the captives-第101节
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She began by asking Grace's question：
〃Paul； what are we going to do？〃
But she did not irritate him as Grace had done。 His one idea was to help her； unfortunately he had himself thought out nothing clearly。
〃Well； Maggie；〃 he answered； smiling； 〃I thought you might help me about that。 I want your advice。 I thoughtwell； as a matter of fact I hadn't settled anythingbut I thought that I might get a locum for a month or two and we might go abroad for a trip perhaps。 To Paris； or Venice； or somewhere。〃
〃And then come back？〃 she asked。
〃For a timeyescertainly；〃 he answered。
〃I don't think I can ever come back to Skeaton；〃 she said in a whisper； as though speaking to herself。 He could see that she was controlling herself and steadying her voice with the greatest difficulty。 〃Of course I must come； Paul； if you want me to。 It's been all my fault from the very beginning〃
〃Oh no；〃 he broke in； 〃it hasn't。〃
〃Yes； it has。 I've just spoilt your life and Grace's。 You were both very happy until I came。 I had no right to marry you when I didn't love you。 I didn't know then all I know now。 But that's no excuse。 I should have known。 I was younger than most girls are； though。〃
Paul said：
〃But Maggie； you're not to blame yourself at all。 I think if we were somewhere else than Skeaton it would be easier。 And now after what has happened〃
Maggie broke in： 〃You couldn't leave Skeaton； Paul。 You know you couldn't。 It would just break your heart。 All the work of your life has been hereeverything you've ever done。 And Grace too。〃
〃No； no； you're wrong；〃 said Paul vigorously。 〃A change is probably what I need。 I've been too long in the same place。 Time goes so fast that one doesn't realise。 And for Grace； too； I expect a change will be better。〃
〃And do you think；〃 said Maggie； 〃that Grace will ever live with me now in the same house when she knows that I've driven you from Skeaton？ Grace is quite right。 She's just to feel as she does about me。〃
〃Then Grace must go；〃 said Paul firmly； looking at Maggie and feeling that the one thing that he needed was that she should be in his arms and he kissing her。 〃Maggie； if we go away； you and I； right away from all of this； perhaps then you canyou will〃 he stopped。
She shook her head。 〃Never； Paul。 Never。 Do you know what I've seen this last week？ That I've left all those who really wanted me。 My aunts； very much they needed me； and I was selfish and wouldn't give them what they wanted； and tried to escape from them。 You and Grace don't need me。 Nobody wants anything here in Skeaton。 You're all full。 It isn't my fault； Paul； but everything seems to me dead here。 They don't mean anything they say in Church； and the Church doesn't mean anything either。 The Chapel was wrong in London too； but it was more right than the Church here is。 I don't know what religion is or where it is： I don't know anything now except that one ought to be with the people who want one and not with the people who don't。 Aunt wanted me and I failed her。 Uncle wanted me and III〃
She broke down； crying； her head in her arms。 He went over to her and put his arms around her。 At his touch she shrank a little； and when he felt that he went away from her and stood； silently； not knowing what to do。
〃Maggie； don'tdon't； Maggie。 I can't bear to hear you cry。〃
〃I've done all wrongI've done all wrong；〃 she answered him。 〃I've been wrong always。〃
His helplessness was intolerable。 He knew that she would not allow him to touch her。 He went out closing the door softly behind him。
CHAPTER X
THE REVIVAL
Maggie cried for a little while； then； slowly recovering； realised that she was alone in the room。 She raised her head and listened； then she dried her eyes and stood up； wondering what she should do next。
During the last week she had spent all her energy on one thing aloneto keep back from her the picture of Uncle Mathew's death。 That at all costs she must not see。 There it was； just behind her； hovering with all its detail； at her elbow。 All day and most of the night she was conscious of it there； but she would not turn and look。 Uncle Mathew was deadthat was all that she must know。 Aunt Anne was dead too。 Martin had written to her； and then； because she had not answered； had abandoned her。 Paul and Grace were to be driven out of Skeaton because of her。 Grace hated her； Paul would never love her unless she in return would love himand that she would never do because she loved Martin。 She was alone then。
She had made every one unhappyAunt Anne； Uncle Mathew； Paul； Grace； the best thing that she could do now was to go away and hide herself somewhere。
That； at least； she saw very clearly and she clung to it。 If she went away Paul and Grace need not leave Skeaton； soon they would forget her and be happy once more as they had been before she came。 But where should she go？ All her life she had depended upon her own self…reliance； but now that had left her。 She felt as though she could not move unless there was some one somewhere who cared for her。 But there was no one。 Katherine Mark。 No； she certainly could never go there again。 Behind all this was the constant preoccupation that she must not look； for an instant； at Uncle Mathew's death。 If she did everything would break 。 。 。 She must not。 She must not。 She must not。
She went up to her bedroom； took from their box Martin's letters and the ring with the three pearls； and the tattered programme。 She sat on her bed and turned them over and over。 She was bewildered and scarcely knew where she was。 She repeated again and again： 〃I must go away at once 。 。 。 I must go away at once。〃
Then as though moved by some compelling force that she did not recognise she fell on her knees beside the bed； crying： 〃Martin； Martin； I want you。 I don't know where you are but I must find you。 Martin； tell me where you are。 I'll go to you anywhere。 Martin； where are you？ Where are you？〃
It may not have been a vocal cry； perhaps she made no sound； but she waited； there on her knees； hearing very clearly the bells ringing for evening service and seeing the evening sun steal across her carpet and touch gently； the pictures on the wall。 Gradually as she knelt there； calm and reassurance came back to her。 She felt as though he； somewhere lost in the world； had heard her。 She laid her cheek upon the quilt of the bed and； for the first time since Uncle Mathew's death； her thoughts worked in connected order； her courage returned to her； and she saw the room and the sun and the trees beyond the window as real objects； without the mist of terror and despair that had hitherto surrounded her。
She rose from her knees as though she were withdrawing from a horrible nightmare。 She could remember nothing of the events of the last week save her talk with Paul that afternoon。 She could recall nothing of the inquest； nor whether she had been to Church； nor any scene with Grace。
〃So long as I'm alive and Martin's alive it's all right；〃 she thought。 She knew that he was alive。 She would find him。 She put away the things into the box again； she had not yet thought what she would do； but； in some way； she had received during those few minutes in her room a reassurance that she was not alone。
She went out into the spring dusk。 She chose the road towards Barnham Wood because it was lonely there and the hedges were thin； you could feel the breath of the sea as it blew across the sparse fields。 The hush of an English Sunday evening enfolded the road； the wood； the fields。 The sun was very low and the saffron light penetrated the dark lines of the hedges and hung like a curtain of misty gold before the approaches to the wood。 The red…brown fields rolled to the horizon and lay； like a carpet； at the foot of the town huddled against the pale sky。
She was near the wood； and could see the little dark twisted cone… strewn paths that led into the purple depths； when a woman came out of it towards her。 She saw that it was Miss Toms。 It seemed quite natural to see her there because it was on this same road that she had first met the lady and her brother。 Miss Toms also did not seem at all surprised。 She shook Maggie warmly by the hand。
〃You said that I wouldn't come often to see you；〃 said Maggie。
〃And it's been true。 Things have been more difficult for me than I knew at the time。〃
〃That's all right；〃 said Miss Toms。
〃But I ought to tell you；〃 said Maggie； 〃that although I haven't been to see you； I've felt as though you and your brother were my friends； more than any one in this place。 And that's been a great help to me。〃
They started to walk down the road together。
〃You've been in trouble；〃 said Miss Toms。 〃Of course I've heard about it。 I would have liked to come and see you but I didn't know how your sister…in…law would like it。〃
She put her arm through Maggie's。
〃My dear；〃 she said； 〃don't be discouraged。 Because Skeaton is dead it doesn't mean that all the world is。 And remember this。 The world's view of any one is never the right one。 I know that the world thinks my brother's mad； but I know that he's a lot saner than most people。 The world thinks your uncle was a rascal； but if you can remember one good thing he did you know he wasn't； and I'm sure y
