the uncommercial traveller-第54节

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There　is　another　class　of　birthdays　at　which　I　have　so　frequently

assisted；　that　I　may　assume　such　birthdays　to　be　pretty　well　known

to　the　human　race。　　My　friend　Mayday's　birthday　is　an　example。　　The

guests　have　no　knowledge　of　one　another　except　on　that　one　day　in

the　year；　and　are　annually　terrified　for　a　week　by　the　prospect　of

meeting　one　another　again。　　There　is　a　fiction　among　us　that　we

have　uncommon　reasons　for　being　particularly　lively　and　spirited　on

the　occasion；　whereas　deep　despondency　is　no　phrase　for　the

expression　of　our　feelings。　　But　the　wonderful　feature　of　the　case

is；　that　we　are　in　tacit　accordance　to　avoid　the　subject　…　to　keep

it　as　far　off　as　possible；　as　long　as　possible　…　and　to　talk　about

anything　else；　rather　than　the　joyful　event。　　I　may　even　go　so　far

as　to　assert　that　there　is　a　dumb　compact　among　us　that　we　will

pretend　that　it　is　NOT　Mayday's　birthday。　　A　mysterious　and　gloomy

Being；　who　is　said　to　have　gone　to　school　with　Mayday；　and　who　is

so　lank　and　lean　that　he　seriously　impugns　the　Dietary　of　the

establishment　at　which　they　were　jointly　educated；　always　leads　us；

as　I　may　say；　to　the　block；　by　laying　his　grisly　hand　on　a　decanter

and　begging　us　to　fill　our　glasses。　　The　devices　and　pretences　that

I　have　seen　put　in　practice　to　defer　the　fatal　moment；　and　to

interpose　between　this　man　and　his　purpose；　are　innumerable。　　I

have　known　desperate　guests；　when　they　saw　the　grisly　hand

approaching　the　decanter；　wildly　to　begin；　without　any　antecedent

whatsoever；　'That　reminds　me　…　'　and　to　plunge　into　long　stories。

When　at　last　the　hand　and　the　decanter　come　together；　a　shudder；　a

palpable　perceptible　shudder；　goes　round　the　table。　　We　receive　the

reminder　that　it　is　Mayday's　birthday；　as　if　it　were　the

anniversary　of　some　profound　disgrace　he　had　undergone；　and　we

sought　to　comfort　him。　　And　when　we　have　drunk　Mayday's　health；　and

wished　him　many　happy　returns；　we　are　seized　for　some　moments　with

a　ghastly　blitheness；　an　unnatural　levity；　as　if　we　were　in　the

first　flushed　reaction　of　having　undergone　a　surgical　operation。



Birthdays　of　this　species　have　a　public　as　well　as　a　private　phase。

My　'boyhood's　home；'　Dullborough；　presents　a　case　in　point。　　An

Immortal　Somebody　was　wanted　in　Dullborough；　to　dimple　for　a　day

the　stagnant　face　of　the　waters；　he　was　rather　wanted　by

Dullborough　generally；　and　much　wanted　by　the　principal　hotel…

keeper。　　The　County　history　was　looked　up　for　a　locally　Immortal

Somebody；　but　the　registered　Dullborough　worthies　were　all

Nobodies。　　In　this　state　of　things；　it　is　hardly　necessary　to

record　that　Dullborough　did　what　every　man　does　when　he　wants　to

write　a　book　or　deliver　a　lecture；　and　is　provided　with　all　the

materials　except　a　subject。　　It　fell　back　upon　Shakespeare。



No　sooner　was　it　resolved　to　celebrate　Shakespeare's　birthday　in

Dullborough；　than　the　popularity　of　the　immortal　bard　became

surprising。　　You　might　have　supposed　the　first　edition　of　his　works

to　have　been　published　last　week；　and　enthusiastic　Dullborough　to

have　got　half　through　them。　　（I　doubt；　by　the　way；　whether　it　had

ever　done　half　that；　but　that　is　a　private　opinion。）　　A　young

gentleman　with　a　sonnet；　the　retention　of　which　for　two　years　had

enfeebled　his　mind　and　undermined　his　knees；　got　the　sonnet　into

the　Dullborough　Warden；　and　gained　flesh。　　Portraits　of　Shakespeare

broke　out　in　the　bookshop　windows；　and　our　principal　artist　painted

a　large　original　portrait　in　oils　for　the　decoration　of　the　dining…

room。　　It　was　not　in　the　least　like　any　of　the　other　Portraits；　and

was　exceedingly　admired；　the　head　being　much　swollen。　　At　the

Institution；　the　Debating　Society　discussed　the　new　question；　Was

there　sufficient　ground　for　supposing　that　the　Immortal　Shakespeare

ever　stole　deer？　　This　was　indignantly　decided　by　an　overwhelming

majority　in　the　negative；　indeed；　there　was　but　one　vote　on　the

Poaching　side；　and　that　was　the　vote　of　the　orator　who　had

undertaken　to　advocate　it；　and　who　became　quite　an　obnoxious

character　…　particularly　to　the　Dullborough　'roughs；'　who　were

about　as　well　informed　on　the　matter　as　most　other　people。

Distinguished　speakers　were　invited　down；　and　very　nearly　came　（but

not　quite）。　　Subscriptions　were　opened；　and　committees　sat；　and　it

would　have　been　far　from　a　popular　measure　in　the　height　of　the

excitement；　to　have　told　Dullborough　that　it　wasn't　Stratford…upon…

Avon。　　Yet；　after　all　these　preparations；　when　the　great　festivity

took　place；　and　the　portrait；　elevated　aloft；　surveyed　the　company

as　if　it　were　in　danger　of　springing　a　mine　of　intellect　and

blowing　itself　up；　it　did　undoubtedly　happen；　according　to　the

inscrutable　mysteries　of　things；　that　nobody　could　be　induced；　not

to　say　to　touch　upon　Shakespeare；　but　to　come　within　a　mile　of　him；

until　the　crack　speaker　of　Dullborough　rose　to　propose　the　immortal

memory。　　Which　he　did　with　the　perplexing　and　astonishing　result

that　before　he　had　repeated　the　great　name　half…a…dozen　times；　or

had　been　upon　his　legs　as　many　minutes；　he　was　assailed　with　a

general　shout　of　'Question。'







CHAPTER　XXI　…　THE　SHORT…TIMERS







'Within　so　many　yards　of　this　Covent…garden　lodging　of　mine；　as

within　so　many　yards　of　Westminster　Abbey；　Saint　Paul's　Cathedral；

the　Houses　of　Parliament；　the　Prisons；　the　Courts　of　Justice；　all

the　Institutions　that　govern　the　land；　I　can　find　…　MUST　find；

whether　I　will　or　no　…　in　the　open　streets；　shameful　instances　of

neglect　of　children；　intolerable　toleration　of　the　engenderment　of

paupers；　idlers；　thieves；　races　of　wretched　and　destructive

cripples　both　in　body　and　mind；　a　misery　to　themselves；　a　misery　to

the　community；　a　disgrace　to　civilisation；　and　an　outrage　on

Christianity。　…　I　know　it　to　be　a　fact　as　easy　of　demonstration　as

any　sum　in　any　of　the　elementary　rules　of　arithmetic；　that　if　the

State　would　begin　its　work　and　duty　at　the　beginning；　and　would

with　the　strong　hand　take　those　children　out　of　the　streets；　while

they　are　yet　children；　and　wisely　train　them；　it　would　make　them　a

part　of　England's　glory；　not　its　shame　…　of　England's　strength；　not

its　weakness　…　would　raise　good　soldiers　and　sailors；　and　good

citizens；　and　many　great　men；　out　of　the　seeds　of　its　criminal

population。　　Yet　I　go　on　bearing　with　the　enormity　as　if　it　were

nothing；　and　I　go　on　reading　the　Parliamentary　Debates　as　if　they

were　something；　and　I　concern　myself　far　more　about　one　railway…

bridge　across　a　public　thoroughfare；　than　about　a　dozen　generations

of　scrofula；　ignorance；　wickedness；　prostitution；　poverty；　and

felony。　　I　can　slip　out　at　my　door；　in　the　small　hours　after　any

midnight；　and；　in　one　circuit　of　the　purlieus　of　Covent…garden

Market；　can　behold　a　state　of　infancy　and　youth；　as　vile　as　if　a

Bourbon　sat　upon　the　English　throne；　a　great　police　force　looking

on　with　authority　to　do　no　more　than　worry　and　hunt　the　dreadful

vermin　into　corners；　and　there　leave　them。　　Within　the　length　of　a

few　streets　I　can　find　a　workhouse；　mismanaged　with　that　dull

short…sighted　obstinacy　that　its　greatest　opportunities　as　to　the

children　it　receives　are　lost；　and　yet　not　a　farthing　saved　to　any

one。　　But　the　wheel　goes　round；　and　round；　and　round；　and　because

it　goes　round　…　so　I　am　told　by　the　politest　authorities　…　it　goes

well。'



Thus　I　reflected；　one　day　in　the　Whitsun　week　last　past；　as　I

floated　down　the　Thames　among　the　bridges；　looking　…　not

inappropriately　…　at　the　drags　that　were　hanging　up　at　certain

dirty　stairs　to　hook　the　drowned　out；　and　at　the　numerous

conveniences　provided　to　facilitate　their　tumbling　in。　　My　object

in　that　uncommercial　journey　called　up　another　train　of　thought；

and　it　ran　as　follows：



'When　I　was　at　school；　one　of　seventy　boys；　I　wonder　by　what　secret

understanding　our　attention　began　to　wander　when　we　had　pored　over

our　books　for　some　hours。　　I　wonder　by　what　ingenuity　we　brought　on

that　confused　state　of　mind　when　sense　became　nonsense；　when

figures　wouldn't　work；　when　dead　languages　wouldn't　construe；　when

live　languages　wouldn't　be　spoken；　when　memory　wouldn't　come；　when

dulness　and　vacancy　wouldn't　go。　　I　cannot　remember　that　we　ever

conspired　to　be　sleepy　after　dinner；　or　that　we　ever　particularly

wanted　to　be　stupid；　and　to　have　flushed　faces　and　hot　beating

heads；　or　to　find　blank　hopelessness　and　obscurity　this　afternoon

in　what　would　become　perfectly　clear　and　bright　in　the　freshness　of

to…morrow　morning。　　We　suffered　for　these　things；　and　they　made　us

miserable　enough。　　Neither　do　I　remember　that　we　ever　bound

ourselves　by　any　secret　oath　or　other　solemn　obligation；　to　find

the　seats　getting　too　hard　to　be　sat　upon　after　a　certain　time；　or

to　have　intolerable　twitches　in　our　legs；　rendering　us　aggressive

and　malicious　with　those　members；　or　to　be　troubled　with　a　similar

uneasiness　in　our　elbows；　attended　with　fistic　consequence