youth-第4节

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far　as　Lubotshka　and　Katenka　were　concerned）；　failed　to　shake　the

benevolent　frame　of　mind　into　which　I　had　fallen。　I　was　unusually

good…humoured　that　day；　and　listened　to　everything　with　a　smile

and　a　studied　air　of　kindness。　Even　when　I　asked　for　the　kvas　I

did　so　politely；　while　I　lost　not　a　moment　in　agreeing　with　St。

Jerome　when　he　told　me　that　it　was　undoubtedly　more　correct　to

say　〃Je　peux〃　than　〃Je　puis。〃　Yet；　I　must　confess　to　a　certain

disappointment　at　finding　that　no　one　paid　any　particular

attention　to　my　politeness　and　good…humour。　After　luncheon；

Lubotshka　showed　me　a　paper　on　which　she　had　written　down　a　list

of　her　sins：　upon　which　I　observed　that；　although　the　idea　was

excellent　so　far　as　it　went；　it　would　be　still　better　for　her　to

write　down　her　sins　on　her　SOUL〃a　very　different　matter。〃



〃Why　is　it　'a　very　different　matter'？〃　asked　Lubotshka。



〃Never　mind：　that　is　all　right；　you　do　not　understand　me；〃　and　I

went　upstairs　to　my　room；　telling　St。　Jerome　that　I　was　going　to

work；　but　in　reality　purposing　to　occupy　the　hour　and　a　half

before　confession　time　in　writing　down　a　list　of　my　daily　tasks

and　duties　which　should　last　me　all　my　life；　together　with　a

statement　of　my　life's　aim；　and　the　rules　by　which　I　meant

unswervingly　to　be　guided。



v



MY　RULES



I　TOOK　some　sheets　of　paper；　and　tried；　first　of　all；　to　make　a

list　of　my　tasks　and　duties　for　the　coming　year。　The　paper　needed

ruling；　but；　as　I　could　not　find　the　ruler；　I　had　to　use　a　Latin

dictionary　instead。　The　result　was　that；　when　I　had　drawn　the　pen

along　the　edge　of　the　dictionary　and　removed　the　latter；　I　found

that；　in　place　of　a　line；　I　had　only　made　an　oblong　smudge　on　the

paper；　since　the；　dictionary　was　not　long　enough　to　reach　across

it；　and　the　pen　had　slipped　round　the　soft；　yielding　corner　of

the　book。　Thereupon　I　took　another　piece　of　paper；　and；　by

carefully　manipulating　the　dictionary；　contrived　to　rule　what　at

least　RESEMBLED　lines。　Dividing　my　duties　into　three　sections

my　duties　to　myself；　my　duties　to　my　neighbour；　and　my　duties　to

GodI　started　to　indite　a　list　of　the　first　of　those　sections；

but　they　seemed　to　me　so　numerous；　and　therefore　requiring　to　be

divided　into　so　many　species　and　subdivisions；　that　I　thought　I

had　better　first　of　all　write　down　the　heading　of　〃Rules　of　My

Life〃　before　proceeding　to　their　detailed　inscription。

Accordingly；　I　proceeded　to　write　〃Rules　of　My　Life〃　on　the

outside　of　the　six　sheets　of　paper　which　I　had　made　into　a　sort

of　folio；　but　the　words　came　out　in　such　a　crooked　and　uneven

scrawl　that　for　long　I　sat　debating　the　question；　〃Shall　I　write

them　again？〃for　long；　sat　in　agonised　contemplation　of　the

ragged　handwriting　and　disfigured　title…page。　Why　was　it　that　all

the　beauty　and　clarity　which　my　soul　then　contained　came　out　so

misshapenly　on　paper　（as　in　life　itself）　just　when　I　was　wishing

to　apply　those　qualities　to　what　I　was　thinking　at　the　moment？



〃The　priest　is　here；　so　please　come　downstairs　and　hear　his

directions；〃　said　Nicola　as　he　entered；



Hurriedly　concealing　my　folio　under　the　table…cloth；　I　looked　at

myself　in　the　mirror；　combed　my　hair　upwards　（I　imagined　this　to

give　me　a　pensive　air）；　and　descended　to　the　divannaia；　＇Room

with　divans；　or　ante…room＇　where　the　table　stood　covered　with　a

cloth　and　had　an　ikon　and　candles　placed　upon　it。　Papa　entered

just　as　I　did；　but　by　another　door：　whereupon　the　priesta　grey…

headed　old　monk　with　a　severe；　elderly　faceblessed　him；　and

Papa　kissed　his　small；　squat；　wizened　hand。　I　did　the　same。



〃Go　and　call　Woldemar；〃　said　Papa。　〃Where　is　he？　Wait　a　minute；

though。　Perhaps　he　is　preparing　for　the　Communion　at　the

University？〃



〃No；　he　is　with　the　Prince；〃　said　Katenka；　and　glanced　at

Lubotshka。　Suddenly　the　latter　blushed　for　some　reason　or

another；　and　then　frowned。　Finally；　pretending　that　she　was　not

well；　she　left　the　room；　and　I　followed　her。　In　the　drawing…room

she　halted；　and　began　to　pencil　something　fresh　on　her　paper　of

peccadilloes。



〃Well；　what　new　sin　have　you　gone　and　committed？〃　I　asked。



〃Nothing；〃　she　replied　with　another　blush。　All　at　once　we　heard

Dimitri's　voice　raised　in　the　hall　as　he　took　his　leave　of

Woloda。



〃It　seems　to　me　you　are　always　experiencing　some　new　temptation；〃

said　Katenka；　who　had　entered　the　room　behind　us；　and　now　stood

looking　at　Lubotshka。



What　was　the　matter　with　my　sister　I　could　not　conceive；　but　she

was　now　so　agitated　that　the　tears　were　starting　from　her　eyes。

Finally　her　confusion　grew　uncontrollable；　and　vented　itself　in

rage　against　both　herself　and　Katenka；　who　appeared　to　be　teasing

her。



〃Any　one　can　see　that　you　are　a　FOREIGNER！〃　she　cried　（nothing

offended　Katenka　so　much　as　to　be　called　by　that　term；　which　is

why　Lubotshka　used　it）。　〃Just　because　I　have　the　secret　of　which

you　know；〃　she　went　on；　with　anger　ringing　through　her　tone；　〃you

purposely　go　and　upset　me！　Please　do　understand　that　it　is　no

joking　matter。〃



〃Do　you　know　what　she　has　gone　and　written　on　her　paper；

Nicolinka？　cried　Katenka；　much　infuriated　by　the　term

〃foreigner。〃　〃She　has　written　down　that〃



〃Oh；　I　never　could　have　believed　that　you　could　be　so　cruel！〃

exclaimed　Lubotshka；　now　bursting　into　open　sobbing　as　she　moved

away　from　us。　〃You　chose　that　moment　on　purpose！　You　spend　your

whole　time　in　trying　to　make　me　sin！　I'll　never　go　to　YOU　again

for　sympathy　and　advice！〃



VI



CONFESSION



With　these　and　other　disjointed　impressions　in　my　mind；　I　returned

to　the　divannaia。　As　soon　as　every　one　had　reassembled；　the

priest　rose　and　prepared　to　read　the　prayer　before　confession。

The　instant　that　the　silence　was　broken　by　the　stern；　expressive

voice　of　the　monk　as　he　recited　the　prayerand　more　especially

when　he　addressed　to　us　the　words：　〃Reveal　thou　all　thy　sins

without　shame；　concealment；　or　extenuation；　and　let　thy　soul　be

cleansed　before　God：　for　if　thou　concealest　aught；　then　great

will　be　thy　sin〃the　same　sensation　of　reverent　awe　came　over　me

as　I　had　felt　during　the　morning。　I　even　took　a　certain　pleasure

in　recognising　this　condition　of　mine；　and　strove　to　preserve　it；

not　only　by　restraining　all　other　thoughts　from　entering　my

brain；　but　also　by　consciously　exerting　myself　to　feel　no　other

sensation　than　this　same　one　of　reverence。



Papa　was　the　first　to　go　to　confession。　He　remained　a　long；　long

time　in　the　room　which　had　belonged　to　our　grandmother；　and

during　that　time　the　rest　of　us　kept　silence　in　the　divannaia；　or

only　whispered　to　one　another　on　the　subject　of　who　should

precede　whom。　At　length；　the　voice　of　the　priest　again　reading　the

prayer　sounded　from　the　doorway；　and　then　Papa's　footsteps。　The

door　creaked　as　he　came　out；　coughing　and　holding　one　shoulder

higher　than　the　other；　in　his　usual　way；　and　for　the　moment　he

did　not　look　at　any　of　us。



〃YOU　go　now；　Luba；〃　he　said　presently；　as　he　gave　her　cheek　a

mischievous　pinch。　〃Mind　you　tell　him　everything。　You　are　my

greatest　sinner；　you　know。〃



Lubotshka　went　red　and　pale　by　turns；　took　her　memorandum　paper

out　of　her　apron；　replaced　it；　and　finally　moved　away　towards　the

doorway　with　her　head　sunk　between　her　shoulders　as　though　she

expected　to　receive　a　blow　upon　it　from　above。　She　was　not　long

gone；　and　when　she　returned　her　shoulders　were　shaking　with　sobs。



At　lengthnext　after　the　excellent　Katenka　（who　came　out　of　the

doorway　with　a　smile　on　her　face）my　turn　arrived。　I　entered　the

dimly…lighted　room　with　the　same　vague　feeling　of　awe；　the　same

conscious　eagerness　to　arouse　that　feeling　more　and　more　in　my

soul；　that　had　possessed　me　up　to　the　present　moment。　The　priest；

standing　in　front　of　a　reading…desk；　slowly　turned　his　face　to

me。



I　was　not　more　than　five　minutes　in　the　room；　but　came　out　from

it　happy　and　（so　I　persuaded　myself）　entirely　cleanseda　new；　a

morally　reborn　individual。　Despite　the　fact　that　the　old

surroundings　of　my　life　now　struck　me　as　unfamiliar　（even　though

the　rooms；　the　furniture；　and　my　own　figurewould　to　heavens

that　I　could　have　changed　my　outer　man　for　the　better　in　the　same

way　that　I　believed　myself　to　have　changed　my　inner　Iwere　the

same　as　before）；　I　remained　in　that　comfortable　attitude　of　mine

until　the　very　moment　of　bedtime。



Yet；　no　sooner　had　I　begun　to　grow　drowsy　with　the　conning　over

of　my　sins　than　in　a　flash　I　recollected　a　particularly　shameful

sin　which　I　had　suppressed　at　confession　time。　Instantly　the

words　of　the　prayer　before　confession　came　back　to　my　memory　and

began　sounding　in　my　ears。　My　peace　was　gone　for　ever。　〃For　if

thou　concealest　aught；　then　great　will　be　thy　sin。〃　Each　time

that　the　phrase　recurred　to　me　I　saw　myself　a　sinner　for　whom　no


punishment　was　adequate。　Long　did　I　toss　from　side　to　side　as　I

considered　my　position；　while　expecting　every　moment　to　be

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