the captives-第110节

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　of　himself。　He　said：　〃Well；　I've　tried　to　get　rid　of　her　and　she　won't　go。　That's　her　own　affair；　but　if　she　stays；　at　least　she　shall　see　me　as　I　am。　No　false　sentimental　picture。　I'll　cure　her。〃

It　was　the　oldest　trick　in　the　world；　but　to　Maggie　it　was　new　enough。　At　first　she　was　terrified。　In　spite　of　her　early　experience　with　her　father；　when　she　had　learnt　what　wickedness　could　be；　she　was　a　child　in　all　knowledge　of　the　world。　Above　all　she　knew　very　little　about　her　own　sex　and　its　relation　with　men。　But　she　determined　that　she　must　take　the　whole　of　Martin；　in　the　very　first　days　of　her　love　she　had　resolved　that；　and　now　that　resolution　was　to　be　put　to　the　test。　Her　terrified　fear　was　lest　the　things　that　he　told　her　about　himself　should　affect　her　love　for　him。　She　had　told　him　years　before：　〃It　isn't　the　things　you've　done　that　I　mind　or　care　about：　it's　you；　not　actions　that　matter。〃　But　his　actions　were　himself；　and　what　was　she　to　do　if　all　these　things　that　he　said　were　true？

Then　she　discovered　that　she　had　indeed　spoken　the　truth。　Her　love　for　him　did　not　change；　it　rather　grew；　helped　and　strengthened　by　a　maternal　pity　and　care　that　deepened　and　deepened。　He　seemed　to　her　a　man　really　possessed；　in　literal　fact；　by　devils。　The　story　of　the　lighted　house　was　the　symbol；　only　he；　in　the　bitterness　and　defiance　of　his　heart；　had　invited　the　guests；　not　been　surprised　by　them。

He　pretended　to　glory　in　his　narration；　boasting　and　swearing　what　he　would　do　when　he　would　return　to　the　old　scenes；　how　happy　and　triumphant　he　had　been　in　the　midst　of　his　filthbut　young　and　ignorant　though　she　was　she　saw　beneath　this　the　misery；　the　shame；　the　bitterness；　the　ignominy。　He　was　down　in　the　dust；　in　a　despair　furious　and　more　self…accusing　than　anything　of　which　she　had　ever　conceived。

Again　and　again；　too；　although　this　was　never　deliberately　stated；　she　saw　that　he　spoke　like　a　man　caught　in　a　trap。　He　did　not　blame　any　one　but　himself　for　the　catastrophe　of　his　life；　but　he　often　spoke；　in　spite　of　himself；　like　a　man　who　from　the　very　beginning　had　been　under　some　occult　influence。　He　never　alluded　now　to　his　early　days　but　she　remembered　how　he　had　once　told　her　that　that　〃Religion〃　had　〃got〃　him　from　the　very　beginning；　and　had　weighted　all　the　scales　against　him。　It　was　as　though　he　had　said：　〃I　was　told　from　the　very　beginning　that　I　was　to　be　made　a　fighting…ground　of。　I　didn't　want　to　be　that。　I　wasn't　the　man　for　that。　I　was　chosen　wrongly。〃

He　only　once　made　any　allusion　to　his　father's　death；　but　Maggie　very　soon　discovered　that　that　was　never　away　from　his　mind。　〃I　loved　my　father　and　I　killed　him；〃　he　said　one　day；　〃so　I　thought　it　wise　not　to　love　any　one　again。〃

Gradually　a　picture　was　created　in　Maggie's　mind；　a　picture　originating　in　that　dirty；　dark　room　where　they　were。　She　saw　many　foreign　countries　and　many　foreign　towns；　and　in　all　of　them　men　and　women　were　evil。　The　towns　were　always　in　the　hour　between　daylight　and　dark；　the　streets　twisted　and　obscure；　the　inhabitants　furtive　and　sinister。

The　things　that　those　inhabitants　did　were　made　quite　plain　to　her。　She　saw　the　dancing　saloons；　the　women　naked　and　laughing；　the　men　drunken　and　besotted；　the　gambling；　the　quarrelling；　drugging；　suicideall　under　a　half…dead　sky；　stinking　and　offensive。

One　day；　at　last；　she　laughed。

〃Martin；〃　she　cried；　〃don't　let's　be　so　serious　about　it。　You　can't　want　to　go　back　to　that　lifeit's　so　dull。　At　first　I　was　frightened；　but　now！why　it's　all　the　same　thing　over　and　over　again。〃

〃I'm　only　telling　you；〃　he　said；　〃I　don't　say　that　I　do　want　to　go　back　again。　I　don't　want　anything　except　for　you　to　go　away。　I　just　want　to　go　to　hell　my　own　fashion。〃

〃You　talk　so　much　about　going　to　hell；〃　she　said。　〃Why；　for　ten　days　now　you've　spoken　of　nothing　else。　There　are　other　places；　you　know。〃

〃You　clear　out　and　get　back　to　your　parson；〃　he　said。　〃You　must　see　from　what　I've　told　you　it　isn't　any　good　your　staying。　I've　no　money。　My　health's　gone　all　to　billyoh！　I　don't　want　to　get　better。　Why　should　I？　Perhaps　I　did　love　you　a　little　bitoncein　a　queer　way；　but　that's　all　gone　now。　I　don't　love　any　one　on　this　earth。　I　just　want　to　get　rid　of　this　almighty　confusion　going　on　in　my　head。　I　can't　rest　for　it。　I'd　finish　myself　off　if　I　had　pluck　enough。　I　just　haven't。〃

〃Martin；〃　she　said；　〃why　did　you　write　all　those　letters　to　me？〃

〃What　letters？〃　he　asked。

〃Those　that　Amy　stoppedthe　ones　from　abroad。〃

〃Oh；　I　don't　know；〃　he　looked　away　from　her。　〃I　was　a　bit　lonely；　I　suppose。〃

〃Tell　me　another　thing；〃　she　said。　〃These　weeks　I've　been　here　have　I　bored　you　？〃

〃I've　been　too　ill　to　tell　。　。　。　How　do　I　know？　Well；　no；　you　haven't。　You're　such　a　queer　kid。　You're　different　from　any　other　humanutterly　different。　No；　you　haven't　bored　mebut　don't　think　from　that　I　like　having　you　here。　I　don'tyou　remind　me　of　the　old　life。　I　don't　want　to　think　of　it　more　than　I　must。　You'll　admit　I've　been　trying　to　scare　you　stiff　in　all　I've　told　you；　and　I　haven't　scared　you。　It's　true；　most　of　it；　but　it　isn't　so　damned　sensational　as　I've　tried　to　make　it　。　。　。　But；　all　the　same；　what's　the　use　of　your　staying？　I　don't　love　you；　and　I'm　never　likely　to。　I've　told　you　long　ago　you're　not　the　sort　of　woman　to　attract　me　physically。　You　never　did。　You're　more　like　a　boy。　Why　should　you　ruin　your　own　life　when　there's　nothing　to　gain　by　it？　You　will　ruin　it；　you　know；　staying　on　here　with　me。　Every　one　thinks　we're　living　together。　Have　you　heard　from　your　parson？〃

〃Yes；〃　said　Maggie。

〃What　does　he　say？〃

〃He　says　I've　got　to　go　back　at　once。〃

〃Well；　there　you　are。〃

〃But　don't　you　see；　Martin；　I　shouldn't　go　back　to　him　even　if　I　left　you。　I've　quite　decided　that。　He'll　never　be　happy　with　me　unless　I　love　him；　which　I　can't　do；　and　there's　his　sister　who　hates　me。　And　he's　just　rooted　in　Skeaton。　I　can't　live　there　after　Uncle　Mathew！〃

〃Tell　me　about　that。〃

〃No；〃　she　said；　shrinking　back。　〃I'll　never　tell　any　one。　Not　even　you。〃

〃Now；　look　here；〃　he　went　on；　after　a　pause。　〃You　must　see　how　hopeless　it　is；　Maggie。　You've　got　nothing　to　get　out　of　it。　As　soon　as　I'm　well　enough　I　shall　go　off　and　leave　you。　You　can't　follow　me；　hunting　me　everywhere。　You　must　see　that。〃

〃Yes；　but　what　you　don't；　Martin；　see；〃　she　answered　him；　〃is　that　I've　got　some　right　to　think　of　my　own　happiness。　It's　quite　true　what　you　say；　that　if　you　get　well　and　decide　you　don't　want　to　see　me　I　won't　follow　you。　Of　course　I　won't。　Perhaps　one　day　you　will　want　me　all　the　same。　But　I'm　happy　only　with　you；　and　so　long　as　I　don't　bore　you　I'm　going　to　stay。　I've　always　been。　wrong　with　every　one　else；　stupid　and　doing　everything　I　shouldn't。　But　with　you　it　isn't　so。　I'm　not　stupid；　and　however　you　behave　I'm　happy。　I　can't　help　it。　It's　just　so。〃

〃But　how　can　you　be　happy？〃　he　said；　〃I'm　not　the　sort　for　any　one　to　be　happy　with。　When　I've　been　drinking　I'm　impossible。　I'm　sulky　and　lazy；　and　I　don't　want　to　be　any　better　either。　You　may　think　you're　happy　these　first　few　weeks；　but　you　won't　be　later　on。〃

〃Let's　try；〃　said　Maggie；　laughing。　〃Here's　a　bargain；　Martin。　You　say　I　don't　bore　you。　I'll　stay　with　you　until　you're　quite　well。　Then　if　you　don't　want　me　I'll　go　and　not　bother　you　until　you　ask　for　me。　Is　that　a　bargain？〃

〃You'd　much　better　not；〃　he　said。

〃Oh；　don't　think　I'm　staying；〃　she　answered；　〃because　I　think　you　so　splendid　that　I　can't　leave　you。　I　don't　think　you　splendid　at　all。　And　it's　not　because　I　think　myself　splendid　either。　I'm　being　quite　selfish　about　it。　I'm　staying　simply　because　I'm　happier　so。〃

〃You'd　much　better　not；〃　he　repeated。

〃Is　that　a　bargain？〃

〃Yes；　if　you　like；〃　he　answered；　looking　at　her　with　puzzled　eyes。　It　was　the　first　long　conversation　that　they　had　had。　After　it；　he　was　no　nicer　than　before。　He　never　kissed　her；　he　never　touched　her；　he　seldom　talked　to　her；　when　she　talked；　he　seemed　to　be　little　interested。　For　hours　he　lay　there；　looking　in　front　of　him；　saying　nothing。　When　the　little　doctor　came　they　wrangled　and　fought　together　but　seemed　to　like　one　another。

Through　it　all　Maggie　could　see　that　he　was　riddled　with　deep　shame　and　self…contempt　and　haunted；　always；　by　the　thought　of　his　father。　She　longed　to　speak　to　him　about　his　father's　death；　but　as　yet　she　did　not　dare。　If　once　she　could　persuade　him　that　that　had　not　been　his　fault；　she　could；　she　thought；　really　help　him。　That　was　the　secret　canker　at　his　heart　and　she　could　not　touch　it。

Strangely；　as　the　days　passed；　the　years　that　had　been　added　to　him　since　their　last　meeting　seemed　to　fall　away。　He　became　to　her　more　and　more　the　boy　that　he　had　been　when　she　had　known　him　before。　In　a　thousand　ways　he　showed　it；　his　extraordinary　youth　and　inexperience　in　spite　of　all　that　he　had　been　and　done。　She　felt　older　now　than　he　and　she　loved　him　the　more　for　that。　Most　of　all　she　longed　to　get　him　away　from　this　place　where　he　was。　Then　one　day　little　Abrams　said　to　her：

〃He'll　never　get　well　here。〃

〃That's　what　I　think；〃　she　said。

〃Can't　you　carry　him　off　somewhere？　The　country's　the　place　for　him…　…somewhere　in　the　South。〃

Her　heart　leapt。