the university of hard knocks-第13节

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Even　the　gentleman　running　the　game　was　fooled。　He　thought　it　was　under　the　end　shell　and　bet　me　money　it　was　under　the　end　shell。　You　see；　this　was　not　gambling；　this　was　a　sure　thing。　（It　was！）　I　had　saved　up　my　money　for　weeks　to　attend　the　fair。　I　bet　it　all　on　that　middle　shell。　I　felt　bad。　It　seemed　like　robbing　father。　And　he　seemed　like　a　real　nice　old　gentleman；　and　maybe　he　had　a　family　to　keep。　But　I　would　teach　him　a　lesson　not　to　〃monkey〃　with　people　like　me；　naturally　bright。

But　I　needn't　have　felt　bad。　I　did　not　rob　father。　Father　cleaned　me　out　of　all　I　had　in　about　five　seconds。

I　went　over　to　the　other　side　of　the　fairgrounds　and　sat　down。　That　was　all　I　had　to　do　nowjust　go；　sit　down。　I　couldn't　see　the　mermaid　now　or　get　into　the　grandstand。

Sadly　I　thought　it　all　over；　but　I　did　not　get　the　right　answer。　I　said　the　thing　every　fool　does　say　when　he　gets　bumped　and　fails　to　learn　the　lesson　from　the　bump。　I　said；　〃Next　time　I　shall　be　more　careful。〃

When　anybody　says　that　he　is　due　for　a　return　date。




I　Bought　the　Soap


Learn？　No！　Within　a　month　I　was　on　the　street　a　Saturday　night　when　another　gentleman　drove　into　town。　He　stopped　on　the　public　square　and　stood　up　in　his　buggy。　〃Let　the　prominent　citizens　gather　around　me；　for　I　am　going　to　give　away　dollars。〃

Immediately　all　the　prominent　〃suckers〃　crowded　around　the　buggy。　〃Gentlemen；　I　am　introducing　this　new　medicinal　soap　that　cures　all　diseases　humanity　is　heir　to。　Now　just　to　introduce　and　advertise；　I　am　putting　these　cakes　of　Wonder　Soap　in　my　hat。　You　see　I　am　wrapping　a　ten…dollar　bill　around　one　cake　and　throwing　it　into　the　hat。　Now　who　will　give　me　five　dollars　for　the　privilege　of　taking　a　cake　of　this　wonderful　soap　from　my　hatany　cake　you　want；　gentlemen！〃

And　right　on　top　of　the　pile　was　the　cake　with　the　ten　wrapped　around　it！　I　jumped　over　the　rest　to　shove　my　five　（two　weeks'　farm　work）　in　his　hands　and　grab　that　bill　cake。　But　the　bill　disappeared。　I　never　knew　where　it　went。　The　man　whipped　up　his　horse　and　also　disappeared。　I　never　knew　where　he　went。




My　〃Fool　Drawer〃


I　grew　older　and　people　began　to　notice　that　I　was　naturally　bright　and　therefore　good　picking。　They　began　to　let　me　in　on　the　ground　floor。　Did　anybody　ever　let　you　in　on　the　ground　floor？　I　never　could　stick。　Whenever　anybody　let　me　in　on　the　ground　floor　it　seemed　like　I　would　always　slide　on　thru　and　land　in　the　cellar。

I　used　to　have　a　drawer　in　my　desk　I　called　my　〃fool　drawer。〃　I　kept　my　investments　in　it。　I　mean；　the　investments　I　did　not　have　to　lock　up。　You　get　the　pathos　of　thatthe　investments　nobody　wanted　to　steal。　And　whenever　I　would　get　unduly　inflated　I　would　open　that　drawer　and　〃view　the　remains。〃

I　had　in　that　drawer　the　deed　to　my　Oklahoma　corner…lots。　Those　lots　were　going　to　double　next　week。　But　they　did　not　double　I　doubled。　They　still　exist　on　the　blueprint　and　the　Oklahoma　metropolis　on　paper　is　yet　a　wide　place　in　the　road。

I　had　in　that　drawer　my　deed　to　my　rubber　plantation。　Did　you　ever　hear　of　a　rubber　plantation　in　Central　America？　That　was　mine。　I　had　there　my　oil　propositions。　What　a　difference；　I　have　learned；　between　an　oil　proposition　and　an　oil　well！　The　learning　has　been　very　expensive。

I　used　to　wonder　how　I　ever　could　spend　my　income。　I　do　not　wonder　now。　I　wonder　how　I　will　make　it。

I　had　in　that　drawer　my　〃Everglade〃　farm。　Did　you　ever　hear　of　the　〃Everglades〃？　I　have　an　alligator　ranch　there。　It　is　below　the　frost…line；　also　below　the　water…line。　I　will　sell　it　by　the　gallon。

I　had　also　a　bale　of　mining　stock。　I　had　stock　in　gold　mines　and　silver　mines。　Nobody　knows　how　much　mining　stock　I　have　owned。　Nobody　could　know　while　I　kept　that　drawer　shut。　As　I　looked　over　my　gold　and　silver　mine　stock；　I　often　noticed　that　it　was　printed　in　green。　I　used　to　wonder　why　they　printed　it　in　greenwonder　if　they　wanted　it　to　harmonize　with　me！　And　I　would　realize　I　had　so　much　to　live　forthe　dividends。　I　have　been　so　near　the　dividends　I　could　smell　them。　Only　one　more　assessment；　then　we　will　cut　the　melon！　I　have　heard　that　all　my　life　and　never　got　a　piece　of　the　rind。




Getting　〃Selected〃


Why　go　farther？　I　am　not　half　done　confessing。　Each　bump　only　increased　my　faith　that　the　next　ship　would　be　mine。　Good；　honest；　retired　ministers　would　come　periodically　and　sell　me　stock　in　some　new　enterprise　that　had　millions　in　itin　its　prospectus。　I　would　buy　because　I　knew　the　minister　was　honest　and　believed　in　it。　He　was　selling　it　on　his　reputation。　Favorite　dodge　of　the　promoter　to　get　the　ministers　to　sell　his　shares。

I　was　also　greatly　interested　in　companies　where　I　put　in　one　dollar　and　got　back　a　dollar　or　two　of　bonds　and　a　dollar　or　two　of　stock。　That　was　doubling　and　trebling　my　money　over　night。　An　old　banker　once　said　to　me；　〃Why　don't　you　invest　in　something　that　will　pay　you　five　or　six　per　cent。　and　get　it？〃

I　pitied　his　lack　of　vision。　Bankers　were　such　〃tightwads。〃　They　had　no　imagination！　Nothing　interested　me　that　did　not　offer　fifty　or　a　hundred　per　cent。then。　Give　me　the　five　per　cent。　now！

By　the　time　I　was　thirty…four　I　was　a　rich　man　in　worthless　paper。　It　would　have　been　better　for　me　if　I　had　thrown　about　all　my　savings　into　the　bottom　of　the　sea。

Then　I　got　a　confidential　letter　from　a　friend　of　our　family　I　had　never　met。　His　name　was　Thomas　A。　Cleage；　and　he　was　in　the　Rialto　Building；　St。　Louis；　Missouri。　He　wrote　me　in　extreme　confidence；　〃You　have　been　selected。〃

Were　you　ever　selected？　If　you　were；　then　you　know　the　thrill　that　rent　my　manly　bosom　as　I　read　that　letter　from　this　man　who　said　he　was　a　friend　of　our　family。　〃You　have　been　selected　because　you　are　a　prominent　citizen　and　have　a　large　influence　in　your　community。　You　are　a　natural　leader　and　everybody　looks　up　to　you。〃

He　knew　me！　He　was　the　only　man　who　did　know　me。　So　I　took　the　cork　clear　under。

〃Because　of　your　tremendous　influence　you　have　been　selected　to　go　in　with　us　in　the　inner　circle　and　get　a　thousand　per　cent。　dividends。〃

Did　you　get　that？　I　hope　you　did。　I　did　not！　But　I　took　a　night　train　for　St。　Louis。　I　was　afraid　somebody　might　beat　me　there　if　I　waited　till　next　day。　I　sat　up　all　night　in　a　day　coach　to　save　money　for　Tom；　the　friend　of　our　family。　But　I　see　now　I　need　not　have　hurried　so。　They　would　have　waited　a　month　with　the　sheep…shears　ready。　Lambie；　lambie；　lambie；　come　to　St。　Louis！

I　don't　get　any　sympathy　from　this　crowd。　You　laugh　at　me。　You　respect　not　my　feelings。　I　am　not　going　to　tell　you　a　thing　that　happened　in　St。　Louis。　It　is　none　of　your　business！

O；　I　am　so　glad　I　went　to　St。　Louis。　Being　naturally　bright；　I　could　not　learn　it　at　home；　back　in　Ohio。　I　had　to　go　clear　down　to　St。　Louis　to　Tom　Cleage's　bucket…shop　and　pay　him　eleven　hundred　dollars　to　corner　the　wheat　market　of　the　world。　That　is　all　I　paid　him。　I　could　not　borrow　any　more。　I　joined　what　he　called　a　〃pool。〃　I　think　it　must　have　been　a　pool；　for　I　know　I　fell　in　and　got　soaked！

That　bump　set　me　to　thinking。　My　fever　began　to　reduce。　I　got　the　thirty…third　degree　in　financial　suckerdom　for　only　eleven　hundred　dollars。

I　have　always　regarded　Tom　as　one　of　my　great　school　teachers。　I　have　always　regarded　the　eleven　hundred　as　the　finest　investment　I　had　made　up　to　that　time；　for　I　got　the　most　out　of　it。　I　do　not　feel　hard　toward　goldbrick　men　and　〃blue　sky〃　venders。　I　sometimes　feel　that　we　should　endow　them。　How　else　can　we　save　a　sucker？　You　cannot　tell　him　anything；　because　he　is　naturally　bright　and　knows　better。　You　simply　have　to　trim　him　till　he　bleeds。




I　Am　Cured


It　is　worth　eleven　hundred　dollars　every　day　to　know　that　one　sentence；　You　cannot　get　something　for　nothing。　Life　just　begins　to　get　juicy　when　you　know　it。　Today　when　I　open　a　newspaper　and　see　a　big　ad；　〃Grasp　a　Fortune　Now！〃　I　will　not　do　it！　I　stop　my　subscription　to　that　paper。　I　simply　will　not　take　a　paper　with　that　ad　in　it；　for　I　have　graduated　from　that　class。

I　will　not　grasp　a　fortune　now。　Try　me；　I　dare　you！　Bring　a　fortune　right　up　on　this　platform　and　put　it　down　there　on　the　floor。　I　will　not　grasp　it。　Come　away；　it　is　a　coffee…pot！

Today　when　somebody　offers　me　much　more　than　the　legal　rate　of　interest　I　know　he　is　no　friend　of　our　family。

If　he　offers　me　a　hundred　per　cent。　I　call　for　the　police！

Today　when　I　get　a　confidential　letter　that　starts　out；　〃You　have　been　selected〃　I　never　read　farther　than　the　word　〃selected。〃　Meeting　is　adjourned。　I　select　the　waste…basket。　Here；　get　in　there　just　as　quick　as　you　can。　I　was　selected！


O；　Absalom；　Absalom；　my　son；　my　son！　Learn　it　early　in　life。　The　law　of　compensation　is　never　suspended。　You　only　own　what　you　earn。　You　can't　get　something　for　nothing。　If　you　do　not　learn　it；　you　will　have　to　be　〃selected。〃　There　is　no　other　way　for　you；　because　you　are　naturally　bright。　When　you　get　a　letter；　〃You　have　been　selected　to　receive　a　thousand　per　cent。　dividends；〃　it　means　you　have　been　selected　to　receive　this　bunch　of　blisters　because　you　look　like　the　biggest　sucker　on　the　local　landscape。

The　other　night　in　a　little　town　of　perhaps　a　thousand；　a　banker　took　me　up　into　his　office　af