharge was secure； he naturally allowed himself a little relaxation in the way of becoming straighter。 Unluckily； those nice blue eyes were everywhere at all hours； and one fine morning Smithson was appalled at finding himself in a detachment bound for the field； and bearing on his descriptive list an ill…natured indorsement about his malady。
The surgeon came next on O'Callahan； standing； like each of us； at the foot of his own bed。
‘‘I've paralytics in my arm；'' he said； with intention to explain his failure to salute his superior。
‘‘Humph！'' said the surgeon； ‘‘you have another hand。''
‘‘An' it's not the rigulation to saloot with yer left；'' said the Irishman； with a grin； while the patients around us began to smile。
‘‘How did it happen？'' said the surgeon。
‘‘I was shot in the shoulder；'' answered the patient； ‘‘about three months ago； sir。 I haven't stirred it since。''
The surgeon looked at the scar。
‘‘So recently？'' said he。 ‘‘The scar looks older； and； by the way； doctor；''to his junior；‘‘it could not have gone near the nerves。 Bring the battery； orderly。''
In a few moments the surgeon was testing one after another； the various muscles。 At last he stopped。 ‘‘Send this man away with the next detachment。 Not a word； my man。 You are a rascal； and a disgrace to honest men who have been among bullets。''
The man muttered something； I did not hear what。
‘‘Put this man in the guard…house；'' cried the surgeon； and so passed on without smile or frown。
As to the ulcer case； to my amusement he was put in bed； and his leg locked up in a wooden splint； which effectually prevented him from touching the part diseased。 It healed in ten days； and he too went as food for powder。
The surgeon asked me a few questions； and requesting to be sent for during my next fit； left me alone。
I was； of course； on my guard； and took care to have my attacks only during his absence； or to have them over before he arrived。 At length； one morning； in spite of my care； he chanced to enter the ward as I fell on the floor。 I was laid on the bed； apparently in strong convulsions。 Presently I felt a finger on my eyelid； and as it was raised； saw the surgeon standing beside me。 To escape his scrutiny I became more violent in my motions。 He stopped a moment and looked at me steadily。 ‘‘Poor fellow！'' said he； to my great relief； as I felt at once that I had successfully deceived him。 Then he turned to the ward doctor and remarked： ‘‘Take care he does not hurt his head against the bed； and； by the by； doctor； do you remember the test we applied in Carstairs's case？ Just tickle the soles of h
