a fair penitent(由衷的忏悔)-第2节
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My health suffered under them to such an extent that I was troubled with
perpetual attacks of retching and sickness； which； however； did not
prevent me from writing my general confession； addressed to the vicar of
Saint Sulpice； the parish in which I lived。
Just Heaven！ what did I not suffer some days afterwards； when I
united around me at dinner； for the last time； all the friends who had been
dearest to me in the days of my worldly life！ What words can describe
the tumult of my heart when one of my guests said to me； 〃You are giving
us too good a dinner for a Wednesday in Passion Week；〃 and when another
answered； jestingly； 〃You forget that this is her farewell dinner to her
friends！〃 I felt ready to faint while they were talking； and rose from table
pretexting as an excuse； that I had a payment to make that evening； which
I could not in honour defer any longer。 The company rose with me； and
saw me to the door。 I got into my carriage； and the company returned to
table。 My nerves were in such a state that I shrieked at the first crack of
the coachman's whip； and the company came running down again to know
what was the matter。 One of my servants cleverly stopped them from all
hurrying out to the carriage together； by declaring that the scream
proceeded from my adopted orphan。 Upon this they returned quietly
enough to their wine； and I drove off with my general confession to the
vicar of Saint Sulpice。
My interview with the vicar lasted three hours。 His joy at
discovering that I was in a state of grace was extreme。 My own emotions
were quite indescribable。 Late at night I returned to my own house； and
found my guests all gone。 I employed myself in writing farewell letters
to the manager and company of the theatre； and in making the necessary
arrangements for sending back my adopted orphan to his friends； with
twenty pistoles。 Finally； I directed the servants to say； if anybody
enquired after me the next day； that I had gone out of town for some time；
and after that； at five o'clock in the morning； I left my home in Paris never
to return to it again。
By this time I had thoroughly recovered my tranquillity。 I was as
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easy in my mind at leaving my house as I am now when I quit my cell to
sing in the choir。 Such already was the happy result of my perpetual
masses； my general confession； and my three hours' interview with the
vicar of Saint Sulpice。
Before taking leave of the world； I went to Versailles to say good…bye
to my worthy patrons； Cardinal Fleury and the Duke de Gesvres。 From
them； I went to mass in the King's Chapel； and after that； I called on a lady
of Versailles whom I had mortally offended； for the purpose of making my
peace with her。 She received me angrily enough。 I told her I had not
come to justify myself； but to ask her pardon。 If she granted it； she
would send me away happy。 If she declined to be reconciled； Providence
would probably be satisfied with my submission； but certainly not with her
refusal。 She felt the force of this argument； and we made it up on the
spot。
I left Versailles immediately afterwards； without taking anything to eat；
the act of humility which I had just performed being as good as a meal to
me。
Towards evening； I entered the house of the Community of Saint
Perpetua at Paris。 I had ordered a little room to be furnished there for me；
until the inventory of my worldly effects was completed； and until I could
conclude my arrangements for entering a convent。 On first installing
myself； I began to feel hungry at last； and begged the Superior of the
Community to give me for supper anything that remained from the dinner
of the house。 They had nothing but a little stewed carp； of which I eat
with an excellent appetite。 Marvellous to relate； although I had been able
to keep nothing on my stomach for the past three months； although I had
been dreadfully sick after a little rice soup on the evening before； the
stewed carp of the sisterhood of Saint Perpetua； with some nuts afterwards
for dessert； agreed with me charmingly； and I slept all through the night
afterwards as peacefully as a child！
When the news of my retirement became public； it occasioned great
talk in Paris。 Various people assigned various reasons for the strange
course that I had taken。 Nobody； however； believed that I had quitted the
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world in the prime of my life （I was then thirty…one years old）； never to
return to it again。 Meanwhile； my inventory was finished and my goods
were sold。 One of my friends sent a letter； entreating me to reconsider
my determination。 My mind was made up； and I wrote to say so。 When
my goods had been all sold； I left Paris to go and live incognito as a
parlour…boarder in the Convent of the Ursuline nuns of Pondevaux。 Here
I wished to try the mode of life for a little while before I assumed the
serious responsibility of taking the veil。 I knew my own characterI
remembered my early horror of total seclusion； and my inveterate dislike
to the company of women only； and； moved by these considerations； I
resolved； now that I had taken the first important step； to proceed in the
future with caution。
The nuns of Pondevaux received me among them with great kindness。
They gave me a large room； which I partitioned off into three small ones。
I assisted at all the pious exercises of the place。 Deceived by my
fashionable appearance and my plump figure； the good nuns treated me as
if I was a person of high distinction。 This afflicted me； and I undeceived
them。 When they knew who I really was； they only behaved towards me
with still greater kindness。 I passed my time in reading and praying； and
led the quietest； sweetest life it is possible to conceive。
After ten months' sojourn at Pondevaux； I went to Lyons； and entered
（still as parlour…boarder only） the House of Anticaille； occupied by the
nuns of the Order of Saint Mary。 Here； I enjoyed the advantage of
having for director of my conscience that holy man； Father Deveaux。 He
belonged to the Order of the Jesuits； and he was good enough； when I first
asked him for advice； to suggest that I should get up at eleven o'clock at
night to say my prayers； and should remain absorbed in devotion until
midnight。 In obedience to the directions of this saintly person； I kept
myself awake as well as I could till eleven o'clock。 I then got on my
knees with great fervour； and I blush to confess it； immediately fell as fast
asleep as a dormouse。 This went on for several nights； when Father
Deveaux finding that my midnight devotions were rather too much for me；
was so obliging as to prescribe another species of pious exercise； in a letter
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which he wrote to me with his own hand。 The holy father； after deeply
regretting my inability to keep awake； informed me that he had a new act
of penitence to suggest to me by the performance of which I might still
hope to expiate my sins。 He then； in the plainest terms； advised me to
have recourse to the discipline of flagellation； every Friday； using the cat…
o'…nine…tails on my bare shoulders for the length of time that it would take
to repeat a Miserere。 In conclusion； he informed me that the nuns of
Anticaille would probably lend me the necessary instrument of flagellation；
but； if they made any difficulty about it； he was benevolently ready to
furnish me with a new and special cat…o'…nine…tails of his own making。
Never was
