the wife and other stories-第22节
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。 Every moment I must have the skill to snatch out of that vast mass of material what is most important and necessary； and； as rapidly as my words flow； clothe my thought in a form in which it can be grasped by the monster's intelligence； and may arouse its attention； and at the same time one must keep a sharp lookout that one's thoughts are conveyed； not just as they come； but in a certain order； essential for the correct composition of the picture I wish to sketch。 Further； I endeavour to make my diction literary； my definitions brief and precise； my wording； as far as possible； simple and eloquent。 Every minute I have to pull myself up and remember that I have only an hour and forty minutes at my disposal。 In short； one has one's work cut out。 At one and the same minute one has to play the part of savant and teacher and orator； and it's a bad thing if the orator gets the upper hand of the savant or of the teacher in one； or _vice versa_。
You lecture for a quarter of an hour； for half an hour； when you notice that the students are beginning to look at the ceiling； at Pyotr Ignatyevitch； one is feeling for his handkerchief； another shifts in his seat； another smiles at his thoughts。 。 。 。 That means that their attention is flagging。 Something must be done。 Taking advantage of the first opportunity； I make some pun。 A broad grin comes on to a hundred and fifty faces； the eyes shine brightly； the sound of the sea is audible for a brief moment。 。 。 。 I laugh too。 Their attention is refreshed； and I can go on。
No kind of sport； no kind of game or diversion； has ever given me such enjoyment as lecturing。 Only at lectures have I been able to abandon myself entirely to passion； and have understood that inspiration is not an invention of the poets； but exists in real life； and I imagine Hercules after the most piquant of his exploits felt just such voluptuous exhaustion as I experience after every lecture。
That was in old times。 Now at lectures I feel nothing but torture。 Before half an hour is over I am conscious of an overwhelming weakness in my legs and my shoulders。 I sit down in my chair； but I am not accustomed to lecture sitting down； a minute later I get up and go on standing； then sit down again。 There is a dryness in my mouth； my voice grows husky； my head begins to go round。 。 。 。 To conceal my condition from my audience I continually drink water； cough； often blow my nose as though I were hindered by a cold； make puns inappropriately； and in the end break off earlier than I ought to。 But above all I am ashamed。
My conscience and my intelligence tell me that the very best thing I could do now would be to deliver a farewell lecture to the boys； to say my last word to them； to bless them； and give up my post to a man younger and stronger than me。 But； God； be my judge； I have not manly courage enough to act according to my conscience。
Unfortunately； I am not a philosopher and not a theologian。 I know perfectly well that I cannot live more than another six months； it might be supposed that I ought now to be chiefly concerned with the question of the shadowy life beyond the grave； and the visions that will visit my slumbers in the tomb。 But for some reason my soul refuses to recognize these questions； though my mind is fully alive to their importance。 Just as twenty； thirty years ago； so now； on the threshold of death； I am interested in nothing but science。 As I yield up my last breath I shall still believe that science is the most important； the most splendid； the most essential thing in the life of man； that it always has been and will be the highest manifestation of love； and that only by means of it will man conquer himself and nature。 This faith is perhaps naive and may rest on false assumptions； but it is not my fault that I believe that and nothing else； I cannot overcome in myself this belief。
But that is not the point。 I only ask people to be indulgent to my weakness； and to realize that to tear from the lecture…theatre and his pupils a man who is more interested in the history of the development of the bone medulla than in the final object of creation would be equivalent to taking him and nailing him up in his coffin without waiting for him to be dead。
Sleeplessness and the consequent strain of combating increasing weakness leads to something strange in me。 In the middle of my lecture tears suddenly rise in my throat； my eyes begin to smart； and I feel a passionate； hysterical desire to stretch out my hands before me and break into loud lamentation。 I want to cry out in a loud voice that I； a famous man； have been sentenced by fate to the death penalty； that within some six months another man will be in control here in the lecture…theatre。 I want to shriek that I am poisoned； new ideas such as I have not known before have poisoned the last days of my life； and are still stinging my brain like mosquitoes。 And at that moment my position seems to me so awful that I want all my listeners to be horrified； to leap up from their seats and to rush in panic terror； with desperate screams； to the exit。
It is not easy to get through such moments。
II
After my lecture I sit at home and work。 I read journals and monographs； or prepare my next lecture； sometimes I write something。 I work with interruptions； as I have from time to time to see visitors。
There is a ring at the bell。 It is a colleague come to discuss some business matter with me。 He comes in to me with his hat and his stick； and； holding out both these objects to me； says：
〃Only for a minute！ Only for a minute！ Sit down； _collega_！ Only a couple of words。〃
To begin with； we both try to show each other that we are extraordinarily polite and highly delighted to see each other。 I make him sit down in an easy…chair； and he makes me sit down； as we do so； we cautiously pat each other on the back； touch each other's buttons； and it looks as though we were feeling each other and afraid of scorching our fingers。 Both of us laugh； though we say nothing amusing。 When we are seated we bow our heads towards each other and begin talking in subdued voices。 However affectionately disposed we may be to one another； we cannot help adorning our conversation with all sorts of Chinese mannerisms； such as 〃As you so justly observed；〃 or 〃I have already had the honour to inform you〃； we cannot help laughing if one of us makes a joke； however unsuccessfully。 When we have finished with business my colleague gets up impulsively and； waving his hat in the direction of my work； begins to say good…bye。 Again we paw one another and laugh。 I see him into the hall； when I assist my colleague to put on his coat； while he does all he can to decline this high honour。 Then when Yegor opens the door my colleague declares that I shall catch cold； while I make a show of being ready to go even into the street with him。 And when at last I go back into my study my face still goes on smiling； I suppose from inertia。
A little later another ring at the bell。 Somebody comes into the hall； and is a long time coughing and taking off his things。 Yegor announces a student。 I tell him to ask him in。 A minute later a young man of agreeable appearance comes in。 For the last year he and I have been on strained relations； he answers me disgracefully at the examinations； and I mark him one。 Every year I have some seven such hopefuls whom； to express it in the students' slang； I 〃chivy〃 or 〃floor。〃 Those of them who fail in their examination through incapacity or illness usually bear their cross patiently and do not haggle with me； those who come to the house and haggle with me are always youths of sanguine temperament； broad natures； whose failure at examinations spoils their appetites and hinders them from visiting the opera with their usual regularity。 I let the first class off easily； but the second I chivy through a whole year。
〃Sit down；〃 I say to my visitor； 〃what have you to tell me？〃
〃Excuse me； professor； for troubling you；〃 he begins； hesitating； and not looking me in the face。 〃I would not have ventured to trouble you if it had not been 。 。 。 I have been up for your examination five times； and have been ploughed。 。 。 。 I beg you； be so good as to mark me for a pass； because 。 。 。〃
The argument which all the sluggards bring forward on their own behalf is always the same； they have passed well in all their subjects and have only come to grief in mine； and that is the more surprising because they have always been particularly interested in my subject and knew it so well； their failure has always been entirely owing to some incomprehensible misunderstanding。
〃Excuse me； my friend；〃 I say to the visitor； 〃I cannot mark you for a pass。 Go and read up the lectures and come to me again。 Then we shall see。〃
A pause。 I feel an impulse to torment the student a little for liking beer and the opera better than science； and I say； with a sigh：
〃To my mind； the best thing you can do now is to give up medicine altogether。 If； with your abilities； you cannot succeed in passing the examination； it's evident that you have neither the desire nor the vocation for a doctor's calling。〃
The sanguine youth's face lengthens。
〃Excuse me； professor；〃 he laughs； 〃but that would be odd
