five tales-第39节

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he　air。　　A　window　of　the　hotel；　high　up；　was　lighted；　he　saw　a　shadow　move　across　the　blind。　　And　most　queer　sensations　stirred　within　him；　a　sort　of　churning；　and　twining；　and　turning　of　a　single　emotion　on　itself；　as　though　spring　and　love；　bewildered　and　confused；　seeking　the　way；　were　baffled。　　This　girl；　who　had　called　him　Frank；　whose　hand　had　given　his　that　sudden　little　clutch；　this　girl　so　cool　and　purewhat　would　she　think　of　such　wild；　unlawful　loving？　　He　sank　down　on　the　grass；　sitting　there　cross…legged；　with　his　back　to　the　house；　motionless　as　some　carved　Buddha。　　Was　he　really　going　to　break　through　innocence；　and　steal？　Sniff　the　scent　out　of　a　wild　flower；　andperhapsthrow　it　away？　〃Of　a　girl　at　Cambridge　that　I　might　haveyou　know！〃　　He　put　his　hands　to　the　grass；　one　on　each　side；　palms　downwards；　and　pressed；　it　was　just　warm　stillthe　grass；　barely　moist；　soft　and　firm　and　friendly。　　'What　am　I　going　to　do？'　he　thought。　　Perhaps　Megan　was　at　her　window；　looking　out　at　the　blossom；　thinking　of　him！　　Poor　little　Megan！　　'Why　not？'　he　thought。　　'I　love　her！　　But　do　I　really　love　her？　or　do　I　only　want　her　because　she　is　so　pretty；　and　loves　me？　What　am　I　going　to　do？'　　The　piano　tinkled　on；　the　stars　winked；　and　Ashurst　gazed　out　before　him　at　the　dark　sea；　as　if　spell…bound。　　He　got　up　at　last；　cramped　and　rather　chilly。　　There　was　no　longer　light　in　any　window。　　And　he　went　in　to　bed。

Out　of　a　deep　and　dreamless　sleep　he　was　awakened　by　the　sound　of　thumping　on　the　door。　　A　shrill　voice　called：

〃Hi！　Breakfast's　ready。〃

He　jumped　up。　　Where　was　he？　　Ah！

He　found　them　already　eating　marmalade；　and　sat　down　in　the　empty　place　between　Stella　and　Sabina；　who；　after　watching　him　a　little；　said：

〃I　say；　do　buck　up；　we're　going　to　start　at　half…past　nine。〃

〃We're　going　to　Berry　Head；　old　chap；　you　must　come！〃

Ashurst　thought：　'Come！　　Impossible。　　I　shall　be　getting　things　and　going　back。'　　He　looked　at　Stella。　　She　said　quickly：

〃Do　come！〃

Sabina　chimed　in：

〃It'll　be　no　fun　without　you。〃

Freda　got　up　and　stood　behind　his　chair。

〃You've　got　to　come；　or　else　I'll　pull　your　hair！〃

Ashurst　thought：　'Wellone　day　moreto　think　it　over！　　One　day　more！'　　And　he　said：

〃All　right！　　You　needn't　tweak　my　mane！〃

〃Hurrah！〃

At　the　station　he　wrote　a　second　telegram　to　the　farm；　and　then　tore　it　up；　he　could　not　have　explained　why。　　From　Brixham　they　drove　in　a　very　little　wagonette。　　There；　squeezed　between　Sabina　and　Freda；　with　his　knees　touching　Stella's；　they　played　〃Up；　Jenkins　〃；　and　the　gloom　he　was　feeling　gave　way　to　frolic。　　In　this　one　day　more　to　think　it　over；　he　did　not　want　to　think！　　They　ran　races；　wrestled；　paddledfor　to…day　nobody　wanted　to　bathethey　sang　catches；　played　games；　and　ate　all　they　had　brought。　　The　little　girls　fell　asleep　against　him　on　the　way　back；　and　his　knees　still　touched　Stella's　in　the　narrow　wagonette。　　It　seemed　incredible　that　thirty　hours　ago　he　had　never　set　eyes　on　any　of　those　three　flaxen　heads。　　In　the　train　he　talked　to　Stella　of　poetry；　discovering　her　favourites；　and　telling　her　his　own　with　a　pleasing　sense　of　superiority；　till　suddenly　she　said；　rather　low：

〃Phil　says　you　don't　believe　in　a　future　life；　Frank。　　I　think　that's　dreadful。〃

Disconcerted；　Ashurst　muttered：

〃I　don't　either　believe　or　not　believeI　simply　don't　know。〃

She　said　quickly：

〃I　couldn't　bear　that。　　What　would　be　the　use　of　living？〃

Watching　the　frown　of　those　pretty　oblique　brows；　Ashurst　answered：

〃I　don't　believe　in　believing　things　because　a　one　wants　to。〃

〃But　why　should　one　wish　to　live　again；　if　one　isn't　going　to？〃

And　she　looked　full　at　him。

He　did　not　want　to　hurt　her；　but　an　itch　to　dominate　pushed　him　on　to　say：

〃While　one's　alive　one　naturally　wants　to　go　on　living　for　ever；　that's　part　of　being　alive。　　But　it　probably　isn't　anything　more。〃

〃Don't　you　believe　in　the　Bible　at　all；　then？〃

Ashurst　thought：　'Now　I　shall　really　hurt　her！'

〃I　believe　in　the　Sermon　on　the　Mount；　because　it's　beautiful　and　good　for　all　time。〃

〃But　don't　you　believe　Christ　was　divine？〃

He　shook　his　head。

She　turned　her　face　quickly　to　the　window；　and　there　sprang　into　his　mind　Megan's　prayer；　repeated　by　little　Nick：　〃God　bless　us　all；　and　Mr。　Ashes！〃　　Who　else　would　ever　say　a　prayer　for　him；　like　her　who　at　this　moment　must　be　waitingwaiting　to　see　him　come　down　the　lane？　　And　he　thought　suddenly：　'What　a　scoundrel　I　am！'

All　that　evening　this　thought　kept　coming　back；　but；　as　is　not　unusual；　each　time　with　less　poignancy；　till　it　seemed　almost　a　matter　of　course　to　be　a　scoundrel。　　Andstrange！he　did　not　know　whether　he　was　a　scoundrel　if　he　meant　to　go　back　to　Megan；　or　if　he　did　not　mean　to　go　back　to　her。

They　played　cards　till　the　children　were　sent　off　to　bed；　then　Stella　went　to　the　piano。　　From　over　on　the　window　seat；　where　it　was　nearly　dark；　Ashurst　watched　her　between　the　candlesthat　fair　head　on　the　long；　white　neck　bending　to　the　movement　of　her　hands。　　She　played　fluently；　without　much　expression；　but　what　a　Picture　she　made；　the　faint　golden　radiance；　a　sort　of　angelic　atmosphere　hovering　about　her！　　Who　could　have　passionate　thoughts　or　wild　desires　in　the　presence　of　that　swaying；　white…clothed　girl　with　the　seraphic　head？　She　played　a　thing　of　Schumann's　called　〃Warum？〃　　Then　Halliday　brought　out　a　flute；　and　the　spell　was　broken。　　After　this　they　made　Ashurst　sing；　Stella　playing　him　accompaniments　from　a　book　of　Schumann　songs；　till；　in　the　middle　of　〃Ich　grolle　nicht；〃　two　small　figures　clad　in　blue　dressing…gowns　crept　in　and　tried　to　conceal　themselves　beneath　the　piano。　　The　evening　broke　up　in　confusion；　and　what　Sabina　called　〃a　splendid　rag。〃

That　night　Ashurst　hardly　slept　at　all。　　He　was　thinking；　tossing　and　turning。　　The　intense　domestic　intimacy　of　these　last　two　days；　the　strength　of　this　Halliday　atmosphere；　seemed　to　ring　him　round；　and　make　the　farm　and　Meganeven　Meganseem　unreal。　　Had　he　really　made　love　to　herreally　promised　to　take　her　away　to　live　with　him？　　He　must　have　been　bewitched　by　the　spring；　the　night；　the　apple　blossom！　This　May　madness　could　but　destroy　them　both！　　The　notion　that　he　was　going　to　make　her　his　mistressthat　simple　child　not　yet　eighteen　now　filled　him　with　a　sort　of　horror；　even　while　it　still　stung　and　whipped　his　blood。　　He　muttered　to　himself：　〃It's　awful；　what　I've　doneawful！〃　　And　the　sound　of　Schumann's　music　throbbed　and　mingled　with　his　fevered　thoughts；　and　he　saw　again　Stella's　cool；　white；　fair…haired　figure　and　bending　neck；　the　queer；　angelic　radiance　about　her。　　'I　must　have　beenI　must　be…mad！'　he　thought。　　'What　came　into　me？　　Poor　little　Megan！'　　〃God　bless　us　all；　and　Mr。　Ashes！〃　　〃I　want　to　be　with　youonly　to　be　with　you！〃　　And　burying　his　face　in　his　pillow；　he　smothered　down　a　fit　of　sobbing。　　Not　to　go　back　was　awful！　　To　go　backmore　awful　still！

Emotion；　when　you　are　young；　and　give　real　vent　to　it；　loses　its　power　of　torture。　　And　he　fell　asleep；　thinking：　'What　was　ita　few　kissesall　forgotten　in　a　month！'

Next　morning　he　got　his　cheque　cashed；　but　avoided　the　shop　of　the　dove…grey　dress　like　the　plague；　and；　instead；　bought　himself　some　necessaries。　　He　spent　the　whole　day　in　a　queer　mood；　cherishing　a　kind　of　sullenness　against　himself。　　Instead　of　the　hankering　of　the　last　two　days；　he　felt　nothing　but　a　blankall　passionate　longing　gone；　as　if　quenched　in　that　outburst　of　tears。　　After　tea　Stella　put　a　book　down　beside　him；　and　said　shyly：

〃Have　you　read　that；　Frank？〃

It　was　Farrar's　〃Life　of　Christ。〃　　Ashurst　smiled。　　Her　anxiety　about　his　beliefs　seemed　to　him　comic；　but　touching。　　Infectious　too；　perhaps；　for　he　began　to　have　an　itch　to　justify　himself；　if　not　to　convert　her。　　And　in　the　evening；　when　the　children　and　Halliday　were　mending　their　shrimping　nets；　he　said：

〃At　the　back　of　orthodox　religion；　so　far　as　I　can　see；　there's　always　the　idea　of　rewardwhat　you　can　get　for　being　good；　a　kind　of　begging　for　favours。　　I　think　it　all　starts　in　fear。〃

She　was　sitting　on　the　sofa　making　reefer　knots　with　a　bit　of　string。　She　looked　up　quickly：

〃I　think　it's　much　deeper　than　that。〃

Ashurst　felt　again　that　wish　to　dominate。

〃You　think　so；〃　he　said；　〃but　wanting　the　'quid　pro　quo'　is　about　the　deepest　thing　in　all　of　us！　　It's　jolly　hard　to　get　to　the　bottom　of　it！〃

She　wrinkled　her　brows　in　a　puzzled　frown。

〃I　don't　think　I　understand。〃

He　went　on　obstinately：

〃Well；　think；　and　see　if　the　most　religious　people　aren't　those　who　feel　that　this　life　doesn't　give　them　all　they　want。　　I　believe　in　being　good　because　to　be　good　is　good　in　itself。〃

〃Then　you　do　believe　in　being　good？〃

How　pretty　she　looked　nowit　was　easy　to　be　good　with　her！　　And　he　nodded　and　said：

〃I　say；　show　me　how　to　make　that　knot！〃

With　her　fingers　touching　his；　in　manoeuvring　the　bit　of　string；　he　felt　soothed　and　happy。　　And　when　he　went　to　bed　he　wilfully　kept　his　thoughts　on　her；　wrapping　himself　in　her　fair；　cool　sisterly　radiance；　as　in　some　garment　of　protection。

Next　day　he　found　they　had　arranged　to　go　by　train　to　Totnes；　and　picnic　at　Berry　Pomeroy　Castle。　　Still　in　that　resolute　oblivion　of　the　past；　he