01-the kreutzer sonata-第21节

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inner　sense；　had　an　extraordinary　clearness。　　I　perceived　the

resistance　of　the　corset　and　then　something　else；　and　then　the

sinking　of　the　knife　into　a　soft　substance。　　She　clutched　at　the

dagger　with　her　hands；　and　cut　herself　with　it；　but　could　not

restrain　the　blow。



〃Long　afterward；　in　prison　when　the　moral　revolution　had　been

effected　within　me；　I　thought　of　that　minute；　I　remembered　it　as

far　as　I　could；　and　I　co…ordinated　all　the　sudden　changes。　　I

remembered　the　terrible　consciousness　which　I　felt；that　I　was

killing　a　wife；　MY　wife。



〃I　well　remember　the　horror　of　that　consciousness　and　I　know

vaguely　that；　having　plunged　in　the　dagger；　I　drew　it　out　again

immediately；　wishing　to　repair　and　arrest　my　action。　　She

straightened　up　and　cried：



〃'Nurse；　he　has　killed　me！'



〃The　old　nurse；　who　had　heard　the　noise；　was　standing　in　the

doorway。　　I　was　still　erect；　waiting；　and　not　believing　myself　in

what　had　happened。　　But　at　that　moment；　from　under　her　corset；

the　blood　gushed　forth。　　Then　only　did　I　understand　that　all

reparation　was　impossible；　and　promptly　I　decided　that　it　was　not

even　necessary；　that　all　had　happened　in　accordance　with　my　wish；

and　that　I　had　fulfilled　my　desire。　　I　waited　until　she　fell；　and

until　the　nurse；　exclaiming；　'Oh；　my　God！'　ran　to　her；　then　only

I　threw　away　the　dagger　and　went　out　of　the　room。



〃'I　must　not　be　agitated。　　I　must　be　conscious　of　what　I　am

doing；'　I　said　to　myself；　looking　neither　at　her　nor　at　the　old

nurse。　　The　latter　cried　and　called　the　maid。　　I　passed　through

the　hall；　and；　after　having　sent　the　maid；　started　for　my　study。



〃'What　shall　I　do　now？'　I　asked　myself。



〃And　immediately　I　understood　what　I　should　do。　　Directly　after

entering　the　study；　I　went　straight　to　the　wall；　took　down　the

revolver；　and　examined　it　attentively。　　It　was　loaded。　　Then　I

placed　it　on　the　table。　　Next　I　picked　up　the　sheath　of　the

dagger；　which　had　dropped　down　behind　the　sofa；　and　then　I　sat

down。　　I　remained　thus　for　a　long　time。　　I　thought　of　nothing；　I

did　not　try　to　remember　anything。　　I　heard　a　stifled　noise　of

steps；　a　movement　of　objects　and　of　tapestries；　then　the　arrival

of　a　person；　and　then　the　arrival　of　another　person。　　Then　I　saw

Gregor　bring　into　my　room　the　baggage　from　the　railway；　as　if　any

one　needed　it！



〃'Have　you　heard　what　has　happened？'　I　asked　him。　　'Have　you　told

the　dvornik　to　inform　the　police？'



〃He　made　no　answer；　and　went　out。　　I　rose；　closed　the　door；　took

the　cigarettes　and　the　matches；　and　began　to　smoke。　　I　had　not

finished　one　cigarette；　when　a　drowsy　feeling　came　over　me　and

sent　me　into　a　deep　sleep。　　I　surely　slept　two　hours。　　I　remember

having　dreamed　that　I　was　on　good　terms　with　her；　that　after　a

quarrel　we　were　in　the　act　of　making　up；　that　something　prevented

us；　but　that　we　were　friends　all　the　same。



〃A　knock　at　the　door　awoke　me。



〃'It　is　the　police；'　thought　I；　as　I　opened　my　eyes。　　'I　have

killed；　I　believe。　　But　perhaps　it　is　SHE；　perhaps　nothing　has

happened。'



〃Another　knock。　　I　did　not　answer。　　I　was　solving　the　question：

'Has　it　happened　or　not？　Yes；　it　has　happened。'



〃I　remembered　the　resistance　of　the　corset；　and　then。　。　。　。　

'Yes；　it　has　happened。　　Yes；　it　has　happened。　　Yes；　now　I　must

execute　myself；'　said　I　to　myself。



〃I　said　it；　but　I　knew　well　that　I　should　not　kill　myself。　

Nevertheless；　I　rose　and　took　the　revolver；　but；　strange　thing；　I

remembered　that　formerly　I　had　very　often　had　suicidal　ideas；

that　that　very　night；　on　the　cars；　it　had　seemed　to　me　easy；

especially　easy　because　I　thought　how　it　would　stupefy　her。　　Now

I　not　only　could　not　kill　myself；　but　I　could　not　even　think　of

it。



〃'Why　do　it？'　I　asked　myself；　without　answering。



〃Another　knock　at　the　door。



〃'Yes；　but　I　must　first　know　who　is　knocking。　　I　have　time

enough。'



〃I　put　the　revolver　back　on　the　table；　and　hid　it　under　my

newspaper。　　I　went　to　the　door　and　drew　back　the　bolt。



〃It　was　my　wife's　sister；a　good　and　stupid　widow。



〃'Basile；　what　does　this　mean？'　said　she；　and　her　tears；　always

ready；　began　to　flow。



〃'What　do　you　want？'　I　asked　roughly。



〃I　saw　clearly　that　there　was　no　necessity　of　being　rough　with

her；　but　I　could　not　speak　in　any　other　tone。



〃'Basile；　she　is　dying。　　Ivan　Fedorowitch　says　so。'



〃Ivan　Fedorowitch　was　the　doctor；　HER　doctor；　her　counsellor。



〃'Is　he　here？'　I　inquired。



〃And　all　my　hatred　of　her　arose　anew。



〃Well；　what？



〃'Basile；　go　to　her！　　Ah！　how　terrible　it　is！'　said　she。



〃'Go　to　her？'　I　asked　myself；　and　immediately　I　made　answer　to

myself　that　I　ought　to　go；　that　probably　that　was　the　thing　that

is　usually　done　when　a　husband　like　myself　kills　his　wife；　that

it　was　absolutely　necessary　that　I　should　go　and　see　her。



〃'If　that　is　the　proper　thing；　I　must　go；'　I　repeated　to　myself。　

'Yes；　if　it　is　necessary；　I　shall　still　have　time；'　said　I　to

myself；　thinking　of　my　intention　of　blowing　my　brains　out。



〃And　I　followed　my　sister…in…law。　　'Now　there　are　going　to　be

phrases　and　grimaces；　but　I　will　not　yield；'　I　declared　to

myself。



〃'Wait；'　said　I　to　my　sister…in…law；　'it　is　stupid　to　be　without

boots。　　Let　me　at　least　put　on　my　slippers。'



　　

CHAPTER　XXVIII。



〃Strange　thing！　　Again；　when　I　had　left　my　study；　and　was　passing

through　the　familiar　rooms；　again　the　hope　came　to　me　that

nothing　had　happened。　　But　the　odor　of　the　drugs；　iodoform　and

phenic　acid；　brought　me　back　to　a　sense　of　reality。



〃'No；　everything　has　happened。'



〃In　passing　through　the　hall；　beside　the　children's　chamber；　I

saw　little　Lise。　　She　was　looking　at　me；　with　eyes　that　were　full

of　fear。　　I　even　thought　that　all　the　children　were　looking　at

me。　　As　I　approached　the　door　of　our　sleeping…room；　a　servant

opened　it　from　within；　and　came　out。　　The　first　thing　that　I

noticed　was　HER　light　gray　dress　upon　a　chair；　all　dark　with

blood。　　On　our　common　bed　she　was　stretched；　with　knees　drawn　up。



She　lay　very　high；　upon　pillows；　with　her　chemise　half　open。　

Linen　had　been　placed　upon　the　wound。　　A　heavy　smell　of　iodoform

filled　the　room。　　Before；　and　more　than　anything　else；　I　was

astonished　at　her　face；　which　was　swollen　and　bruised　under　the

eyes　and　over　a　part　of　the　nose。　　This　was　the　result　of　the

blow　that　I　had　struck　her　with　my　elbow；　when　she　had　tried　to

hold　me　back。　　Of　beauty　there　was　no　trace　left。　　I　saw

something　hideous　in　her。　　I　stopped　upon　the　threshold。



〃'Approach；　approach　her；'　said　her　sister。



〃'Yes；　probably　she　repents；'　thought　I；　'shall　I　forgive　her？　

Yes；　she　is　dying；　I　must　forgive　her；'　I　added；　trying　to　be

generous。



〃I　approached　the　bedside。　　With　difficulty　she　raised　her　eyes；

one　of　which　was　swollen；　and　uttered　these　words　haltingly：



〃'You　have　accomplished　what　you　desired。　　You　have　killed　me。'



〃And　in　her　face；　through　the　physical　sufferings；　in　spite　of

the　approach　of　death；　was　expressed　the　same　old　hatred；　so

familiar　to　me。



〃'The　children　。　。　。　I　will　not　give　them　to　you　。　。　。　all　the

same。　。　。　。　　She　（her　sister）　shall　take　them。'　。　。　。



〃But　of　that　which　I　considered　essential；　of　her　fault；　of　her

treason；　one　would　have　said　that　she　did　not　think　it　necessary

to　say　even　a　word。



〃'Yes；　revel　in　what　you　have　done。'



〃And　she　sobbed。



〃At　the　door　stood　her　sister　with　the　children。



〃'Yes；　see　what　you　have　done！'



〃I　cast　a　glance　at　the　children；　and　then　at　her　bruised　and

swollen　face；　and　for　the　first　time　I　forgot　myself　（my　rights；

my　pride）；　and　for　the　first　time　I　saw　in　her　a　human　being；　a

sister。



〃And　all　that　which　a　moment　before　had　been　so　offensive　to　me

now　seemed　to　me　so　petty；all　this　jealousy；and；　on　the

contrary；　what　I　had　done　seemed　to　me　so　important　that　I　felt

like　bending　over；　approaching　my　face　to　her　hand；　and　saying：



〃'Forgive　me！'



〃But　I　did　not　dare。　　She　was　silent；　with　eyelids　lowered；

evidently　having　no　strength　to　speak　further。　　Then　her　deformed

face　began　to　tremble　and　shrivel；　and　she　feebly　pushed　me

back。



〃'Why　has　all　this　happened？　　Why？'



〃'Forgive　me；'　said　I。



〃'Yes；　if　you　had　not　killed　me；'　she　cried　suddenly；　and　her

eyes　shone　feverishly。　　'Forgivenessthat　is　nothing。　。　。　。　　If

I　only　do　not　die！　　Ah；　you　have　accomplished　what　you　desired！　

I　hate　you！'



〃Then　she　grew　delirious。　　She　was　frightened；　and　cried：



〃'Fire；　I　do　not　fear　。　。　。　but　strike　them　all　。　。　。　　He　has

gone。　。　。　。　　He　has　gone。'　。　。　。



〃The　delirium　continued。　　She　no　longer　recognized　the　children；

not　even　little　Lise；　who　had　approached。　　Toward　noon　she　died。　

As　for　me；　I　was　arrested　before　her　death；　at　eight　o'clock　in

the　morning。　　They　took　me　to　the　police　station；　and　then　to

prison；　and　there；　durin