the uncommercial traveller-第53节
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commit to the flames as soon as you have become aware to what a
towering height his mad ambition soars。' At other times … periods
of profound mental depression； when She had gone out to balls where
I was not … the draft took the affecting form of a paper to be left
on my table after my departure to the confines of the globe。 As
thus： 'For Mrs。 Onowenever； these lines when the hand that traces
them shall be far away。 I could not bear the daily torture of
hopelessly loving the dear one whom I will not name。 Broiling on
the coast of Africa； or congealing on the shores of Greenland； I am
far far better there than here。' （In this sentiment my cooler
judgment perceives that the family of the beloved object would have
most completely concurred。） 'If I ever emerge from obscurity； and
my name is ever heralded by Fame； it will be for her dear sake。 If
I ever amass Gold； it will be to pour it at her feet。 Should I on
the other hand become the prey of Ravens … ' I doubt if I ever
quite made up my mind what was to be done in that affecting case； I
tried 'then it is better so；' but not feeling convinced that it
would be better so； I vacillated between leaving all else blank；
which looked expressive and bleak； or winding up with 'Farewell！'
This fictitious correspondence of mine is to blame for the
foregoing digression。 I was about to pursue the statement that on
my twenty…first birthday I gave a party； and She was there。 It was
a beautiful party。 There was not a single animate or inanimate
object connected with it （except the company and myself） that I had
ever seen before。 Everything was hired； and the mercenaries in
attendance were profound strangers to me。 Behind a door； in the
crumby part of the night when wine…glasses were to be found in
unexpected spots； I spoke to Her … spoke out to Her。 What passed；
I cannot as a man of honour reveal。 She was all angelical
gentleness； but a word was mentioned … a short and dreadful word of
three letters； beginning with a B… which； as I remarked at the
moment； 'scorched my brain。' She went away soon afterwards； and
when the hollow throng （though to be sure it was no fault of
theirs） dispersed； I issued forth； with a dissipated scorner； and；
as I mentioned expressly to him； 'sought oblivion。' It was found；
with a dreadful headache in it； but it didn't last； for； in the
shaming light of next day's noon； I raised my heavy head in bed；
looking back to the birthdays behind me； and tracking the circle by
which I had got round； after all； to the bitter powder and the
wretchedness again。
This reactionary powder （taken so largely by the human race I am
inclined to regard it as the Universal Medicine once sought for in
Laboratories） is capable of being made up in another form for
birthday use。 Anybody's long…lost brother will do ill to turn up
on a birthday。 If I had a long…lost brother I should know
beforehand that he would prove a tremendous fraternal failure if he
appointed to rush into my arms on my birthday。 The first Magic
Lantern I ever saw； was secretly and elaborately planned to be the
great effect of a very juvenile birthday； but it wouldn't act； and
its images were dim。 My experience of adult birthday Magic
Lanterns may possibly have been unfortunate； but has certainly been
similar。 I have an illustrative birthday in my eye： a birthday of
my friend Flipfield； whose birthdays had long been remarkable as
social successes。 There had been nothing set or formal about them；
Flipfield having been accustomed merely to say； two or three days
before； 'Don't forget to come and dine； old boy； according to
custom；' … I don't know what he said to the ladies he invited； but
I may safely assume it NOT to have been 'old girl。' Those were
delightful gatherings； and were enjoyed by all participators。 In
an evil hour； a long…lost brother of Flipfield's came to light in
foreign parts。 Where he had been hidden； or what he had been
doing； I don't know； for Flipfield vaguely informed me that he had
turned up 'on the banks of the Ganges' … speaking of him as if he
had been washed ashore。 The Long…lost was coming home； and
Flipfield made an unfortunate calculation； based on the well…known
regularity of the P。 and O。 Steamers； that matters might be so
contrived as that the Long…lost should appear in the nick of time
on his （Flipfield's） birthday。 Delicacy commanded that I should
repress the gloomy anticipations with which my soul became fraught
when I heard of this plan。 The fatal day arrived； and we assembled
in force。 Mrs。 Flipfield senior formed an interesting feature in
the group； with a blue…veined miniature of the late Mr。 Flipfield
round her neck； in an oval； resembling a tart from the
pastrycook's： his hair powdered； and the bright buttons on his
coat； evidently very like。 She was accompanied by Miss Flipfield；
the eldest of her numerous family； who held her pocket…handkerchief
to her bosom in a majestic manner； and spoke to all of us （none of
us had ever seen her before）； in pious and condoning tones； of all
the quarrels that had taken place in the family； from her infancy …
which must have been a long time ago … down to that hour。 The
Long…lost did not appear。 Dinner； half an hour later than usual；
was announced； and still no Long…lost。 We sat down to table。 The
knife and fork of the Long…lost made a vacuum in Nature； and when
the champagne came round for the first time； Flipfield gave him up
for the day； and had them removed。 It was then that the Long…lost
gained the height of his popularity with the company； for my own
part； I felt convinced that I loved him dearly。 Flipfield's
dinners are perfect； and he is the easiest and best of
entertainers。 Dinner went on brilliantly； and the more the Long…
lost didn't come； the more comfortable we grew； and the more highly
we thought of him。 Flipfield's own man （who has a regard for me）
was in the act of struggling with an ignorant stipendiary； to wrest
from him the wooden leg of a Guinea…fowl which he was pressing on
my acceptance； and to substitute a slice of the breast； when a
ringing at the door…bell suspended the strife。 I looked round me；
and perceived the sudden pallor which I knew my own visage
revealed； reflected in the faces of the company。 Flipfield
hurriedly excused himself； went out； was absent for about a minute
or two； and then re…entered with the Long…lost。
I beg to say distinctly that if the stranger had brought Mont Blanc
with him； or had come attended by a retinue of eternal snows； he
could not have chilled the circle to the marrow in a more efficient
manner。 Embodied Failure sat enthroned upon the Long…lost's brow；
and pervaded him to his Long…lost boots。 In vain Mrs。 Flipfield
senior； opening her arms； exclaimed； 'My Tom！' and pressed his nose
against the counterfeit presentment of his other parent。 In vain
Miss Flipfield； in the first transports of this re…union； showed
him a dint upon her maidenly cheek； and asked him if he remembered
when he did that with the bellows？ We； the bystanders； were
overcome； but overcome by the palpable； undisguisable； utter； and
total break…down of the Long…lost。 Nothing he could have done
would have set him right with us but his instant return to the
Ganges。 In the very same moments it became established that the
feeling was reciprocal； and that the Long…lost detested us。 When a
friend of the family （not myself； upon my honour）； wishing to set
things going again； asked him； while he partook of soup … asked him
with an amiability of intention beyond all praise； but with a
weakness of execution open to defeat … what kind of river he
considered the Ganges； the Long…lost； scowling at the friend of the
family over his spoon； as one of an abhorrent race； replied； 'Why；
a river of water； I suppose；' and spooned his soup into himself
with a malignancy of hand and eye that blighted the amiable
questioner。 Not an opinion could be elicited from the Long…lost；
in unison with the sentiments of any individual present。 He
contradicted Flipfield dead； before he had eaten his salmon。 He
had no idea … or affected to have no idea … that it was his
brother's birthday； and on the communication of that interesting
fact to him； merely wanted to make him out four years older than he
was。 He was an antipathetical being； with a peculiar power and
gift of treading on everybody's tenderest place。 They talk in
America of a man's 'Platform。' I should describe the Platform of
the Long…lost as a Platform composed of other people's corns； on
which he had stumped his way； with all his might and main； to his
present position。 It is needless to add that Flipfield's great
birthday went by the board； and that he was a wreck when I
pretended at parting to wish him many happy returns of it。
There is another class of birthdays at which I have so frequently
assisted； that I may assume such birthd
