the sleeping-car - a farce-第1节
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The Sleeping…Car … A Farce
by William D。 Howells
I。
SCENE： One side of a sleeping…car on the Boston and Albany Road。
The curtains are drawn before most of the berths； from the hooks and
rods hang hats； bonnets； bags； bandboxes； umbrellas； and other
travelling gear； on the floor are boots of both sexes； set out for
THE PORTER to black。 THE PORTER is making up the beds in the upper
and lower berths adjoining the seats on which a young mother； slender
and pretty； with a baby asleep on the seat beside her； and a stout
old lady； sit confronting each otherMRS。 AGNES ROBERTS and her aunt
MARY。
MRS。 ROBERTS。 Do you always take down your back hair； aunty？
AUNT MARY。 No； never； child； at least not since I had such a fright
about it once； coming on from New York。 It's all well enough to take
down your back hair if it IS yours； but if it isn't； your head's the
best place for it。 Now； as I buy mine of Madame Pierrot …
MRS。 ROBERTS。 Don't you WISH she wouldn't advertise it as HUMAN
hair？ It sounds so pokerishlike human flesh； you know。
AUNT MARY。 Why； she couldn't call it INhuman hair； my dear。
MRS。 ROBERTS （thoughtfully）。 Nojust HAIR。
AUNT MARY。 Then people might think it was for mattresses。 But； as I
was saying； I took it off that night； and tucked it safely away； as I
supposed； in my pocket； and I slept sweetly till about midnight； when
I happened to open my eyes； and saw something long and black crawl
off my bed and slip under the berth。 SUCH a shriek as I gave； my
dear！ 〃A snake！ a snake！ oh； a snake！〃 And everybody began talking
at once； and some of the gentlemen swearing； and the porter came
running with the poker to kill it； and all the while it was that
ridiculous switch of mine； that had worked out of my pocket。 And
glad enough I was to grab it up before anybody saw it； and say I must
have been dreaming。
MRS。 ROBERTS。 Why； aunty； how funny！ How COULD you suppose a
serpent could get on board a sleeping…car； of all places in the
world！
AUNT MARY。 That was the perfect absurdity of it。
THE PORTER。 Berths ready now； ladies。
MRS。 ROBERTS （to THE PORTER； who walks away to the end of the car；
and sits down near the door）。 Oh； thank you。 Aunty； do you feel
nervous the least bit？
AUNT MARY。 Nervous？ No。 Why？
MRS。 ROBERTS。 Well； I don't know。 I suppose I've been worked up a
little about meeting Willis； and wondering how he'll look； and all。
We can't KNOW each other； of course。 It doesn't stand to reason that
if he's been out there for twelve years； ever since I was a child；
though we've corresponded regularlyat least _I_ havethat he could
recognize me； not at the first glance； you know。 He'll have a full
beard； and then I've got married； and here's the baby。 Oh； NO！ he'll
never guess who it is in the world。 Photographs really amount to
nothing in such a case。 I wish we were at home； and it was all over。
I wish he had written some particulars； instead of telegraphing from
Ogden； 〃Be with you on the 7 A。M。； Wednesday。〃
AUNT MARY。 Californians always telegraph； my dear； they never think
of writing。 It isn't expensive enough； and it doesn't make your
blood run cold enough to get a letter； and so they send you one of
those miserable yellow despatches whenever they canthose printed in
a long string； if possible； so that you'll be SURE to die before you
get to the end of it。 I suppose your brother has fallen into all
those ways； and says 〃reckon〃 and 〃ornary〃 and 〃which the same；〃 just
like one of Mr。 Bret Harte's characters。
MRS。 ROBERTS。 But it isn't exactly our not knowing each other；
aunty； that's worrying me； that's something that could be got over in
time。 What is simply driving me distracted is Willis and Edward
meeting there when I'm away from home。 Oh； how COULD I be away！ and
why COULDN'T Willis have given us fair warning？ I would have hurried
from the ends of the earth to meet him。 I don't believe poor Edward
ever saw a Californian； and he's so quiet and preoccupied； I'm sure
he'd never get on with Willis。 And if Willis is the least loud； he
wouldn't like Edward。 Not that I suppose he IS loud； but I don't
believe he knows anything about literary men。 But you can see；
aunty； can't you； how very anxious I must be？ Don't you see that I
ought to have been there when Willis and Edward met； so as toto
well； to BREAK them to each other； don't you know？
AUNT MARY。 Oh； you needn't be troubled about that； Agnes。 I dare
say they've got on perfectly well together。 Very likely they're
sitting down to the unwholesomest hot supper this instant that the
ingenuity of man could invent。
MRS。 ROBERTS。 Oh； do you THINK they are； aunty？ Oh； if I could ONLY
believe they were sitting down to a hot supper together now； I should
be SO happy！ They'd be sure to get on if they were。 There's nothing
like eating to make men friendly with each other。 Don't you know； at
receptions； how they never have anything to say to each other till
the escalloped oysters and the chicken salad appear； and then how
sweet they are as soon as they've helped the ladies to ice？ Oh；
thank you； THANK you； aunty； for thinking of the hot supper。 It's
such a relief to my mind！ You can understand； can't you； aunty dear；
how anxious I must have been to have my only brother and my onlymy
husbandget on nicely together？ My life would be a wreck； simply a
wreck； if they didn't。 And Willis and I not having seen each other
since I was a child makes it all the worse。 I do HOPE they're
sitting down to a hot supper。
AN ANGRY VOICE from the next berth but one。 I wish people in
sleeping…cars …
A VOICE from the berth beyond that。 You're mistaken in your
premises； sir。 This is a waking…car。 Ladies； go on； and oblige an
eager listener。
＇Sensation； and smothered laughter from the other berths。＇
MRS。 ROBERTS （after a space of terrified silence； in a loud whisper
to her AUNT。） What horrid things！ But now we really must go to bed。
It WAS too bad to keep talking。 I'd no idea my voice was getting so
loud。 Which berth will you have； aunty？ I'd better take the upper
one； because …
AUNT MARY （whispering）。 No； no； I must take that； so that you can be
with the baby below。
MRS。 ROBERTS。 Oh； how good you are； Aunt Mary！ It's too bad； it is
really。 I can't let you。
AUNT MARY。 Well； then； you must； that's all。 You know how that
child tosses and kicks about in the night。 You never can tell where
his head's going to be in the morning； but you'll probably find it at
the foot of the bed。 I couldn't sleep an instant； my dear； if I
thought that boy was in the upper berth； for I'd be sure of his
tumbling out over you。 Here； let me lay him down。 ＇She lays the
baby in the lower berth。＇ There！ Now get in； Agnesdo； and leave
me to my struggle with the attraction of gravitation。
MRS。 ROBERTS。 Oh； POOR aunty； how will you ever manage it？ I MUST
help you up。
AUNT MARY。 No； my dear； don't be foolish。 But you may go and call
the porter； if you like。 I dare say he's used to it。
＇MRS。 ROBERTS goes and speak timidly to THE PORTER； who fails at
first to understand； then smiles broadly； accepts a quarter with a
duck of his head； and comes forward to AUNT MARY'S side。＇
MRS。 ROBERTS。 Had he better give you his hand to rest your foot in；
while you spring up as if you were mounting horseback？
AUNT MARY （with disdain）。 SPRING！ My dear； I haven't sprung for a
quarter of a century。 I shall require every fibre in the man's body。
His hand； indeed！ You get in first； Agnes。
MRS。 ROBERTS。 I will； aunty dear； but …
AUNT MARY （sternly）。 Agnes； do as I say。 ＇MRS。 ROBERTS crouches
down on the lower berth。＇ I don't choose that any member of my
family shall witness my contortions。 Don't you look。
MRS。 ROBERTS。 No； no； aunty。
AUNT MARY。 Now； porter； are you strong？
PORTER。 I used to be porter at a Saratoga hotel； and carried up de
ladies' trunks dere。
AUNT MARY。 Then you'll do； I think。 Now； then； your knee； now your
back。 There！ And very handsomely done。 Thanks。
MRS。 ROBERTS。 Are you really in； Aunt Mary？
AUNT MARY （dryly）。 Yes。 Good…night。
MRS。 ROBERTS。 Good…night； aunty。 ＇After a pause of some minutes。＇
Aunty！
AUNT MARY。 Well； what？
MRS。 ROBERTS。 Do you think it's perfectly safe？
＇She rises in her berth； and looks up over the edge of the upper。＇
AUNT MARY。 I suppose so。 It's a well…managed road。 They've got the
air…brake； I've heard； and the Miller platform； and all those horrid
things。 What makes you introduce such unpleasant subjects？
MRS。 ROBERTS。 Oh； I don't mean accidents。 But； you know； when you
turn； it does creak so awfully。 I shouldn't mind myself； but the
baby …
AUNT MARY。 Why； child； do you think I'm go
