a woman of thirty-第10节
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l in spite of her marriage； the slightest glance threw her into confusion。 In her endeavor not to blush； she was always laughing； always apparently in high spirits； she would never admit that she was not perfectly well； and anticipated questions as to her health by shame…stricken subterfuges。
In 1817； however； an event took place which did much to alleviate Julie's hitherto deplorable existence。 A daughter was born to her； and she determined to nurse her child herself。 For two years motherhood； its all…absorbing multiplicity of cares and anxious joys； made life less hard for her。 She and her husband lived necessarily apart。 Her physicians predicted improved health； but the Marquise herself put no faith in these auguries based on theory。 Perhaps； like many a one for whom life has lost its sweetness； she looked forward to death as a happy termination of the drama。
But with the beginning of the year 1819 life grew harder than ever。 Even while she congratulated herself upon the negative happiness which she had contrived to win； she caught a terrifying glimpse of yawning depths below it。 She had passed by degrees out of her husband's life。 Her fine tact and her prudence told her that misfortune must come； and that not singly； of this cooling of an affection already lukewarm and wholly selfish。 Sure though she was of her ascendency over Victor； and certain as she felt of his unalterable esteem； she dreaded the influence of unbridled passions upon a head so empty； so full of rash self…conceit。
Julie's friends often found her absorbed in prolonged musings； the less clairvoyant among them would jestingly ask her what she was thinking about； as if a young wife would think of nothing but frivolity； as if there were not almost always a depth of seriousness in a mother's thoughts。 Unhappiness； like great happiness； induces dreaming。 Sometimes as Julie played with her little Helene； she would gaze darkly at her； giving no reply to the childish questions in which a mother delights； questioning the present and the future as to the destiny of this little one。 Then some sudden recollection would bring back the scene of the review at the Tuileries and fill her eyes with tears。 Her father's prophetic warnings rang in her ears； and conscience reproached her that she had not recognized its wisdom。 Her troubles had all come of her own wayward folly； and often she knew not which among so many were the hardest to bear。 The sweet treasures of her soul were unheeded； and not only so； she could never succeed in making her husband understand her； even in the commonest everyday things。 Just as the power to love developed and grew strong and active； a legitimate channel for the affections of her nature was denied her； and wedded love was extinguished in grave physical and mental sufferings。 Add to this that she now felt for her husband that pity closely bordering upon contempt； which withers all affection at last。 Even if she had not learned from conversations with some of her friends； from examples in life； from sundry occurrences in the great world； that love can bring ineffable bliss； her own wounds would have taught her to divine the pure and deep happiness which binds two kindred souls each to each。
In the picture which her memory traced of the past； Arthur's frank face stood out daily nobler and purer； it was but a flash； for upon that recollection she dared not dwell。 The young Englishman's shy； silent love for her was the one event since her marriage which had left a lingering sweetness in her darkened and lonely heart。 It may be that all the blighted hopes； all the frustrated longings which gradually clouded Julie's mind； gathered； by a not unnatural trick of imagination； about this manwhose manners； sentiments； and character seemed to have so much in common with her own。 This idea still presented itself to her mind fitfully and vaguely； like a dream； yet from that dream； which always ended in a sigh； Julie awoke to greater wretchedness； to keener consciousness of the latent anguish brooding beneath her imaginary bliss。
Occasionally her self…pity took wilder and more daring flights。 She determined to have happiness at any cost； but still more often she lay a helpless victim of an indescribable numbing stupor； the words she heard had no meaning to her； or the thoughts which arose in her mind were so vague and indistinct that she could not find language to express them。 Balked of the wishes of her heart； realities jarred harshly upon her girlish dreams of life； but she was obliged to devour her tears。 To whom could she make complaint？ Of whom be understood？ She possessed； moreover； that highest degree of woman's sensitive pride； the exquisite delicacy of feeling which silences useless complainings and declines to use an advantage to gain a triumph which can only humiliate both victor and vanquished。
Julie tried to endow M。 d'Aiglemont with her own abilities and virtues； flattering herself that thus she might enjoy the happiness lacking in her lot。 All her woman's ingenuity and tack was employed in making the best of the situation； pure waste of pains unsuspected by him； whom she thus strengthened in his despotism。 There were moments when misery became an intoxication； expelling all ideas； all self… control； but； fortunately； sincere piety always brought her back to one supreme hope； she found a refuge in the belief in a future life； a wonderful thought which enabled her to take up her painful task afresh。 No elation of victory followed those terrible inward battles and throes of anguish； no one knew of those long hours of sadness； her haggard glances met no response from human eyes； and during the brief moments snatched by chance for weeping； her bitter tears fell unheeded and in solitude。
One evening in January 1820； the Marquise became aware of the full gravity of the crisis； gradually brought on by force of circumstances。 When a husband and wife know each other thoroughly； and their relation has long been a matter of use and wont； when the wife has learned to interpret every slightest sign； when her quick insight discerns thoughts and facts which her husband keeps from her； a chance word； or a remark so carelessly let fall in the first instance； seems； upon subsequent reflection； like the swift breaking out of light。 A wife not seldom suddenly awakes upon the brink of a precipice or in the depths of the abyss； and thus it was with the Marquise。 She was feeling glad to have been left to herself for some days； when the real reason of her solitude flashed upon her。 Her husband； whether fickle and tired of her； or generous and full of pity for her； was hers no longer。
In the moment of that discovery she forgot herself； her sacrifices； all that she had passed through； she remembered only that she was a mother。 Looking forward； she thought of her daughter's fortune； of the future welfare of the one creature through whom some gleams of happiness came to her； of her Helene； the only possession which bound her to life。
Then Julie wished to live to save her child from a stepmother's terrible thraldom； which might crush her darling's life。 Upon this new vision of threatened possibilities followed one of those paroxysms of thought at fever…heat which consume whole years of life。
Henceforward husband and wife were doomed to be separated by a whole world of thought； and all the weight of that world she must bear alone。 Hitherto she had felt sure that Victor loved her； in so far as he could be said to love； she had been the slave of pleasures which she did not share； to…day the satisfaction of knowing that she purchased his contentment with her tears was hers no longer。 She was alone in the world； nothing was left to her now but a choice of evils。 In the calm stillness of the night her despondency drained her of all her strength。 She rose from her sofa beside the dying fire； and stood in the lamplight gazing； dry…eyed； at her child； when M。 d'Aiglemont came in。 He was in high spirits。 Julie called to him to admire Helene as she lay asleep； but he met his wife's enthusiasm with a commonplace：
〃All children are nice at that age。〃
He closed the curtains about the cot after a careless kiss on the child's forehead。 Then he turned his eyes on Julie； took her hand and drew her to sit beside him on the sofa； where she had been sitting with such dark thoughts surging up in her mind。
〃You are looking very handsome to…night； Mme。 d'Aiglemont；〃 he exclaimed； with the gaiety intolerable to the Marquise； who knew its emptiness so well。
〃Where have you spent the evening？〃 she asked； with a pretence of complete indifference。
〃At Mme。 de Serizy's。〃
He had taken up a fire…screen； and was looking intently at the gauze。 He had not noticed the traces of tears on his wife's face。 Julie shuddered。 Words could not express the overflowing torrent of thoughts which must be forced down into inner depths。
〃Mme。 de Serizy is giving a concert on Monday； and is dying for you to go。 You have not been anywhere for some time past； and that is enough to set her longing to see you at her house。 She is a good…natured woman； and very fond of you。 I should be glad if you would go； I all but promised that you should〃
〃I will go。〃
There was something so pene
