the captives-第34节
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She had abandoned so completely any idea that he might still come that she could not now feel that it was he。 She withdrew from her aunt's side and stood in the shadow against the wall。
Although her heart beat wildly her whole mind was bent upon composure； upon showing nothing to her aunts； and on behaving to him as though she scarcely knew him； but so soon as he entered the room some voice cried in her： 〃He is mine！ He is mine！〃 She did not stir from her wall； but her eyes fastened upon him and then did not move。 He was wearing the same clothes as yesterday； his tie was different； it had been black and now it was dark blue。 He looked quiet and self…possessed and at his ease。 His rough stiff hair was carelessly brushed as always； good…humour shone from his eyes； he smiled； his walk had the sturdy broad strength of a man who is absolutely sure of himself but is not conceited。 He seemed to have no trouble in the world。
He greeted the aunts； then shook hands with Maggie。 He gave her one glance and she； suddenly feeling that that glance had not the things in it that she had wanted； was frightened； her confidence left her； she felt that if she did not have a word alone with him she would die。
He sat down near Aunt Anne。
〃No； thank you； I won't have any tea；〃 he said。 〃We're dining very early to…night because Father and Amy have a meeting right away over Golders Green way somewhere。 It's really on a message from him that I came。〃
He did not look at her； placed like a square shadow against the dusky wall。 He sat； leaning forward a little； his red…brown hand on his knee； his leg bulging under the cloth of his trouser； his neck struggling behind his collarbut his smile was pleasant and easy； he seemed perfectly at home。
〃My father wonders whether you will mind some friends of Miss Avies sitting with you in your pew to…morrow evening。 She has especially askedtwo of them 。 。 。 ladies； I believe。 But it seems that there will be something of a crowd； and as your pew is always half empty He would not have asked except that there seems nowhere else。〃
Aunt Anne graciously assented。
〃But； of course； Mr。 Warlock； Maggie will be going with us； but still there will be room。 Mr。 Crashaw is going to speak after all； I hear。 I was afraid that he would have been too ill。〃
Martin laughed。 〃He is staying with us； you know； and already he is preparing himself。 He's about the oldest human being I've ever seen。 He must be a hundred。〃
〃He's a great saint；〃 said Aunt Anne。
〃He's always in a terrible temper though；〃 said Martin。 〃He mutters to himselfand he eats nothing。 His room is next to mine； and he walked up and down all night talking。 I don't know how he keeps alive。〃
Perhaps Aunt Anne thought Martin's tone irreverent。 She relapsed into herself and seemed suddenly； with a spiritual wave of the hand； to have dismissed the whole company。
Martin took his leave。 He barely touched Maggie's hand； but his eyes leapt upon hers with all the fire of a greeting too long delayed。 His lips did not move； but she heard the whisper 〃Soon！〃 Then he was gone。
Soon！ She felt as though she could not wait another instant but must immediately run after him； follow him into the street； and make clear his plans both for himself and her。
Then； continuing her struggle of the long day； she beat into herself endurance； she was in a new world； in a world with roads and cities； mountains； rivers； seas and forests that had to be traversed by her； to be learnt and remembered and conquered； and for the success of this she must have her own spirit absolutely aloof and firm and brave。 She loved him。 That must be enough for her； and meanwhile she need not lose her common sense and vision of everyday life 。 。 。But meanwhile it hurt。 She was now twice as lonely as she had been before because she did not know what he intended to do； and always with her now there was something strange and unknown that might at any moment be stronger than she。
But by next morning she had conquered herself。 She would see him at Chapel that night and perhaps have a word with him； and so already she had arrived at her now lover's calendar of dates and seasons。 There was the time before she would see him and the time afterno other time than that。
The trouble that weighed upon her most heavily was her deceitfulness to the aunts。 Fifty times that day she was on the edge of speaking and telling them all； but she was held back by the vagueness of her relations to Martin。 Were they engaged？ Did he even love her？ He had only kissed her。 He had said nothing。 No； she must wait； but with this definite sense of her wickedness weighing upon hernot wickedness to herself； for that she cared nothing； but wickedness to themshe tried； on this day； to be a pattern member of the household； going softly everywhere that she was told； closing doors behind her； being punctual and careful。 Unhappily it was a day of misfortune； it was one of Aunt Anne's more worldly hours and she thought that she would spend it in training Maggie。 Very goodbut Maggie dropped a glass into which flowers were to have been put； she shook her pen when she was addressing some envelopes so that some drops of ink were scattered upon the carpet； and； in her haste to be punctual； she banged her bedroom door so loudly that Aunt Anne was waked from her afternoon nap。
A scene followed。 Aunt Anne showed herself very human； like any other aunt justly exasperated by any other niece。
〃I sometimes despair of you； Maggie。 You will not think of others。 I don't wish to be hard or unjust； but selfishness is the name of your greatest weakness。〃
Maggie； standing with her hands behind her； a spot of ink on her nose and her short hair ruffled； was hard and unrepentant。
〃You must send me away；〃 she said； 〃I'm not a success here。 You don't like me。〃
Aunt Anne looked at Maggie with eyes that were clear and cold like deep unfriendly waters。 〃You mustn't say that。 We love you； but you have very much to learn。 To…night I shall speak to Miss Avies and arrange that you go to have a talk with her sometimes。 She is a wise woman who knows many things。 My sister and I are not strong enough to deal with you； and we are weakened perhaps by our love for you。〃
〃I don't want to go to…night；〃 Maggie said； then she burst out： 〃Oh； can't I lead an ordinary life like other girlsbe free and find things out for myself； not only go by what older people tell me earn my living and be free？ I've never lived an ordinary life。 Life with Father wasn't fair； and now〃
Aunt Anne put out her arm and drew her towards her。 〃Poor Maggie 。 。 。 Aren't you unfair to us？ Do you suppose really that we don't love you？ Do you think that I don't understand？ You shall be free； afterwards； if you wishperfectly freebut you must have the opportunity of learning what this life is first； what the love of God is； what the companionship of Him is。 If after you have seen you still reject it； we will not try to keep you。 But it is God's will that you stay with us for a time。〃
〃How do you know that it is God's will？〃 asked Maggie； melted nevertheless； as she always was by any sign of affection。
〃He has told me；〃 Aunt Anne answered； and then closed her eyes。
Maggie went away with a sensation of being tracked by some stealthy mysterious force that was creeping ever closer and closer upon her； that she could only feel but not see。 For instance； she might have said that she would not go to Chapel to…night； and she might have taken her stand upon that。 And yet she could not say that。 Of course she must go because she must see Martin； but even if she had known that he would not be there she would have gone。 Was it curiosity？ Was it reminiscence？ Was it superstition？ Was it cowardice？ Was it loneliness？ All these things； perhaps； and yet something more than they 。 。 。
All through the afternoon of the lovely November day she anticipated that evening's services as though it were in some way to be a climax。 She knew that it was to be for all of them an especial affair。 She had heard during the last days much discussion of old Mr。 Crashaw。 He was an old man with； apparently； a wonderful history of conversions behind him。 His conversions had been； it seemed； of the forcible kind； seizing people by the neck and shoving them in； he was a fierce and militant kind of saint； he believed； it seemed； in damnation and eternal hell fire； and could make you believe in them too； his accent was on the tortures rather than the triumphs of religion。
But Maggie had other thoughts； in this； outside Mr。 Crashaw。 She had never lost the force of that first meeting with Mr。 Warlock； she had avoided him simply because she was afraid lest he should influence her too much； but now after her friendship with Martin she felt that she could never meet old Mr。 Warlock frankly again。 What he would say to her if he knew that she meant to take his son away from him she knew well enough。 On every side there was trouble and difficulty。 She could not see a friend anywhere unless it was Caroline； whom she did not completely trust； and Mr。 Magnus； whom her deception of her aunt would； she knew； most deeply distress。 Meanwhile she was being pushed forward more and more into the especial religious atmospher
