the water-babies-第20节

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！


reek；　and　the　rest　what　might　have　been　English；　if　they　had　only　learnt　to　write　it。　　And　this　is　the　beginning　thereof　…


〃The　subanhypaposupernal　anastomoses　of　peritomic　diacellurite　in　the　encephalo　digital　region　of　the　distinguished　individual　of　whose　symptomatic　phoenomena　we　had　the　melancholy　honour　（subsequently　to　a　preliminary　diagnostic　inspection）　of　making　an　inspectorial　diagnosis；　presenting　the　interexclusively　quadrilateral　and　antinomian　diathesis　known　as　Bumpsterhausen's　blue　follicles；　we　proceeded〃　…


But　what　they　proceeded　to　do　My　Lady　never　knew；　for　she　was　so　frightened　at　the　long　words　that　she　ran　for　her　life；　and　locked　herself　into　her　bedroom；　for　fear　of　being　squashed　by　the　words　and　strangled　by　the　sentence。　　A　boa　constrictor；　she　said；　was　bad　company　enough：　　but　what　was　a　boa　constrictor　made　of　paving　stones？

〃It　was　quite　shocking！　　What　can　they　think　is　the　matter　with　him？〃　said　she　to　the　old　nurse。

〃That　his　wit's　just　addled；　may　be　wi'　unbelief　and　heathenry；〃　quoth　she。

〃Then　why　can't　they　say　so？〃

And　the　heaven；　and　the　sea；　and　the　rocks；　and　the　vales　re…echoed　…　〃Why　indeed？〃　　But　the　doctors　never　heard　them。

So　she　made　Sir　John　write　to　the　TIMES　to　command　the　Chancellor　of　the　Exchequer　for　the　time　being　to　put　a　tax　on　long　words；　…

A　light　tax　on　words　over　three　syllables；　which　are　necessary　evils；　like　rats：　　but；　like　them；　must　be　kept　down　judiciously。

A　heavy　tax　on　words　over　four　syllables；　as　HETERODOXY；　SPONTANEITY；　SPIRITUALISM；　SPURIOSITY；　ETC。

And　on　words　over　five　syllables　（of　which　I　hope　no　one　will　wish　to　see　any　examples）；　a　totally　prohibitory　tax。

And　a　similar　prohibitory　tax　on　words　derived　from　three　or　more　languages　at　once；　words　derived　from　two　languages　having　become　so　common　that　there　was　no　more　hope　of　rooting　out　them　than　of　rooting　out　peth…winds。

The　Chancellor　of　the　Exchequer；　being　a　scholar　and　a　man　of　sense；　jumped　at　the　notion；　for　he　saw　in　it　the　one　and　only　plan　for　abolishing　Schedule　D：　　but　when　he　brought　in　his　bill；　most　of　the　Irish　members；　and　（I　am　sorry　to　say）　some　of　the　Scotch　likewise；　opposed　it　most　strongly；　on　the　ground　that　in　a　free　country　no　man　was　bound　either　to　understand　himself　or　to　let　others　understand　him。　　So　the　bill　fell　through　on　the　first　reading；　and　the　Chancellor；　being　a　philosopher；　comforted　himself　with　the　thought　that　it　was　not　the　first　time　that　a　woman　had　hit　off　a　grand　idea　and　the　men　turned　up　their　stupid　noses　thereat。

Now　the　doctors　had　it　all　their　own　way；　and　to　work　they　went　in　earnest；　and　they　gave　the　poor　professor　divers　and　sundry　medicines；　as　prescribed　by　the　ancients　and　moderns；　from　Hippocrates　to　Feuchtersleben；　as　below；　viz。…

1。　　Hellebore；　to　wit　…

Hellebore　of　AEta。　Hellebore　of　Galatia。　Hellebore　of　Sicily。

And　all　other　Hellebores；　after　the　method　of　the　Helleborising　Helleborists　of　the　Helleboric　era。　　But　that　would　not　do。　Bumpsterhausen's　blue　follicles　would　not　stir　an　inch　out　of　his　encephalo　digital　region。

2。　　Trying　to　find　out　what　was　the　matter　with　him；　after　the　method　of

Hippocrates；　Aretaeus；　Celsus；　Coelius　Aurelianus；　And　Galen。

But　they　found　that　a　great　deal　too　much　trouble；　as　most　people　have　since；　and　so　had　recourse　to　…

3。　　Borage。　Cauteries。

Boring　a　hole　in　his　head　to　let　out　fumes；　which　（says　Gordonius）　〃will；　without　doubt；　do　much　good。〃　　But　it　didn't。

Bezoar　stone。　Diamargaritum。　A　ram's　brain　boiled　in　spice。　Oil　of　wormwood。　Water　of　Nile。　Capers。　Good　wine　（but　there　was　none　to　be　got）。　The　water　of　a　smith's　forge。　Ambergris。　Mandrake　pillows。　Dormouse　fat。　Hares'　ears。　Starvation。　Camphor。　Salts　and　senna。　Musk。　Opium。　Strait…waistcoats。　Bullyings。　Bumpings。　Bleedings。　Bucketings　with　cold　water。　Knockings　down。　Kneeling　on　his　chest　till　they　broke　it　in；　etc。　etc。；　after　the　medieval　or　monkish　method：　　but　that　would　not　do。　Bumpsterhausen's　blue　follicles　stuck　there　still。

Then　…

4。　　Coaxing。　Kissing。　Champagne　and　turtle。　Red　herrings　and　soda　water。　Good　advice。　Gardening。　Croquet。　Musical　soirees。　Aunt　Salty。　Mild　tobacco。　The　Saturday　Review。　A　carriage　with　outriders；　etc。　etc。

After　the　modern　method。　　But　that　would　not　do。

And　if　he　had　but　been　a　convict　lunatic；　and　had　shot　at　the　Queen；　killed　all　his　creditors　to　avoid　paying　them；　or　indulged　in　any　other　little　amiable　eccentricity　of　that　kind；　they　would　have　given　him　in　addition　…

The　healthiest　situation　in　England；　on　Easthampstead　Plain。

Free　run　of　Windsor　Forest。

The　TIMES　every　morning。

A　double…barrelled　gun　and　pointers；　and　leave　to　shoot　three　Wellington　College　boys　a　week　（not　more）　in　case　black　game　was　scarce。

But　as　he　was　neither　mad　enough　nor　bad　enough　to　be　allowed　such　luxuries；　they　grew　desperate；　and　fell　into　bad　ways；　viz。　…

5。　　Suffumigations　of　sulphur。　Herrwiggius　his　〃Incomparable　drink　for　madmen：〃

Only　they　could　not　find　out　what　it　was。

Suffumigation　of　the　liver　of　the　fish　*　*　*

Only　they　had　forgotten　its　name；　so　Dr。　Gray　could　not　well　procure　them　a　specimen。

Metallic　tractors。　Holloway's　Ointment。　Electro…biology。　Valentine　Greatrakes　his　Stroking　Cure。　Spirit…rapping。　Holloway's　Pills。　Table…turning。　Morison's　Pills。　Homoeopathy。　Parr's　Life　Pills。　Mesmerism。　Pure　Bosh。　Exorcisms；　for　which　the　read　Maleus　Maleficarum；　Nideri　Formicarium；　Delrio；　Wierus；　etc。

But　could　not　get　one　that　mentioned　water…babies。

Hydropathy。　Madame　Rachel's　Elixir　of　Youth。　The　Poughkeepsie　Seer　his　Prophecies。　The　distilled　liquor　of　addle　eggs。　Pyropathy。

As　successfully　employed　by　the　old　inquisitors　to　cure　the　malady　of　thought；　and　now　by　the　Persian　Mollahs　to　cure　that　of　rheumatism。

Geopathy；　or　burying　him。　Atmopathy；　or　steaming　him。　Sympathy；　after　the　method　of　Basil　Valentine　his　Triumph　of　Antimony；　and　Kenelm　Digby　his　Weapon…salve；　which　some　call　a　hair　of　the　dog　that　bit　him。　Hermopathy；　or　pouring　mercury　down　his　throat　to　move　the　animal　spirits。　Meteoropathy；　or　going　up　to　the　moon　to　look　for　his　lost　wits；　as　Ruggiero　did　for　Orlando　Furioso's：　　only；　having　no　hippogriff；　they　were　forced　to　use　a　balloon；　and；　falling　into　the　North　Sea；　were　picked　up　by　a　Yarmouth　herring…boat；　and　came　home　much　the　wiser；　and　all　over　scales。

Antipathy；　or　using　him　like　〃a　man　and　a　brother。〃

Apathy；　or　doing　nothing　at　all。

With　all　other　ipathies　and　opathies　which　Noodle　has　invented；　and　Foodle　tried；　since　black…fellows　chipped　flints　at　Abbeville　…　which　is　a　considerable　time　ago；　to　judge　by　the　Great　Exhibition。


But　nothing　would　do；　for　he　screamed　and　cried　all　day　for　a　water…baby；　to　come　and　drive　away　the　monsters；　and　of　course　they　did　not　try　to　find　one；　because　they　did　not　believe　in　them；　and　were　thinking　of　nothing　but　Bumpsterhausen's　blue　follicles；　having；　as　usual；　set　the　cart　before　the　horse；　and　taken　the　effect　for　the　cause。

So　they　were　forced　at　last　to　let　the　poor　professor　ease　his　mind　by　writing　a　great　book；　exactly　contrary　to　all　his　old　opinions；　in　which　he　proved　that　the　moon　was　made　of　green　cheese；　and　that　all　the　mites　in　it　（which　you　may　see　sometimes　quite　plain　through　a　telescope；　if　you　will　only　keep　the　lens　dirty　enough；　as　Mr。　Weekes　kept　his　voltaic　battery）　are　nothing　in　the　world　but　little　babies；　who　are　hatching　and　swarming　up　there　in　millions；　ready　to　come　down　into　this　world　whenever　children　want　a　new　little　brother　or　sister。

Which　must　be　a　mistake；　for　this　one　reason：　　that；　there　being　no　atmosphere　round　the　moon　（though　some　one　or　other　says　there　is；　at　least　on　the　other　side；　and　that　he　has　been　round　at　the　back　of　it　to　see；　and　found　that　the　moon　was　just　the　shape　of　a　Bath　bun；　and　so　wet　that　the　man　in　the　moon　went　about　on　Midsummer…　day　in　Macintoshes　and　Cording's　boots；　spearing　eels　and　sneezing）；　that；　therefore；　I　say；　there　being　no　atmosphere；　there　can　be　no　evaporation；　and　therefore　the　dew…point　can　never　fall　below　71。5　degrees　below　zero　of　Fahrenheit：　　and；　therefore；　it　cannot　be　cold　enough　there　about　four　o'clock　in　the　morning　to　condense　the　babies'　mesenteric　apophthegms　into　their　left　ventricles；　and；　therefore；　they　can　never　catch　the　hooping…cough；　and　if　they　do　not　have　hooping…cough；　they　cannot　be　babies　at　all；　and；　therefore；　there　are　no　babies　in　the　moon。　…　Q。E。D。

Which　may　seem　a　roundabout　reason；　and　so；　perhaps；　it　is：　　but　you　will　have　heard　worse　ones　in　your　time；　and　from　better　men　than　you　are。

But　one　thing　is　certain；　that；　when　the　good　old　doctor　got　his　book　written；　he　felt　considerably　relieved　from　Bumpsterhausen's　blue　follicles；　and　a　few　things　infinitely　worse；　to　wit；　from　pride　and　vain…glory；　and　from　blindness　and　hardness　of　heart；　which　are　the　true　causes　of　Bumpsterhausen's　blue　follicles；　and　of　a　good　many　other　ugly　things　besides。　　Whereon　the　foul　flood…　water　in　his　brains　ran　down；　and　cleared　to　a　fine　coffee　colour；　such　as　fish　like　to　rise　in；　till　very　fine　clean　fresh…run　fish　did　begin　to　rise　in　his　brains；　and　he　caught　two　or　three　of　them　（whi