eugene pickering-第3节

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certain　overflow　of　sentimental　fermentation。　　I　could　do　so　with　a

good　conscience；　for　all　this　trepidation　filled　me　with　a　great

friendliness。



〃It's　nearly　fifteen　years；　as　you　say；〃　he　began；　〃since　you　used　to

call　me　'butter…fingers'　for　always　missing　the　ball。　　That's　a　long

time　to　give　an　account　of；　and　yet　they　have　been；　for　me；　such

eventless；　monotonous　years；　that　I　could　almost　tell　their　history

in　ten　words。　　You；　I　suppose；　have　had　all　kinds　of　adventures　and

travelled　over　half　the　world。　　I　remember　you　had　a　turn　for　deeds

of　daring；　I　used　to　think　you　a　little　Captain　Cook　in　roundabouts；

for　climbing　the　garden　fence　to　get　the　ball　when　I　had　let　it　fly

over。　　I　climbed　no　fences　then　or　since。　　You　remember　my　father；　I

suppose；　and　the　great　care　he　took　of　me？　　I　lost　him　some　five

months　ago。　　From　those　boyish　days　up　to　his　death　we　were　always

together。　　I　don't　think　that　in　fifteen　years　we　spent　half　a　dozen

hours　apart。　　We　lived　in　the　country；　winter　and　summer；　seeing　but

three　or　four　people。　　I　had　a　succession　of　tutors；　and　a　library　to

browse　about　in；　I　assure　you　I　am　a　tremendous　scholar。　　It　was　a

dull　life　for　a　growing　boy；　and　a　duller　life　for　a　young　man　grown；

but　I　never　knew　it。　　I　was　perfectly　happy。〃　　He　spoke　of　his　father

at　some　length；　and　with　a　respect　which　I　privately　declined　to

emulate。　　Mr。　Pickering　had　been；　to　my　sense；　a　frigid　egotist；

unable　to　conceive　of　any　larger　vocation　for　his　son　than　to　strive

to　reproduce　so　irreproachable　a　model。　　〃I　know　I　have　been

strangely　brought　up；〃　said　my　friend；　〃and　that　the　result　is

something　grotesque；　but　my　education；　piece　by　piece；　in　detail；

became　one　of　my　father's　personal　habits；　as　it　were。　　He　took　a

fancy　to　it　at　first　through　his　intense　affection　for　my　mother　and

the　sort　of　worship　he　paid　her　memory。　　She　died　at　my　birth；　and　as

I　grew　up；　it　seems　that　I　bore　an　extraordinary　likeness　to　her。

Besides；　my　father　had　a　great　many　theories；　he　prided　himself　on

his　conservative　opinions；　he　thought　the　usual　American　laisser…

aller　in　education　was　a　very　vulgar　practice；　and　that　children　were

not　to　grow　up　like　dusty　thorns　by　the　wayside。　　〃So　you　see；〃

Pickering　went　on；　smiling　and　blushing；　and　yet　with　something　of

the　irony　of　vain　regret；　〃I　am　a　regular　garden　plant。　　I　have　been

watched　and　watered　and　pruned；　and　if　there　is　any　virtue　in　tending

I　ought　to　take　the　prize　at　a　flower　show。　　Some　three　years　ago　my

father's　health　broke　down；　and　he　was　kept　very　much　within　doors。

So；　although　I　was　a　man　grown；　I　lived　altogether　at　home。　　If　I　was

out　of　his　sight　for　a　quarter　of　an　hour　he　sent　some　one　after　me。

He　had　severe　attacks　of　neuralgia；　and　he　used　to　sit　at　his　window；

basking　in　the　sun。　　He　kept　an　opera…glass　at　hand；　and　when　I　was

out　in　the　garden　he　used　to　watch　me　with　it。　　A　few　days　before　his

death　I　was　twenty…seven　years　old；　and　the　most　innocent　youth；　I

suppose；　on　the　continent。　　After　he　died　I　missed　him　greatly；〃

Pickering　continued；　evidently　with　no　intention　of　making　an

epigram。　　〃I　stayed　at　home；　in　a　sort　of　dull　stupor。　　It　seemed　as

if　life　offered　itself　to　me　for　the　first　time；　and　yet　as　if　I

didn't　know　how　to　take　hold　of　it。〃



He　uttered　all　this　with　a　frank　eagerness　which　increased　as　he

talked；　and　there　was　a　singular　contrast　between　the　meagre

experience　he　described　and　a　certain　radiant　intelligence　which　I

seemed　to　perceive　in　his　glance　and　tone。　　Evidently　he　was　a　clever

fellow；　and　his　natural　faculties　were　excellent。　　I　imagined　he　had

read　a　great　deal；　and　recovered；　in　some　degree；　in　restless

intellectual　conjecture；　the　freedom　he　was　condemned　to　ignore　in

practice。　　Opportunity　was　now　offering　a　meaning　to　the　empty　forms

with　which　his　imagination　was　stored；　but　it　appeared　to　him　dimly；

through　the　veil　of　his　personal　diffidence。



〃I　have　not　sailed　round　the　world；　as　you　suppose；〃　I　said；　〃but　I

confess　I　envy　you　the　novelties　you　are　going　to　behold。　　Coming　to

Homburg　you　have　plunged　in　medias　res。〃



He　glanced　at　me　to　see　if　my　remark　contained　an　allusion；　and

hesitated　a　moment。　　〃Yes；　I　know　it。　　I　came　to　Bremen　in　the

steamer　with　a　very　friendly　German；　who　undertook　to　initiate　me

into　the　glories　and　mysteries　of　the　Fatherland。　　At　this　season；　he

said；　I　must　begin　with　Homburg。　　I　landed　but　a　fortnight　ago；　and

here　I　am。〃　　Again　he　hesitated；　as　if　he　were　going　to　add　something

about　the　scene　at　the　Kursaal　but　suddenly；　nervously；　he　took　up

the　letter　which　was　lying　beside　him；　looked　hard　at　the　seal　with　a

troubled　frown；　and　then　flung　it　back　on　the　grass　with　a　sigh。



〃How　long　do　you　expect　to　be　in　Europe？〃　I　asked。



〃Six　months　I　supposed　when　I　came。　　But　not　so　longnow！〃　　And　he

let　his　eyes　wander　to　the　letter　again。



〃And　where　shall　you　gowhat　shall　you　do？〃



〃Everywhere；　everything；　I　should　have　said　yesterday。　　But　now　it　is

different。〃



I　glanced　at　the　letterinterrogatively；　and　he　gravely　picked　it　up

and　put　it　into　his　pocket。　　We　talked　for　a　while　longer；　but　I　saw

that　he　had　suddenly　become　preoccupied；　that　he　was　apparently

weighing　an　impulse　to　break　some　last　barrier　of　reserve。　　At　last

he　suddenly　laid　his　hand　on　my　arm；　looked　at　me　a　moment

appealingly；　and　cried；　〃Upon　my　word；　I　should　like　to　tell　you

everything！〃



〃Tell　me　everything；　by　all　means；〃　I　answered；　smiling。　〃I　desire

nothing　better　than　to　lie　here　in　the　shade　and　hear　everything。〃



〃Ah；　but　the　question　is；　will　you　understand　it？　　No　matter；　you

think　me　a　queer　fellow　already。　　It's　not　easy；　either；　to　tell　you

what　I　feelnot　easy　for　so　queer　a　fellow　as　I　to　tell　you　in　how

many　ways　he　is　queer！〃　　He　got　up　and　walked　away　a　moment；　passing

his　hand　over　his　eyes；　then　came　back　rapidly　and　flung　himself　on

the　grass　again。　　〃I　said　just　now　I　always　supposed　I　was　happy；

it's　true；　but　now　that　my　eyes　are　open；　I　see　I　was　only

stultified。　　I　was　like　a　poodle…dog　that　is　led　about　by　a　blue

ribbon；　and　scoured　and　combed　and　fed　on　slops。　　It　was　not　life；

life　is　learning　to　know　one's　self；　and　in　that　sense　I　have　lived

more　in　the　past　six　weeks　than　in　all　the　years　that　preceded　them。

I　am　filled　with　this　feverish　sense　of　liberation；　it　keeps　rising

to　my　head　like　the　fumes　of　strong　wine。　　I　find　I　am　an　active；

sentient；　intelligent　creature；　with　desires；　with　passions；　with

possible　convictionseven　with　what　I　never　dreamed　of；　a　possible

will　of　my　own！　　I　find　there　is　a　world　to　know；　a　life　to　lead；　men

and　women　to　form　a　thousand　relations　with。　　It　all　lies　there　like

a　great　surging　sea；　where　we　must　plunge　and　dive　and　feel　the

breeze　and　breast　the　waves。　　I　stand　shivering　here　on　the　brink；

staring；　longing；　wondering；　charmed　by　the　smell　of　the　brine　and

yet　afraid　of　the　water。　　The　world　beckons　and　smiles　and　calls；　but

a　nameless　influence　from　the　past；　that　I　can　neither　wholly　obey

nor　wholly　resist；　seems　to　hold　me　back。　　I　am　full　of　impulses；

but；　somehow；　I　am　not　full　of　strength。　　Life　seems　inspiring　at

certain　moments；　but　it　seems　terrible　and　unsafe；　and　I　ask　myself

why　I　should　wantonly　measure　myself　with　merciless　forces；　when　I

have　learned　so　well　how　to　stand　aside　and　let　them　pass。　　Why

shouldn't　I　turn　my　back　upon　it　all　and　go　home　towhat　awaits　me？…

…to　that　sightless；　soundless　country　life；　and　long　days　spent　among

old　books？　　But　if　a　man　IS　weak；　he　doesn't　want　to　assent

beforehand　to　his　weakness；　he　wants　to　taste　whatever　sweetness

there　may　be　in　paying　for　the　knowledge。　　So　it　is　that　it　comes

backthis　irresistible　impulse　to　take　my　plungeto　let　myself

swing；　to　go　where　liberty　leads　me。〃　　He　paused　a　moment；　fixing　me

with　his　excited　eyes；　and　perhaps　perceived　in　my　own　an

irrepressible　smile　at　his　perplexity。　　〃'Swing　ahead；　in　Heaven's

name；'　you　want　to　say；　'and　much　good　may　it　do　you。'　　I　don't　know

whether　you　are　laughing　at　my　scruples　or　at　what　possibly　strikes

you　as　my　depravity。　　I　doubt；〃　he　went　on　gravely；　〃whether　I　have

an　inclination　toward　wrong…doing；　if　I　have；　I　am　sure　I　shall　not

prosper　in　it。　　I　honestly　believe　I　may　safely　take　out　a　license　to

amuse　myself。　　But　it　isn't　that　I　think　of；　any　more　than　I　dream

of；　playing　with　suffering。　　Pleasure　and　pain　are　empty　words　to　me；

what　I　long　for　is　knowledgesome　other　knowledge　than　comes　to　us

in　formal；　colourless；　impersonal　precept。　　You　would　understand　all

this　better　if　you　could　breathe　for　an　hour　the　musty　in…door

atmosphere　in　which　I　have　always　lived。　　To　break　a　window　and　let

in　light　and　airI　feel　as　if　at　last　I　must　ACT！〃



〃Act；　by　all　means；　now　and　always；　when　you　have　a　chance；〃　I

answered。　　〃But　don't　take　things　too　hard；　now　or　ever。　　Your　long

con