the cost-第26节

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ne　trembled；　an　enormous　joy　thrilling　through　and　through　her。

〃Don't！〃　she　said　uncertainly。　　〃Don't　look　at　me　like　that；　PLEASE！〃

〃You　were　crying；〃　he　said　abruptly。　　He　stood　before　her；　obviously　one　who　had　conquered　the　respect　of　the　world　in　fair；　open　battle；　and　has　the　courage　that　is　for　those　only　who　have　tested　their　strength　and　know　it　will　not　fail　them。　　And　the　sight　of　him；　the　look　of　him；　filled　her　not　with　the　mere　belief；　but　with　the　absolute　conviction　that　no　malign　power　in　all　the　world　or　in　the　mystery　round　the　world　could　come　past　him　to　her　to　harass　or　harm　her。　　The　doubts；　the　sense　of　desolation　that　had　so　agitated　her　a　few　minutes　before　now　seemed　trivial；　weak；　unworthy。

She　lowered　her　eyesshe　had　thought　he　would　not　observe　the　slight　traces　of　the　tears　she　had　carefully　wiped　away。　　She　clasped　her　hands　meekly　and　lookedand　feltlike　a　guilty　child。　　The　coldness；　the　haughtiness　were　gone　from　her　face。

〃Yes；〃　she　said　shyly。　　〃YesII〃　　She　lifted　her　eyesher　tears　had　made　them　as　soft　and　luminous　as　the　eyes　of　a　child　just　awake　from　a　long；　untroubled　sleep。　　〃Butyou　must　not　ask　me。　　It's　nothing　that　can　be　helped。　　Besides；　it　seems　nothingnow。〃　　She　forced　a　faint　smile。　　〃If　you　knew　what　a　comfort　it　is　to　cry　you'd　try　it。〃

〃I　have；〃　he　replied。　　Then　after　a　pause　he　added：　　〃Once。〃　　Something　in　his　toneshe　did　not　venture　to　look　at　him　againmade　her　catch　her　breath。　　She　instantly　and　instinctively　knew　when　that　〃once〃　was。　　〃I　don't　care　to　try　it　again；　thank　you；〃　he　went　on。　　〃But　it　made　me　able　to　understand　what　sort　of　comfort　you　were　getting。　　ForYOU　don't　cry　easily。〃

The　katydids　were　clamoring　drowsily　in　the　tops　of　the　sycamores。　　From　out　of　sight　beyond　the　orchard　came　the　monotonous；　musical　whir　of　a　reaper。　　A　quail　whistled　his　pert；　hopeful；　careless　〃Bob　White！〃　from　the　rail　fence　edging　the　wheat　field。　　A　bumblebee　grumbled　among　a　cluster　of　swaying　clover　blossoms　which　the　mower　had　spared。　　And　the　breeze　tossed　up　and　rolled　over　the　meadow；　over　the　senses　of　the　young　man　and　the　young　woman；　great　billows　of　that　perfume　which　is　the　combined　essence　of　all　nature's　love　philters。

Pauline　sank　on　the　hay；　and　Scarborough　stretched　himself　on　the　ground　at　her　feet。　　〃For　a　long　time　it's　been　getting　darker　and　darker　for　me；〃　she　began；　in　the　tone　of　one　who　is　talking　of　some　past　sorrow　which　casts　a　retreating　shadow　over　present　joy　to　make　it　the　brighter　by　contrast。　　〃To…daythis　afternoon　it　seemed　as　if　the　light　were　just　about　to　go　outfor　good　and　all。　　And　I　came　here。　　I　found　myself　lying　on　the　groundon　the　bosom　of　this　old　cruelkind　mother　of　ours。　　And〃　　She　did　not　finishhe　would　know　the　rest。　　Besides；　what　did　it　matternow？

He　said：　　〃If　only　there　were　some　way　in　which　I　could　help。〃

〃It　isn't　the　people　who　appear　at　the　crises　of　one's　life；　like　the　hero　on　the　stage；　that　really　help。　　I'm　afraid　the　crises；　the　real　crises　of　real　life；　must　always　be　met　alone。〃

〃Alone；〃　he　said　in　an　undertone。　　The　sky　was　blue　nowcloudless　blue；　but　in　that　word　alone　he　could　hear　the　rumble　of　storms　below　the　horizon；　storms　past；　storms　to　come。

〃The　real　helpers；〃　she　went　on；　〃are　those　who　strengthen　us　day　by　day；　hour　by　hour。　　And　when　no　physical　presence　would　do　any　good；　when　no　outside　aid　is　possibletheyit's　like　finding　a　wall　at　one's　back　when　one's　in　dread　of　being　surrounded。　　I　suppose　you　don't　realize　how　much　it　means　toto　how　many　peopleto　watch　a　man　who　goes　straight　and　strong　on　his　waywithout　blustering；　without　trampling　anybody；　without　taking　any　mean　advantage。　　You　don't　mind　my　saying　these　things？〃

She　felt　the　look　which　she　did　not　venture　to　face　as　he　answered：　　〃I　needed　to　hear　them　to…day。　　For　it　seemed　to　me　that　I；　too；　had　got　to　the　limit　of　my　strength。〃

〃But　you　hadn't。〃　　She　said　this　confidently。

〃NoI　suppose　not。　　I've　thought　so　before；　but　somehow　I've　always　managed　to　gather　myself　together。　　This　time　it　was　the　work　of　years　apparently　undonehopelessly　undone。　　They〃she　understood　that　〃they〃　meant　the　leaders　of　the　two　corrupt　rings　whose　rule　of　the　state　his　power　with　the　people　menaced〃they　have　bought　away　some　of　my　best　menbought　them　with　those　‘favors'　that　are　so　much　more　disreputable　than　money　because　they're　respectable。　　Then　they　came　to　me〃he　laughed　unpleasantly〃and　took　me　up　into　a　high　mountain　and　showed　me　all　the　kingdoms　of　the　earth；　as　it　were。　　I　could　be　governor；　senator；　they　said；　could　probably　have　the　nomination　for　president　even；not　if　I　would　fall　down　and　worship　them；　but　if　I　would　let　them　alone。　　I　could　accomplish　nearly　all　that　I've　worked　so　long　to　accomplish　if　I　would　only　concede　a　few　things　to　them。　　I　could　be　almost　free。　　ALMOSTthat　is；　not　free　at　all。〃

She　said：　　〃And　they　knew　you　no　better　than　that！〃

〃Now；〃　he　continued；　〃it　looks　as　if　I'll　have　to　build　all　over　again。〃

〃I　think　not；〃　she　replied。　　〃If　they　weren't　still　afraid　of　you　they'd　never　have　come　to　you。　　But　what　does　it　matter？　　YOU　don't　fight　for　victory；　you　fight　for　the　fight's　sake。　　And　so〃she　looked　at　him　proudly〃you　can't　lose。〃

〃Thank　you。　　Thank　you；〃　he　said　in　a　low　voice。

She　sighed。　　〃How　I　envy　you！　　You　LIVE。　　I　can　simply　be　alive。　　Sometimes　I　feel　as　if　I　were　sitting　in　a　railway　station　waiting　to　begin　my　journeywaiting　for　a　train　that's　latenobody　knows　how　late。　　Simply　alivethat's　all。〃

〃That's　a　great　deal；〃　he　said。　　He　was　looking　round　at　the　sky；　at　the　horizon；　at　the　fields　far　and　near；　at　her。　　〃A　great　deal；〃　he　repeated。

〃You　feel　that；　too？〃　She　smiled。　　〃I　suppose　I　should　live　on　through　anything　and　everything；　because；　away　down　under　the　surface；　where　even　the　worst　storms　can't　reach；　there's　always　a　sort　of　tremendous　joythe　sense　of　being　alivejust　alive。〃　　She　drew　a　long　breath。　　〃Often　when　I've　beenanything　but　happya　little　while　ago；　for　instanceI　suddenly　have　a　feeling　of　ecstasy。　　I　say　to　myself：　　Yes；　I'm　unhappy；　butI'm　ALIVE！〃

He　made　a　sudden　impulsive　movement　toward　her；　then　restrained　himself；　pressed　his　lips　together　and　fell　back　on　his　elbow。

〃I　suppose　I　ought　to　be　ashamed　of　myself；'　she　added。

〃You　mustn't　say　that。〃　　He　was　sitting　up；　was　speaking　with　all　his　energy。　　〃All　that　you　were　telling　me　a　while　ago　to　encourage　me　applies　to　you；　tooand　moremore。　　You　DO　live。　　You　ARE　what　you　long　to　be。　　That　ideal　you're　always　trying　to　graspdon't　you　know　why　you　can't　grasp　it；　Pauline？　　Because　it's　your　own　self；　your　own　image　reflected　as　in　a　mirror。〃

He　broke　off　abruptly；　acutely　conscious　that　he　was　leaning　far　over　the　barrier　between　them。　　There　was　a　distant　shout；　from　vigorous；　boyish　lungs。　　Gardiner；　mad　with　the　joy　of　healthy　seven；　came　running　and　jumping　across　the　field　to　land　with　a　leap　astride　the　hillock；　scattering　wisps　of　hay　over　his　mother　and　Scarborough。　　Pauline　turned　without　getting　up；　caught　her　boy　by　the　arms　and　with　mock　violence　shook　and　thrust　him　deep　down　into　the　damaged　hillock。　　She　seemed　to　be　making　an　outlet　for　some　happiness　too　great　to　be　contained。　　He　laughed　and　shouted　and　struggled；　pushed　and　pulled　her。　　Her　hat　fell　off；　her　hair　loosened　and　the　sun　showered　gold　of　many　shades　upon　it。　　She　released　him　and　stood　up；　straightening　and　smoothing　her　hair　and　breathing　quickly；　the　color　high　in　her　cheeks。

Scarborough　was　already　standing；　watching　her　with　an　expression　of　great　cheerfulness。

〃Good…by；〃　he　now　said。　　〃The　caravan〃his　tone　was　half…jesting；　half…serious〃has　been　spending　the　heat　and　dust　of　the　day　on　the　oasis。　　It　makes　night　journeys　only。　　It　must　push　on。〃

〃Night　journeys　only；〃　repeated　Pauline。　　〃That　sounds　gloomy。〃

〃But　there　are　the　starsand　the　moon。〃

She　laughed。　　〃And　other　oases　ahead。　　Good…byand　thank　you！〃

The　boy；　close　to　his　mother　and　facing　Scarborough；　was　looking　from　her　to　him　and　back　againcuriously；　it　almost　seemed　suspiciously。　　Both　noticed　it；　both　flushed　slightly。　　Scarborough　shook　hands　with　her；　bowed　to　the　little　boy　with　a　formality　and　constraint　that　might　have　seemed　ludicrous　to　an　onlooker。　　He　went　toward　his　horse；　Gardiner　and　his　mother　took　the　course　at　right　angles　across　the　field　in　the　direction　in　which　the　towers　of　the　Eyrie　could　be　seen　above　the　tree…tops。　　Suddenly　the　boy　said；　as　if　it　were　the　conclusion　of　a　long　internal　argument：　　〃I　like　Mr。　Scarborough。〃

〃Why　not？〃　asked　his　mother；　amused。

〃II　don't　know；〃　replied　the　boy。　　〃Anyhow；　I　like　him。　　I　wish　he'd　come　and　stay　with　us　and　Aunt　Gladys。〃

Gladys！　　The　reminder　made　her　uncomfortable；　made　her　feel　that　she　ought　to　be　remorseful。　　But　she　hastened　on　to　defend　herself。　　What　reason　had　she　to　believe　that　Gladys　cared　for　him；　except　as　she　always　cared　for　difficult　conquest？　　Hadn't　Gladys　again　and　again　gone　out　of　her　way　to　explain　that　she　wasn't　in　love　with　him？　　Hadn't　she　said；　only　two　days　before：　　〃I　don't　believe　I　could　fall　in　love　with　any　man。　　Certainly　I　couldn't　unless　he　had　made　it　very　clear　to　me　that　he　was　in