the sleeping-car - a farce-第3节
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with his lantern on his arm； enters the car； preceding a gentleman
somewhat anxiously smiling； his nervous speech contrasts painfully
with the business…like impassiveness of THE PORTER； who refuses； with
an air of incredulity； to enter into the confidences which the
gentleman seems reluctant to bestow。
MR。 EDWARD ROBERTS。 This is the Governor Marcy； isn't it？
THE PORTER。 Yes； sah。
MR。 ROBERTS。 Came on from Albany； and not from New York？
THE PORTER。 Yes； sah； it did。
MR。 ROBERTS。 Ah！ it must be all right。 I …
THE PORTER。 Was your wife expecting you to come on board here？
MR。 ROBERTS。 Well； no； not exactly。 She was expecting me to meet
her at Boston。 But I＇struggling to give the situation dignity； but
failing； and throwing himself； with self…convicted silliness； upon
THE PORTER'S mercy。＇ The fact is； I thought I would surprise her by
joining her here。
THE PORTER （refusing to have any mercy）。 Oh！ How did you expect to
find her？
MR。 ROBERTS。 WellwellI don't know。 I didn't consider。 ＇He
looks down the aisle in despair at the close…drawn curtains of the
berths； and up at the dangling hats and bags and bonnets； and down at
the chaos of boots of both sexes on the floor。＇ I don't know HOW I
expected to find her。
＇MR。 ROBERTS'S countenance falls； and he visibly sinks so low in his
own esteem and an imaginary public opinion that THE PORTER begins to
have a little compassion。＇
THE PORTER。 Dey's so many ladies on board _I_ couldn't find her。
MR。 ROBERTS。 Oh； no； no； of course not。 I didn't expect that。
THE PORTER。 Don't like to go routing 'em all up； you know。 I
wouldn't be allowed to。
MR。 ROBERTS。 I don't ask it； that would be preposterous。
THE PORTER。 What sort of looking lady was she？
MR。 ROBERTS。 Well； I don't know； really。 Not very tall； rather
slight； blue eyes。 II don't know what you'd call her nose。 And
stop！ Oh yes； she had a child with her； a little boy。 Yes！
THE PORTER （thoughtfully looking down the aisle）。 Dey was three
ladies had children。 I didn't notice whether dey was boys or girls；
or WHAT dey was。 Didn't have anybody with her？
MR。 ROBERTS。 No； no。 Only the child。
THE PORTER。 Well； I don't know what you are going to do； sah。 It
won't be a great while now till morning； you know。 Here comes the
conductor。 Maybe he'll know what to do。
＇MR。 ROBERTS makes some futile； inarticulate attempts to prevent The
PORTER from laying the case before THE CONDUCTOR； and then stands
guiltily smiling； overwhelmed with the hopeless absurdity of his
position。＇
THE CONDUCTOR （entering the car； and stopping before THE PORTER； and
looking at MR。 ROBERTS）。 Gentleman want a berth？
THE PORTER （grinning）。 Well； no； sah。 He's lookin' for his wife。
THE CONDUCTOR （with suspicion）。 Is she aboard this car？
MR。 ROBERTS （striving to propitiate THE CONDUCTOR by a dastardly
amiability）。 Oh； yes； yes。 There's no mistake about the carthe
Governor Marcy。 She telegraphed the name just before you left
Albany； so that I could find her at Boston in the morning。 Ah！
THE CONDUCTOR。 At Boston。 ＇Sternly。＇ Then what are you trying to
find her at Worcester in the middle of the night for？
MR。 ROBERTS。 WhyIthat is …
THE PORTER （taking compassion on MR。 ROBERTS'S inability to
continue）。 Says he wanted to surprise her。
MR。 ROBERTS。 Hayes； exactly。 A little caprice； you know。
THE CONDUCTOR。 Well； that may all be so。 ＇MR。 ROBERTS continues to
smile in agonized helplessness against THE CONDUCTOR'S injurious
tone； which becomes more and more offensively patronizing。＇ But _I_
can't do anything for you。 Here are all these people asleep in their
berths； and I can't go round waking them up because you want to
surprise your wife。
MR。 ROBERTS。 No； no； of course not。 I never thought …
THE CONDUCTOR。 My advice to YOU is to have a berth made up； and go
to bed till we get to Boston； and surprise your wife by telling her
what you tried to do。
MR。 ROBERTS （unable to resent the patronage of this suggestion）。
Well； I don't know but I will。
THE CONDUCTOR （going out）。 The porter will make up the berth for
you。
MR。 ROBERTS （to THE PORTER； who is about to pull down the upper berth
over a vacant seat）。 Ah！ ErII don't think I'll trouble you to
make it up； it's so near morning now。 Just bring me a pillow； and
I'll try to get a nap without lying down。
＇He takes the vacant seat。＇
THE PORTER。 All right； sah。
＇He goes to the end of the car and returns with a pillow。＇
MR。 ROBERTS。 Ahporter！
THE PORTER。 Yes； sah。
MR。 ROBERTS。 Of course you didn't notice； but you don't think you
DID notice who was in that berth yonder？
＇He indicates a certain berth。＇
THE PORTER。 Dat's a gen'leman in dat berth； I think； sah。
MR。 ROBERTS （astutely）。 There's a bonnet hanging from the hook at
the top。 I'm not sure； but it looks like my wife's bonnet。
THE PORTER （evidently shaken by this reasoning； but recovering his
firmness）。 Yes； sah。 But you can't depend upon de ladies to hang
deir bonnets on de right hook。 Jes' likely as not dat lady's took de
hook at de foot of her berth instead o' de head。 Sometimes dey takes
both。
MR。 ROBERTS。 Ah！ ＇After a pause。＇ Porter！
THE PORTER。 Yes； sah。
MR。 ROBERTS。 You wouldn't feel justified in looking？
THE PORTER。 I couldn't； sah； I couldn't； indeed。
MR。 ROBERTS （reaching his left hand toward THE PORTER'S； and pressing
a half dollar into his instantly responsive palm）。 But there's
nothing to prevent MY looking if I feel perfectly sure of the bonnet？
THE PORTER。 N…no； sah。
MR。 ROBERTS。 All right。
＇THE PORTER retires to the end of the car； and resumes the work of
polishing the passengers' boots。 After an interval of quiet； MR。
ROBERTS rises； and； looking about him with what he feels to be
melodramatic stealth； approaches the suspected berth。 He unloops the
curtain with a trembling hand； and peers ineffectually in； he
advances his head further and further into the darkened recess； and
then suddenly dodges back again； with THE CALIFORNIAN hanging to his
neckcloth with one hand。＇
THE CALIFORNIAN （savagely）。 What do you want？
MR。 ROBERTS （struggling and breathless）。 III want my wife。
THE CALIFORNIAN。 Want your wife！ Have _I_ got your wife？
MR。 ROBERTS。 Noahthat isah； excuse meI thought you WERE my
wife。
THE CALIFORNIAN （getting out of the berth； but at the same time
keeping hold of MR。 ROBERTS）。 Thought I was your WIFE！ Do I look
like your wife？ You can't play that on me； old man。 Porter！
conductor！
MR。 ROBERTS （agonized）。 Oh； I beseech you； my dear sir； don't
don't！ I can explain itI can indeed。 I know it has an ugly look；
but if you will allow me two wordsonly two words …
MRS。 ROBERTS （suddenly parting the curtain of her berth； and
springing out into the aisle； with her hair wildly dishevelled）。
Edward！
MR。 ROBERTS。 Oh； Agnes； explain to this gentleman！ ＇Imploringly。＇
Don't you know me？
A VOICE。 Make him show you the strawberry mark on his left arm。
MRS。 ROBERTS。 Edward！ Edward！ ＇THE CALIFORNIAN mechanically looses
his grip； and they fly into each other's embrace。＇ Where did you
come from？
A VOICE。 Centre door； left hand； one back。
THE CONDUCTOR （returning with his lantern）。 Hallo！ What's the
matter here？
A VOICE。 Train robbers！ Throw up your hands！ Tell the express…
messenger to bring his safe。
＇The passengers emerge from their berths in various deshabille and
bewilderment。＇
THE CONDUCTOR （to MR。 ROBERTS）。 Have you been making all this row；
waking up my passengers？
THE CALIFORNIAN。 No； sir； he hasn't。 I've been making this row。
This gentleman was peaceably looking for his wife； and I
misunderstood him。 You want to say anything to me？
THE CONDUCTOR （silently taking THE CALIFORNIAN'S measure with his
eye； as he stands six fret in his stockings）。 If I did； I'd get the
biggest brakeman I could find to do it for me。 I'VE got nothing to
say except that I think you'd better all go back to bed again。
＇He goes out； and the passengers disappear one by one； leaving the
ROBERTSES and THE CALIFORNIAN alone。＇
THE CALIFORNIAN （to MR。 ROBERTS）。 Stranger； I'm sorry I got you into
this scrape。
MR。 ROBERTS。 Oh； don't speak of it； my dear sir。 I'm sure we owe
you all sorts of apologies； which I shall be most happy to offer you
at my house in Boston； with every needful explanation。 ＇He takes out
his card； and gives it to THE CALIFORNIAN； who looks at it； and then
looks at MR。 ROBERTS curiously。＇ There's my address； and I'm sure we
shall both be glad to have you call。
MRS。 ROBERTS。 Oh； yes indeed。 ＇THE CALIFORNIAN parts the curtains
of his berth to re…e
