youth-第9节

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third。　On　the　strength　of　it　I　had　begun　to　swagger　a　little；　and

to　think　that；　for　all　my　youth；　I　was　not　to　be　despised。



From　the　first　day　of　the　examinations；　I　had　heard　every　one

speak　with　awe　of　the　Professor　of　Latin；　who　appeared　to　be　some

sort　of　a　wild　beast　who　battened　on　the　financial　ruin　of　young

men　（of　those；　that　is　to　say；　who　paid　their　own　fees）　and　spoke

only　in　the　Greek　and　Latin　tongues。　However；　St。　Jerome；　who　had

coached　me　in　Latin；　spoke　encouragingly；　and　I　myself　thought

that；　since　I　could　translate　Cicero　and　certain　parts　of　Horace

without　the　aid　of　a　lexicon；　I　should　do　no　worse　than　the　rest。

Yet　things　proved　otherwise。　All　the　morning　the　air　had　been

full　of　rumours　concerning　the　tribulations　of　candidates　who　had

gone　up　before　me：　rumours　of　how　one　young　fellow　had　been

accorded　a　nought；　another　one　a　single　mark　only；　a　third　one

greeted　with　abuse　and　threatened　with　expulsion；　and　so　forth。

Only　Semenoff　and　the　first　gymnasium　student　had；　as　usual；　gone

up　quietly；　and　returned　to　their　seats　with　five　marks　credited

to　their　names。　Already　I　felt　a　prescience　of　disaster　when

Ikonin　and　myself　found　ourselves　summoned　to　the　little　table　at

which　the　terrible　professor　sat　in　solitary　grandeur。



The　terrible　professor　turned　out　to　be　a　little　thin；　bilious…

looking　man　with　hair　long　and　greasy　and　a　face　expressive　of

extraordinary　sullenness。　Handing　Ikonin　a　copy　of　Cicero's

Orations；　he　bid　him　translate。　To　my　great　astonishment　Ikonin

not　only　read　off　some　of　the　Latin；　but　even　managed　to　construe

a　few　lines　to　the　professor's　prompting。　At　the　same　time；

conscious　of　my　superiority　over　such　a　feeble　companion；　I　could

not　help　smiling　a　little；　and　even　looking　rather　contemptuous；

when　it　came　to　a　question　of　analysis；　and　Ikonin；　as　on

previous　occasions；　plunged　into　a　silence　which　promised　never

to　end。　I　had　hoped　to　please　the　professor　by　that　knowing；

slightly　sarcastic　smile　of　mine；　but；　as　a　matter　of　fact；　I

contrived　to　do　quite　the　contrary。



〃Evidently　you　know　better　than　he；　since　you　are　laughing；〃　he

said　to　me　in　bad　Russian。　〃Well；　we　shall　see。　Tell　me　the

answer；　then。〃



Later　I　learnt　that　the　professor　was　Ikonin's　guardian；　and　that

Ikonin　actually　lived　with　him。　I　lost　no　time　in　answering　the

question　in　syntax　which　had　been　put　to　Ikonin；　but　the

professor　only　pulled　a　long　face　and　turned　away　from　me。



〃Well；　your　turn　will　come　presently；　and　then　we　shall　see　how

much　you　know；〃　he　remarked；　without　looking　at　me；　but

proceeding　to　explain　to　Ikonin　the　point　on　which　he　had

questioned　him。



〃That　will　do；〃　he　added；　and　I　saw　him　put　down　four　marks　to

Ikonin　in　his　register。　〃Come！〃　I　thought　to　myself。　〃He　cannot

be　so　strict　after　all。〃



When　Ikonin　had　taken　his　departure　the　professor　spent　fully

five　minutesfive　minutes　which　seemed　to　me　five　hoursin

setting　his　books　and　tickets　in　order；　in　blowing　his　nose；　in

adjusting　and　sprawling　about　on　his　chair；　in　gazing　down　the

hall；　and　in　looking　here；　there；　and　everywherein　doing

everything；　in　fact；　except　once　letting　his　eye　rest　upon　me。

Yet　even　that　amount　of　dissimulation　did　not　seem　to　satisfy

him；　for　he　next　opened　a　book；　and　pretended　to　read　it；　for　all

the　world　as　though　I　were　not　there　at　all。　I　moved　a　little

nearer　him；　and　gave　a　cough。



〃Ah；　yes！　You　too；　of　course！　Well；　translate　me　something；〃　he

remarked；　handing　me　a　book　of　some　kind。　〃But　no；　you　had　better

take　this；〃　and；　turning　over　the　leaves　of　a　Horace；　he

indicated　to　me　a　passage　which　I　should　never　have　imagined

possible　of　translation。



〃I　have　not　prepared　this；〃　I　said。



〃Oh！　Then　you　only　wish　to　answer　things　which　you　have　got　by

heart；　do　you？　Indeed？　No；　no；　translate　me　that。〃



I　started　to　grope　for　the　meaning　of　the　passage；　but　each

questioning　look　which　I　threw　at　the　professor　was　met　by　a

shake　of　the　head；　a　profound　sigh；　and　an　exclamation　of　〃No；

no！〃　Finally　he　banged　the　book　to　with　such　a　snap　that　he

caught　his　finger　between　the　covers。　Angrily　releasing　it；　he

handed　me　a　ticket　containing　questions　in　grammar；　and；　flinging

himself　back　in　his　chair；　maintained　a　menacing　silence。　I

should　have　tried　to　answer　the　questions　had　not　the　expression

of　his　face　so　clogged　my　tongue　that　nothing　seemed　to　come　from

it　right。



〃No；　no！　That's　not　it　at　all！〃　he　suddenly　exclaimed　in　his

horrible　accent　as　he　altered　his　posture　to　one　of　leaning

forward　upon　the　table　and　playing　with　the　gold　signet…ring

which　was　nearly　slipping　from　the　little　finger　of　his　left

hand。　〃That　is　not　the　way　to　prepare　for　serious　study；　my　good

sir。　Fellows　like　yourself　think　that；　once　they　have　a　gown　and

a　blue　collar　to　their　backs；　they　have　reached　the　summit　of　all

things　and　become　students。　No；　no；　my　dear　sir。　A　subject　needs

to　be　studied　FUNDAMENTALLY；〃　and　so　on；　and　so　on。



During　this　speech　（which　was　uttered　with　a　clipped　sort　of

intonation）　I　went　on　staring　dully　at　his　lowered　eyelids。

Beginning　with　a　fear　lest　I　should　lose　my　place　as　third　on　the

list；　I　went　on　to　fear　lest　I　should　pass　at　all。　Next；　these

feelings　became　reinforced　by　a　sense　of　injustice；　injured　self…

respect；　and　unmerited　humiliation；　while　the　contempt　which　I

felt　for　the　professor　as　some　one　not　quite　（according　to　my

ideas）　〃comme　il　faut〃a　fact　which　I　deduced　from　the

shortness；　strength；　and　roundness　of　his　nailsflared　up　in　me

more　and　more　and　turned　all　my　other　feelings　to　sheer

animosity。　Happening；　presently；　to　glance　at　me；　and　to　note　my

quivering　lips　and　tear…filled　eyes；　he　seemed　to　interpret　my

agitation　as　a　desire　to　be　accorded　my　marks　and　dismissed：

wherefore；　with　an　air　of　relenting；　he　said　（in　the　presence　of

another　professor　who　had　just　approached）：



〃Very　well；　I　will　accord　you　a　'pass'〃　（which　signified　two

marks）；　〃although　you　do　not　deserve　it。　I　do　so　simply　out　of

consideration　for　your　youth；　and　in　the　hope　that；　when　you

begin　your　University　career；　you　will　learn　to　be　less　light…

minded。〃



The　concluding　phrase；　uttered　in　the　hearing　of　the　other

professor　（who　at　once　turned　his　eyes　upon　me；　as　though

remarking；　〃There！　You　see；　young　man！〃）　completed　my

discomfiture。　For　a　moment；　a　mist　swam　before　my　eyesa　mist　in

which　the　terrible　professor　seemed　to　be　far　away；　as　he　sat　at

his　table　while　for　an　instant　a　wild　idea　danced　through　my

brain。　〃What　if　I　DID　do　such　a　thing？〃　I　thought　to　myself。

〃What　would　come　of　it？〃　However；　I　did　not　do　the　thing　in

question；　but；　on　the　contrary；　made　a　bow　of　peculiar　reverence

to　each　of　the　professors；　and　with　a　slight　smile　on　my　face

presumably　the　same　smile　as　that　with　which　I　had　derided

Ikoninturned　away　from　the　table。



This　piece　of　unfairness　affected　me　so　powerfully　at　the　time

that；　had　I　been　a　free　agent；　I　should　have　attended　for　no　more

examinations。　My　ambition　was　gone　（since　now　I　could　not

possibly　be　third）；　and　I　therefore　let　the　other　examinations

pass　without　any　exertion；　or　even　agitation；　on　my　part。　In　the

general　list　I　still　stood　fourth；　but　that　failed　to　interest

me；　since　I　had　reasoned　things　out　to　myself；　and　come　to　the

conclusion　that　to　try　for　first　place　was　stupideven　〃bad

form：〃　that；　in　fact；　it　was　better　to　pass　neither　very　well　nor

very　badly；　as　Woloda　had　done。　This　attitude　I　decided　to

maintain　throughout　the　whole　of　my　University　career；

notwithstanding　that　it　was　the　first　point　on　which　my　opinion

had　differed　from　that　of　my　friend　Dimitri。



Yet；　to　tell　the　truth；　my　thoughts　were　already　turning　towards

a　uniform；　a　〃mortar…board；〃　and　the　possession　of　a　drozhki　of

my　own；　a　room　of　my　own；　and；　above　all；　freedom　of　my　own。　And

certainly　the　prospect　had　its　charm。





XIII



I　BECOME　GROWN…UP



When；　on　May　8th；　I　returned　home　from　the　final；　the　divinity；

examination；　I　found　my　acquaintance；　the　foreman　from

Rozonoff's；　awaiting　me。　He　had　called　once　before　to　fit　me　for

my　gown；　as　well　as　for　a　tunic　of　glossy　black　cloth　（the　lapels

of　which　were；　on　that　occasion；　only　sketched　in　chalk）；　but　to…

day　he　had　come　to　bring　me　the　clothes　in　their　finished　state；

with　their　gilt　buttons　wrapped　in　tissue　paper。



Donning　the　garments；　and　finding　them　splendid　（notwithstanding

that　St。　Jerome　assured　me　that　the　back　of　the　tunic　wrinkled

badly）；　I　went　downstairs　with　a　complacent　smile　which　I　was

powerless　to　banish　from　my　face；　and　sought　Woloda；　trying　the

while　to　affect　unconsciousness　of　the　admiring　looks　of　the

servants；　who　came　darting　out　of　the　hall　and　corridor　to　gaze

upon　me　with　ravished　eyes。　Gabriel；　the　butler；　overtook　me　in

the　salle；　and；　after　congratulating　me　with　much　empresseme