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第15节

youth-第15节

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with Sonetchka; for the purpose of priding myself on holding to

my troth in spite of her scarsYet; as a matter of fact; I was

not really in love with her during that drive; but having once

stirred up in myself old MEMORIES of love; felt PREPARED to fall

into that condition; and the more so because; of late; my

conscience had often been pricking me for having discarded so

many of my old flames。



The Valakhins lived in a neat little wooden mansion approached by

a courtyard。 I gained admittance by ringing a bell (then a rarity

in Moscow); and was received by a mincing; smartly…attired page。

He either could not or made no attempt to inform me whether there

was any one at home; but; leaving me alone in the dark hall; ran

off down a still darker corridor。 For a long time I waited in

solitude in this gloomy place; out of which; in addition to the

front door and the corridor; there only opened a door which at

the moment was closed。 Rather surprised at the dismal appearance

of the house; I came to the conclusion that the reason was that

its inmates were still abroad。 After five minutes; however; the

door leading into the salon was opened by the page boy; who then

conducted me into a neat; but not richly furnished; drawing…room;

where presently I was joined by Sonetchka。



She was now seventeen years old; and very small and thin; as well

as of an unhealthy pallor of face。 No scars at all were visible;

however; and the beautiful; prominent eyes and bright; cheerful

smile were the same as I had known and loved in my childhood。 I

had not expected her to look at all like this; and therefore

could not at once lavish upon her the sentiment which I had been

preparing on the way。 She gave me her hand in the English fashion

(which was then as much a novelty as a door…bell); and; bestowing

upon mine a frank squeeze; sat down on the sofa by my side。



〃Ah! how glad I am to see you; my dear Nicolas!〃 she said as she

looked me in the face with an expression of pleasure so sincere

that in the words 〃my dear Nicolas〃 I caught the purely friendly

rather than the patronising note。 To my surprise she seemed to me

simpler; kinder; and more sisterly after her foreign tour than

she had been before it。 True; I could now see that she had two

small scars between her nose and temples; but her wonderful eyes

and smile fitted in exactly with my recollections; and shone as

of old。



〃But how greatly you have changed!〃 she went on。 〃You are quite

grown…up now。 And I…I…well; what do you think of me?〃



〃I should never have known you;〃 I replied; despite the fact that

at the moment I was thinking that I should have known her

anywhere and always。



〃Why? Am I grown so ugly?〃 she inquired with a movement of her

head。



〃Oh; no; decidedly not!〃 I hastened to reply。 〃But you have grown

taller and older。 As for being uglier; why; you are even



〃Yes; yes; never mind。 Do you remember our dances and games; and

St。 Jerome; and Madame Dorat?〃 (As a matter of fact; I could not

recollect any Madame Dorat; but saw that Sonetchka was being led

away by the joy of her childish recollections; and mixing them up

a little)。 〃Ah! what a lovely time it was!〃 she went onand once

more there shone before me the same eyes and smile as I had

always carried in my memory。 While she had been speaking; I had

been thinking over my position at the present moment; and had

come to the conclusion that I was in love with her。 The instant;

however; that I arrived at that result my careless; happy mood

vanished; a mist seemed to arise before me which concealed even

her eyes and smile; and; blushing hotly; I became tongue…tied and

ill…at…ease。



〃But times are different now;〃 she went on with a sigh and a

little lifting of her eyebrows。 〃Everything seems worse than it

used to be; and ourselves too。 Is it not so; Nicolas?〃



I could return her no answer; but sat silently looking at her。



〃Where are those Iwins and Kornakoffs now? Do you remember them?〃

she continued; looking; I think; with some curiosity at my

blushing; downcast countenance。 〃What splendid times we used to

have!〃



Still I could not answer her。



The next moment; I was relieved from this awkward position by the

entry of old Madame Valakhin into the room。 Rising; I bowed; and

straightway recovered my faculty of speech。 On the other hand; an

extraordinary change now took place in Sonetchka。 All her gaiety

and bonhomie disappeared; her smile became quite a different one;

and; except for the point of her shortness of stature; she became

just the lady from abroad whom I had expected to find in her。 Yet

for this change there was no apparent reason; since her mother

smiled every whit as pleasantly; and expressed in her every

movement just the same benignity; as of old。 Seating herself in

her arm…chair; the old lady signed to me to come and sit beside

her; after which she said something to her daughter in English;

and Sonetchka left the rooma fact which still further helped to

relieve me。 Madame then inquired after my father and brother; and

passed on to speak of her great bereavementthe loss of her

husband。 Presently; however; she seemed to become sensible of the

fact that I was not helping much in the conversation; for she

gave me a look as much as to say: 〃If; now; my dear boy; you were

to get up; to take your leave; and to depart; it would be well。〃

But a curious circumstance had overtaken me。 While she had been

speaking of her bereavement; I had recalled to myself; not only

the fact that I was in love; but the probability that the mother

knew of it: whereupon such a fit of bashfulness had come upon me

that I felt powerless to put any member of my body to its

legitimate use。 I knew that if I were to rise and walk I should

have to think where to plant each foot; what to do with my head;

what with my hands; and so on。 In a word; I foresaw that I should

be very much as I had been on the night when I partook too freely

of champagne; and therefore; since I felt uncertain of being able

to manage myself if I DID rise; I ended by feeling UNABLE to

rise。 Meanwhile; I should say; Sonetchka had returned to the room

with her work; and seated herself in a far cornera corner

whence; as I was nevertheless sensible; she could observe me。

Madame must have felt some surprise as she gazed at my crimson

face and noted my complete immobility; but I decided that it was

better to continue sitting in that absurd position than to risk

something unpleasant by getting up and walking。 Thus I sat on and

on; in the hope that some unforeseen chance would deliver me from

my predicament。 That unforeseen chance at length presented itself

in the person of an unforeseen young man; who entered the room

with an air of being one of the household; and bowed to me

politely as he did so: whereupon Madame rose; excused herself to

me for having to speak with her 〃homme d'affaires;〃 and finally

gave me a glance which said: 〃Well; if you DO mean to go on

sitting there for ever; at least I can't drive you away。〃

Accordingly; with a great effort I also rose; but; finding it

impossible to do any leave…taking; moved away towards the door;

followed by the pitying glances of mother and daughter。 All at

once I stumbled over a chair; although it was lying quite out of

my route: the reason for my stumbling being that my whole

attention was centred upon not tripping over the carpet。 Driving

through the fresh air; howeverwhere at first I muttered and

fidgeted about so much that Kuzma; my coachman; asked me what was

the matterI soon found this feeling pass away; and began to

meditate quietly concerning my love for Sonetchka and her

relations with her mother; which had appeared to me rather

strange。 When; afterwards; I told my father that mother and

daughter had not seemed on the best of terms with one another; he

said:



〃Yes; Madame leads the poor girl an awful life with her meanness。

Yet;〃 added my father with a greater display of feeling than a

man might naturally conceive for a mere relative; 〃she used to be

such an original; dear; charming woman! I cannot think what has

made her change so much。 By the way; you didn't notice a

secretary fellow about; did you? Fancy a Russian lady having an

affaire with a secretary!〃



〃Yes; I saw him;〃 I replied。



〃And was he at least good…looking?〃



〃No; not at all。〃



〃It is extraordinary!〃 concluded Papa; with a cough and an

irritable hoist of his shoulder。



〃Well; I am in love!〃 was my secret thought to myself as I drove

along in my drozhki。



XIX



THE KORNAKOFFS



MY second call on the route lay at the Kornakoffs'; who lived on

the first floor of a large mansion facing the Arbat。 The

staircase of the building looked extremely neat and orderly; yet

in no way luxuriousbeing lined only with drugget pinned down

with highly…polished brass rods。 Nowhere were there any flowers

or mir

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