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what with banging; booming and shrieking the scores of miles away;

I am hungry when I arrive at the 'Refreshment' station where I am

expected。  Please to observe; expected。  I have said; I am hungry;

perhaps I might say; with greater point and force; that I am to

some extent exhausted; and that I need … in the expressive French

sense of the word … to be restored。  What is provided for my

restoration?  The apartment that is to restore me is a wind…trap;

cunningly set to inveigle all the draughts in that country…side;

and to communicate a special intensity and velocity to them as they

rotate in two hurricanes:  one; about my wretched head:  one; about

my wretched legs。  The training of the young ladies behind the

counter who are to restore me; has been from their infancy directed

to the assumption of a defiant dramatic show that I am NOT

expected。  It is in vain for me to represent to them by my humble

and conciliatory manners; that I wish to be liberal。  It is in vain

for me to represent to myself; for the encouragement of my sinking

soul; that the young ladies have a pecuniary interest in my

arrival。  Neither my reason nor my feelings can make head against

the cold glazed glare of eye with which I am assured that I am not

expected; and not wanted。  The solitary man among the bottles would

sometimes take pity on me; if he dared; but he is powerless against

the rights and mights of Woman。  (Of the page I make no account;

for; he is a boy; and therefore the natural enemy of Creation。)

Chilling fast; in the deadly tornadoes to which my upper and lower

extremities are exposed; and subdued by the moral disadvantage at

which I stand; I turn my disconsolate eyes on the refreshments that

are to restore me。  I find that I must either scald my throat by

insanely ladling into it; against time and for no wager; brown hot

water stiffened with flour; or I must make myself flaky and sick

with Banbury cake; or; I must stuff into my delicate organisation;

a currant pincushion which I know will swell into immeasurable

dimensions when it has got there; or; I must extort from an iron…

bound quarry; with a fork; as if I were farming an inhospitable

soil; some glutinous lumps of gristle and grease; called pork…pie。

While thus forlornly occupied; I find that the depressing banquet

on the table is; in every phase of its profoundly unsatisfactory

character; so like the banquet at the meanest and shabbiest of

evening parties; that I begin to think I must have 'brought down'

to supper; the old lady unknown; blue with cold; who is setting her

teeth on edge with a cool orange at my elbow … that the pastrycook

who has compounded for the company on the lowest terms per head; is

a fraudulent bankrupt; redeeming his contract with the stale stock

from his window … that; for some unexplained reason; the family

giving the party have become my mortal foes; and have given it on

purpose to affront me。  Or; I fancy that I am 'breaking up' again;

at the evening conversazione at school; charged two…and…sixpence in

the half…year's bill; or breaking down again at that celebrated

evening party given at Mrs。 Bogles's boarding…house when I was a

boarder there; on which occasion Mrs。 Bogles was taken in execution

by a branch of the legal profession who got in as the harp; and was

removed (with the keys and subscribed capital) to a place of

durance; half an hour prior to the commencement of the festivities。



Take another case。



Mr。 Grazinglands; of the Midland Counties; came to London by

railroad one morning last week; accompanied by the amiable and

fascinating Mrs。 Grazinglands。  Mr。 G。 is a gentleman of a

comfortable property; and had a little business to transact at the

Bank of England; which required the concurrence and signature of

Mrs。 G。  Their business disposed of; Mr。 and Mrs。 Grazinglands

viewed the Royal Exchange; and the exterior of St。 Paul's

Cathedral。  The spirits of Mrs。 Grazinglands then gradually

beginning to flag; Mr。 Grazinglands (who is the tenderest of

husbands) remarked with sympathy; 'Arabella'; my dear; 'fear you

are faint。'  Mrs。 Grazing…lands replied; 'Alexander; I am rather

faint; but don't mind me; I shall be better presently。'  Touched by

the feminine meekness of this answer; Mr。 Grazinglands looked in at

a pastrycook's window; hesitating as to the expediency of lunching

at that establishment。  He beheld nothing to eat; but butter in

various forms; slightly charged with jam; and languidly frizzling

over tepid water。  Two ancient turtle…shells; on which was

inscribed the legend; 'SOUPS;' decorated a glass partition within;

enclosing a stuffy alcove; from which a ghastly mockery of a

marriage…breakfast spread on a rickety table; warned the terrified

traveller。  An oblong box of stale and broken pastry at reduced

prices; mounted on a stool; ornamented the doorway; and two high

chairs that looked as if they were performing on stilts;

embellished the counter。  Over the whole; a young lady presided;

whose gloomy haughtiness as she surveyed the street; announced a

deep…seated grievance against society; and an implacable

determination to be avenged。  From a beetle…haunted kitchen below

this institution; fumes arose; suggestive of a class of soup which

Mr。 Grazinglands knew; from painful experience; enfeebles the mind;

distends the stomach; forces itself into the complexion; and tries

to ooze out at the eyes。  As he decided against entering; and

turned away; Mrs。 Grazinglands becoming perceptibly weaker;

repeated; 'I am rather faint; Alexander; but don't mind me。'  Urged

to new efforts by these words of resignation; Mr。 Grazinglands

looked in at a cold and floury baker's shop; where utilitarian buns

unrelieved by a currant; consorted with hard biscuits; a stone

filter of cold water; a hard pale clock; and a hard little old

woman with flaxen hair; of an undeveloped…farinaceous aspect; as if

she had been fed upon seeds。  He might have entered even here; but

for the timely remembrance coming upon him that Jairing's was but

round the corner。



Now; Jairing's being an hotel for families and gentlemen; in high

repute among the midland counties; Mr。 Grazinglands plucked up a

great spirit when he told Mrs。 Grazinglands she should have a chop

there。  That lady; likewise felt that she was going to see Life。

Arriving on that gay and festive scene; they found the second

waiter; in a flabby undress; cleaning the windows of the empty

coffee…room; and the first waiter; denuded of his white tie; making

up his cruets behind the Post…Office Directory。  The latter (who

took them in hand) was greatly put out by their patronage; and

showed his mind to be troubled by a sense of the pressing necessity

of instantly smuggling Mrs。 Grazinglands into the obscurest corner

of the building。  This slighted lady (who is the pride of her

division of the county) was immediately conveyed; by several dark

passages; and up and down several steps; into a penitential

apartment at the back of the house; where five invalided old plate…

warmers leaned up against one another under a discarded old

melancholy sideboard; and where the wintry leaves of all the

dining…tables in the house lay thick。  Also; a sofa; of

incomprehensible form regarded from any sofane point of view;

murmured 'Bed;' while an air of mingled fluffiness and heeltaps;

added; 'Second Waiter's。'  Secreted in this dismal hold; objects of

a mysterious distrust and suspicion; Mr。 Grazinglands and his

charming partner waited twenty minutes for the smoke (for it never

came to a fire); twenty…five minutes for the sherry; half an hour

for the tablecloth; forty minutes for the knives and forks; three…

quarters of an hour for the chops; and an hour for the potatoes。

On settling the little bill … which was not much more than the

day's pay of a Lieutenant in the navy … Mr。  Grazinglands took

heart to remonstrate against the general quality and cost of his

reception。  To whom the waiter replied; substantially; that

Jairing's made it a merit to have accepted him on any terms:

'for;' added the waiter (unmistakably coughing at Mrs。

Grazinglands; the pride of her division of the county); 'when

indiwiduals is not staying in the 'Ouse; their favours is not as a

rule looked upon as making it worth Mr。 Jairing's while; nor is it;

indeed; a style of business Mr。 Jairing wishes。'  Finally; Mr。 and

Mrs。 Grazinglands passed out of Jairing's hotel for Families and

Gentlemen; in a state of the greatest depression; scorned by the

bar; and did not recover their self…respect for several days。



Or take another case。  Take your own case。



You are going off by railway; from any Terminus。  You have twenty

minutes for dinner; before you go。  You want your dinner; and like

Dr。 Johnson; Sir; you like to dine。  You present to your mind; a

picture of the refreshment…table at that terminus。  The

conventional shabby evening…party supper … accepted as the model

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