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to　execute　octaves　with　his　left　hand　as　he　first　of　all　played

them　rapidly　with　his　thumb　and　little　finger；　and　then　slowly

closed　those　members；　and　then　played　the　octaves　afresh；　made　a

great　impression　upon　me。　This　graceful　gesture　of　his；　together

with　his　easy　pose　and　his　shaking　of　hair　and　successful　winning

of　the　ladies'　applause　by　his　talent；　ended　by　firing　me　to　take

up　the　piano。　Convinced　that　I　possessed　both　talent　and　a

passion　for　music；　I　set　myself　to　learn；　and；　in　doing　so；　acted

just　as　millions　of　the　malestill　more；　of　the　femalesex　have

done　who　try　to　teach　themselves　without　a　skilled　instructor；

without　any　real　turn　for　the　art；　or　without　the　smallest

understanding　either　of　what　the　art　can　give　or　of　what　ought　to

be　done　to　obtain　that　gift。　For　me　music　（or　rather；　piano…

playing）　was　simply　a　means　of　winning　the　ladies'　good　graces

through　their　sensibility。　With　the　help　of　Katenka　I　first

learnt　the　notes　（incidentally　breaking　several　of　them　with　my

clumsy　fingers）；　and　thenthat　is　to　say；　after　two　months　of

hard　work；　supplemented　by　ceaseless　twiddling　of　my　rebellious

fingers　on　my　knees　after　luncheon；　and　on　the　pillow　when　in

bedwent　on　to　〃pieces；〃　which　I　played　（so　Katenka　assured　me）

with　〃soul〃　（〃avec　ame〃）；　but　altogether　regardless　of　time。



My　range　of　pieces　was　the　usual　onewaltzes；　galops；

〃romances；〃　〃arrangements；〃　etcetera；　all　of　them　of　the　class　of

delightful　compositions　of　which　any　one　with　a　little　healthy

taste　could　point　out　a　selection　among　the　better　class　works

contained　in　any　volume　of　music　and　say；　〃These　are　what　you

ought　NOT　to　play；　seeing　that　anything　worse；　less　tasteful；　and

more　silly　has　never　yet　been　included　in　any　collection　of

music；〃but　which　（probably　for　that　very　reason）　are　to　be

found　on　the　piano　of　every　Russian　lady。　True；　we　also　possessed

an　unfortunate　volume　which　contained　Beethoven's　〃Sonate

Pathetique〃　and　the　C　minor　Sonata　（a　volume　lamed　for　life　by

the　ladiesmore　especially　by　Lubotshka；　who　used　to　discourse

music　from　it　in　memory　of　Mamma）；　as　well　as　certain　other　good

pieces　which　her　teacher　in　Moscow　had　given　her；　but　among　that

collection　there　were　likewise　compositions　of　the　teacher's　own；

in　the　shape　of　clumsy　marches　and　galopsand　these　too

Lubotshka　used　to　play！　Katenka　and　I　cared　nothing　for　serious

works；　but　preferred；　above　all　things；　〃Le　Fou〃　and　〃The

Nightingale〃the　latter　of　which　Katenka　would　play　until　her

fingers　almost　became　invisible；　and　which　I　too　was　beginning

to　execute　with　much　vigour　and　some　continuity。　I　had　adopted　the

gestures　of　the　young　man　of　whom　I　have　spoken；　and　frequently

regretted　that　there　were　no　strangers　present　to　see　me　play。

Soon；　however；　I　began　to　realise　that　Liszt　and　Kalkbrenner　were

beyond　me；　and　that　I　should　never　overtake　Katenka。

Accordingly；　imagining　that　classical　music　was　easier　（as　well

as；　partly；　for　the　sake　of　originality）；　I　suddenly　came　to　the

conclusion　that　I　loved　abstruse　German　music。　I　began　to　go　into

raptures　whenever　Lubotshka　played　the　〃Sonate　Pathetique；〃　and

although　（if　the　truth　be　told）　that　work　had　for　years　driven　me

to　the　verge　of　distraction；　I　set　myself　to　play　Beethoven；　and

to　talk　of　him　as　〃Beethoven。〃　Yet　through　all　this　chopping　and

changing　and　pretence　（as　I　now　conceive）　there　may　have　run　in

me　a　certain　vein　of　talent；　since　music　sometimes　affected　me

even　to　tears；　and　things　which　particularly　pleased　me　I　could

strum　on　the　piano　afterwards　（in　a　certain　fashion）　without　the

score；　so　that；　had　any　one　taught　me　at　that　period　to　look　upon

music　as　an　end；　a　grace；　in　itself；　and　not　merely　as　a　means

for　pleasing　womenfolk　with　the　velocity　and　pseudo…sentiment　of

one's　playing；　I　might　possibly　have　become　a　passable　musician。



The　reading　of　French　novels　（of　which　Woloda　had　brought

a　large　store　with　him　from　Moscow）　was　another　of　my　amusements

that　summer。　At　that　period　Monte　Cristo　and　Taine's　works　had

just　appeared；　while　I　also　revelled　in　stories　by　Sue；　Dumas；

and　Paul　de　Kock。　Even　their　most　unnatural　personages　and　events

were　for　me　as　real　as　actuality；　and　not　only　was　I　incapable　of

suspecting　an　author　of　lying；　but；　in　my　eyes；　there　existed　no

author　at　all。　That　is　to　say；　the　various　personages　and　events

of　a　book　paraded　themselves　before　me　on　the　printed　page　as

personages　and　events　that　were　alive　and　real；　and　although　I

had　never　in　my　life　met　such　characters　as　I　there　read　about；　I

never　for　a　second　doubted　that　I　should　one　day　do　so。　I

discovered　in　myself　all　the　passions　described　in　every　novel；

as　well　as　a　likeness　to　all　the　charactersheroes　and　villains

impartiallywho　figured　therein；　just　as　a　suspicious　man　finds

in　himself　the　signs　of　every　possible　disease　when　reading　a

book　on　medicine。　I　took　pleasure　both　in　the　cunning　designs；

the　glowing　sentiments；　the　tumultuous　events；　and　the　character…

drawing　of　these　works。　A　good　man　was　of　the　goodness；　a　bad　man

of　the　badness；　possible　only　to　the　imagination　of　early　youth。

Likewise　I　found　great　pleasure　in　the　fact　that　it　was　all

written　in　French；　and　that　I　could　lay　to　heart　the　fine　words

which　the　fine　heroes　spoke；　and　recall　them　for　use　some　day

when　engaged　in　some　noble　deed。　What　quantities　of　French

phrases　I　culled　from　those　books　for　Kolpikoff's　benefit　if　I

should　ever　meet　him　again；　as　well　as　for　HERS；　when　at　length　I

should　find　her　and　reveal　to　her　my　love！　For　them　both　I

prepared　speeches　which　should　overcome　them　as　soon　as　spoken！

Upon　novels；　too；　I　founded　new　ideals　of　the　moral　qualities

which　I　wished　to　attain。　First　of　all；　I　wished　to　be　NOBLE　in

all　my　deeds　and　conduct　（I　use　the　French　word　noble　instead　of

the　Russian　word　blagorodni　for　the　reason　that　the　former　has　a

different　meaning　to　the　latteras　the　Germans　well　understood

when　they　adopted　noble　as　nobel　and　differentiated　it　from

ehrlich）；　next；　to　be　strenuous；　and　lastly；　to　be　what　I　was

already　inclined　to　be；　namely；　comme　il　faut。　I　even　tried　to

approximate　my　appearance　and　bearing　to　that　of　the　heroes　who

possessed　these　qualities。　In　particular　I　remember　how　in　one　of

the　hundred　or　so　novels　which　I　read　that　summer　there　was　a

very　strenuous　hero　with　heavy　eyebrows；　and　that　I　so　greatly

wished　to　resemble　him　（I　felt　that　I　did　so　already　from　a　moral

point　of　view）　that　one　day；　when　looking　at　my　eyebrows　in　the

glass；　I　conceived　the　idea　of　clipping　them；　in　order　to　make

them　grow　bushier。　Unfortunately；　after　I　had　started　to　do　so；　I

happened　to　clip　one　spot　rather　shorter　than　the　rest；　and　so

had　to　level　down　the　rest　to　it…with　the　result　that；　to　my

horror；　I　beheld　myself　eyebrow…less；　and　anything　but

presentable。　However；　I　comforted　myself　with　the　reflection　that

my　eyebrows　would　soon　sprout　again　as　bushy　as　my　hero's；　and

was　only　perplexed　to　think　how　I　could　explain　the　circumstance

to　the　household　when　they　next　perceived　my　eyebrow…less

condition。　Accordingly　I　borrowed　some　gunpowder　from　Woloda；

rubbed　it　on　my　temples；　and　set　it　alight。　The　powder　did　not

fire　properly；　but　I　succeeded　in　singeing　myself　sufficiently　to

avert　all　suspicion　of　my　pranks。　And；　indeed；　afterwards；　when　I

had　forgotten　all　about　my　hero；　my　eyebrows　grew　again；　and　much

thicker　than　they　had　been　before。



XXXI



〃COMME　IL　FAUT〃



SEVERAL　times　in　the　course　of　this　narrative　I　have　hinted　at　an

idea　corresponding　to　the　above　French　heading；　and　now　feel　it

incumbent　upon　me　to　devote　a　whole　chapter　to　that　idea；　which

was　one　of　the　most　ruinous；　lying　notions　which　ever　became

engrafted　upon　my　life　by　my　upbringing　and　social　milieu。



The　human　race　may　be　divided　into　several　categoriesrich　and

poor；　good　and　bad；　military　and　civilian；　clever　and　stupid；　and

so　forth；　and　so　forth。　Yet　each　man　has　his　own　favourite；

fundamental　system　of　division　which　he　unconsciously　uses　to

class　each　new　person　with　whom　he　meets。　At　the　time　of　which　I

am　speaking；　my　own　favourite；　fundamental　system　of　division　in

this　respect　was　into　people　〃comme　il　faut〃　and　people　〃comme　il

ne　faut　pas〃the　latter　subdivided；　again；　into　people　merely　not

〃comme　il　faut〃　and　the　lower　orders。　People　〃comme　il　faut〃　I

respected；　and　looked　upon　as　worthy　to　consort　with　me　as　my

equals；　the　second　of　the　above　categories　I　pretended　merely　to

despise；　but　in　reality　hated；　and　nourished　towards　them　a　kind

of　feeling　of　offended　personality；　while　the　third　category　had

no　existence　at　all；　so　far　as　I　was　concerned；　since　my　contempt

for　them　was　too　complete。　This　〃comme　il　faut〃…ness　of　mine　lay；

first　and　foremost；　in　proficiency　in　French；　especially

conversational　French。　A　person　who　spoke　that　language　badly　at

once　aroused　in　me　a　feel