a personal record-第5节

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trip。　　It　may　be　that　it　was　simply　the　fulfilment　of　a　fate；　of



that　written　word　on　my　forehead　which　apparently　for　bade　me；



through　all　my　sea　wanderings；　ever　to　achieve　the　crossing　of



the　Western　Oceanusing　the　words　in　that　special　sense　in　which



sailors　speak　of　Western　Ocean　trade；　of　Western　Ocean　packets；



of　Western　Ocean　hard　cases。　　The　new　life　attended　closely　upon



the　old；　and　the　nine　chapters　of　〃Almayer's　Folly〃　went　with　me



to　the　Victoria　Dock；　whence　in　a　few　days　we　started　for　Rouen。　



I　won't　go　so　far　as　saying　that　the　engaging　of　a　man　fated



never　to　cross　the　Western　Ocean　was　the　absolute　cause　of　the



Franco…Canadian　Transport　Company's　failure　to　achieve　even　a



single　passage。　　It　might　have　been　that　of　course；　but　the



obvious；　gross　obstacle　was　clearly　the　want　of　money。　　Four



hundred　and　sixty　bunks　for　emigrants　were　put　together　in　the



'tween　decks　by　industrious　carpenters　while　we　lay　in　the



Victoria　Dock；　but　never　an　emigrant　turned　up　in　Rouenof



which；　being　a　humane　person；　I　confess　I　was　glad。　　Some



gentlemen　from　ParisI　think　there　were　three　of　them；　and　one



was　said　to　be　the　chairmanturned　up；　indeed；　and　went　from　end



to　end　of　the　ship；　knocking　their　silk　hats　cruelly　against　the



deck　beams。　　I　attended　them　personally；　and　I　can　vouch　for　it



that　the　interest　they　took　in　things　was　intelligent　enough；



though；　obviously；　they　had　never　seen　anything　of　the　sort



before。　　Their　faces　as　they　went　ashore　wore　a　cheerfully



inconclusive　expression。　　Notwithstanding　that　this　inspecting



ceremony　was　supposed　to　be　a　preliminary　to　immediate　sailing；



it　was　then；　as　they　filed　down　our　gangway；　that　I　received　the



inward　monition　that　no　sailing　within　the　meaning　of　our　charter



party　would　ever　take　place。







It　must　be　said　that　in　less　than　three　weeks　a　move　took　place。　



When　we　first　arrived　we　had　been　taken　up　with　much　ceremony



well　toward　the　centre　of　the　town；　and；　all　the　street　corners



being　placarded　with　the　tricolor　posters　announcing　the　birth　of



our　company；　the　petit　bourgeois　with　his　wife　and　family　made　a



Sunday　holiday　from　the　inspection　of　the　ship。　　I　was　always　in



evidence　in　my　best　uniform　to　give　information　as　though　I　had



been　a　Cook's　tourists'　interpreter；　while　our　quartermasters



reaped　a　harvest　of　small　change　from　personally　conducted



parties。　　But　when　the　move　was　madethat　move　which　carried　us



some　mile　and　a　half　down　the　stream　to　be　tied　up　to　an



altogether　muddier　and　shabbier　quaythen　indeed　the　desolation



of　solitude　became　our　lot。　　It　was　a　complete　and　soundless



stagnation；　for　as　we　had　the　ship　ready　for　sea　to　the　smallest



detail；　as　the　frost　was　hard　and　the　days　short；　we　were



absolutely　idleidle　to　the　point　of　blushing　with　shame　when



the　thought　struck　us　that　all　the　time　our　salaries　went　on。　



Young　Cole　was　aggrieved　because；　as　he　said；　we　could　not　enjoy



any　sort　of　fun　in　the　evening　after　loafing　like　this　all　day；



even　the　banjo　lost　its　charm　since　there　was　nothing　to　prevent



his　strumming　on　it　all　the　time　between　the　meals。　　The　good



Paramorhe　was　really　a　most　excellent　fellowbecame　unhappy　as



far　as　was　possible　to　his　cheery　nature；　till　one　dreary　day　I



suggested；　out　of　sheer　mischief；　that　he　should　employ　the



dormant　energies　of　the　crew　in　hauling　both　cables　up　on　deck



and　turning　them　end　for　end。







For　a　moment　Mr。　Paramor　was　radiant。　〃Excellent　idea！〃　but



directly　his　face　fell。　　〃Why　。　。　。　　Yes！　　But　we　can't　make　that



job　last　more　than　three　days；〃　he　muttered；　discontentedly。　　I



don't　know　how　long　he　expected　us　to　be　stuck　on　the　riverside



outskirts　of　Rouen；　but　I　know　that　the　cables　got　hauled　up　and



turned　end　for　end　according　to　my　satanic　suggestion；　put　down



again；　and　their　very　existence　utterly　forgotten；　I　believe；



before　a　French　river　pilot　came　on　board　to　take　our　ship　down；



empty　as　she　came；　into　the　Havre　roads。　　You　may　think　that　this



state　of　forced　idleness　favoured　some　advance　in　the　fortunes　of



Almayer　and　his　daughter。　　Yet　it　was　not　so。　　As　if　it　were　some



sort　of　evil　spell；　my　banjoist　cabin　mate's　interruption；　as



related　above；　had　arrested　them　short　at　the　point　of　that



fateful　sunset　for　many　weeks　together。　　It　was　always　thus　with



this　book；　begun　in　'89　and　finished　in　'94with　that　shortest



of　all　the　novels　which　it　was　to　be　my　lot　to　write。　　Between



its　opening　exclamation　calling　Almayer　to　his　dinner　in　his



wife's　voice　and　Abdullah's　（his　enemy）　mental　reference　to　the



God　of　Islam〃The　Merciful；　the　Compassionate〃which　closes　the



book；　there　were　to　come　several　long　sea　passages；　a　visit　（to



use　the　elevated　phraseology　suitable　to　the　occasion）　to　the



scenes　（some　of　them）　of　my　childhood　and　the　realization　of



childhood's　vain　words；　expressing　a　light…hearted　and　romantic



whim。







It　was　in　1868；　when　nine　years　old　or　thereabouts；　that　while



looking　at　a　map　of　Africa　of　the　time　and　putting　my　finger　on



the　blank　space　then　representing　the　unsolved　mystery　of　that



continent；　I　said　to　myself；　with　absolute　assurance　and　an



amazing　audacity　which　are　no　longer　in　my　character　now：







〃When　I　grow　up　I　shall　go　THERE。〃







And　of　course　I　thought　no　more　about　it　till　after　a　quarter　of



a　century　or　so　an　opportunity　offered　to　go　thereas　if　the　sin



of　childish　audacity　were　to　be　visited　on　my　mature　head。　　Yes。　



I　did　go　there：　THERE　being　the　region　of　Stanley　Falls；　which　in



'68　was　the　blankest　of　blank　spaces　on　the　earth's　figured



surface。　　And　the　MS。　of　〃Almayer's　Folly；〃　carried　about　me　as



if　it　were　a　talisman　or　a　treasure；　went　THERE；　too。　That　it



ever　came　out　of　THERE　seems　a　special　dispensation　of



Providence；　because　a　good　many　of　my　other　properties；



infinitely　more　valuable　and　useful　to　me；　remained　behind



through　unfortunate　accidents　of　transportation。　　I　call　to　mind；



for　instance；　a　specially　awkward　turn　of　the　Congo　between



Kinchassa　and　Leopoldsvillemore　particularly　when　one　had　to



take　it　at　night　in　a　big　canoe　with　only　half　the　proper　number



of　paddlers。　　I　failed　in　being　the　second　white　man　on　record



drowned　at　that　interesting　spot　through　the　upsetting　of　a



canoe。　　The　first　was　a　young　Belgian　officer；　but　the　accident



happened　some　months　before　my　time；　and　he；　too；　I　believe；　was



going　home；　not　perhaps　quite　so　ill　as　myselfbut　still　he　was



going　home。　　I　got　round　the　turn　more　or　less　alive；　though　I



was　too　sick　to　care　whether　I　did　or　not；　and；　always　with



〃Almayer's　Folly〃　among　my　diminishing　baggage；　I　arrived　at　that



delectable　capital；　Boma；　where；　before　the　departure　of　the



steamer　which　was　to　take　me　home；　I　had　the　time　to　wish　myself



dead　over　and　over　again　with　perfect　sincerity。　　At　that　date



there　were　in　existence　only　seven　chapters　of　〃Almayer's　Folly；〃



but　the　chapter　in　my　history　which　followed　was　that　of　a　long；



long　illness　and　very　dismal　convalescence。　　Geneva；　or　more



precisely　the　hydropathic　establishment　of　Champel；　is　rendered



forever　famous　by　the　termination　of　the　eighth　chapter　in　the



history　of　Almayer's　decline　and　fall。　　The　events　of　the　ninth



are　inextricably　mixed　up　with　the　details　of　the　proper



management　of　a　waterside　warehouse　owned　by　a　certain　city　firm



whose　name　does　not　matter。　　But　that　work；　undertaken　to



accustom　myself　again　to　the　activities　of　a　healthy　existence；



soon　came　to　an　end。　　The　earth　had　nothing　to　hold　me　with　for



very　long。　　And　then　that　memorable　story；　like　a　cask　of　choice



Madeira；　got　carried　for　three　years　to　and　fro　upon　the　sea。　



Whether　this　treatment　improved　its　flavour　or　not；　of　course　I



would　not　like　to　say。　　As　far　as　appearance　is　concerned　it



certainly　did　nothing　of　the　kind。　　The　whole　MS。　acquired　a



faded　look　and　an　ancient；　yellowish　complexion。　　It　became　at



last　unreasonable　to　suppose　that　anything　in　the　world　would



ever　happen　to　Almayer　and　Nina。　　And　yet　something　most　unlikely



to　happen　on　the　high　seas　was　to　wake　them　up　from　their　state



of　suspended　animation。







What　is　it　that　Novalis　says：　〃It　is　certain　my　conviction　gains



infinitely　the　moment　an　other　soul　will　believe　in　it。〃　　And



what　is　a　novel　if　not　a　conviction　of　our　fellow…men's　existence



strong　enough　to　take　upon　itself　a　form　of　imagined　life　clearer



than　reality　and　whose