the uncommercial traveller-第75节

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Public　Dinner；　in　respect　of　its　being　a　main　part　of　the

proceedings　that　every　gentleman　present　is　required　to　drink

something　nasty。　　These　Mataboos　are　a　privileged　order；　so

important　is　their　avocation；　and　they　make　the　most　of　their　high

functions。　　A　long　way　out　of　the　Tonga　Islands；　indeed；　rather

near　the　British　Islands；　was　there　no　calling　in　of　the　Mataboos

the　other　day　to　settle　an　earth…convulsing　question　of　precedence；

and　was　there　no　weighty　opinion　delivered　on　the　part　of　the

Mataboos　which；　being　interpreted　to　that　unlucky　tribe　of　blacks

with　the　sense　of　the　ridiculous；　would　infallibly　set　the　whole

population　screaming　with　laughter？



My　sense　of　justice　demands　the　admission；　however；　that　this　is

not　quite　a　one…sided　question。　　If　we　submit　ourselves　meekly　to

the　Medicine　Man　and　the　Conjurer；　and　are　not　exalted　by　it；　the

savages　may　retort　upon　us　that　we　act　more　unwisely　than　they　in

other　matters　wherein　we　fail　to　imitate　them。　　It　is　a　widely

diffused　custom　among　savage　tribes；　when　they　meet　to　discuss　any

affair　of　public　importance；　to　sit　up　all　night　making　a　horrible

noise；　dancing；　blowing　shells；　and　（in　cases　where　they　are

familiar　with　fire…arms）　flying　out　into　open　places　and　letting

off　guns。　　It　is　questionable　whether　our　legislative　assemblies

might　not　take　a　hint　from　this。　　A　shell　is　not　a　melodious　wind…

instrument；　and　it　is　monotonous；　but　it　is　as　musical　as；　and　not

more　monotonous　than；　my　Honourable　friend's　own　trumpet；　or　the

trumpet　that　he　blows　so　hard　for　the　Minister。　　The　uselessness　of

arguing　with　any　supporter　of　a　Government　or　of　an　Opposition；　is

well　known。　　Try　dancing。　　It　is　a　better　exercise；　and　has　the

unspeakable　recommendation　that　it　couldn't　be　reported。　　The

honourable　and　savage　member　who　has　a　loaded　gun；　and　has　grown

impatient　of　debate；　plunges　out　of　doors；　fires　in　the　air；　and

returns　calm　and　silent　to　the　Palaver。　　Let　the　honourable　and

civilised　member　similarly　charged　with　a　speech；　dart　into　the

cloisters　of　Westminster　Abbey　in　the　silence　of　night；　let　his

speech　off；　and　come　back　harmless。　　It　is　not　at　first　sight　a

very　rational　custom　to　paint　a　broad　blue　stripe　across　one's　nose

and　both　cheeks；　and　a　broad　red　stripe　from　the　forehead　to　the

chin；　to　attach　a　few　pounds　of　wood　to　one's　under　lip；　to　stick

fish…bones　in　one's　ears　and　a　brass　curtain…ring　in　one's　nose；

and　to　rub　one's　body　all　over　with　rancid　oil；　as　a　preliminary　to

entering　on　business。　　But　this　is　a　question　of　taste　and

ceremony；　and　so　is　the　Windsor　Uniform。　　The　manner　of　entering　on

the　business　itself　is　another　question。　　A　council　of　six　hundred

savage　gentlemen　entirely　independent　of　tailors；　sitting　on　their

hams　in　a　ring；　smoking；　and　occasionally　grunting；　seem　to　me；

according　to　the　experience　I　have　gathered　in　my　voyages　and

travels；　somehow　to　do　what　they　come　together　for；　whereas　that　is

not　at　all　the　general　experience　of　a　council　of　six　hundred

civilised　gentlemen　very　dependent　on　tailors　and　sitting　on

mechanical　contrivances。　　It　is　better　that　an　Assembly　should　do

its　utmost　to　envelop　itself　in　smoke；　than　that　it　should　direct

its　endeavours　to　enveloping　the　public　in　smoke；　and　I　would

rather　it　buried　half　a　hundred　hatchets　than　buried　one　subject

demanding　attention。







CHAPTER　XXIX　…　TITBULL'S　ALMS…HOUSES







By　the　side　of　most　railways　out　of　London；　one　may　see　Alms…Houses

and　Retreats　（generally　with　a　Wing　or　a　Centre　wanting；　and

ambitious　of　being　much　bigger　than　they　are）；　some　of　which　are

newly…founded　Institutions；　and　some　old　establishments

transplanted。　　There　is　a　tendency　in　these　pieces　of　architecture

to　shoot　upward　unexpectedly；　like　Jack's　bean…stalk；　and　to　be

ornate　in　spires　of　Chapels　and　lanterns　of　Halls；　which　might　lead

to　the　embellishment　of　the　air　with　many　castles　of　questionable

beauty　but　for　the　restraining　consideration　of　expense。　　However；

the　manners；　being　always　of　a　sanguine　temperament；　comfort

themselves　with　plans　and　elevations　of　Loomings　in　the　future；　and

are　influenced　in　the　present　by　philanthropy　towards　the　railway

passengers。　　For；　the　question　how　prosperous　and　promising　the

buildings　can　be　made　to　look　in　their　eyes；　usually　supersedes　the

lesser　question　how　they　can　be　turned　to　the　best　account　for　the

inmates。



Why　none　of　the　people　who　reside　in　these　places　ever　look　out　of

window；　or　take　an　airing　in　the　piece　of　ground　which　is　going　to

be　a　garden　by…and…by；　is　one　of　the　wonders　I　have　added　to　my

always…lengthening　list　of　the　wonders　of　the　world。　　I　have　got　it

into　my　mind　that　they　live　in　a　state　of　chronic　injury　and

resentment；　and　on　that　account　refuse　to　decorate　the　building

with　a　human　interest。　　As　I　have　known　legatees　deeply　injured　by

a　bequest　of　five　hundred　pounds　because　it　was　not　five　thousand；

and　as　I　was　once　acquainted　with　a　pensioner　on　the　Public　to　the

extent　of　two　hundred　a　year；　who　perpetually　anathematised　his

Country　because　he　was　not　in　the　receipt　of　four；　having　no　claim

whatever　to　sixpence：　　so　perhaps　it　usually　happens；　within

certain　limits；　that　to　get　a　little　help　is　to　get　a　notion　of

being　defrauded　of　more。　　'How　do　they　pass　their　lives　in　this

beautiful　and　peaceful　place！'　was　the　subject　of　my　speculation

with　a　visitor　who　once　accompanied　me　to　a　charming　rustic　retreat

for　old　men　and　women：　　a　quaint　ancient　foundation　in　a　pleasant

English　country；　behind　a　picturesque　church　and　among　rich　old

convent　gardens。　　There　were　but　some　dozen　or　so　of　houses；　and　we

agreed　that　we　would　talk　with　the　inhabitants；　as　they　sat　in

their　groined　rooms　between　the　light　of　their　fires　and　the　light

shining　in　at　their　latticed　windows；　and　would　find　out。　　They

passed　their　lives　in　considering　themselves　mulcted　of　certain

ounces　of　tea　by　a　deaf　old　steward　who　lived　among　them　in　the

quadrangle。　　There　was　no　reason　to　suppose　that　any　such　ounces　of

tea　had　ever　been　in　existence；　or　that　the　old　steward　so　much　as

knew　what　was　the　matter；　…　he　passed　HIS　life　in　considering

himself　periodically　defrauded　of　a　birch…broom　by　the　beadle。



But　it　is　neither　to　old　Alms…Houses　in　the　country；　nor　to　new

Alms…Houses　by　the　railroad；　that　these　present　Uncommercial　notes

relate。　　They　refer　back　to　journeys　made　among　those　common…place；

smoky…fronted　London　Alms…Houses；　with　a　little　paved　court…yard　in

front　enclosed　by　iron　railings；　which　have　got　snowed　up；　as　it

were；　by　bricks　and　mortar；　which　were　once　in　a　suburb；　but　are

now　in　the　densely　populated　town；　gaps　in　the　busy　life　around

them；　parentheses　in　the　close　and　blotted　texts　of　the　streets。



Sometimes；　these　Alms…Houses　belong　to　a　Company　or　Society。

Sometimes；　they　were　established　by　individuals；　and　are　maintained

out　of　private　funds　bequeathed　in　perpetuity　long　ago。　　My

favourite　among　them　is　Titbull's；　which　establishment　is　a　picture

of　many。　　Of　Titbull　I　know　no　more　than　that　he　deceased　in　1723；

that　his　Christian　name　was　Sampson；　and　his　social　designation

Esquire；　and　that　he　founded　these　Alms…Houses　as　Dwellings　for

Nine　Poor　Women　and　Six　Poor　Men　by　his　Will　and　Testament。　　I

should　not　know　even　this　much；　but　for　its　being　inscribed　on　a

grim　stone　very　difficult　to　read；　let　into　the　front　of　the　centre

house　of　Titbull's　Alms…Houses；　and　which　stone　is　ornamented　a…top

with　a　piece　of　sculptured　drapery　resembling　the　effigy　of

Titbull's　bath…towel。



Titbull's　Alms…Houses　are　in　the　east　of　London；　in　a　great

highway；　in　a　poor；　busy；　and　thronged　neighbourhood。　　Old　iron　and

fried　fish；　cough　drops　and　artificial　flowers；　boiled　pigs'…feet

and　household　furniture　that　looks　as　if　it　were　polished　up　with

lip…salve；　umbrellas　full　of　vocal　literature　and　saucers　full　of

shell…fish　in　a　green　juice　which　I　hope　is　natural　to　them　when

their　health　is　good；　garnish　the　paved　sideways　as　you　go　to

Titbull's。　　I　take　the　ground　to　have　risen　in　those　parts　since

Titbull's　time；　and　you　drop　into　his　domain　by　three　stone　steps。

So　did　I　first　drop　into　it；　very　nearly　striking　my　brows　against

Titbull's　pump；　which　stands　with　its　back　to　the　thoroughfare　just

inside　the　gate；　and　has　a　conceited　air　of　reviewing　Titbull's

pensioners。



'And　a　worse　one；'　said　a　virulent　old　man　with　a　pitcher；　'there

isn't　nowhere。　　A　harder　one　to　work；　nor　a　grudginer　one　to　yield；

there　isn't　nowhere！'　　This　old　man　wore　a　long　coat；　such　as　we

see　Hogarth's　Chairmen　represented　with；　and　it　was　of　that

peculiar　green…pea　hue　without　the　green；　which　seems　to　come　of

poverty。　　It　had　also　that　peculiar　smell　of　cupboard　which　seems

to　come　of　poverty。



'The　pump　is　rusty；　perhaps；'　said　I。



'Not　IT；'　said　the　old　man；　regarding　it　with　undiluted　virule