the captives-第50节
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She pressed her hands tightly together。 〃I can convince him better；〃 she thought to herself； 〃if I'm very quiet and matter…of…fact。〃 So； speaking very calmly and not looking at him； she went on：
〃But； Martin； you promised last time that it would depend on me 。 。 。 You said that if I didn't mind your being married and was willing to take risks that we would go on together。 Well； I've thought all about it and I know that I'd rather be miserable with you than happy with any one else。 But then I shouldn't be miserable。 You seem to think you could make me miserable just as soon as you like。 But that depends on myself。 If I don't want to be miserable nobody can make me be。〃 She paused。 He moved a little closer and suddenly took her hand。
She drew it away and went on：
〃Don't think I'm inexperienced about this； Martin。 You say I know nothing about men。 Perhaps I don't。 But I know myself。 I know what I want； and I can look after myself。 However badly you treated me； it would be you that I was with all the time。〃
〃No； no； Maggie；〃 he answered； speaking rapidly and as though he were fiercely protesting against some one。 〃It isn't that at all。 You say you know yourselfbut then I know myself。 It isn't only that I'm a rotten fellow。 It is that I seem to bring a curse on every one I'm fond of。 I love my father； and I've come back and made him miserable。 It's always like that。 And if I made you miserable it would be the worst thing I ever did 。 。 。 I don't even know whether I love you。 If I do it's different from any love I've ever had。 Other women I'd be mad about。 I'd go for them whatever happened and got them somehow； and I wouldn't care a bit whether they were happy or no。 But I feel about you almost as though you were a mannot sensually at all； but that safe steady security that you feel for a man sometimes 。 。 。 You're so restful to be with。 I feel now as though you were the one person in the world who could turn me into a decent human being。 I feel as though we were just meant to move along together； but then some other woman would come like a fire and off I'd go 。 。 。 Then I'd hate myself worse than ever and be really finished。〃
Maggie looked at him。
〃You don't love me then； Martin？〃 she asked。
〃Yes I do；〃 he answered suddenly； 〃I keep telling myself that I don't； but I know that I do。 Only it's different。 It's as though I were loving myself； the better part of myself。 Not something new and wildly exciting； but something old that I had known always and that had always been with me。 If I went away now。 Maggie； I know I'd come back one dayperhaps years afterwardsbut I know I'd come back。 It's like that religious part of me； like my legs and my arms。 Oh！ it's not of my own comfort I'm doubting； but it's you！ 。 。 。 I don't want to hurt you； Maggie darling； just as I've hurt every one I loved〃
〃I'll come with you； Martin；〃 said Maggie； 〃as long as you want me； and if you don't want me； later you will again and I'll be waiting for you。〃
He put his arm round her。 She crept up close to him； nestled into his coat and put her hand up to his cheek。 He bent down his head and they kissed。
After that there could be no more argument。 What had he not intended to press upon her？ With what force arid power had he not planned to persuade her？ How he would tell her that he did not love her； that he would not be faithful to her； that he would treat her cruelly。 Now it was all gone。 With a gesture of almost ironic abandonment he flung away his scruples。 It was always so； life was stronger than he。 He had tried； in this at least； to behave like a decent man。 But life did not want him to be decent 。 。 。
And how he needed that rest that she gave him！ As he felt her close up against him； folded into him with that utterly naif and childish trust that had allured and charmed him on the very first occasion； he felt nothing but a sweet and blessed rest。 He would not think of the future。 He would not 。 。 。 HE WOULD NOT。 And perhaps all would be well。 As he pressed her closer to him； as he felt her lips suddenly strike through the dark； find his check and then his mouth； as he felt her soft confident hand find his and then close and fold inside it like a flower； he wondered whether this once he might not force things to be right。 It was time he took things in hand。 He could。 He must 。 。 。
He began to whisper to her：
〃Maggie darling 。 。 。 It mayn't be bad。 I'll find out where this other woman is and she shall divorce me。 I'll arrange it all。 And we'll go away somewhere where I can work； and we won't allow anybody to interfere。 After all； I'm older now。 The mess I've been in before is because I always make wrong shots 。 。 。〃
His words ceased。 Their hearts were beating too tumultuously together for words to be possible。 Maggie did not wish to speak； she could not。 She was mingled with him； her heart his； her lips his； her check his 。 。 。 She did not believe that words would come even though she wished for them。 She was utterly happyso utterly that she was； as it were； numb with happiness。 They murmured one another's names。
〃Martin。〃
〃Maggie！ 。 。 。〃
At last； dreaming； scarcely knowing what they did； like two children in a dark wood； they wandered towards home。
CHAPTER VIII
PARADISE
Maggie had never really been happy before。 She had of course not known this； her adventures in introspection had been very few； besides she had not known what happiness looked like； her father； her uncle； and her aunts were not exactly happy people 。 。 。
Now she flung herself without thought or care into a flood of happiness； and as sometimes occurs in life； she was granted by the gods； beneficent or ironic as you please； a period of security when everything menacing or dangerous withdrew and it seemed as though the whole world were in a conspiracy to cheat her into confidence。 She was confident because she did not think； she simply did not think at all。 She loved Martin and Martin loved her； cased in that golden armour； she confronted her aunts and the house and the world behind the house with a sublime and happy confidence。 She loved her aunts now； she loved Martha and the parrot and the cat； and she could not believe that they did not all love her。 Because Martin loved her the rest of the world must also do so； and if they did not she would compel them。
For three whole weeks the spell lasted； for three marvellous golden weeks。 When she looked back afterwards she wondered that she had not seen many things； warnings； portents； whatever you please to call them。 But for three weeks she saw nothing but Martin； and for three weeks he saw nothing but Maggie。
She began her career of defiance at once by informing Aunt Anne that she was now going out every morning to do her shopping。 Considering the confinement to the house that her life had always been； this was such a declaration of independence as those walls had never encountered before。 But Aunt Anne never turned one of her shining neatly ordered hairs。 〃Shopping； my dear？〃 she asked。 〃Yes；〃 said Maggie； looking her full in the face。 〃What sort of shopping； dear？〃 〃Oh； I don't know；〃 said Maggie。 〃There's always something every day。〃
Maggie had an uncomfortable feeling that her aunt had in some way mysteriously defeated her by this sudden abandonment of all protest； and for a moment the mysterious house closed around her； with its shadows and dim corners and the little tinkling Chapel hell in the heart of it。 But the thought of Martin dissolved the shadows； and off she went。
They agreed to meet every morning at eleven o'clock outside Hatchards； the bookseller's； in Piccadilly。 They chose that place because you could look into a bookseller's window for quite a long time without seeming odd； and there were so many people passing that no one noticed you。 Their habit then was to walk to the corner of the Green Park and there climb on to the top of a motor omnibus and go as far as they could within the allotted time。 Maggie never in after life found those streets again。 They had gone； she supposed； to Chelsea； to St。 John's Wood； to the heart of the city； to the Angel； Islington； to Westminster and beyond； but places during those three weeks had no names； streets had no stones； houses no walls； and human figures no substantiality。 They tried on one or two occasions to go by Tube； but they missed the swing of the open air； the rush of the wind； and their independence of men and women。 Often he tried to persuade her to stay with him for luncheon and the afternoon； but she was wiser than he。
〃No；〃 she said； 〃everything depends on keeping them quiet。 A little later on it will be lovely。 You must leave that part of it to me。〃
She promised him definitely that soon they should go to a matinee together； but she would not give her word about a whole evening。 In some strange way she was frightened of the evening； although she had already pledged her word to him on something much more final： 〃No；〃 she thought to herself； 〃when the moment comes for me to leave everything； I will go； but he shall know that I am not doing it cheaply； simply for an evening's fun。〃 He felt something of that too； and did not try to persuade her。 He hugged his unselfishness； for the first time in his life
