a fair penitent(由衷的忏悔)-第3节
按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
furnish me with a new and special cat…o'…nine…tails of his own making。
Never was woman more amazed or more angry than I； when I first
read this letter。 〃What！〃 cried I to myself； 〃does this man seriously
recommend me to lash my own shoulders？ Just Heaven； what
impertinence！ And yet； is it not my duty to put up with it？ Does not
this apparent insolence proceed from the pen of a holy man？ If he tells
me to flog my wickedness out of me； is it not my bounden duty to lay on
the scourge with all my might immediately？ Sinner that I am！ I am
thinking remorsefully of my plump shoulders and the dimples on my back；
when I ought to be thinking of nothing but the cat…o'…nine…tails and
obedience to Father Deveaux？〃
These reflections soon gave me the resolution which I had wanted at
first。 I was ashamed to ask the nuns for an instrument of flagellation； so I
made one for myself of stout cord； pitilessly knotted at very short intervals。
This done； I shut myself up while the nuns were at prayer； uncovered my
shoulders； and rained such a shower of lashes on them； in the first fervour
of my newly…awakened zeal； that I fairly flogged myself down on the
ground； flat on my nose； before I had repeated more of the Miserere than
the first two or three lines。
I burst out crying； shedding tears of spite against myself when I ought
to have been shedding tears of devotional gratitude for the kindness of
Father Deveaux。 All through the night I never closed my eyes； and in the
morning I found my poor shoulders （once so generally admired for their
whiteness） striped with all the colours of the rainbow。 The sight threw
8
… Page 9…
A FAIR PENITENT
me into a passion； and I profanely said to myself while I was dressing；
〃The next time I see Father Deveaux； I will give my tongue full swing；
and make the hair of that holy man stand on end with terror！〃 A few
hours afterwards； he came to the convent； and all my resolution melted
away at the sight of him。 His imposing exterior had such an effect on me
that I could only humbly entreat him to excuse me from indicting a second
flagellation on myself。 He smiled； benignantly； and granted my request
with a saintly amiability。 〃Give me the cat…o'…nine…tails；〃 he said； in
conclusion； 〃and I will keep it for you till you ask me for it again。 You
are sure to ask for it again； dear childto ask for it on your bended knees！〃
Pious and prophetic man！ Before many days had passed his words
came true。 If he had persisted severely in ordering me to flog myself； I
might have opposed him for months together； but； as it was； who could
resist the amiable indulgence he showed towards my weakness？ The
very next day after my interview； I began to feel ashamed of my own
cowardice； and the day after that I went down on my knees； exactly as he
had predicted； and said； 〃Father Deveaux； give me back my cat…o'…nine…
tails。〃 From that time I cheerfully underwent the discipline of
flagellation； learning the regular method of practising it from the
sisterhood； and feeling； in a spiritual point of view； immensely the better
for it。
The nuns； finding that I cheerfully devoted myself to every act of self…
sacrifice prescribed by the rules of their convent； wondered very much that
I still hesitated about taking the veil。 I begged them not to mention the
subject to me till my mind was quite made up about it。 They respected
my wish； and said no more； but they lent me books to read which assisted
in strengthening my wavering resolution。 Among these books was the
Life of Madame de Montmorenci； who； after the shocking death of her
husband； entered the Order of St。 Mary。 The great example of this lady
made me reflect seriously； and I communicated my thoughts； as a matter
of course； to Father Deveaux。 He assured me that the one last greatest
sacrifice which remained for me to make was the sacrifice of my liberty。
I had long known that this was my duty； and I now felt； for the first time；
9
… Page 10…
A FAIR PENITENT
that I had courage and resolution enough boldly to face the idea of taking
the veil。
While I was in this happy frame of mind； I happened to meet with the
history of the famous Rance； founder； or rather reformer； of the Order of
La Trappe。 I found a strange similarity between my own worldly errors
and those of this illustrious penitent。 The discovery had such an effect on
me； that I spurned all idea of entering a convent where the rules were
comparatively easy； as was the case at Anticaille； and determined； when I
did take the veil； to enter an Order whose discipline was as severe as the
discipline of La Trappe itself。 Father Deveaux informed me that I should
find exactly what I wanted among the Carmelite nuns； and； by his advice；
I immediately put myself in communication with the Archbishop of
Villeroi。 I opened my heart to this worthy prelate； convinced him of my
sincerity； and gained from him a promise that he would get me admitted
among the Carmelite nuns of Lyons。 One thing I begged of him at
parting； which was； that he would tell the whole truth about my former life
and about the profession that I had exercised in the world。 I was resolved
to deceive nobody； and to enter no convent under false pretences of any
sort。
My wishes were scrupulously fulfilled； and the nuns were dreadfully
frightened when they heard that I had been an actress at Paris。 But the
Archbishop promising to answer for me； and to take all their scruples on
his own conscience； they consented to receive me。 I could not trust
myself to take formal leave of the nuns of Anticaille； who had been so
kind to me； and towards whom I felt so gratefully。 So I wrote my
farewell to them after privately leaving their house； telling them frankly
the motives which animated me； and asking their pardon for separating
myself from them in secret。
On the fourteenth of October； seventeen hundred and twenty…four； I
entered the Carmelite convent at Lyons； eighteen months after my flight
from the world； and my abandonment of my professionto adopt which； I
may say； in my own defence； that I was first led through sheer poverty。
At the age of seventeen years； and possessing （if I may credit report）
10
… Page 11…
A FAIR PENITENT
remarkable personal charms； I was left perfectly destitute through the
spendthrift habits of my father。 I was easily persuaded to go on the stage；
and soon tempted； with my youth and inexperience； to lead an irregular
life。 I do not wish to assert that dissipation necessarily follows the choice
of the actress's profession； for I have known many estimable women on
the stage。 I； unhappily； was not one of the number。 I confess it to my
shame； and； as the chief of sinners； I am only the more grateful to the
mercy of Heaven which accomplished my conversion。
When I entered the convent； I entreated the prioress to let me live in
perfect obscurity； without corresponding with my friends； or even with my
relations。 She declined to grant this last request； thinking that my zeal
was leading me too far。 On the other hand； she complied with my wish
to be employed at once； without the slightest preparatory indulgence or
consideration； on any menial labour which the discipline of the convent
might require from me。 On the first day of my admission a broom was
put into my hands。 I was appointed also to wash up the dishes； to scour
the saucep
