the autobiography of a quack-第11节

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ter　me。　I　suspected　from　Pen's　terror　that　it　had　been　recently。

It　was　Sunday　and；　as　I　reminded　myself；　the　day　before　Christmas。　The　ground　was　covered　with　snow；　and　as　I　walked　up　Market　street　my　feet　were　soon　soaked。　In　my　haste　I　had　left　my　overshoes。　I　was　very　cold；　and；　as　I　now　see；　foolishly　fearful。　I　kept　thinking　of　what　a　conspicuous　thing　a　fire…red　head　is；　and　of　how　many　people　knew　me。　As　I　reached　Woodbury　early　and　without　a　cent；　I　had　eaten　nothing　all　day。　I　relied　on　Pen。

Now　I　concluded　to　go　down　into　my　old　neighborhood　and　get　a　lodging　where　no　references　were　asked。　Next　day　I　would　　secure　a　disguise　and　get　out　of　the　way。　I　had　passed　the　day　without　food；　as　I　have　just　said；　and　having　ample　means；　concluded　to　go　somewhere　and　get　a　good　dinner。　It　was　now　close　to　three　in　the　afternoon。　I　was　aware　of　two　things：　that　I　was　making　many　plans；　and　giving　them　up　as　soon　as　made；　and　that　I　was　suddenly　afraid　without　cause；　afraid　to　enter　an　eating…house；　and　in　fear　of　every　man　I　met。

I　went　on；　feeling　more　and　more　chilly。　When　a　man　is　really　cold　his　mind　does　not　work　well；　and　now　it　was　blowing　a　keen　gale　from　the　north。　At　Second　and　South　I　came　plump　on　a　policeman　I　knew。　He　looked　at　me　through　the　drifting　snow；　as　if　he　was　uncertain；　and　twice　looked　back　after　having　passed　me。　I　turned　west　at　Christian　street。　When　I　looked　behind　me　the　man　was　standing　at　the　corner；　staring　after　me。　At　the　next　turn　I　hurried　away　northward　in　a　sort　of　anguish　of　terror。　I　have　said　I　was　an　uncommon　person。　I　am。　I　am　sensitive；　too。　My　mind　is　much　above　the　average；　but　unless　I　am　warm　and　well　fed　it　does　not　act　well；　and　I　make　mistakes。　At　that　time　I　was　half　frozen；　in　need　of　food；　and　absurdly　scared。　Then　that　old　fool　　squirming　on　the　floor　got　on　to　my　nerves。　I　went　on　and　on；　and　at　last　into　Second　street；　until　I　came　to　Christ　Church；　of　all　places　for　me。　I　heard　the　sound　of　the　organ　in　the　afternoon　service。　I　felt　I　must　go　in　and　get　warm。　Here　was　another　silly　notion：　I　was　afraid　of　hotels；　but　not　of　the　church。　I　reasoned　vaguely　that　it　was　a　dark　day；　and　darker　in　the　church；　and　so　I　went　in　at　the　Church　Alley　entrance　and　sat　near　the　north　door。　No　one　noticed　me。　I　sat　still　in　a　high…backed　pew；　well　hid；　and　wondering　what　was　the　matter　with　me。　It　was　curious　that　a　doctor；　and　a　man　of　my　intelligence；　should　have　been　long　in　guessing　a　thing　so　simple。

For　two　months　I　had　been　drinking　hard；　and　for　two　days　had　quit；　being　a　man　capable　of　great　self…control；　and　also　being　short　of　money。　Just　before　the　benediction　I　saw　a　man　near　by　who　seemed　to　stare　at　me。　In　deadly　fear　I　got　up　and　quickly　slipped　through　a　door　into　the　tower　room。　I　said　to　myself；　‘‘He　will　follow　me　or　wait　outside。''　I　stood　a　moment　with　my　head　all　of　a　whirl；　and　then　in　a　shiver　of　fear　ran　up　the　stairs　to　the　tower　until　I　got　into　the　bell…ringer's　room。　I　was　safe。　I　　sat　down　on　a　stool；　twitching　and　tremulous。　There　were　the　old　books　on　bell…ringing；　and　the　miniature　chime　of　small　bells　for　instruction。　The　wind　had　easy　entrance；　and　it　swung　the　eight　ropes　about　in　a　way　I　did　not　like。　I　remember　saying；　‘‘Oh；　don't　do　that。''　At　last　I　had　a　mad　desire　to　ring　one　of　the　bells。　As　a　loop　of　rope　swung　toward　me　it　seemed　to　hold　a　face；　and　this　face　cried　out；　‘‘Come　and　hang　yourself；　then　the　bell　will　ring。''

If　I　slept　I　do　not　know。　I　may　have　done　so。　Certainly　I　must　have　stayed　there　many　hours。　I　was　dull　and　confused；　and　yet　on　my　guard；　for　when　far　into　the　night　I　heard　noises　below；　I　ran　up　the　steeper　steps　which　ascend　to　the　steeple；　where　are　the　bells。　Half…way　up　I　sat　down　on　the　stair。　The　place　was　cold　and　the　darkness　deep。　Then　I　heard　the　eight　ringers　down　below。　One　said：　‘‘Never　knowed　a　Christmas　like　this　since　Zeb　Sanderaft　died。　Come；　boys！''　I　knew　it　must　be　close　on　to　mid…　night。　Now　they　would　play　a　Christmas　carol。　I　used　every　Christmas　to　be　roused　up　and　carried　here　and　set　on　dad's　shoulder。　When　they　were　done　ringing；　Number　Two　always　gave　me　a　box　of　sugar…plums　and　a　large　red　apple。　As　they　rang　off；　my　father　would　cry　out；　‘‘One；　two；''　and　so　on；　and　then　cry；　‘‘Elias；　all　over　town　people　are　opening　windows　to　listen。''　I　seemed　to　hear　him　as　I　sat　in　the　gloom。　Then　I　heard；　‘‘All　ready；　one；　two；''　and　they　rang　the　Christmas　carol。　Overhead　I　heard　the　great　bells　ringing　out：

　　　　　And　all　the　bells　on　earth　shall　ring　　　　　　　　　　　On　Christmas　day；　on　Christmas　day。


I　felt　suddenly　excited；　and　began　to　hum　the　air。　Great　heavens！　There　was　the　old　woman；　Aunt　Rachel；　with　her　face　going　twitch；　twitch；　the　croak　of　her　breathing　keeping　a　sort　of　mad　time　with　‘‘On　Christmas　day；　on　Christmas　day。''　I　jumped　up。　She　was　gone。　I　knew　in　a　hazy　sort　of　way　what　was　the　matter　with　me；　but　I　had　still　the　sense　to　sit　down　and　wait。　I　said　now　it　would　be　snakes；　for　once　before　I　had　been　almost　as　bad。　But　what　I　did　see　was　a　little　curly…headed　boy　in　a　white　frock　and　pantalets；　climbing　up　the　stairs　right　leg　first；　so　queer　of　me　to　have　noticed　that。　I　knew　I　was　that　boy。　He　was　an　innocent…　looking　little　chap；　and　was　smiling。　He　seemed　to　me　to　grow　and　grow；　and　at　last　　was　a　big；　red…headed　man　with　a　live　rat　in　his　hand。　I　saw　nothing　more；　but　I　surely　knew　I　needed　whisky。　I　waited　until　all　was　still；　and　got　down　and　out；　for　I　knew　every　window。　I　soon　found　a　tavern；　and　got　a　drink　and　some　food。　At　once　my　fear　left　me。　I　was　warm　at　last　and　clear　of　head；　and　had　again　my　natural　courage。　I　was　well　aware　that　I　was　on　the　edge　of　delirium　tremens　and　must　be　most　prudent。　I　paid　in　advance　for　my　room　and　treated　myself　as　I　had　done　many　another。　Only　a　man　of　unusual　force　could　have　managed　his　own　case　as　I　did。　I　went　out　only　at　night；　and　in　a　week　was　well　enough　to　travel。　During　this　time　I　saw　now　and　then　that　grinning　little　fellow。　Sometimes　he　had　an　apple　and　was　eating　it。　I　do　not　know　why　he　was　worse　to　me　than　snakes；　or　the　twitchy　old　woman　with　her　wide　eyes　of　glass；　and　that　jerk；　jerk；　to　right。

I　decided　to　go　back　to　Boston。　I　got　to　New　York　prudently　in　a　roundabout　way；　and　in　two　weeks'　time　was　traveling　east　from　Albany。

I　felt　well；　and　my　spirits　began　at　last　to　rise　to　their　usual　level。　When　I　arrived　in　Boston　I　set　myself　to　thinking　how　best　I　could　contrive　to　enjoy　life　and　at　the　same　time　to　increase　my　means。　I　possessed　sufficient　capital；　and　was　able　and　ready　to　embark　in　whatever　promised　the　best　returns　with　the　smallest　personal　risks。　I　settled　myself　in　a　suburb；　paid　off　a　few　pressing　claims；　and　began　to　reflect　with　my　ordinary　sagacity。

We　were　now　in　the　midst　of　a　most　absurd　war　with　the　South；　and　it　was　becoming　difficult　to　escape　the　net　of　conscription。　It　might　be　wise　to　think　of　this　in　time。　Europe　seemed　a　desirable　residence；　but　I　needed　more　money　to　make　this　agreeable；　and　an　investment　for　my　brains　was　what　I　wanted　most。　Many　schemes　presented　themselves　as　worthy　the　application　of　industry　and　talent；　but　none　of　them　altogether　suited　my　case。　I　thought　at　times　of　traveling　as　a　physiological　lecturer；　combining　with　it　the　business　of　a　practitioner：　scare　the　audience　at　night　with　an　enumeration　of　symptoms　which　belong　to　ten　out　of　every　dozen　healthy　people；　and　then　doctor　such　of　them　as　are　gulls　enough　to　consult　me　next　day。　The　bigger　the　fright　the　better　the　pay。　I　was　a　little　timid；　however；　about　facing　large　audiences；　as　a　man　　will　be　naturally　if　he　has　lived　a　life　of　adventure；　so　that　upon　due　consideration　I　gave　up　the　idea　altogether。

The　patent　medicine　business　also　looked　well　enough；　but　it　is　somewhat　overdone　at　all　times；　and　requires　a　heavy　outlay；　with　the　probable　result　of　ill　success。　Indeed；　I　believe　one　hundred　quack　remedies　fail　for　one　that　succeeds；　and　millions　must　have　been　wasted　in　placards；　bills；　and　advertisements；　which　never　returned　half　their　value　to　the　speculator。　I　think　I　shall　some　day　beguile　my　time　with　writing　an　account　of　the　principal　quack　remedies　which　have　met　with　success。　They　are　few　in　number；　after　all；　as　any　one　must　know　who　recalls　the　countless　pills　and　tonics　which　are　puffed　awhile　on　the　fences；　and　disappear；　to　be　heard　of　no　more。

Lastly；　I　inclined　for　a　while　to　undertake　a　private　insane　asylum；　which　appeared　to　me　to　offer　facilities　for　money…making；　as　to　which；　however；　I　may　have　been　deceived　by　the　writings　of　certain　popular　novelists。　I　went　so　far；　I　may　say；　as　actually　to　visit　Concord　for　the　purpose　of　finding　a　pleasant　locality　and　a　suitable　atmosphere。　Upon　reflection　I　abandoned　my　plans；　as　　involving　too　much　personal　labor　to　suit　one　　of　my　easy　frame　of　mind。

Tired　at　last　of　idleness　and　lounging　on　the　Common；　I　engaged　in　two　or　three　little　ventures　of　a　semi…professional　character；　such　as　an　exhibition　of　laughing…gas；　advertising　to　cure　cancer；‘‘Send　twenty…five　stamps　by　mail　to　J。　B。；　and　receive　an　infallible　receipt；''etc。　I　did　not　find；　however；　that　these　little　enterprises　prospered　well　in