the captives-第39节
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led itself before her； on and on and on； grey limitless mist and space； comfortless； lifeless； hopeless。 She had been for many weeks leading a thoroughly unwholesome life in that old house with those old women。 She did not herself know how unhealthy it had been； but she knew that she missed the wide fields and downs of Glebeshire； the winds that blew from the sea round Borhedden； the air that swirled and raced up and down the little stony strata of St。 Dreot。 Now she had been kept indoors； had had no fun of any kind； had looked forward to Mr。 Magnus as her chief diversion。 Then Martin had come； and suddenly she had seen how dangerously her life was hemming her in。 She was losing courage。 She would soon be afraid to speak for herself at all； she would soon 。 。 。
In a panic at these thoughts； and feeling as though some one was trying to push her down into a coffin whilst she was still alive； she began hurriedly to speak； although she did not know whether her aunt were asleep or no。
〃I think I ought to tell you； Aunt Anne； that I wrote a letter some days ago and posted it myself。 It was to a lady who knew Father once in Glebeshire； and she said that if ever I wanted help I was to write to her； and soalthough perhaps I oughtn't to have done it without asking you first； still I was afraid you mightn't want me toso I sent it。 I wouldn't like to hurt your feelings； Aunt Anne； and it isn't that I'm not happy with you and Aunt Elizabeth； but I ought to be earning my own living； oughtn't I？ And I've only got my three hundred pounds； haven't I？ I'm not complaining； but I don't know about anything yet； do I？ I can't even find my way when I'm out with Aunt Elizabeth。 And I'm afraid I'll never be really good enough to be religious。 Perhaps if Father'd wanted me to be I might be now； but he never cared 。 。 。 I hope you won't be angry； Aunt Anne； but I didn't like to…nightI didn't really。 When I was there I thought that soon I'd begin to cry like the others； but it was only because every one else was cryingnot because I wanted to。 I hope you won't be angry； but I'm afraid I'll never be religious as you and Aunt Elizabeth want me to be； so don't you think it will be better for me to start learning something else right away？〃
Maggie poured all this out and then felt immense relief。 At last she was honest again； at last she had said what she felt； and they knew it and could never say that she hadn't been fair with them。 She felt that her speech had cleared the air in every kind of way。 She waited for her aunt's reply。 No sound came from the bed。 Had her aunt heard？ Perhaps she slept。 Maggie waited。 Then timidly； and softly she said：
〃Aunt Anne 。 。 。 Aunt Anne 。 。 。〃
No reply。 Then again in a whisper：
〃Aunt Anne 。 。 。 Aunt Anne 。 。 。〃
Supposing Aunt Anne 。 。 。 Maggie trembled； then； commanding herself to be calm； she bent towards the bed。
〃Aunt Anne； are you asleep？〃
Suddenly Aunt Anne's face was there； the eyes closed； the mouth； the cheeks pale yellow in the faint reflection from the lamp。 There was no stir； no breath。
〃Aunt Anne； Aunt Anne；〃 Maggie whispered in terror now。 Then she saw that her aunt was sleeping； very； very faintly the sheets rose and fell and the fingers of the hand on the coverlet trembled a little as though they were struggling to wake。
Then Aunt Anne had heard nothing after all。 But it might be that she was pretending； just to see what Maggie would say。
〃Aunt Anne；〃 whispered Maggie once more and for the last time。 Then she sat back on her seat again； her hands folded； staring straight in front of her。 After that she did not know for how long she sat there in a state somewhere between dream and reality。 The room； although it never lost its familiarity； grew uncouthly strange； shapes grey and dim seemed to move beneath the windows； humping their backs； spinning out into long limbs； hands and legs and gigantic fingers。 The deadest hour of the night was come； the outside world seemed to press upon the house； the whole world cold； thick； damp； lifeless； like an animal slain and falling with its full weight； crushing everything beneath it。 Perhaps she sleptshe did not know。 Martin seemed to be with her； and against them was Aunt Anne； her back against the door； her hands spread； refusing to let them pass。 The room joined in the struggle； the floor slipped beneath their tread； the curtain swayed forward and caught them in its folds； the lamp flickered and flickered and flickered 。 。 。
She was awake suddenly； quite acutely aware of danger。 She rubbed her eyes； turned； and in the dim shadow saw her aunt sitting up in bed； her body drawn up to its intensest height； her hands pressing down； flat upon the bed。 Her eyes stared as though they would break down all boundaries； but her lips trembled like the lips of a little child。
〃Aunt Anne； what is it？〃 Maggie whispered。
〃It's the pain〃 Her voice was far away as though some one were speaking from the passage outside the door。 〃It's the pain 。 。 。 I can't 。 。 。 much more 。 。 。〃
Maggie remembered what Martha had told her about the drops。 She found the little green bottle； saw the glass by the side of it。
Suddenly she heard Aunt Anne： 〃Oh no 。 。 。 Oh no！ God I can't 。 。 。 God； I can't 。 。 。 I can't。〃
Maggie bent over the bed； she put her hand behind her aunt's back and could feel the whole body quivering； the flesh damp beneath the night…dress。 She steadied her； then put the glass to her lips。
The cry was now a little whisper。 〃No more 。 。 。 I can 。 。 。 no more。〃 Then more softly still： 〃Thy will； oh Lord。 As thou wiltOur Father； which art in Heaven； Hallowed 。 。 。 Hallowed 。 。 。 Hallowed 。 。 。〃
She sank down on to her pillows。
〃Is it better？〃 Maggie asked。
Her aunt caught her hand。
〃You mustn't leave me。 I shan't live long； but you must stay with me until I go。 Promise me！ Promise me！〃
〃No； I can't promise；〃 said Maggie。
〃You must stay。 You must stay。〃
〃No I can't promise。〃 Then suddenly kneeling down by the bed she put her hand on the other's arm： 〃Aunt Anne； I'll do anything for you anythingto make you betterif I can help 。 。 。 but not a promise； I can't promise。〃
〃Ah； but you will stay；〃 Aunt Anne's whisper trembled with its certainty。
That seemed the climax of the night to Maggie then。 She felt that she was indeed held for eternity by the house； the Chapel； and something beyond the Chapel。 The scent of the medicine； the closeness of the room； the darkness and the sickness； seemed to close all about her 。 。 。 She was at the bottom of a deep well； and she would never get out； she would never get out 。 。 。
The door slowly； very softly opened； and old Martha looked in。
〃She's been very bad；〃 whispered Maggie。
〃Ay； I heard something。 That's why I came。 You gave her the drops？〃
〃Yes。〃
〃She'll sleep a bit now。 I'll take your place； Miss Maggie。 It's time you went back to your bed。〃
Maggie crept away。
She came down to breakfast to find the house bathed in sunlight and the parrot singing hoarsely 〃And her golden hair was hanging down her back。〃 Aunt Elizabeth was there； cheerful and almost merry in her bird…like fashion。 The world was normal； ghosts out of fashion； and this morning was the day on which the silver was cleaned。 This last was Maggie's business； and very badly she did it； never being 〃thorough；〃 and having a fatal habit of thinking of other things。 Porridge； eggs and bacon； marmalade
〃Andher golden hair was hanging〃 croaked Edward。
〃Your aunt won't come down this morning； Maggie。 She's much better。 The sun's shining。 A little walk will be a good thing。 I'll buy the calico that Anne talked about。 Your aunt's better。〃
Maggie felt ashamed of herself。 What desperate silly feelings had she allowed last night？ How much she had made of that service； and how weak she was to give way so easily！
〃I'll clean the silver；〃 she thought。 〃I'll do it better than ever〃… …but unfortunately she had a hole in her stocking； and Aunt Elizabeth； like a sparrow who has found a worm； told her about it。
〃Mr。 Crashaw's coming to tea this afternoon；〃 she concluded。
〃That's why Anne's staying in bedto be well enough。〃 The stocking and Mr。 Crashaw dimmed a little of the morning's radiance； but behind them was the thought； 〃Martin must come to…day。 It was like a message his look last night。〃 She even sang to herself as she scrubbed at the silver。
They spent a domestic morning。 Aunt Elizabeth did not go for her walk； but instead stayed in the dining…room and； seated at the end of the long dining…table； her head just appearing above the worn and soiled green table…cloth； tried to discipline the week's household accounts。 She worked sucking one finger after another and poking her pencil into her ears。
〃One pound； three shillingsham； ham； ham？〃
At one moment she invited the cook to assist her； and that lady； crimson from the kitchen fire； bared arms akimbo； stated that she was not only the most economical woman in London； but was also； thanks to her upbringing； one of the most sober and virtuous； and if Miss Cardinal had anything to say against
Oh no！ Aunt Elizabeth had nothing to say against； only this one pound； three shillings
Well； the cook couldn't help that； she wasn't one to let a p
