the captives-第22节

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feel　about　everything　。　。　。〃

〃Well；　fatherI　don't　know。　One　hadn't　much　time　for　thinking；　you　know。　No　one　did　much　thinking　in　Rio。　When　I　was　in　the　Bermudas　there　was　a　fellow　。　。　。〃

〃Yes；　but　tell　me　about　yourself。〃

Then；　with　a　desperate　effort；　he　broke　out：

〃Father；　you'll　be　badly　disappointed　in　me。　I've　been　feeling　it　coming　all　the　time。　I　can't　help　it。　I'm　just　like　any　one　else。　I　want　to　have　a　good　time。　One's　only　young　once。　I'm　awfully　sorry。　I　want　to　please　you　in　any　way　I　can；　butbutit's　all　goneall　that　early　part。　It's　simply　one's　childhood　that's　finished　with。〃

〃And　it　can't　come　back　？〃　his　father　said　quietly。

〃Never！〃　Martin's　voice　was　almost　a　cry　as　though　he　were　defying　something。

〃We　are　very　weak　against　God's　will；〃　his　father　said；　still　quietly　as　though　it　were　not　he　that　was　speaking　but　some　voice　in　the　shadow　behind　him。　〃You　are　not　your　own　master；　Martin。〃

〃I　am　my　own　master；〃　Martin　answered　passionately。　〃I　have　been　my　own　master　for　ten　years。　I've　not　done　anything　very　fine　with　my　life；　I　know。　I'm　just　like　any　one　elsebut　I've　found　my　feet。　I　can　look　after　myself　against　anybody　and　I'm　independentof　every　one　and　of　everything。〃

His　father　drew　a　little　closer　to　him。

〃Of　course；〃　he　said；　〃I　was　not　so　foolish　as　to　expect　that　you　would　come　back　to　us　just　as　you　left　us。　I　know　that　you　must　have　your　own　lifeand　be　freeso　much　as　any　of　us　are　free　at　all　。　。　。〃　Then　after　a　little　pause。　〃What　are　your　plans？　What　are　you　going　to　do？〃

〃Well；〃　answered　Martin；　hesitating；　〃I　haven't　exactly　settled；　you　know。　I　might　take　a　small　share　in　some　business；　go　into　the　City。　Then　at　other　times　I　feel　I　shouldn't　like　being　cooped　up　in　a　town　after　the　life　I've　led。　Sometimes；　this　last　month；　I've　felt　I　couldn't　breathe。　It　was　though；　are　you；　all　the　chimneys　were　going　to　tumble　in。　When　you're　out　on　a　field　you　know　where　you　are；　don't　you？　So　I've　thought　it　would　be　nice　to　have　a　little　farm　somewhere　in　the　South；　Devonshire　or　Glebeshire　。　。　。　And　then　I'd　marry　of　course；　a　girl　who'd　like　that　kind　of　life　and　wouldn't　find　it　dull。　There'd　be　plenty　of　worka　healthy　life　for　children　right　away　from　these　towns　。　。　。　That's　my　sort　of　idea；　father；　but　of　course　one　doesn't　know　。　。　。〃

Martin　trailed　off　into　inconsequent　words。　It　was　as　though　his　father　were　waiting　for　him　to　commit　himself　and　would　then　suddenly　leap　upon　him　with　〃There！　Now；　you've　betrayed　yourself。　I've　caught　you〃　and　he　had　simply　nothing　to　betray；　nothing　to　conceal。

But　anything　was　better　than　these　pauses　during　which　the　threats　and　anticipations　piled　up　and　up；　making　a　monstrous　figure　out　of　exactly　nothing　at　all。

It　was　not　enough　to　tell　himself　that　between　every　father　and　son　there　were　restraints　and　hesitations；　a　division　cleft　by　the　remembrance　of　the　time　when　one　had　commanded　and　the　other　obeyed。　There　were　other　elements　herefor　one　the　element　of　an　old　affection　that　had　once　been　at　the　very　root　of　the　boy's　soul　and　was　now　in　the　strangest　way　creeping　back　to　him；　as　an　old　familiar；　but　forgotten　form　might　creep　out　of　the　dark　and　sit　at　his　feet　and　clasp　his　knees。

〃Well；〃　said　John　Warlock。　〃That's　very　pleasant。　You　must　feel　very　grateful　to　your　aunt　Rachel；　Martin；　she's　given　you　the　opportunity　of　doing　what　you　like　with　your　life。　She　spoke　to　me　about　it　before　she　died。〃

〃She　spoke　to　you　about　it？〃

〃Yes。　She　told　me　that　she　did　it　because　she　wanted　to　bring　you　back　to　me。　She　knew　of　my　love　for　you。　We　often　talked　of　you　together。　She　was　a　faithful　servant　of　God。　She　believed　that　God　meant　to　bring　you；　through　her；　back　into　His　arms。〃

〃I　might　not　have　come；〃　Martin　said　with　a　sudden　anger　that　surprised　himself。　〃She　made　no　conditions。　I　might　have　gone　on　with　my　life　there　abroad。　I　am　free　to　lead　my　own　life　where　and　how　I　please。〃

〃Quite　free。〃　His　father　answered　gently。　〃But　she　knew　that　you　would　come。　Of　course　you　are　your　own　master；　Martin〃

〃No；　but　it　must　be　quite　clear；〃　Martin　cried；　the　excitement　rising　in　him　as　he　spoke。　He　leaned　forward　almost　touching　his　father's　chair。　〃I'm　not　bound　to　any　one　by　this　money。　It　was　awfully　jolly　of　Aunt　Rachel。　I'll　never　forget　herbut　I'm　free。　I　haven't　got　to　say　that　I　believe　things　when　I　don't；　or　that　I　think　things　that　she　thought　just　because　she　did　。　。　。　I　don't　want　to　hurt　you；　father；　but　you　know　that　it　must　have　seemed　to　me　pretty　odd　coming　back　after　all　these　years　and　finding　you；　all　in　the　same　place；　doing　the　same　things；　believing　in　the　same　thingsjust　like　years　ago。　I've　seen　the　world　a　bit；　I　can　tell　youRussia；　China；　Japan；　America；　North　and　South；　India。　You　believe　as　far　as　you　can　see。　What　are　you　to　think　when；　in　every　country　that　you　come　to；　you　see　people　believing　in　different　things？　They　can't　all　be　right；　you　know。〃

His　father　said　nothing。

〃But　each　thinks　he's　rightand　each　hates　the　other。　Then；　when　I　came　back　and　saw　a　fellow　like　that　man　Thurston　preaching　and　laying　down　the　law；　well；　it　seemed　odd　enough　that　any　one　could　be　taken　in　by　it。　I　hope　I　don't　hurt　you；　father　。　。　。　only　that's　what　you　want；　isn't　it　。　。　。　to　have　it　out　quite　plainly？　。　。　。〃

His　father；　still　very　gently　and　hesitating　as　though　he　found　it　difficult　to　catch　the　words　that　he　wished　（his　voice　had　still　the　remoteness　of　some　one　speaking；　who　was　far　from　them　both）；　said：

〃You'll　think　it　odd；　Martin；　when　you　know　how　often　I　have　to　preach　and　speak　in　public；　that　I　should　find　it　hard　to　talkbut　I　never；　with　any　man　alone；　could　find　words　easily。　I　know　so　little。　It　is　God's　punishment　for　some　selfish　nervousness　and　shyness　in　me；　that　even　now　when　I　am　an　old　man　I　cannot　speak　as　one　man　to　another。　There　was　once；　I　remember；　a　young　man　who　had　heard　me　preach　and　was　moved　by　my　words　and　begged　to　see　me　in　private。　He　came　one　evening；　he　was　tempted　to　commit　a　terrible　sin。　He　depended　upon　me　to　save　him　and　I　could　say　nothing。　I　struggled；　I　prayed；　but　it　was　incredible　to　me　that　any　man　could　be　tempted　to　such　a　thing。　I　spoke　only　conventional　words　that　meant　nothing。　He　went　away　from　me；　and　his　lost　soul　is　now　upon　me　and　will　always　be　。　。　。　but；　Martin；　what　I　would　say　beyond　everything　isdo　not　let　us　separate。　Be　free　as　you　must　be　free；　as　you　should　be　freebut　stay　with　meremain　with　me。　I　am　an　old　man；　I　have　longed　for　you　as　I　think　no　other　father　can　ever　have　longed　for　his　son。　They　tell　me　that　I　cannot　live　many　more　years。　God　chooses　His　time。　Be　with　me；　Martin；　for　a　little　while　even　though　I　may　seem　old　to　you　and　foolish。　Perhaps　things　will　come　back　to　you　that　you　have　long　forgotten。　You　were　once　pledged　and　it　was　a　vow　that　is　not　easily　removedbut　it　is　enough　for　the　present　if　you　will　be　with　me　a　little；　give　me　some　of　your　time　give　the　old　days　a　chance　to　come　back。〃　He　laid　his　hand　upon　his　son's。

The　sudden　touch　of　the　dry；　hot；　trembling　skin　filled　Martin's　heart　with　the　strangest　confusion　of　affection；　embarrassment　and　some　familiar　pathos。　In　just　that　way　ten　years　before　he　had　felt　his　father's　hand　and　had　thought：　〃How　old　he's　getting！　。　。　。　How　I　shall　miss　him！　。　。　。　I　hope　nothing　happens　to　him！〃　In　the　very　balance　of　his　father's　sentences　and　the　deliberate　choice　of　words　there　had　been　something　old…fashioned　and　remote　from　all　the　life　and　scramble　of　Martin's　recent　years。　Now　he　took　his　father's　hand　in　his　own　strong　grasp　and　said　gruffly：

〃That's　all　right；　father　。　。　。　I'm　not　going　while　you　want　me　。　。　。　You　and　I　。　。　。　always　。　。　。　it's　just　the　same　now。〃

But　even　as　he　spoke　he　felt　as　though　he　were　giving　some　pledge　that　was　to　involve　him　in　far　more　than　he　could　see　before　him。　Then；　with　a　happy　sense　that　the　sentimental　part　of　the　conversation　was　over；　he　began　to　talk　about　all　kinds　of　things。　He　let　himself　go　and　even；　after　a　while；　began　to　feel　the　whole　thing　really　jolly　and　pleasant。　His　father　wanted　waking　up。　He　had　been　here　so　long；　with　all　these　awful　frumps；　brooding　over　one　idea；　never　getting　away　from　this　Religion。

Martin　began　to　imagine　himself　very　cleverly　leading　his　father　into　a　normal　natural　life；　taking　him　to　see　things；　making　him　laugh；　it　would　do　his　health　a　world　of　good。

Then；　quite　suddenly；　the　old　man　said：

〃And　what　do　you　remember；　Martin；　of　the　old　days　here；　the　days　when　you　were　quite　small；　when　we　lived　in　Mason　Street？〃

What　did　Martin　remember？　He　remembered　a　good　deal。　He　was　surprised　when　he　began　to　think　。　。　。　〃Did　he　remember　。　。　。〃　his　father　suggested　a　scene；　a　dayyes；　he　remembered　that。　His　father　continued；　as　though　it　had　been　for　his　own　pleasure。

The　scenes；　the　hours　returned　with　a　vividness　and　actuality　that　thronged　the　room。

He　could　see　Mason　Street　with　its　grocer's　shop　at　the　corner；　its　Baths　and　Public　Library；　the　sudden　little　black　dips　into　the　areas　as　the　houses　followed　one　another；　the　lamp…post　opposite　their　window　that　had　always　excited　him　because　it　leaned　inwards　a　little　as　though　it　woul