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your　sister　will　terminate　only　with　my　life。　Yet　I　know　all；　and

though　you　have　deprived　me　of　all　hope；　and　have　rendered　me　an

unhappy　man；　so　that　Nicolas　Irtenieff　will　have　to　bewail　his

misery　for　the　rest　of　his　existence；　yet　do　you　take　my　sister；'

and　I　should　lay　his　hand　in　Lubotshka's。　Then　he　would　say　to

me；　'No；　not　for　all　the　world！'　and　I　should　reply；　'Prince

Nechludoff；　it　is　in　vain　for　you　to　attempt　to　outdo　me　in

nobility。　Not　in　the　whole　world　does　there　exist　a　more

magnanimous　being　than　Nicolas　Irtenieff。'　Then　I　should　salute

him　and　depart。　In　tears　Dimitri　and　Lubotshka　would　pursue　me；

and　entreat　me　to　accept　their　sacrifice；　and　I　should　consent　to

do　so；　and；　perhaps；　be　happy　ever　afterwardsif　only　I　were　in

love　with　Varenika。〃　These　fancies　tickled　my　imagination　so

pleasantly　that　I　felt　as　though　I　should　like　to　communicate

them　to　my　friend；　yet；　despite　our　mutual　vow　of　frankness；　I

also　felt　as　though　I　had　not　the　physical　energy　to　do　so。



Dimitri　returned　from　Lubov　Sergievna's　room　with　some　toothache

capsules　which　she　had　given　him；　yet　in　even　greater　pain；　and

therefore　in　even　greater　depression；　than　before。　Evidently　no

bedroom　had　yet　been　prepared　for　me；　for　presently　the　boy　who

acted　as　Dimitri's　valet　arrived　to　ask　him　where　I　was　to　sleep。



〃Oh；　go　to　the　devil！〃　cried　Dimitri；　stamping　his　foot。　〃Vasika；

Vasika；　Vasika！〃　he　went　on；　the　instant　that　the　boy　had　left

the　room；　with　a　gradual　raising　of　his　voice　at　each　repetition。

〃　Vasika；　lay　me　out　a　bed　on　the　floor。〃



〃No；　let　ME　sleep　on　the　floor；〃　I　objected。



〃Well；　it　is　all　one。　Lie　anywhere　you　like；〃　continued　Dimitri

in　the　same　angry　tone。　〃Vasika；　why　don't　you　go　and　do　what　I

tell　you？　〃



Evidently　Vasika　did　not　understand　what　was　demanded　of　him；　for

he　remained　where　he　was。



〃What　is　the　matter　with　you？　Go　and　lay　the　bed；　Vasika；　I　tell

you！〃　shouted　Dimitri；　suddenly　bursting　into　a　sort　of　frenzy；

yet　Vasika　still　did　not　understand；　but；　blushing　hotly；　stood

motionless。



〃So　you　are　determined　to　drive　me　mad；　are　you？〃and　leaping

from　his　chair　and　rushing　upon　the　boy；　Dimitri　struck　him　on

the　head　with　the　whole　weight　of　his　fist；　until　the　boy　rushed

headlong　from　the　room。　Halting　in　the　doorway；　Dimitri　glanced

at　me；　and　the　expression　of　fury　and　pain　which　had　sat　for　a

moment　on　his　countenance　suddenly　gave　place　to　such　a　boyish；

kindly；　affectionate；　yet　ashamed；　expression　that　I　felt　sorry

for　him；　and　reconsidered　my　intention　of　leaving　him　to　himself。

He　said　nothing；　but　for　a　long　time　paced　the　room　in　silence；

occasionally　glancing　at　me　with　the　same　deprecatory　expression

as　before。　Then　he　took　his　notebook　from　the　table；　wrote

something　in　it；　took　off　his　jacket　and　folded　it　carefully；

and；　stepping　into　the　corner　where　the　ikon　hung；　knelt　down　and

began　to　say　his　prayers；　with　his　large　white　hands　folded　upon

his　breast。　So　long　did　he　pray　that　Vasika　had　time　to　bring　a

mattress　and　spread　it；　under　my　whispered　directions；　on　the

floor。　Indeed；　I　had　undressed　and　laid　myself　down　upon　the

mattress　before　Dimitri　had　finished。　As　I　contemplated　his

slightly　rounded　back　and　the　soles　of　his　feet　（which　somehow

seemed　to　stick　out　in　my　direction　in　a　sort　of　repentant

fashion　whenever　he　made　his　obeisances）；　I　felt　that　I　liked　him

more　than　ever；　and　debated　within　myself　whether　or　not　I　should

tell　him　all　I　had　been　fancying　concerning　our　respective

sisters。　When　he　had　finished　his　prayers；　he　lay　down　upon　the

bed　near　me；　and；　propping　himself　upon　his　elbow；　looked　at　me

in　silence；　with　a　kindly；　yet　abashed；　expression。　Evidently　he

found　it　difficult　to　do　this；　yet　meant　thus　to　punish　himself。

Then　I　smiled　and　returned　his　gaze；　and　he　smiled　back　at　me。



〃Why　do　you　not　tell　me　that　my　conduct　has　been　abominable？〃　he

said。　〃You　have　been　thinking　so；　have　you　not？〃



〃Yes；〃　I　replied；　and　although　it　was　something　quite　different

which　had　been　in　my　mind；　it　now　seemed　to　me　that　that　was　what

I　had　been　thinking。　〃Yes；　it　was　not　right　of　you；　nor　should　I

have　expected　it　of　you。〃　It　pleased　me　particularly　at　that

moment　to　call　him　by　the　familiar　second　person　singular。　〃But

how　are　your　teeth　now？〃　I　added。



〃Oh；　much　better。　Nicolinka；　my　friend；〃　he　went　on；　and　so

feelingly　that　it　sounded　as　though　tears　were　standing　in　his

eyes；　〃I　know　and　feel　that　I　am　bad；　but　God　sees　how　I　try　to

be　better；　and　how　I　entreat　Him　to　make　me　so。　Yet　what　am　I　to

do　with　such　an　unfortunate；　horrible　nature　as　mine？　What　am　I

to　do　with　it？　I　try　to　keep　myself　in　hand　and　to　rule　myself；

but　suddenly　it　becomes　impossible　for　me　to　do　soat　all　events；

impossible　for　me　to　do　so　unaided。　I　need　the　help　and　support

of　some　one。　Now；　there　is　Lubov　Sergievna；　SHE　understands　me；

and　could　help　me　in　this；　and　I　know　by　my　notebook　that　I　have

greatly　improved　in　this　respect　during　the　past　year。　Ah；　my

dear　Nicolinka〃he　spoke　with　the　most　unusual　and　unwonted

tenderness；　and　in　a　tone　which　had　grown　calmer　now　that　he　had

made　his　confession〃　how　much　the　influence　of　a　woman　like

Lubov　could　do　for　me！　Think　how　good　it　would　be　for　me　if　I

could　have　a　friend　like　her　to　live　with　when　I　have　become

independent！　With　her　I　should　be　another　man。〃



And　upon　that　Dimitri　began　to　unfold　to　me　his　plans　for

marriage；　for　a　life　in　the　country；　and　for　continual　self…

discipline。



〃Yes；　I　will　live　in　the　country；〃　he　said；　〃and　you　shall　come

to　see　me　when　you　have　married　Sonetchka。　Our　children　shall

play　together。　All　this　may　seem　to　you　stupid　and　ridiculous；

yet　it　may　very　well　come　to　pass。〃



〃Yes；　it　very　well　may　〃　I　replied　with　a　smile；　yet　thinking　how

much　nicer　it　would　be　if　I　married　his　sister。



〃I　tell　you　what；〃　he　went　on　presently；　〃you　only　imagine

yourself　to　be　in　love　with　Sonetchka；　whereas　I　can　see　that　it

is　all　rubbish；　and　that　you　do　not　really　know　what　love　means。〃



I　did　not　protest；　for；　in　truth；　I　almost　agreed　with　him；　and

for　a　while　we　lay　without　speaking。



〃Probably　you　have　noticed　that　I　have　been　in　my　old　bad　humour

today；　and　have　had　a　nasty　quarrel　with　Varia？〃　he　resumed。　〃I

felt　bad　about　it　afterwardsmore　particularly　since　it　occurred

in　your　presence。　Although　she　thinks　wrongly　on　some　subjects；

she　is　a　splendid　girl　and　very　good；　as　you　will　soon

recognise。〃



His　quick　transition　from　mention　of　my　love　affairs　to　praise　of

his　sister　pleased　me　extremely；　and　made　me　blush；　but　I

nevertheless　said　nothing　more　about　his　sister；　and　we　went　on

talking　of　other　things。



Thus　we　chattered　until　the　cocks　had　crowed　twice。　In　fact；　the

pale　dawn　was　already　looking　in　at　the　window　when　at　last

Dimitri　lay　down　upon　his　bed　and　put　out　the　candle。



〃Well；　now　for　sleep；〃　he　said。



〃Yes；〃　I　replied；　〃　but〃



〃But　what？〃



〃Now　nice　it　is　to　be　alive　in　the　daylight！〃



〃Yes；　it　IS　a　splendid　thing！　〃　he　replied　in　a　voice　which；　even

in　the　darkness；　enabled　me　to　see　the　expression　of　his

cheerful；　kindly　eyes　and　boyish　smile。



XXVIII



IN　THE　COUNTRY



Next　day　Woloda　and　myself　departed　in　a　post…chaise　for　the

country。　Turning　over　various　Moscow　recollections　in　my　head　as

we　drove　along；　I　suddenly　recalled　Sonetchka　Valakhinthough

not　until　evening；　and　when　we　had　already　covered　five　stages　of

the　road。　〃It　is　a　strange　thing；〃　I　thought；　〃that　I　should　be

in　love；　and　yet　have　forgotten　all　about　it。　I　must　start　and

think　about　her；〃　and　straightway　I　proceeded　to　do　so；　but　only

in　the　way　that　one　thinks　when　travellingthat　is　to　say；

disconnectedly；　though　vividly。　Thus　I　brought　myself　to　such　a

condition　that；　for　the　first　two　days　after　our　arrival　home；　I

somehow　considered　it　incumbent　upon　me　always　to　appear　sad　and

moody　in　the　presence　of　the　household；　and　especially　before

Katenka；　whom　I　looked　upon　as　a　great　connoisseur　in　matters　of

this　kind；　and　to　whom　I　threw　out　a　hint　of　the　condition　in

which　my　heart　was　situated。　Yet；　for　all　my　attempts　at

dissimulation　and　assiduous　adoption　of　such　signs　of　love

sickness　as　I　had　occasionally　observed　in　other　people；　I　only

succeeded　for　two　days　（and　that　at　intervals；　and　mostly　towards

evening）　in　reminding　myself　of　the　fact　that　I　was　in　love；　and

finally；　when　I　had　settled　down　into　the　new　rut　of　country　life

and　pursuits；　I　forgot　about　my　affection　for　Sonetchka

altogether。



We　arrived　at　Petrovskoe　in　the　night　time；　and　I　was　then　so

soundly　asleep　that　I　saw　nothing　of　the　house　as　we　approached

it；　nor　yet　of　the　avenue　of　birch　trees；　nor　yet　of　the

householdall　of　whom　had　long　ago　betaken　themselves　to　bed　and

to　slumber。　Only　old　hunchbacked　Fokabare…footed；　clad　in　so