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第21节

a personal record-第21节

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him on board for us not later than next day。







I had heard of these largesses before。  He conferred a goose as



if it were a sort of court decoration given only to the tried



friends of the house。  I had expected more pomp in the ceremony。 



The gift had surely its special quality; multiple and rare。  From



the only flock on the East Coast!  He did not make half enough of



it。  That man did not understand his opportunities。  However; I



thanked him at some length。







〃You see;〃 he interrupted; abruptly; in a very peculiar tone;



〃the worst of this country is that one is not able to realize 。 。



。 it's impossible to realize。 。 。 。〃  His voice sank into a



languid mutter。  〃And when one has very large interests 。 。 。



very important interests 。 。 。〃 he finished; faintly 。 。 。 〃up



the river。〃







We looked at each other。  He astonished me by giving a start and



making a very queer grimace。







〃Well; I must be off;〃 he burst out; hurriedly。  〃So long!〃







At the moment of stepping over the gang way he checked himself;



though; to give me a mumbled invitation to dine at his house that



evening with my captain; an invitation which I accepted。  I don't



think it could have been possible for me to refuse。







I like the worthy folk who will talk to you of the exercise of



free…will; 〃at any rate for practical purposes。〃  Free; is it? 



For practical purposes!  Bosh!  How could I have refused to dine



with that man?  I did not refuse; simply because I could not



refuse。  Curiosity; a healthy desire for a change of cooking;



common civility; the talk and the smiles of the previous twenty



days; every condition of my existence at that moment and place



made irresistibly for acceptance; and; crowning all that; there



was the ignorancethe ignorance; I saythe fatal want of fore



knowledge to counterbalance these imperative conditions of the



problem。  A refusal would have appeared perverse and insane。



Nobody; unless a surly lunatic; would have refused。  But if I had



not got to know Almayer pretty well it is almost certain there



would never have been a line of mine in print。







I accepted thenand I am paying yet the price of my sanity。  The



possessor of the only flock of geese on the East Coast is



responsible for the existence of some fourteen volumes; so far。 



The number of geese he had called into being under adverse



climatic conditions was considerably more than fourteen。  The



tale of volumes will never overtake the counting of heads; I am



safe to say; but my ambitions point not exactly that way; and



whatever the pangs the toil of writing has cost me I have always



thought kindly of Almayer。







I wonder; had he known anything of it; what his attitude would



have been?  This is something not to be discovered in this world。







But if we ever meet in the Elysian Fieldswhere I cannot depict



him to myself otherwise than attended in the distance by his



flock of geese (birds sacred to Jupiter)and he addresses me in



the stillness of that passionless region; neither light nor



darkness; neither sound nor silence; and heaving endlessly with



billowy mists from the impalpable multitudes of the swarming



dead; I think I know what answer to make。







I would say; after listening courteously to the unvibrating tone



of his measured remonstrances; which should not disturb; of



course; the solemn eternity of stillness in the leastI would



say something like this:







〃It is true; Almayer; that in the world below I have converted



your name to my own uses。  But that is a very small larceny。



What's in a name; O Shade?  If so much of your old mortal



weakness clings to you yet as to make you feel aggrieved (it was



the note of your earthly voice; Almayer); then; I entreat you;



seek speech without delay with our sublime fellow…Shadewith him



who; in his transient existence as a poet; commented upon the



smell of the rose。  He will comfort you。  You came to me stripped



of all prestige by men's queer smiles and the disrespectful



chatter of every vagrant trader in the Islands。  Your name was



the common property of the winds; it; as it were; floated naked



over the waters about the equator。  I wrapped round its



unhonoured form the royal mantle of the tropics; and have essayed



to put into the hollow sound the very anguish of paternityfeats



which you did not demand from mebut remember that all the toil



and all the pain were mine。  In your earthly life you haunted me;



Almayer。  Consider that this was taking a great liberty。  Since



you were always complaining of being lost to the world; you



should remember that if I had not believed enough in your



existence to let you haunt my rooms in Bessborough Gardens; you



would have been much more lost。  You affirm that had I been



capable of looking at you with a more perfect detachment and a



greater simplicity; I might have perceived better the inward



marvellousness which; you insist; attended your career upon that



tiny pin…point of light; hardly visible far; far below us; where



both our graves lie。  No doubt!  But reflect; O complaining



Shade! that this was not so much my fault as your crowning



misfortune。  I believed in you in the only way it was possible



for me to believe。  It was not worthy of your merits?  So be it。 



But you were always an unlucky man; Almayer。  Nothing was ever



quite worthy of you。  What made you so real to me was that you



held this lofty theory with some force of conviction and with an



admirable consistency。〃







It is with some such words translated into the proper shadowy



expressions that I am prepared to placate Almayer in the Elysian



Abode of Shades; since it has come to pass that; having parted



many years ago; we are never to meet again in this world。











V







In the career of the most unliterary of writers; in the sense



that literary ambition had never entered the world of his



imagination; the coming into existence of the first book is quite



an inexplicable event。  In my own case I cannot trace it back to



any mental or psychological cause which one could point out and



hold to。  The greatest of my gifts being a consummate capacity



for doing nothing; I cannot even point to boredom as a rational



stimulus for taking up a pen。  The pen; at any rate; was there;



and there is nothing wonderful in that。  Everybody keeps a pen



(the cold steel of our days) in his rooms; in this enlightened



age of penny stamps and halfpenny post…cards。  In fact; this was



the epoch when by means of postcard and pen Mr。 Gladstone had



made the reputation of a novel or two。  And I; too; had a pen



rolling about somewherethe seldom…used; the reluctantly



taken…up pen of a sailor ashore; the pen rugged with the dried



ink of abandoned attempts; of answers delayed longer than decency



permitted; of letters begun with infinite reluctance; and put off



suddenly till next daytill next week; as like as not!  The



neglected; uncared…for pen; flung away at the slightest



provocation; and under the stress of dire necessity hunted for



without enthusiasm; in a perfunctory; grumpy worry; in the 〃Where



the devil IS the beastly thing gone to?〃 ungracious spirit。 



Where; indeed!  It might have been reposing behind the sofa for a



day or so。  My landlady's anemic daughter (as Ollendorff would



have expressed it); though commendably neat; had a lordly;



careless manner of approaching her domestic duties。  Or it might



even be resting delicately poised on its point by the side of the



table…leg; and when picked up show a gaping; inefficient beak



which would have discouraged any man of literary instincts。  But



not me!  〃Never mind。  This will do。〃







O days without guile!  If anybody had told me then that a devoted



household; having a generally exaggerated idea of my talents and



importance; would be put into a state of tremor and flurry by the



fuss I would make because of a suspicion that somebody had



touched my sacrosanct pen of authorship; I would have never



deigned as much as the contemptuous smile of unbelief。  There are



imaginings too unlikely for any kind of notice; too wild for



indulgence itself; too absurd for a smile。  Perhaps; had that



seer of the future been a friend; I should have been secretly



saddened。  〃Alas!〃 I would have thought; looking at him with an



unmoved face; 〃the poor fellow is going mad。〃







I would have been; without doubt; saddened; for in this world



wher

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