a woman of thirty-第20节
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et imaginings； that child is an incomplete creation。 Yes； those two should find the poetic dreams of their intimate double life realized in their child as in an exquisite miniature； it should be for them a never…failing spring of emotion； implying their whole past and their whole future。
〃My poor little Helene is her father's child； the offspring of duty and of chance。 In me she finds nothing but the affection of instinct； the woman's natural compassion for the child of her womb。 Socially speaking； I am above reproach。 Have I not sacrificed my life and my happiness to my child？ Her cries go to my heart； if she were to fall into the water； I should spring to save her； but she is not in my heart。
〃Ah！ love set me dreaming of a motherhood far greater and more complete。 In a vanished dream I held in my arms a child conceived in desire before it was begotten； the exquisite flower of life that blossoms in the soul before it sees the light of day。 I am Helene's mother only in the sense that I brought her forth。 When she needs me no longer； there will be an end of my motherhood； with the extinction of the cause； the effects will cease。 If it is a woman's adorable prerogative that her motherhood may last through her child's life； surely that divine persistence of sentiment is due to the far…reaching glory of the conception of the soul？ Unless a child has lain wrapped about from life's first beginnings by the mother's soul； the instinct of motherhood dies in her as in the animals。 This is true； I feel that it is true。 As my poor little one grows older； my heart closes。 My sacrifices have driven us apart。 And yet I know； monsieur； that to another child my heart would have gone out in inexhaustible love； for that other I should not have known what sacrifice meant； all had been delight。 In this； monsieur； my instincts are stronger than reason； stronger than religion or all else in me。 Does the woman who is neither wife nor mother sin in wishing to die when； for her misfortune； she has caught a glimpse of the infinite beauty of love； the limitless joy of motherhood？ What can become of her？ /I/ can tell you what she feels。 I cannot put that memory from me so resolutely but that a hundred times； night and day； visions of a happiness； greater it may be than the reality； rise before me； followed by a shudder which shakes brain and heart and body。 Before these cruel visions； my feelings and thoughts grow colorless； and I ask myself； 'What would my life have been /if/？' 〃
She hid her face in her hands and burst into tears。
〃There you see the depths of my heart！〃 she continued。 〃For /his/ child I could have acquiesced in any lot however dreadful。 He who died； bearing the burden of the sins of the world will forgive this thought of which I am dying； but the world； I know； is merciless。 In its ears my words are blasphemies； I am outraging all its codes。 Oh！ that I could wage war against this world and break down and refashion its laws and traditions！ Has it not turned all my thoughts； and feelings； and longings； and hopes； and every fibre in me into so many sources of pain？ Spoiled my future； present； and past？ For me the daylight is full of gloom； my thoughts pierce me like a sword； my child is and is not。
〃Oh； when Helene speaks to me； I wish that her voice were different； when she looks into my face I wish that she had other eyes。 She constantly keeps me in mind of all that should have been and is not。 I cannot bear to have her near me。 I smile at her； I try to make up to her for the real affection of which she is defrauded。 I am wretched； monsieur； too wretched to live。 And I am supposed to be a pattern wife。 And I have committed no sins。 And I am respected！ I have fought down forbidden love which sprang up at unawares within me； but if I have kept the letter of the law； have I kept it in my heart？ There has never been but one here；〃 she said； laying her right hand on her breast； 〃one and no other； and my child feels it。 Certain looks and tones and gestures mould a child's nature； and my poor little one feels no thrill in the arm I put about her； no tremor comes into my voice； no softness into my eyes when I speak to her or take her up。 She looks at me； and I cannot endure the reproach in her eyes。 There are times when I shudder to think that some day she may be my judge and condemn her mother unheard。 Heaven grant that hate may not grow up between us！ Ah！ God in heaven； rather let the tomb open for me； rather let me end my days here at Saint…Lange！I want to go back to the world where I shall find my other soul and become wholly a mother。 Ah！ forgive me； sir； I am mad。 Those words were choking me； now they are spoken。 Ah！ you are weeping too！ You will not despise me〃
She heard the child come in from a walk。 〃Helene； my child； come here！〃 she called。 The words sounded like a cry of despair。
The little girl ran in； laughing and calling to her mother to see a butterfly which she had caught； but at the sight of that mother's tears she grew quiet of a sudden； and went up close； and received a kiss on her forehead。
〃She will be very beautiful some day；〃 said the priest。
〃She is her father's child；〃 said the Marquise； kissing the little one with eager warmth； as if she meant to pay a debt of affection or to extinguish some feeling of remorse。
〃How hot you are； mamma！〃
〃There； go away； my angel；〃 said the Marquise。
The child went。 She did not seem at all sorry to go； she did not look back； glad perhaps to escape from a sad face； and instinctively comprehending already an antagonism of feeling in its expression。 A mother's love finds language in smiles； they are a part of the divine right of motherhood。 The Marquise could not smile。 She flushed red as she felt the cure's eyes。 She had hoped to act a mother's part before him； but neither she nor her child could deceive him。 And； indeed； when a woman loves sincerely； in the kiss she gives there is a divine honey； it is as if a soul were breathed forth in the caress； a subtle flame of fire which brings warmth to the heart； the kiss that lacks this delicious unction is meagre and formal。 The priest had felt the difference。 He could fathom the depths that lie between the motherhood of the flesh and the motherhood of the heart。 He gave the Marquise a keen； scrutinizing glance； then he said：
〃You are right； madame； it would be better for you if you were dead〃
〃Ah！〃 she cried； 〃then you know all my misery； I see you do if； Christian priest as you are； you can guess my determination to die and sanction it。 Yes； I meant to die； but I have lacked the courage。 The spirit was strong； but the flesh was weak； and when my hand did not tremble； the spirit within me wavered。
〃I do not know the reason of these inner struggles； and alternations。 I am very pitiably a woman no doubt； weak in my will； strong only to love。 Oh； I despise myself。 At night； when all my household was asleep； I would go out bravely as far as the lake； but when I stood on the brink； my cowardice shrank from self…destruction。 To you I will confess my weakness。 When I lay in my bed； again； shame would come over me； and courage would come back。 Once I took a dose of laudanum； I was ill； but I did not die。 I thought I had emptied the phial； but I had only taken half the dose。〃
〃You are lost； madame；〃 the cure said gravely； with tears in his voice。 〃You will go back into the world； and you will deceive the world。 You will seek and find a compensation （as you imagine it to be） for your woes； then will come a day of reckoning for your pleasures〃
〃Do you think；〃 she cried； 〃that /I/ shall bestow the last； the most precious treasures of my heart upon the first base impostor who can play the comedy of passion？ That I would pollute my life for a moment of doubtful pleasure？ No； the flame which shall consume my soul shall be love； and nothing but love。 All men； monsieur； have the senses of their sex； but not all have the man's soul which satisfies all the requirements of our nature； drawing out the melodious harmony which never breaks forth save in response to the pressure of feeling。 Such a soul is not found twice in our lifetime。 The future that lies before me is hideous； I know it。 A woman is nothing without love； beauty is nothing without pleasure。 And even if happiness were offered to me a second time； would not the world frown upon it？ I owe my daughter an honored mother。 Oh！ I am condemned to live in an iron circle； from which there is but one shameful way of escape。 The round of family duties； a thankless and irksome task； is in store for me。 I shall curse life； but my child shall have at least a fair semblance of a mother。 I will give her treasures of virtue for the treasures of love of which I defraud her。
〃I have not even the mother's desire to live to enjoy her child's happiness。 I have no belief in happiness。 What will Helene's fate be？ My own； beyond doubt。 How can a mother ensure that the man to whom she gives her daughter will be the husband of her heart？ You pour scorn on the miserable creatures who sell themselves for a few coins to any passer…by； though want and hunger absolve the brief union； while another union； horrible for quite other reasons； is tolerated； nay encouraged； by society； and a young a
