01-the kreutzer sonata-第14节

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manners　an　external　and　artificial　gayety；　a　way；　you　know；　of

referring　to　everything　by　hints；　by　unfinished　fragments；　as　if

everything　that　one　says　you　knew　already；　recalled　it；　and　could

supply　the　omissions。　　Well；　he；　with　his　music；　was　the　cause　of

all。



〃At　the　trial　the　affair　was　so　represented　that　everything

seemed　attributable　to　jealousy。　　It　is　false；that　is；　not

quite　false；　but　there　was　something　else。　　The　verdict　was

rendered　that　I　was　a　deceived　husband；　that　I　had　killed　in

defence　of　my　sullied　honor　（that　is　the　way　they　put　it　in　their

language）；　and　thus　I　was　acquitted。　　I　tried　to　explain　the

affair　from　my　own　point　of　view；　but　they　concluded　that　I

simply　wanted　to　rehabilitate　the　memory　of　my　wife。　　Her

relations　with　the　musician；　whatever　they　may　have　been；　are　now

of　no　importance　to　me　or　to　her。　　The　important　part　is　what　I

have　told　you。　　The　whole　tragedy　was　due　to　the　fact　that　this

man　came　into　our　house　at　a　time　when　an　immense　abyss　had

already　been　dug　between　us；　that　frightful　tension　of　mutual

hatred；　in　which　the　slightest　motive　sufficed　to　precipitate　the

crisis。　　Our　quarrels　in　the　last　days　were　something　terrible；

and　the　more　astonishing　because　they　were　followed　by　a　brutal

passion　extremely　strained。　　If　it　had　not　been　he；　some　other

would　have　come。　　If　the　pretext　had　not　been　jealousy；　I　should

have　discovered　another。　　I　insist　upon　this　point；that　all

husbands　who　live　the　married　life　that　I　lived　must　either

resort　to　outside　debauchery；　or　separate　from　their　wives；　or

kill　themselves；　or　kill　their　wives　as　I　did。　　If　there　is　any

one　in　my　case　to　whom　this　does　not　happen；　he　is　a　very　rare

exception；　for；　before　ending　as　I　ended；　I　was　several　times　on

the　point　of　suicide；　and　my　wife　made　several　attempts　to　poison

herself。



　

CHAPTER　XX。



〃In　order　that　you　may　understand　me；　I　must　tell　you　how　this

happened。　　We　were　living　along；　and　all　seemed　well。　　Suddenly

we　began　to　talk　of　the　children's　education。　　I　do　not　remember

what　words　either　of　us　uttered；　but　a　discussion　began；

reproaches；　leaps　from　one　subject　to　another。　　'Yes；　I　know　it。　

It　has　been　so　for　a　long　time。'　。　。　。　　'You　said　that。'　。　。　。　

'No；　I　did　not　say　that。'　。　。　。　'Then　I　lie？'　etc。



〃And　I　felt　that　the　frightful　crisis　was　approaching　when　I

should　desire　to　kill　her　or　else　myself。　　I　knew　that　it　was

approaching；　I　was　afraid　of　it　as　of　fire；　I　wanted　to　restrain

myself。　　But　rage　took　possession　of　my　whole　being。　　My　wife

found　herself　in　the　same　condition；　perhaps　worse。　　She　knew

that　she　intentionally　distorted　each　of　my　words；　and　each　of

her　words　was　saturated　with　venom。　　All　that　was　dear　to　me　she

disparaged　and　profaned。　The　farther　the　quarrel　went；　the　more

furious　it　became。　　I　cried；　'Be　silent；'　or　something　like　that。



She　bounded　out　of　the　room　and　ran　toward　the　children。　　I　tried

to　hold　her　back　to　finish　my　insults。　　I　grasped　her　by　the　arm；

and　hurt　her。　　She　cried：　'Children；　your　father　is　beating　me。'　

I　cried：　'Don't　lie。'　　She　continued　to　utter　falsehoods　for　the

simple　purpose　of　irritating　me　further。　　'Ah；　it　is　not　the

first　time；'　or　something　of　that　sort。　　The　children　rushed

toward　her　and　tried　to　quiet　her。　　I　said：　'Don't　sham。'　　She

said：　'You　look　upon　everything　as　a　sham。　　You　would　kill　a

person　and　say　he　was　shamming。　　Now　I　understand　you。　　That　is

what　you　want　to　do。'　　'Oh；　if　you　were　only　dead！'　I　cried。



〃I　remember　how　that　terrible　phrase　frightened　me。　　Never　had　I

thought　that　I　could　utter　words　so　brutal；　so　frightful；　and　I

was　stupefied　at　what　had　just　escaped　my　lips。　　I　fled　into　my

private　apartment。　　I　sat　down　and　began　to　smoke。　　I　heard　her

go　into　the　hall　and　prepare　to　go　out。　　I　asked　her：　'Where　are

you　going？　　She　did　not　answer。　　'Well；　may　the　devil　take　you！'

said　I　to　myself；　going　back　into　my　private　room；　where　I　lay

down　again　and　began　smoking　afresh。　　Thousands　of　plans　of

vengeance；　of　ways　of　getting　rid　of　her；　and　how　to　arrange

this；　and　act　as　if　nothing　had　happened；all　this　passed

through　my　head。　　I　thought　of　these　things；　and　I　smoked；　and

smoked；　and　smoked。　　I　thought　of　running　away；　of　making　my

escape；　of　going　to　America。　　I　went　so　far　as　to　dream　how

beautiful　it　would　be；　after　getting　rid　of　her；　to　love　another

woman；　entirely　different　from　her。　　I　should　be　rid　of　her　if

she　should　die　or　if　I　should　get　a　divorce；　and　I　tried　to　think

how　that　could　be　managed。　　I　saw　that　I　was　getting　confused；

but；　in　order　not　to　see　that　I　was　not　thinking　rightly；　I　kept

on　smoking。



〃And　the　life　of　the　house　went　on　as　usual。　The　children's

teacher　came　and　asked：　'Where　is　Madame？　　When　will　she　return？'



The　servants　asked　if　they　should　serve　the　tea。　　I　entered　the

dining…room。　　The　children；　Lise；　the　eldest　girl；　looked　at　me

with　fright；　as　if　to　question　me；　and　she　did　not　come。　　The

whole　evening　passed；　and　still　she　did　not　come。　　Two　sentiments

kept　succeeding　each　other　in　my　soul；hatred　of　her；　since　she

tortured　myself　and　the　children　by　her　absence；　but　would

finally　return　just　the　same；　and　fear　lest　she　might　return　and

make　some　attempt　upon　herself。　But　where　should　I　look　for　her？　

At　her　sister's？　　It　seemed　so　stupid　to　go　to　ask　where　one's

wife　is。　　Moreover；　may　God　forbid；　I　hoped；　that　she　should　be

at　her　sister's！　　If　she　wishes　to　torment　any　one；　let　her

torment　herself　first。　　And　suppose　she　were　not　at　her　sister's。



Suppose　she　were　to　do；　or　had　already　done；　something。



〃Eleven　o'clock；　midnight；　one　o'clock。　。　。　。　I　did　not　sleep。　　I

did　not　go　to　my　chamber。　　It　is　stupid　to　lie　stretched　out　all

alone；　and　to　wait。　　But　in　my　study　I　did　not　rest。　　I　tried　to

busy　myself；　to　write　letters；　to　read。　　Impossible！　　I　was

alone；　tortured；　wicked；　and　I　listened。　　Toward　daylight　I　went

to　sleep。　　I　awoke。　　She　had　not　returned。　　Everything　in　the

house　went　on　as　usual；　and　all　looked　at　me　in　astonishment；

questioningly。　　The　children's　eyes　were　full　of　reproach　for　me。



And　always　the　same　feeling　of　anxiety　about　her；　and　of　hatred

because　of　this　anxiety。



〃Toward　eleven　o'clock　in　the　morning　came　her　sister；　her

ambassadress。　　Then　began　the　usual　phrases：　'She　is　in　a

terrible　state。　　What　is　the　matter？'　　'Why；　nothing　has

happened。'　　I　spoke　of　her　asperity　of　character；　and　I　added

that　I　had　done　nothing；　and　that　I　would　not　take　the　first

step。　　If　she　wants　a　divorce；　so　much　the　better！　　My

sister…in…law　would　not　listen　to　this　idea；　and　went　away

without　having　gained　anything。　　I　was　obstinate；　and　I　said

boldly　and　determinedly；　in　talking　to　her；　that　I　would　not　take

the　first　step。　　Immediately　she　had　gone　I　went　into　the　other

room；　and　saw　the　children　in　a　frightened　and　pitiful　state；　and

there　I　found　myself　already　inclined　to　take　this　first　step。　

But　I　was　bound　by　my　word。　　Again　I　walked　up　and　down；　always

smoking。　　At　breakfast　I　drank　brandy　and　wine；　and　I　reached　the

point　which　I　unconsciously　desired；　the　point　where　I　no　longer

saw　the　stupidity　and　baseness　of　my　situation。



〃Toward　three　o'clock　she　came。　　I　thought　that　she　was　appeased；

or　admitted　her　defeat。　I　began　to　tell　her　that　I　was　provoked

by　her　reproaches。　　She　answered　me；　with　the　same　severe　and

terribly　downcast　face；　that　she　had　not　come　for　explanations；

but　to　take　the　children；　that　we　could　not　live　together。　　I

answered　that　it　was　not　my　fault；　that　she　had　put　me　beside

myself。　　She　looked　at　me　with　a　severe　and　solemn　air；　and　said：

'Say　no　more。　You　will　repent　it。'　　I　said　that　I　could　not

tolerate　comedies。　　Then　she　cried　out　something　that　I　did　not

understand；　and　rushed　toward　her　room。　　The　key　turned　in　the

lock；　and　she　shut　herself　up。　　I　pushed　at　the　door。　　There　was

no　response。　　Furious；　I　went　away。



〃A　half　hour　later　Lise　came　running　all　in　tears。　　'What！　　Has

anything　happened？　　We　cannot　hear　Mamma！'　　We　went　toward　my

wife's　room。　　I　pushed　the　door　with　all　my　might。　　The　bolt　was

scarcely　drawn；　and　the　door　opened。　　In　a　skirt；　with　high

boots；　my　wife　lay　awkwardly　on　the　bed。　　On　the　table　an　empty

opium　phial。　　We　restored　her　to　life。　　Tears　and　then

reconciliation！　　Not　reconciliation；　internally　each　kept　the

hatred　for　the　other；　but　it　was　absolutely　necessary　for　the

moment　to　end　the　scene　in　some　way；　and　life　began　again　as

before。　　These　scenes；　and　even　worse；　came　now　once　a　week；　now

every　month；　now　every　day。　　And　invariably　the　same　incidents。　

Once　I　was　absolutely　resolved　to　fly；　but　through　some

inconceivable　weakness　I　remained。



〃Such　were　the　circumstances　in　which　we　were　living　when　the　MAN

came。　　The　man　was　bad；　it　is　true。　　But　what！　　No　worse　than　we

were。



　　

CHAPT