the legacy of cain-第26节

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the　moment　he　sees　my　face。　He　is　one　of　those　meneven　in　my
little　experience　I　have　met　with　themwho　are　born　to　be　led　by
women。　If　Eunice　had　possessed　my　strength　of　character；　he　would
have　been　true　to　her　for　life。

Ought　I　not；　in　justice　to　myself；　to　have　lifted　my　heart　high
above　the　reach　of　such　a　creature　as　this？　Certainly　I　ought！　I
know　it；　I　feel　it。　And　yet；　there　is　some　fascination　in　having
him　which　I　am　absolutely　unable　to　resist。

What；　I　ask　myself；　has　fed　the　new　flame　which　is　burning　in　me？
Did　it　begin　with　gratified　pride？　I　might　well　feel　proud　when　I
found　myself　admired　by　a　man　of　his　beauty；　set　off　by　such
manners　and　such　accomplishments　as　his。　Or；　has　the　growth　of
this　masterful　feeling　been　encouraged　by　the　envy　and　jealousy
stirred　in　me；　when　I　found　Eunice　（my　inferior　in　every　respect）
distinguished　by　the　devotion　of　a　handsome　lover；　and　having　a
brilliant　marriage　in　viewwhile　I　was　left　neglected；　with　no
prospect　of　changing　my　title　from　Miss　to　Mrs。？　Vain　inquiries！
My　wicked　heart　seems　to　have　secrets　of　its　own；　and　to　keep
them　a　mystery　to　me。

What　has　become　of　my　excellent　education？　I　don't　care　to
inquire；　I　have　got　beyond　the　reach　of　good　books　and　religious
examples。　Among　my　other　blamable　actions　there　may　now　be
reckoned　disobedience　to　my　father。　I　have　been　reading　novels　in
secret。

At　first　I　tried　some　of　the　famous　English　works；　published　at　a
price　within　the　reach　of　small　purses。　Very　well　written；　no
doubtbut　with　one　unpardonable　drawback；　so　far　as　I　am
concerned。　Our　celebrated　native　authors　address　themselves　to
good　people；　or　to　penitent　people　who　want　to　be　made　good；　not
to　wicked　readers　like　me。

Arriving　at　this　conclusion；　I　tried　another　experiment。　In　a
small　bookseller's　shop　I　discovered　some　cheap　translations　of
French　novels。　Here；　I　found　what　I　wantedsympathy　with　sin。
Here；　there　was　opened　to　me　a　new　world　inhabited　entirely　by
unrepentant　people；　the　magnificent　women　diabolically　beautiful；
the　satanic　men　dead　to　every　sense　of　virtue；　and　aliveperhaps
rather　dirtily　aliveto　the　splendid　fascinations　of　crime。　I
know　now　that　Love　is　above　everything　but　itself。　Love　is　the
one　law　that　we　are　bound　to　obey。　How　deep！　how　consoling！　how
admirably　true！　The　novelists　of　England　have　reason　indeed　to
hide　their　heads　before　the　novelists　of　France。　All　that　I　have
felt；　and　have　written　here；　is　inspired　by　these　wonderful
authors。


I　have　relieved　my　mind；　and　may　now　return　to　the　business　of　my
diarythe　record　of　domestic　events。

An　overwhelming　disappointment　has　fallen　on　Eunice。　Our
dinner…party　has　been　put　off。

The　state　of　father's　health　is　answerable　for　this　change　in　our
arrangements　That　wretched　scene　at　the　school；　complicated　by　my
sister's　undutiful　behavior　at　the　time；　so　seriously　excited　him
that　he　passed　a　sleepless　night；　and　kept　his　bedroom　throughout
the　day。　Eunice's　total　want　of　discretion　added；　no　doubt；　to
his　sufferings：　she　rudely　intruded　on　him　to　express　her　regret
and　to　ask　his　pardon。　Having　carried　her　point；　she　was　at
leisure　to　come　to　me；　and　to　ask　（how　amazingly　simple　of　her！）
what　she　and　Philip　were　to　do　next。

〃We　had　arranged　it　all　so　nicely；〃　the　poor　wretch　began。
〃Philip　was　to　have　been　so　clever　and　agreeable
　at　dinner；　and　was　to　have　chosen　his　time　so　very　discreetly；
that　papa　would　have　been　ready　to　listen　to　anything　he　said。
Oh；　we　should　have　succeeded；　I　haven't　a　doubt　of　it！　Our　only
hope；　Helena；　is　in　you。　What　are　we　to　do　now？〃

〃Wait；〃　I　answered。

〃Wait？〃　she　repeated；　hotly。　〃Is　my　heart　to　be　broken？　and；　what
is　more　cruel　still；　is　Philip　to　be　disappointed？　I　expected
something　more　sensible；　my　dear；　from　you。　What　possible　reason
can　there　be　for　waiting？〃

The　reasonif　I　could　only　have　mentioned　itwas　beyond
dispute。　I　wanted　time　to　quiet　Philip's　uneasy　conscience；　and
to　harden　his　weak　mind　against　outbursts　of　violence；　on
Eunice's　part；　which　would　certainly　exhibit　themselves　when　she
found　that　she　had　lost　her　lover；　and　lost　him　to　me。　In　the
meanwhile；　I　had　to　produce　my　reason　for　advising　her　to　wait。
It　was　easily　done。　I　reminded　her　of　the　irritable　condition　of
our　father's　nerves；　and　gave　it　as　my　opinion　that　he　would
certainly　say　No；　if　she　was　unwise　enough　to　excite　him　on　the
subject　of　Philip；　in　his　present　frame　of　mind。

These　unanswerable　considerations　seemed　to　produce　the　right
effect　on　her。　〃I　suppose　you　know　best；〃　was　all　she　said。　And
then　she　left　me。

I　let　her　go　without　feeling　any　distrust　of　this　act　of
submission　on　her　part；　it　was　such　a　common　experience；　in　my
life；　to　find　my　sister　guiding　herself　by　my　advice。　But
experience　is　not　always　to　be　trusted。　Events　soon　showed　that　I
had　failed　to　estimate　Eunice's　resources　of　obstinacy　and
cunning　at　their　true　value。

Half　an　hour　later　I　heard　the　street　door　closed；　and　looked　out
of　the　window。　Miss　Jillgall　was　leaving　the　house；　no　one　was
with　her。　My　dislike　of　this　person　led　me　astray　once　more。　I
ought　to　have　suspected　her　of　being　bent　on　some　mischievous
errand；　and　to　have　devised　some　means　of　putting　my　suspicions
to　the　test。　I　did　nothing　of　the　kind。　In　the　moment　when　I
turned　my　head　away　from　the　window；　Miss　Jillgall　was　a　person
forgottenand　I　was　a　person　who　had　made　a　serious　mistake。


CHAPTER　XXVI。

HELENA'S　DIARY。



THE　event　of　to…day　began　with　the　delivery　of　a　message
summoning　me　to　my　father's　study。　He　had　decidedtoo　hastily；
as　I　fearedthat　he　was　sufficiently　recovered　to　resume　his
usual　employments。　I　was　writing　to　his　dictation；　when　we　were
interrupted。　Maria　announced　a　visit　from　Mr。　Dunboyne。

Hitherto　Philip　had　been　content　to　send　one　of　the　servants　of
the　hotel　to　make　inquiry　after　Mr。　Gracedieu's　health。　Why　had
he　now　called　personally？　Noticing　that　father　seemed　to　be
annoyed；　I　tried　to　make　an　opportunity　of　receiving　Philip
myself。　〃Let　me　see　him；〃　I　suggested；　〃I　can　easily　say　you　are
engaged。〃

Very　unwillingly；　as　it　was　easy　to　see；　my　father　declined　to
allow　this。　〃Mr。　Dunboyne's　visit　pays　me　a　compliment；〃　he　said；
〃and　I　must　receive　him。〃　I　made　a　show　of　leaving　the　room；　and
was　called　back　to　my　chair。　〃This　is　not　a　private　interview；
Helena；　stay　where　you　are。〃

Philip　came　inhandsomer　than　ever；　beautifully　dressedand
paid　his　respects　to　my　father　with　his　customary　grace。　He　was
too　well…bred　to　allow　any　visible　signs　of　embarrassment　to
escape　him。　But　when　he　shook　hands　with　me；　I　felt　a　little
trembling　in　his　fingers；　through　the　delicate　gloves　which
fitted　him　like　a　second　skin。　Was　it　the　true　object　of　his
visit　to　try　the　experiment　designed　by　Eunice　and　himself；　and
deferred　by　the　postponement　of　our　dinner…party？　Impossible
surely　that　my　sister　could　have　practiced　on　his　weakness；　and
persuaded　him　to　return　to　his　first　love！　I　waited；　in
breathless　interest；　for　his　next　words。　They　were　not　worth
listening　to。　Oh；　the　poor　commonplace　creature！

〃I　am　glad；　Mr。　Gracedieu；　to　see　that　you　are　well　enough　to　be
in　your　study　again；〃　he　said。　The　writing　materials　on　the　table
attracted　his　attention。　〃Am　I　one　of　the　idle　people；〃　he　asked；
with　his　charming　smile；　〃who　are　always　interrupting　useful
employment？〃

He　spoke　to　my　father；　and　he　was　answered　by　my　father。　Not　once
had　he　addressed　a　word　to　meno；　not　even　when　we　shook　hands。
I　was　angry　enough　to　force　him　into　taking　some　notice　of　me；
and　to　make　an　attempt　to　confuse　him　at　the　same　time。

〃Have　you　seen　my　sister？〃　I　asked。

〃No。〃

It　was　the　shortest　reply　that　he　could　choose。　Having　flung　it
at　me；　he　still　persisted　in　looking　at　my　father　and　speaking　to
my　father：　〃Do　you　think　of　trying　change　of　air；　Mr。　Gracedieu；
when　you　feel　strong　enough　to　travel？〃

〃My　duties　keep　me　here；〃　father　answered；　〃and　I　cannot　honestly
say　that　I　enjoy　traveling。　I　dislike　manners　and　customs　that
are　strange　to　me；　I　don't　find　that　hotels　reward　me　for　giving
up　the　comforts　of　my　own　house。　How　do　you　find　the　hotel　here？〃

〃I　submit　to　the　hotel；　sir。　They　are　sad　savages　in　the　kitchen；
they　put　mushroom　ketchup　into　their　soup；　and　mustard　and
cayenne　pepper　into　their　salads。　I　am　half…starved　at
dinner…time；　but　I　don't　complain。〃

Every　word　he　said　was　an　offense　to　me。　With　or　without　reason；
I　attacked　him　again。

〃I　have　heard　you　acknowledge　that　the　landlord　and　landlady　are
very　obliging　people；〃　I　said。　〃Why　don't　you　ask　them　to　let　you
make　your　own　soup　and　mix　your　own　salad？〃

I　wondered　whether　I　should　succeed　in　attracting　his　notice；
after　this。　Even　in　these　private　pages；　my　self…esteem　finds　it
hard　to　confess　what　happened。　I　succeeded　in　reminding　Philip
that　he　had　his　reasons　for　requesting　me　to　leave　the　room。

〃Will　you　excuse　me；　Miss　Helena；〃　he　said；　〃if　I　ask　leave　to
speak　to　Mr。　Gracedieu　in　private？〃

The　right　thing　for　me　to　do　was；　let　me　hope；　the　thing　that　I
did。　I　rose；　and　waited　to　see　if　my　father　would　interfere。　He
looked　at　Ph