the cost-第35节
按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
〃It seems to me I'll never be able to look youor myselfin the face again；〃 he said at last。
〃I didn't know it was in me toto take advantage of a woman's helplessness。〃
〃I wanted you to do what you did；〃 she said simply。
He shook his head。 〃You are generous；〃 he answered。 〃But I deserve nothing but your contempt。〃
〃I wanted you to do it；〃 she repeated。 She was under the spell of her love and of his touch。 She was clutching to save what she could； was desperately hoping it might not be so little as she feared。 〃I had thethe same impulse that you had。〃 She looked at him timidly； with a pleading smile。 〃And please don't say you're sorry you did it； even if you feel so。 You'll think me very boldI know it isn't proper for young women to make such admissions。 Butdon't reproach yourselfplease！〃
If she could have looked into his mind as he stood there； crushed and degraded in his own eyes； she would have been a little consoledfor； in defiance of his self…scorn and self…hate； his nerves were tingling with the memory of that delirium； and his brain was throbbing with the surge of impulses long dormant； now imperious。 But she was not even looking toward himfor； through her sense of shame； of wounded pride； her love was clamoring to her to cry out： 〃Take me in your arms again！ I care not on what terms； only take me and hold me and kiss me。〃
The rain presently ceased as abruptly as it had begun and they returned under the dripping leaves to the highroad。 She glanced anxiously at him as they walked toward the town； but he did not speak。 She saw that if the silence was to be broken； she must break it。
〃What can I say to convince you？〃 she asked； as if not he but she were the offender。
He did not answer。
〃Won't you look at me； please？〃
He looked； the color mounting in his cheeks； his eyes unsteady。
〃Now； tell me you'll not make me suffer because you fancy you've wronged me。 Isn't it ungallant of you to act this way after I've humiliated myself to confess I didn't mind？〃
〃Thank you；〃 he said humbly； and looked away。
〃You won't have it that I was in the least responsible？〃 She was teasing him nowhe was plainly unaware of the meaning of her yielding。 〃He's so modest；〃 she thought； and went on： 〃You won't permit me to flatter myself I was a temptation too strong even for your iron heart； Don Quixote？〃
He flushed scarlet； and the suspicion； the realization of the truth set her eyes to flashing。
〃It's before another woman he's abasing himself；〃 she thought； 〃not before me。 He isn't even thinking of me。〃 When she spoke her tone was cold and sneering： 〃I hope she will forgive you。 She certainly would if she could know what a paladin you are。〃
He winced； but did not answer。 At the road up the bluffs she paused and there was an embarrassed silence。 Then he poured out abrupt sentences：
〃It was doubly base。 I betrayed your friendly trust； I was false to her。 Don't misunderstandshe's nothing to me。 She's nothing to me； yet everything。 I began really to live when I began to love her。 Andevery one must have aa pole…star。 And she's minethe star I sail by； and always must。 And〃 He halted altogether； then blundered on： 〃I shall not forgive myself。 But yoube mercifulforgive meforget it！〃
〃I shall do neither；〃 she replied curtly； jealousy and vanity stamping down the generous impulse that rose in response to his appeal。 And she went up her road。 A few yards and she paused； hoping to hear him coming after her。 A few yards more and she sat down on a big boulder by the wayside。 Until now all the wishes of her life had been more or less material； had been wishes which her wealth or the position her wealth gave had enabled her instantly to gratify。 She buried her face in her arms and sobbed and rocked herself to and fro； in a cyclone of anger； and jealousy； and shame； and love； and despair。
〃I hate him！〃 she exclaimed between clenched teeth。 〃I hate him； butif he came and wanted me； oh； how I would LOVE him！〃
Meanwhile Pauline was at her father's。
〃He isn't down yet；〃 said her mother。 〃You know； he doesn't finish dressing nowadays until he has read the papers and his mail。 Then he walks in the garden。〃
〃I'll go there；〃 said Pauline。 〃Won't you bring him when he's ready？〃
She never entered the garden that the ghosts of her childhoodhow far； far it seemed！did not join her； brushing against her； or rustling in tree and bush and leafy trellis。 She paused at the end of the long arbor and sat on the rustic bench there。 A few feet away was the bed of lilies…of…the…valley。 Every spring of her childhood she used to run from the house on the first warm morning and hurry to it； and if her glance raised her hopes she would kneel upon the young grass and lower her head until her long golden hair touched the black ground； and the soil that had been hard and cold all winter would be cracked open this way and that； and from the cracks would issue an odorthe odor of life。 And as she would peer into each crack in turn she would see； down； away down； the pale tip of what she knew to be an up…shooting slender shaft。 And her heart would thrill with joy； for she knew that the shafts would presently rise green above the black earth； would unfold； would blossom； would bloom； would fling from tremulous bells a perfumed proclamation of the arrival of spring。
As she sat waiting； it seemed to her that through the black earth of her life she could see and feel the backward heralds of her spring〃after the long winter；〃 she said to herself。
She glanced upher father coming toward her。 He was alone； was holding a folded letter uncertainly in his hand。 He looked at her； his eyes full of pity and grief。 〃Pauline；〃 he began； 〃has everything beenbeen wellof late between you andyour husband？〃
She started。 〃No； father；〃 she replied。 Then； looking at him with clear directness： 〃I've not been showing you and mother the truth about John and menot for a long time。〃
She saw that her answer relieved him。 He hesitated； held out the letter。
〃The best way is for you to read it；〃 he said。 It was a letter to him from Fanshaw。 He was writing； he explained； because the discharge of a painful duty to himself would compel him 〃to give pain to your daughter whom I esteem highly；〃 and he thought it only right 〃to prepare her and her family for what was coming； in order that they might be ready to take the action that would suggest itself。〃 And he went on to relate his domestic troubles and his impending suit。
〃Poor Leonora！〃 murmured Pauline； as she finished and sat thinking of all that Fanshaw's letter involved。
〃Is it true； Polly？〃 asked her father。
She gave a great sigh of relief。 How easy this letter had made all that she had been dreading！ 〃Yesit's true；〃 she replied。 〃I've known aboutabout it ever since the time I came back from the East and didn't return。〃
The habitual pallor of her father's face changed to gray。
〃I left him； father。〃 She lifted her head； impatient of her stammering。 A bright flush was in her face as she went on rapidly： 〃And I came to…day to tell you the whole storyto be truthful and honest again。 I'm sick of deception and evasion。 I can't stand it any longerI mustn't。 Iyou don't know how I've shrunk from wounding mother and you。 But I've no choice now。 Father； I must be freefree！〃
〃And you shall be；〃 replied her father。 〃He shall not wreck your life and Gardiner's。〃
Pauline stared at him。 〃Father！〃 she exclaimed。
He put his arm round her and drew her gently to him。
〃I know the idea is repellent；〃 he said； as if he were trying to persuade a child。 〃But it's right； Pauline。 There are cases in which not to divorce would be a sin。 I hope my daughter sees that this is one。〃
〃I don't understand；〃 she said confusedly。 〃I thought you and mother believed divorce was dreadfulno matter what might happen。〃
〃We did； Pauline。 But wethat is； Ihad never had it brought home。 A hint of this story was published just after you came last year。 I thought it false； but it set me to thinking。 ‘If your daughter's husband had turned out to be as you once thought him； would it be right for her to live on with him？ To live a lie； to pretend to keep her vows to love and honor him？ Would it be right to condemn Gardiner to be poisoned by such a father？' And at last I saw the truth； and your mother agreed with me。 We had been too narrow。 We had been laying down our own notions as God's great justice。〃
Pauline drew away from her father so that she could look at him。 And at last she saw into his heart。 〃If I had only known；〃 she said； and sat numb and stunned。
〃When you were coming home from college；〃 her father went on； 〃your mother and I talked over what we should do。 John had just confessed your secret marriage〃
〃You knew that！〃
〃Yes； and we understood； Polly。 You were so youngso headstrongand you couldn't appreciate our reasons。〃
Pauline's brain was reeling。
〃Your mother and I talked it over before you got home and thought it best to leave you entirely free to choose。 But when we saw you overcome by joy〃
〃Don't！〃 she interrupted； her voice a cry of pain。 〃I can't bear it！ Don't！〃 Years of false self…sacrifice；
